by Melissa Hill
Frankly, considering the circumstances, she didn’t understand why Emer had invited her over today, especially since she was always complaining about how Dave was never home, so you’d think she would want to spend time alone with her family.
“Emer, are you sure there’s nothing I can help with?” Jess called out to the kitchen.
“No everything is fine,” Emer said, overly cheerfully, but Jess could hear sharp whispers coming from the kitchen, as if the couple were trying to have an argument but didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable.
So much for that Jess thought, wondering if people really thought they were being quiet when they did that?
Then she heard the sound of a mobile phone ringing on the chair beside her and thinking it was Emer’s, she picked it up and brought it through to the kitchen.
‘Here you go,’ she said absentmindedly handing it to Emer, ‘someone called Trish?’ She couldn’t help but catch sight of the caller display on the way out, but by the look on her friend’s face, immediately wished she hadn’t said anything.
Emer grabbed the phone from her, all the while staring furiously at Dave, whose face had gone white.
‘Why are you calling my husband?’ Emer barked into the phone, and Jess winced, all at once realising she’d done something she really shouldn’t have.
‘Give me that,’ Dave said through clenched teeth, and Jess wanted the ground to open up and swallow her. Oh no.
‘I’m asking you – why are you calling my husband?’ Emer demanded. ‘Oh, don’t give me that claptrap, why would the Lakeview News be interested in the sales manager of a stupid brewery? You must think I came down in the last shower.’
‘Emer, I swear….’ Dave reached again for the phone but his wife sidestepped him, while Jess stood there watching, aghast. Then all of a sudden, Emer disconnected the call and flung the handset across the room.
‘What the hell is going on here, Dave? Why is that silly cow phoning you on a Friday night? Is this the change of plan you were talking about earlier? Was it that she let you down, and wasn’t able to meet you for one of your trysts?’
Emer was practically screaming now, and Jess was mortified. She’d heard the name before and tried to recall who Trish was – one of Nina’s friends, wasn’t it? Hell, was Dave sneaking around?
‘Oh for goodness sake – you’re completely overreacting, probably your hormones.’
‘Don’t you dare blame my hormones, I know something’s going on. I called the office on Monday, and they told me there was no client dinner that night. You must think I’m an idiot, Dave – I knew you were with someone. And thanks to Jess, now I also know who with.’
There was a heavy tension-filled silence, and not sure what else to do – Jess backed out of the room silently and made her way back into the living room to check on Amy, who despite all the noise was now sleeping soundly in her playpen.
Jess couldn’t believe it. Of all the stupid … clueless things to do. She should have at least made sure it was actually Emer’s phone before gullibly handing it to her. But then again, why should she assist Dave in his cover-up if in fact that was what it was?
Because that was certainly what it sounded like. She picked up her handbag and tiptoed out into the hallway, on the way to the front door.
She shouldn’t be here for this; she’d already done enough damage as it was and she knew Emer would hate her later on for witnessing what was happening.
She opened the front door and began to make her escape, just as Dave started to bellow. ‘OK, yes, I admit it! I have been seeing Trish but what the hell do you care anyway? The only time you have any interest in me is when you want to get pregnant, and clearly you don’t care what I do as long as I keep paying the bills!’
Oh no, poor Emer, Jess thought, shaking her head, and forgetting about being quiet, she scurried out the door, letting it close behind her.
Dave was having an affair. She couldn’t believe it. Yes, it had been evident that there was some tension lately between the two of them, but ultimately, she never believed that it was anything more than money worries, or the adjustments involved with the new baby, and the move away from the city …
She certainly hadn’t anticipated anything like this. To think that Dave would be so heartless as to cheat on Emer when she was doing her best to bring up their child… Not to mention sleeping with her as well as his mistress.
Once again, the reality of the last few months came rushing back to Jess. All this time, she’d been operating under the illusion that her friends had the perfect lives, and ironically now it seemed like the more time she’d spent with them wanting to be like them, she’d achieved exactly that.
She felt so sorry for Emer though – regardless of how full-on her friend had been about motherhood towards her, Jess’s heart went out to her. No one deserved to be cheated on, betrayed on the grandest level. And to think that only a couple of weeks ago, she’d been so overjoyed about her new pregnancy.
In the same way that she herself had been about her big announcement, Jess realised worriedly.
Now, thinking of Brian’s recent withdrawal , and Dave’s obvious betrayal of Emer, she began to draw some very uncomfortable parallels.
All this time, she’d wanted to be like Emer, to share in her life and the choices she’d made.
Had she made an even bigger mistake than she’d thought?
The following morning, Nina was preparing to take the bus for another errand in Dublin.
Going downstairs, this time she couldn’t avoid her father, as it was eight o’clock and he was in the kitchen making his usual eggs and bacon.
‘Morning,’ she greeted tentatively.
‘Good morning, Nina,’ he murmured in return.
She went to the cupboard to take out the toaster, in two minds whether to have breakfast here or just pick up something in town to eat on the bus on the way.
‘Er … I’m just putting on some toast, would you like some?’
Patrick looked at the clock. ‘In a few minutes, when everything else is ready.’
Nina nodded impassively. Of course. ‘Well, I’ll just have a quick slice. I’m going to Dublin this morning.’
‘Permanently?’ he asked, and despite herself, Nina felt a twinge of hurt. Was he really that eager to be rid of her? She knew he didn’t approve of what was going on but did he have to make it that obvious?
‘No, not permanently, just for the day.’
‘Hmmph,’ he grunted, his typical response.
‘I promise you I’ll be out of your hair when Mum gets back. Hopefully it’ll be soon – last time I talked to her she was in Russia, but I think she’s in France now,’ she said, in an attempt at friendly conversation.
But as usual this was wasted on Patrick.
‘Hmmph.’
‘Anyway, I’m going to Dublin, just for the day. Can you get you anything there?’
‘From Dublin?’
No, from bleedin’ Mars, Nina wanted to say but there was no point. She’d been around long enough now not to let her father get to her, and today she had enough to worry about as it was.
Taking that as the end of the conversation, she ate her breakfast in silence, and soon after, left the house and headed to the bus stop.
The journey to the centre of the city wasn’t long; only about an hour, but to Nina it felt like ten.
She was jaded and exhausted from thinking of what her options were with regard to this baby. She knew she had few at this stage and the thought of being solely responsible for a little baby terrified her. She was sure she couldn’t do it, but as she was getting so far along in her pregnancy she couldn’t continue to sit on these feelings of indecision. She had to make a plan.
Which was why she’d made an appointment to with a health board agency today, to see if this was perhaps something she could consider. She’d chosen this particular one because their offices opened on Saturdays until lunchtime, and when the bus stopped in the city centre, she caught a c
ab in the direction of the agency which was on the southside. The driver regarded her sceptically when she gave him the name of the clinic and she met his knowing gaze with a defiant stare. Old goat, probably thinking she was some kind of shamed, pregnant disaster.
Well, Nina shrugged, thinking about that description –. a single mother with no man, no real job and no permanent home – in a way she was a disaster.
Reaching the agency, she walked slowly up the steps, realising the significance of what she was planning. It would be all too easy to just turn around and go back, and not to think about any of this. But instead, she took a deep breath and pushed open the door to be greeted by a pleasant waiting room decorated in neutral, calming colours.
‘Hi,’ she said as she approached the receptionist. ‘Nina Hughes. I have an appointment at ten.’
‘No problem. Maura will be with you soon if you would like to take a seat.’
Nina did as she was told, picking up a newspaper from a selection of papers and magazines on a nearby table. She idly flipped through the nearest one, not really concentrating on it, but hoping that she wouldn’t have to wait too long and this Maura would call her in soon. Then suddenly she paused, catching sight of a picture of Ruth.
She flipped back to the front of the newspaper to check the date, thinking that it must be a very recent one, as the photo was of Ruth with Charlie. He was standing on one side of her, and reaching out towards the lens of the camera, it looked like.
Ruth was carrying a shopping bag and holding it up halfway between her face and her stomach, as if she didn’t know which one to shield.
Underneath, the caption read: ‘Breaking News: Ruth Seymour Pregnant! Celeb-spawn of Troy Valentine?’
Oh no, Nina thought, just when everything was going so well for Ruth. It was such a shame as not too long ago she was talking about how everything had been so quiet for her lately, and how much she was enjoying the piece and quiet.
She must be really upset by this. Taking her mobile out of her bag, she dialled Ruth’s number, hoping her friend was holding up OK. However, it went straight to voicemail.
She wondered how the photographer had known to find Ruth and Charlie, right there, outside that shop in Lakeview. It seemed so convenient, didn’t it? Against her will, her thoughts drifted to Trish, and given her over-interested reaction to Ruth’s news, she wondered if she had anything to do with this. Oh, no she wouldn’t, would she?
Nina didn’t want to think about it too much. While she was grateful for her friendship, particularly over the last few months, she suspected that they each had rather different ideas about what was acceptable. Nina prided herself on her ethics and carried with her a great sense of responsibility. Which was why Steve’s behaviour had hurt a million times more once she’d learned the truth about him.
‘Nina?’ She looked up as a woman standing beside a nearby door called her name. She looked to be in her sixties, had a kind face and was wearing a sharp looking suit.
‘Yes, that’s me.’
‘I’m Maura Lowry. Come inside.’
Nina walked forward and shook the woman’s outstretched hand. ‘Nice to meet you. Thanks for meeting me on such short notice.’
‘Not at all, we completely understand that we sometimes need to work on deadlines,’ Maura smiled. She led Nina inside to her office and invited her to take a seat. ‘So, I hear you’re considering adoption?’
Nina filled Maura in on the details, making a vow to herself that she wouldn’t cry in the process. She didn’t want to look like a crazy, emotional pregnant woman who doubted every decision she made. Instead, she tried to come across as businesslike as possible.
‘Well, all of your reasoning is quite valid, I assure you,’ Maura smiled. ‘The majority of mothers who go down this route generally choose closed adoption.’
‘Closed adoption?’ Nina questioned. ‘I’m not sure if I know what that is.’
‘Well that’s when the baby is given to the new parents right after it’s born.’
‘So I would never see him or her, I would never even lay eyes on it?’
Maura agreed, nodding. ‘Exactly.’
‘The baby would never know about me, never know I ever existed.’ For some reason this bothered Nina more than she’d anticipated.
‘Correct. Unless the new parents decide to tell their child about you one day.’
‘Their child?’ Nina repeated, feeling somewhat stung at the idea that her child, the one she was sharing food and life with right now, would never know her. She would never even lay eyes on her son or daughter and it would be hustled away as soon as it was born, off to its new life and new parents. She felt a sob forming in her chest and tried to keep it in.
‘Yes around here we like to try to use such terminology to prepare both you, as the donor, and the new parents for the transition. After all, most parents start to think of the foetus as ‘their child’ as soon as they become pregnant and sometimes it is easiest for birth mothers to start thinking that way as soon as we have a donor available for them. It also helps them create some distance.’ She smiled pleasantly.
Create some distance … Nina thought, the words Maura was speaking echoing in her brain. She sighed unevenly. ‘I don’t know … I’m not really sure if I can do this.’
‘Nina, you are having a very normal reaction. But you did just state several good reasons for wanting to give this baby up for adoption. Wouldn’t you feel better if the baby went to a family who had a mother and a father? Parents who would love and take good care of him or her?’ Nina bit her lip. ‘I suppose.’
‘Dear, how far along are you?’
She shifted in her seat. ‘Almost thirty-two weeks.’
‘Now, the last thing we’d want is for you to feel any pressure, but the fact remains that we don’t have that much time and this is something that needs serious consideration, for both yours and the child’s sake.’
‘I know.’
But all of a sudden, Nina stood up, realising that coming here was a big mistake. She offered Maura her hand. ‘Thanks so much for your time and the information. I have a lot to think about and I’ll be in touch with you.’
‘I really hope our conversation helped.’
‘Yes, it did.’ But not in the way you think, Nina added silently. Now that she’d ventured down this path, the thought of giving her baby away to strangers, and never being able to see it again just seemed too difficult to get her head around.
Thanking Maura again, she left the agency and made her way outside, her thoughts all over the place. She couldn’t explain it, but as soon as Maura had started talking about her never being able to see the baby again, she couldn’t bear hearing any more. She didn’t know what the hell the alternative was going to be but …
The agency was located on a side street, so Nina had a way to walk to the main road, hoping to hail a cab back to the centre of the city. Then she realised that she didn’t really want to go straight back to Lakeview; what was she going to do, spend the rest of the day pondering over this?
She looked around, wondering if there was a café or something nearby – somewhere she could sit for a while and gather her thoughts. Although ideally it would be nice to talk to someone about this, someone with whom to thrash out what she’d learned from her visit to the agency, so that she might be able to see things more clearly and in a less emotional way. All of sudden she thought of Jess who lived around this area, didn’t she? She fished in her handbag for her mobile, deciding that she would give Jess a call and ask if she might be free for a coffee this morning or maybe an early lunch?
Disappointingly, Jess’s phone went straight to voicemail and Nina’s heart sank. Oh well … she trundled along the road, deciding to head for the nearest bus stop that would take her back into town. Maybe she could go shopping or something, not that she had much money for that …
She was halfway down the street when she heard her mobile ring.
‘Nina – hi.’ Jess said. ‘I saw your nu
mber come up – sorry I was at the gym and have just come out of the changing room. What’s up?’
‘Listen, I know you’re probably busy, but it’s just I’m in Dublin this morning and I wondered if you might like to meet for coffee or something? No problem if not –’
‘You’re in Dublin? Fantastic! Yes, that would be lovely. I’m just finishing up here so let me know where you are and I’ll come and meet you.’
‘That would be great. I’m actually around your neck of the woods actually – in Blackrock?’
‘Really? What are you doing around these parts?’
‘I was…I just had a couple of errands to run,’ Nina replied quickly.
‘Well that’s even better, as my gym is only a few minutes from there. Tell you what, why don’t I meet you in the village – there’s a nice café on the corner by the seafront – not as good as Ella’s mind, but a great place for a catch-up.’
‘Sounds lovely.’ Nina was delighted Jess could meet her and felt immediately calmed by her kindness and enthusiasm.
‘Perfect. Give me a couple of minutes to finish up here, and then I’ll be with you in a jiffy, OK?’
Jess was as good as her word, and as it turned out, had reached the little café she’d mentioned even before Nina had made her own way there.
‘So how are things?’ Jess asked when they were settled over a couple of coffees. ‘I haven’t seen you since the party at my place; your bump is so much bigger now.’
‘I know.’ Nina automatically looked towards Jess’s stomach, but of course it was way too early for her to be showing any signs. ‘How are you feeling yourself? Any morning sickness? I’m pretty much over it now, but I had a terrible time at the beginning.’
Jess looked away. ‘Nope, nothing at all. I guess I must be one of the lucky ones!’
‘You sure must be. And speaking of lucky, how’s Brian? I really liked him you know, he was so lovely to me at the party.’
‘He’s fine.’ Her tone changed unmistakeably at the mention of her husband and Nina’s radar went up. ‘So were you able to finish your errands?’ Jess went on, smoothly changing the subject.