by Melissa Hill
Nina considered how Ruth’s situation compared to her own. Nope, she wasn’t a celebrity, but when she examined her life she was reminded of why she herself was in Lakeview right now, she had got herself in trouble and she didn’t have any other place to go. Strange that she and Ruth had both ended up in Lakeview at the same time after a long absence; Ruth in an unexpected state of self imposed isolation and Nina in a state of self-imposed limbo.
There was a knock on the door and Trish informed the two women that it was clear to come out. Nina was about to turn the doorknob when Ruth grabbed her hand and squeezed it.
‘Honestly I mean it; thank you for being so kind,’ the actress said gently. ‘It’s honestly the first time I felt like I’ve had a friend in ages.’
Nina smiled and squeezed back, thinking that the two of them had a lot more in common than they thought.
Chapter 10
Despite herself, Jess just couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened with Emer and her conversation with Deirdre.
Brian had spent a lot of time over the weekend entertaining her and trying to keep her mind off things, but still she couldn’t help but worry about the problems that had surfaced between her and her friends.
Now in the office, staring at her computer screen, she couldn’t focus on the projects at hand, namely the marketing strategy behind the launch of Piccolo’s brand new energy drink. Her deadline hovered, days away, but for some reason, all she could think about was babies.
It wasn’t a ‘biological clock’ response either; more like Jess was concentrating so hard on the idea of a baby in an effort to try and jumpstart the damned clock.
There was no doubt that what had happened at the weekend, and her discovery of friends’ purposeful alienation of her was bringing a lot of things to the fore – namely children or more to the point, the lack of them.
She pushed away the material in front of her, unable to concentrate. She couldn’t deny how troubled she was. She was thirty-five years old and had pretty much taken it for granted that someday she would be a mother. Someday.
But when? When was the right time? All along she’d just assumed that she’d know when it was time; that suddenly a light would go on or something. She sighed, wondering if there was something wrong with her, if she was one of those women who had some sort of psychological aversion to children. But no, of course that wasn’t it, she loved babies, had enjoyed playing with dolls as a child, and remembered pleading at length with her parents for a brother or a sister, a ready-made playmate for her as an only child.
She grabbed her computer keyboard and pulled it closer. Bringing up Google, she started surfing the web, clicking onto Mamas & Papas and other various baby-related sites in the hope that she would get the warm and fuzzies from looking at all paraphernalia, but nope, nothing.
Feeling deflated she checked her email and saw a message from Net-a-Porter advertising a Betsey Johnson sale. Immediately, her attention perked up and she rushed to click on it.
And something dawned on her. Betsey Johnson? Wasn’t she a little past polka-dots and flouncy skirts? But that was partly the problem wasn’t it? she realised now; she was thirty-five but still felt only twenty-five.
And whatever about being past wearing younger clothes, she realised, her heart quickening, wasn’t she also fast approaching being past optimum fertility age? Clicking onto a medical site, she began pulling up information on pregnancy, recalling how panicky Emer had been in the early days about not immediately falling pregnant. ‘Maybe I’ve left it too late,’ her friend used to worry, and at the time Jess had brushed her comments aside, as Emer could be a worrier at the best of times.
But now the more she read, the more concerned Jess became. At thirty-five, it seemed she was more liable to have a ‘high risk’ pregnancy, and the chances of her not getting pregnant at all were higher than she’d originally thought. Her fertility had been declining since she was at least thirty, and the amount of alcohol she’d been knocking back for the last couple of decades or so probably wouldn’t have helped either …
Jess’s brow furrowed. What if she’d been spending so much time concentrating on her career, travelling around the world and enjoying life that her chance to have a baby had passed her by?
Feeling very worried now, she reached out to pick up the phone. Ticking biological clock or not, she was just about ready to call Brian and demand he meet her at home to knock her up when suddenly the phone rang.
‘Jess Armstrong,’ she answered distractedly.
‘Jess? Hi, it’s Emer, is this a good time?’
She felt her pulse pick up a little. Why was Emer calling her at work? She never did that; especially when she knew first-hand how crazy things often were here at the office, and for the last few years they’d only communicated in the evenings at home when they had time to chat.
‘Of course, how are you?’ she said easily, careful not to betray her surprise.
‘Are you sure? Because when you picked up the phone there you sounded a bit stressed.’
What could Jess say? I just had this mad notion to rush home and get impregnated? ‘No, no, it’s just been a bit of a crazy morning, but nothing I can’t handle.’ She hoped.
Emer was silent for a bit before she spoke again. ‘Well um … I just wanted to call and apologise for what happened at the weekend. It was bad of me to exclude you, I know that, but it wasn’t my intention to hurt you; I honestly just thought it wouldn’t be your scene.’
Ah, so she’s been talking to Deirdre, Jess realised immediately. But never one to hold a grudge, her voice lightened and she smiled. ‘Hey, no need to apologise. I don’t mind admitting that I was a bit taken aback at the time but look, it’s all forgotten about now and I understand.’
‘No, no, it still wasn’t right and I really am sorry. I talked to Deirdre and well, we both agree that maybe we’ve been a bit too caught up in baby stuff lately. We should do something together, just the three of us, you know, maybe a girlie night out or something.’
‘Emer, honestly; there’s no need.’ Now Jess was mortified that Emer and Deirdre were feeling obligated into spending time with her out of guilt.
‘But there is. You and I haven’t really been out together since Amy was born, and I know Deirdre would jump at the chance to get dressed up and go clubbing.’
Again Jess couldn’t help but wonder if they thought clubbing was what she did all the time; again, a twenty-five year old trapped in a thirty-five-year old body.
‘Maybe just dinner somewhere would be nice? Not sure that I’m really able for clubbing these days,’ she joked.
‘OK, well how about Deirdre and I come up to Dublin the weekend after next – it’s really the soonest that I could arrange it, especially if I stay overnight and –’
‘Don’t be silly, I can come to Lakeview. After all, it’s much easier for me to stay overnight there than for you two to trek all the way up here. If Deirdre’s up for it, should we try and do it at the weekend?’
‘Oh,’ Emer replied, sounding a bit miffed, and Jess worried if in her haste to dismiss the girls’ coming to Dublin, she’d somehow offended her, rather than make things easier, as was her intention. What was going on with her and Emer these days that she felt like she was walking on eggshells around her?
‘Well, you can come here if you’d like but I just thought it might be easier to arrange a babysitter?’ she explained quickly.
‘I suppose,’ Emer agreed. ‘Friday night would be best, I think – not sure if himself has to work late or not, but if so, I’ll get the girl down the street. I’ll check with Deirdre and if she’s on for it, then great.’
‘Brilliant, let me know and if you’re both good to go, then I’ll drive down on Friday night. Is there anywhere nice in Lakeview we could go? I saw a nice Italian place I liked the look of last time I was there.’
‘Yeah Casa Rosa. It’s only cheap and cheerful though – will that be OK for you?’
‘Of course.’ Again Je
ss wondered if her friends really did think she did nothing but eat haute cuisine, quaff champagne and buy shoes.
But as their conversation continued, catching up about other goings-on and news about mutual friends, Emer’s tone seemed to soften a little and Jess felt relieved that the earlier awkwardness seemed to have passed. And after a good chat over cheap wine and nice food this weekend, surely everything would be just like old times again?
Later in the week as she was getting ready for work, Jess watched Brian pack for his latest business trip. He was catching a flight to London and would be gone for most of the week including the weekend. If she hadn’t made plans with the girls, she would have been spending another weekend alone, Jess reflected glumly.
However, that was neither here nor there, because she was heading to Lakeview on Friday afternoon and would spend the night at Emer’s. She studied her handsome husband as he collected his things.
Although he knew she was upset about the girls’ excluding her, she hadn’t yet confided her recent worries about her fertility and definitely didn’t want to admit that the other day she’d been on the verge of ringing him for a quickie! Thinking about it now, there would have been little point anyway as she was on the pill.
Jess wondered what he’d say if she sprang such an idea on him, particular after the drama with her friends as of late. She knew he was a logical thinker and would no doubt again try to tell her that her imagination was running away with her, and likely suggest that the notion was rooted in fear of the distance growing between her and her friends.
However, as she’d recently learned, they both needed to remind themselves that she wasn’t getting any younger, and really if they waited any longer, there was a chance she might not be able to fall pregnant at all.
She pushed all these thoughts aside when Brian came up behind her and put his arms around her.
‘You’re looking particularly gorgeous today,’ he said nibbling her ear. ‘Is that presentation happening this morning?’
Jess nodded. ‘Thanks – kind of important to look fresh and energetic when you’re presenting an energy drink, isn’t it?’
‘You know, I’m tempted to skip this bloody trip and stay home with you instead. I hate leaving you again so soon after Singapore.’
She turned around and kissed him. He really was the most amazing man, she thought, and would no doubt be a spectacular father. She studied his face for a moment.
‘What are you looking so serious about?’ he asked softly.
‘Oh nothing, I’m just thinking about how much I’ll miss you.’
‘Me too. Anyway, at least it’s only a few days this time. Besides, you’re going out with the girls at the weekend and after a few glasses of wine, the three of ye will have forgotten all about your husbands,’ he teased.
Jess laughed. ‘Too right.’
‘Well, as long as they don’t spend the night boring you tears with baby-talk you should be fine,’ he added, and Jess was glad he wasn’t able to read her mind.
Because she was now beginning to wonder if baby-talk would bore her that much after all.
The following Friday afternoon, Jess left work early to beat the traffic and arrived in Lakeview around six o’clock.
When Emer answered the door, she smiled broadly and pulled Jess into a tight embrace. None of the earlier drama was mentioned, and Jess realised for sure that she’d worried for nothing and everything was back to normal.
‘Is Dave here?’ she asked, going through to the living room.
‘No, he ended up having a late meeting today, but will be back later to let the babysitter go early. Poor thing has been working twice as hard since Amy was born, but I try not to complain too much, after all, he’s not only pulling the weight of two, but three now.’ She laughed. ‘The babysitter arrived just before you and we were trying to get Amy down. I’ll just pop back up to make sure she’s OK and then we’ll have a glass while we wait for Deirdre, OK?’
‘Of course,’ Jess agreed and while Emer was upstairs she wandered over to the fireplace and studied the pictures on the mantelpiece. She remembered her friends’ old place back in Dublin which had been littered with various snaps of Emer and Dave together on nights out, their travels and the wedding. Now, except for a small one of the big day, it looked like all those pictures had been tidied away and replaced with baby pictures – Amy as a newborn, with her first tooth and various other milestones. Jess wondered if this was what she and Brian would do if they had a child; replace all the memories they made before the baby, with memories the baby would make for them?
Emer returned to living room with a bottle of wine and two glasses. ‘Jess, I’m so glad we were all able to do this on such short notice. You’re a gem by the way for coming all the way down here for us.’
‘Not a problem at all. Glad to do it and much easier for me to stay overnight.’
‘Brian away again?’ her friend queried and Jess thought she heard a slight edge in her tone.
‘Yes, all the travelling is driving him mad lately but then again…it’s what he does.’ She laughed lightly.
Emer nodded sat back on the sofa, clearly relishing the first glass of wine she’d had in ages. Jess was pleased to see her friend relax, and she could sense last week’s tension literally melt away as they got comfortable discussing what they’d been up to in the meantime. They chatted easily about going’s-on at Piccolo; Emer asking loads of questions about the latest campaign and seeming genuinely interested in all that was going on in Jess’s life.
It felt so normal, back to the way it had always been, and Jess chastised herself internally over her silliness in believing there was a gap growing between them.
Deirdre arrived about forty minutes later, dressed up to the nines and full of beans. As all three women were wearing heels, they decided to call a cab to drive them the short distance from Emer’s house on the edge of Lakeview down to Main Street, where the restaurant was located.
When they arrived, the friendly owner of Casa Rosa led them to a cosy corner table before bringing them a large carafe of white wine.
The conversation remained lively and Emer and Deirdre asked Jess endless questions about how things were in Dublin, what restaurants she and Brian had been frequenting, and where their next holiday would be.
‘Well, we’re thinking maybe Borneo. Brian loves Malaysia and we’ve been pretty much everywhere else,’ she joked. ‘There’s a beautiful resort way out in the jungle, a sort of hideaway retreat Brian says.’
‘Sounds like heaven,’ Deirdre gushed. ‘The retreat part especially. What I wouldn’t give to be able to hide away like that and have my every whim catered for.’
‘It does sound amazing,’ Emer agreed. ‘But yes,’ she added, smiling at Deirdre, ‘I think our days of that kind of thing are over with. From now on we can only look forward to the jungles we’ve made for ourselves!’
‘Yes but let’s not talk about the kids tonight,’ Deirdre said pointedly and Jess cringed. The last thing she wanted was the girls to feel that discussing the kids was off limits in front of her.
‘Are you planning to go away yourselves this year?’ she asked quickly, as if Deirdre hadn’t spoken. ‘Somewhere like Disneyland would be great for the boys, wouldn’t it?’
‘Great if we could afford it,’ her friend replied, and immediately Jess felt guilty for banging on about her and Brian’s comparatively ostentatious plans. With her husband usually arranging their trips in-house it was sometimes easy to forget how much these things actually cost.
‘I know, I find it hard to believe myself how tight things are now that only one of us is working,’ Emer added glumly.
‘Do you think you’ll go back?’ Jess asked.
‘To work? You must be joking. No, I know I’d find it really hard to be away from Amy now and would just hate for someone else to raise her.’
‘I agree. A few extra quid would be nice but when it comes down to it, the boys matter more than money.’
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nbsp; As she couldn’t particularly contribute to this line of conversation, Jess found herself growing quiet as the two women continued to chat about motherhood and its associated challenges. She couldn’t believe some of the concerns they had; not least because her own problems seemed so much more trivial and silly by comparison. Worrying about positive influences in a child’s life and making sure that they had a happy upbringing seemed a lot more important than the contemplation Brian and Jess gave to which hotspot in Dublin to frequent.
Now listening to Emer and Deirdre’s conversation made her again conscious that her life seemed rather petty and superficial, and that everything she’d talked about when they first arrived now paled in comparison to the subject matter that was on the table.
Jess drank back the wine and tried to shake off the feeling of melancholy that was settling upon her. She tried to assume a more placid expression as the last thing she needed was either of them trying to read her thoughts and thinking that this night out was a bad idea.
She certainly didn’t want them to reconsider inviting her places as she really needed her friends. She felt a trickle of fear thinking back to before when Brian was packing for his business trip. If she wasn’t out with Emer and Deirdre tonight, what would she be doing right now? Probably, working late at the office, or at home alone ordering takeout and watching TV.
Then a conflicting voice arose inside her. That wasn’t completely true, she mused, recalling recent nights when she’d gone out with colleagues from work when Brian was away. Still, most of the girls from work were single and by and large younger than her, and she didn’t share the same kind of bond with them as she did with Emer and Deirdre. Her colleagues were simply acquaintances; people to have a laugh with, rather than real friends.