She sighs and pours two cups of coffee, sliding one to me across the counter. “He already left for practice.” She rests her arms on the counter. “You know, I love being here with her all the time, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but sometimes it’s hard.”
I take a sip of coffee. “The best things in life are the hardest things. We have to fight for the good.”
She wraps her hands around her mug. “I know, but sometimes it’s so damn exhausting.” She squishes her eyes closed and mumbles, “Swear jar.”
I find it funny Xander and Thea have a swear jar for any time they curse—trying to break the habit before Xael starts speaking. If Nova thinks I’m going to break my habit of cursing for our kid she’s mistaken. That shit is ingrained in me. It’s not going anywhere.
Xael begins to fuss more and Thea looks like she’s about to cry. “I’ve been up with her all night.”
I feel a pang in my chest. “Go get some rest,” I tell her. “I’ll take care of her.”
She looks at me like I’ve spoken a foreign language. “Really?”
“Yes, really.” I take another sip of coffee. “You better go before I change my mind.”
“There are bottles in the refrigerator and her favorite toy is on the couch.” She scurries off and up the stairs before I can blink.
Xael is full-out screaming now.
I remove her from her seat and rock her in my arms.
She looks up at me with big brown eyes wet with tears.
“It’s okay, sweet girl.” I sway side to side. I touch a finger to her cheek, wiping away a tear. Her bottom lip quivers but no new tears come.
“You’re a good girl, aren’t you?” I sit down on the couch with her and hold her to my chest. She snuggles close to me, burrowing her little head into the crook of my neck. She gets some slobber on me but I don’t mind at all.
I rub her back and sing one of my songs softly under my breath.
In no time, she’s asleep, making soft baby snores.
I move slowly, lying down on the couch so I can stretch out and she can sleep on my chest.
I close my eyes and it’s not long before I’m asleep again too.
“Wake up sleepy head,” Nova murmurs in my ear.
I crack an eye open and stifle a yawn. “What time is it?”
“A little after eight.”
Xael stirs against my chest and I hold my hand to her butt so she doesn’t fall off.
Nova smiles wistfully.
“Like seeing me with a baby?” I joke.
Her cheeks heat. “Yes,” she admits.
I sit up and cradle Xael in my arm. With my other hand I reach out, cupping Nova’s cheek. “One day soon it’ll be our baby.”
She bites her lip. “It’s crazy to think about.”
It really is. Before Nova, I had no intention of ever becoming a father. It wasn’t as if I didn’t like kids, I just felt I wasn’t the right person to be a dad. Not when my dad was so shitty. But Nova helped me see I’m not him. I’m my own person and my path through life doesn’t have to match his.
Footsteps sound on the stairs and Thea emerges. Nova and I are still in our pajamas but Thea’s already dressed for the day.
“Where’s my baby girl?” Thea asks and Xael stirs at the sound of her mom’s voice, searching for her in the room.
Thea smiles and holds her hands out for the baby. I hand her over and Thea sits down to feed her.
Nova sits down beside me, curling into my body. She does this a lot. It’s like when she’s near me she melts into me.
“The landlord called,” she informs me. “He said the air should be fixed by the afternoon.”
I sigh. I want it fixed now, but things never work that way. I find life involves a whole lot of waiting.
“What do you want to do then?” I ask Nova, but of course she’s not the one to answer.
“There’s a swimming pool in the community. We should go there.”
It’s comical how Thea always invites herself along. “Who invited you?” I joke.
“You’re staying in my house, so you do what I say,” she jokes.
“I need coffee to deal with you.”
“I made you a big pot of coffee, Jacen. I even sprinkled in some sugar and a dash of asshole just the way you like.”
I stare at her, fighting a smile, when she doesn’t catch on I say, “Swear jar.”
“Dammit,” she curses again. “I’m never going to get the hang of this.” She looks down at the baby in her arms. “Don’t tell your daddy what I said.”
“Lucky for you she can’t talk yet.”
She leans her head back. “That’ll be the day. I’m going to be ruined.”
I chuckle at her exasperation.
“The pool might be nice,” Nova pipes up.
I sigh. These girls will be the end of me. I’m completely out numbered.
“One problem—we don’t have our swim stuff.”
Thea smiles like the cat that ate the canary. “Nova can borrow one of mine and you can borrow one of Xander’s.”
“Fine,” I agree reluctantly. “I guess we’re going swimming.”
I expect the pool to be packed but, surprisingly, other than us, there are only two other people.
Nova spreads a towel over a chaise and I kick off my shoes.
Thea wrestles with the squirming baby in her arms. “Here, can you hold her a minute?” She hands her to Nova.
Nova bounces her in her arms, smiling widely. “Aren’t you the cutest thing ever? Did Auntie Nova buy you this lemon swimsuit? Yes, I did,” she speaks in a high-pitched baby voice and I can’t help but laugh. “And look at this little hat. You’re precious.” She kisses her cheek.
Thea finishes setting up her stuff—which includes a bag for her, a baby bag, a cooler, and God knows what else—then takes the baby back and holds her on her hip. “Pool time,” she declares with an overexaggerated flip of her hair.
She heads for the stairs of the pool but I don’t have time for those.
I backflip into the pool, spraying water everywhere, and when I come up for air, Thea screams, “Jacen!”
She’s covered in water and Xael starts to cry.
“Sorry,” I say. I truly am sorry for splashing the baby, but Thea? Not so much.
Nova sits at the end of the pool, dipping her feet in. I swim up to her, shaking the water out of my hair.
“What are you? A dog?” she jokes.
“Yes,” I reply with a grin and she rolls her eyes.
“Not what I meant.”
I place my hands on either side of her legs. “Get in.”
“No,” she says with a glimmer of humor in her eyes.
“Why not?” I challenge.
“Because you look like you’re up to no good.”
“I’m always up to no good,” I counter.
“Get in, Nova,” Thea calls from the shallow end where the baby is now splashing around.
“See, even the psycho thinks you should get in.”
“And I should take the word of a psycho?” She raises a brow, fighting a smile.
“Of course. Otherwise she might stab you. You can’t predict her, that’s why she’s psycho.”
Nova laughs. “Fine, move out of my way.”
I swim back slightly and she stands up, removing her tank top and shorts and revealing the bikini she wears beneath. It hugs her curves and I wonder how I got so damn lucky to have this girl as mine.
She plugs her nose and runs, jumping into the water in front of me and soaking my shoulders and head that float above water.
She surfaces in front of me, treading water, and grins. “Gotcha.”
I grab her waist and she wraps her legs around mine and her arms around my shoulders.
“Confession: I love your freckles,” I tell her and she laughs.
“I know—you tell me all the time.”
I kiss her nose. “You deserve to know.”
I love everything about her, from he
ad to toe, but more importantly the heart that lies inside her chest.
Nova is the kindest, most wonderful person I know, and she deserves the world. I’m determined to give it to her, to make up for all the shit she’s been through—stuff no person should ever have to experience.
“Let’s go somewhere.” She looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “I don’t know—anywhere.”
“We have work.” She frowns.
“We can take off. We rarely call in sick and neither of us has taken vacation time.”
She presses her lips together, thinking. “Where?”
I shrug. “We can figure it out later.”
“What are you lovebirds talking about?” Thea interrupts. “I’m feeling left out.”
“Do you think if we ignore her she’ll disappear?” I ask Nova under my breath.
She laughs softly and shakes her head. “Not likely.”
I sigh heavily. “I was afraid you’d say that.”
Nova swims over to Thea and reaches for the baby. Xael dives into her arms and splashes at the water.
“Don’t think you can distract me so easily,” Thea warns. “You two were up to something.”
I reluctantly swim over to the girls. “I told Nova we should go somewhere for a while.”
Thea nods. “That’d be good for you guys. You never go anywhere. You’re a bunch of hermits. I swear you’d never emerge from your apartment if it wasn’t for the need for food and to work.”
I laugh. She has a point. Nova and I are notorious homebodies. Why go out when home is so much better?
Thea gathers her hair up and secures it. “I’m going to swim around while she’s occupied.”
She swims away, leaving Nova and me alone with the baby.
Xael begins to fuss when she sees her mom leaving, but Nova bounces her and soon she’s giggling and smiling again.
“Are you sure you’re ready for one of these?” she jokes.
I smile at her. “Been ready.”
She shakes her head, amused by me. Normally in a relationship I guess it would be the woman pushing for kids, but we’ve never done anything normal so why start now?
Nova
“What’s it say?” Jace asks from over my shoulder. I block his view as much as I can.
“It’s negative,” I murmur, laying the pregnancy test on the edge of the bathroom sink.
I’m shocked by how sad I am by the outcome. I didn’t realize how much I’d come to want this.
I know realistically it’s normal to not get pregnant when you first start trying, but I don’t feel any better.
I feel like I’ve failed at something.
After all, I got pregnant at sixteen without trying.
Jace turns me to face him. “It’s okay,” he tells me, sensing my sadness. “This just means we have to try harder.” He winks, trying to get me to smile or laugh or do something.
But I feel numb.
I take a shaky breath and sit down on the side of the bathtub.
“Can you … leave me alone for a little bit?” I plead. I need a moment to myself to breathe and wrap my head around this. I can’t do it with Jace standing there looking at me with sadness and pity in his eyes, forcing a sweet smile for my benefit.
The fake smile falls completely off his face. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “Please?”
I can tell he’s not happy about it. “Maybe it’s too early,” he muses.
I shake my head but mumble, “Maybe.”
“If you need me, yell.” He reluctantly leaves the bathroom closing the bathroom door behind him.
I lock it so he won’t be tempted to barge in.
I start running hot water in the bathtub and add bubbles.
I strip out of my clothes and slip into the steamy water.
When the tub is nearly overflowing with water I shut it off.
The first tear falls, disappearing into the bubbles and the water below.
I was prepared for the pregnancy test to be negative, I honestly figured it would be, but I didn’t expect it to hurt this munch. The unexpectedness is jarring.
I think in the back of my mind I assumed since I got pregnant so easily with Greyson this would be no different.
But assumptions are rarely correct.
I take a deep breath, trying to rid myself of the tears, but they only come faster and harder.
I sink under the water, holding my breath for as long as I can.
My lungs start to scream and I surface, water sloshing onto the floor as I gasp for air.
“It’ll be okay,” I whisper to myself.
I sniffle, wiping at my face. I can’t tell what’s tears and what’s bath water now.
I guess it doesn’t matter.
I lean my head against the back of the tub, looking up at the ceiling.
We all make the mistake of thinking everything we want will fall into our lap, but it never ends up like that. You have to work for things—prove it’s worth having.
I take a shuddering breath, gathering my hair over my shoulder.
This is only a blip in time.
One bad moment among many good.
It’ll get better.
It has to.
Jace
It’s hard watching the person you love get beat down month after month.
June bled into July, which turned into August, and here we were in September with another negative pregnancy test.
Nova’s shoulder’s hunch, shaking with silent tears.
This is one of those times I don’t know what to do or say because she keeps pushing me away.
She forgets I’m affected by this too.
I rub my hand against her back and she stiffens like she doesn’t want me to touch her, but I refuse to pull away. I won’t let this drive a wedge between us.
She shudders and her gaze meets mine in the mirror. “I don’t understand,” she murmurs.
“It doesn’t always happen overnight,” I tell her, though, if I’m being honest, I thought that in the beginning.
She swivels around to face me so fast I nearly get whiplash. “I got pregnant with Greyson when I was sixteen—when I certainly didn’t want to get pregnant. So why isn’t it happening now?”
I frown, her words soaking into my brain. Nova had a kid, which means she’s definitely capable of getting pregnant, so does that mean something is wrong with me?
Her brown eyes meet mine, full of sadness and hurt.
I want to wipe it away, make it all better, but I can’t, and that hurts me more than all of this.
I cup her cheeks in my hands. She looks so small and fragile, like if I squeeze too tight she’ll break in half.
“What’s wrong with me?” she asks, her lower lip trembling as she struggles to hold back tears.
“Nothing’s wrong with you.”
“Something must be,” she cries.
I press my lips together and blurt, “Maybe it’s me with the problem.”
Her brows furrow. “What do you mean?”
I shrug, voicing my thoughts out lout. “You had a kid—I, on the other hand, haven’t, so I could be the problem.”
She shakes her head. “No.”
I let my hands fall from her face. “I could be,” I repeat. “I should probably get tested to be sure.”
I don’t say it out loud, but I can’t continue to watch her go through this month after month. The disappointment is eating away at her. I hate myself for telling her I wanted to have a baby. If I’d never brought it up we wouldn’t be going through this right now. Things would be good—normal.
Her lips pinch tight and, after a moment, she nods. “I’ll get tested too. Something could’ve changed between the time I was sixteen and now.”
I run my fingers through her hair, curling a soft strand around my finger.
We stare at each other, silence filling the space between us.
We’re both scared, that much is obvious.
I won’t lie, I thought t
his would be easy.
Toss the condoms and BOOM pregnant.
I think I’m being mocked for my naivety. It wouldn’t be the first time.
Or maybe I’m being taught a lesson—not everything is guaranteed to you, even if you think it’s a basic right.
“Let’s go on that vacation we talked about months ago.”
I want to distract her and rid her of this pitiful look in her eyes.
“Are you crazy?” she looks at me like I’ve lost my mind.
“We need it now more than ever.”
She looks away, and I can tell she’s pondering it.
“Fine, I’ll go, but only if we get checked out first. I don’t want it hanging over my head.”
“Deal,” I agree.
“Also, you have to pick where we’re going and plan it. I don’t have the brain power to help right now,” she warns.
“I can do that,” I agree, though I don’t know if I actually can. Hopefully, I can pull this off. We needed this vacation months ago, but after the first negative pregnancy test I didn’t feel like bringing it up again, and since she didn’t that cemented me keeping my mouth shut. When the negative pregnancy tests continued to pile up it became harder and harder to say something, until now. I can’t look into her sad eyes for another moment, not when I might be able to change it.
Nova presses up on her toes and kisses me before skirting past me and out of the bathroom.
When I turn she’s already crawling into bed.
It’s not even five-o-clock.
Nova’s always been so strong, stronger than me, but right now she’s broken and I don’t know how to fix it.
I’ve never felt so helpless.
It’s my own personal hell watching the girl I love fall apart and become a shadow of herself.
I sit down on the couch and pick up my guitar and notebook.
The lyrics pour out of me, filling the page.
It’s possibly the saddest song I’ve written, but still full of hope, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s we always have hope.
Nova
I hang up the phone from the doctor and smile at Jace.
“Both of us came back negative for any abnormalities. The doctor says to be patient and sometimes it takes time.”
Broken Hearts (Light in the Dark Book 5) Page 5