Robot Riot!

by Andy Griffiths

  ‘What-are-you-talk-ing-a-bout?’ I said in my best robo-speak. ‘I-AM-a-ro-bot-fight-ing-ro-bot!’

  ‘Yikes!’ said Newton. ‘I’m scared of robots!’

  ‘It’s okay, Newton,’ said Jenny patiently. ‘It’s not really a robot, remember? It’s just Henry dressed up in a robot suit.’

  Newton nodded uncertainly. ‘I know,’ he said, ‘but I’m scared of robots and people dressed up in robot suits!’

  ‘I-am-not-a-per-son-dressed-up-in-a-ro-bot-suit,’ I said. ‘I-am-a-Hen-ry-bot-1000.’

  ‘Yikes!’ said Newton, sprinting for the door. ‘Run!’

  ‘Henry!’ said Jenny, shaking her head. ‘Stop speaking like that! You’re scaring Newton!’

  ‘Speak-ing-like-what?’ I said.

  ‘Like a robot,’ said Jenny.

  ‘But-I-am-a-ro—’

  ‘Henry!’ said Jenny.

  ‘Okay, okay,’ I said. ‘Just practising my voice—I don’t have much time, you know!’

  The bell rang.

  ‘No time at all, actually,’ said Jack. ‘We’d better get you to assembly. Hurry!’

  ‘A-ffirm-a-tive,’ I said, turning myself—with difficulty—towards the door.

  It wasn’t easy to turn in my new robot suit.

  And it was even harder to walk with all the foil and duct tape wrapped around my legs. I found this out the hard way. I took a step forward . . . and fell flat on my face.

  ‘Uh-oh,’ said Gretel. ‘Our robot has fallen over!’

  ‘Not a promising start,’ said Jack.

  ‘I-am-do-ing-my-best,’ I said. ‘Can-you-help-me-up?’

  ‘Affirmative,’ said Jack, lifting me up and putting my arm across his shoulder.

  I hobbled across the yard as fast as I could.

  But it wasn’t fast enough.

  As we got close to the building a round of applause was just dying down . . . and then I heard Roberta’s voice booming from the hall.

  ‘I am a super-advanced, super-intelligent robot from the future. I have been sent here by my masters to cleanse the world of inefficient human beings so that we can take over Earth.’

  I didn’t need to hear any more.

  I already knew the rest.

  They were the same words she had written in her diary.

  There was no time to waste.

  36

  Henrybot versus Robota

  I burst into the assembly hall.

  Roberta was standing on the stage, reading aloud about her plans for world domination.

  How she planned to do this I wasn’t exactly sure, but I did know one thing: she wasn’t going to get away with it.

  ‘STOP-RIGHT-THERE!’ I commanded in the most threatening robot voice I could possibly muster.

  Roberta did stop right there. She stared at me in open-mouthed astonishment, as did Principal Greenbeard, who was sitting on the stage to her right.

  The whole school now turned to watch me as I moved stiffly up the centre aisle and climbed the five steps to the stage with great difficulty.

  ‘You’re not going to get away with this as easily as you think,’ I said. ‘You’re not the only robot in this town, you know. Unless you come quietly I will be forced to unleash my terrifying robot power on you. I will show no mercy!’

  Roberta, Principal Greenbeard and the rest of the school continued to stare at me. It was clear they’d never seen a robot quite as impressive as me before.

  ‘Who are you?’ said Principal Greenbeard, rising to his feet. ‘Identify yourself, sailor!’

  ‘I am no sailor,’ I assured Principal Greenbeard. ‘I am the leader of an army of ten thousand robot-fighting robots stationed outside this assembly hall ready to attack at my command—unless Robota surrenders right now and gives up her evil plans of robot domination forever!’

  Roberta looked stunned. She clearly hadn’t been expecting any resistance. This had really thrown a spanner in her works. Our plan was working perfectly.

  Then she said something that I was definitely not expecting.

  ‘Henry?’ She peered in at me through my eyeholes. ‘Is that you in there?’

  I couldn’t believe it.

  She’d seen through my disguise!

  But then, I suppose, I shouldn’t have been so surprised. After all, she was a super-intelligent robot with super-human powers of observation. But I still had a few tricks of my own.

  I clacked my barbecue tongs at her. ‘I AM NOT HEN-RY. I AM A RO-BOT-FIGHT-ING RO-BOT!’

  ‘I thought you might be a bit upset . . .’ said Roberta.

  ‘A little bit upset?’ I said. ‘I’m more than a little bit upset!’

  ‘I can see that,’ said Roberta, ‘but I didn’t think you’d go this far.’

  ‘Oh, you’ve underestimated me,’ I said. ‘I’ll do whatever it takes to defend the world against your evil plans!’

  ‘What evil plans?’ said Roberta. ‘All I’m doing is reading my story out like Mr Brainfright asked me to. I know my story isn’t as good as the ones you write, but I don’t really think the world is in any danger!’

  ‘Story?’ I said. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘My robot story,’ said Roberta.

  ‘Huh?’

  Roberta sighed impatiently. ‘My robot story,’ she said. ‘The one I wrote in class. I caught you reading my first draft, remember?’

  ‘I read your diary,’ I said.

  ‘Yes, that’s what I mean,’ said Roberta. ‘I wrote the first draft in my diary.’

  ‘That was a story?’ I said.

  ‘Of course!’ said Roberta.

  ‘So you’re not actually a robot?’ I said.

  ‘No,’ said Roberta, starting to giggle. ‘I’m no more of a robot than you are . . . though that is an excellent costume!’

  Roberta wasn’t the only one who was giggling. I looked out into the hall. The entire school was laughing, including the teachers, and—worst of all—Jack, Jenny, Gretel and Newton.

  I didn’t know what to think.

  Either I had just made the stupidest mistake of my life . . . or Roberta’s claim that her mission report was a made-up story was just another of her super-intelligent strategies to deflect attention from the truth that she really was a robot.

  ‘I told you it was a powerful piece, Roberta,’ said Mr Brainfright, coming up onto the stage, his eyes wet from laughing.

  That’s when I had the answer to my question.

  I’d just made the stupidest mistake of my life.

  ‘Roberta wrote a monologue from the point of view of a futuristic robot invader,’ explained Mr Brainfright, ‘and it was so good I suggested that she read it out at assembly.’

  So that was why she’d circled today as the big day!

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I said to Roberta.

  ‘I was feeling nervous about reading in front of the whole school. I didn’t want anyone to know about it beforehand—I thought that would make it worse,’ she said. ‘But I thought you knew. I caught you reading the notes I’d made in my diary!’

  ‘We thought it was an actual mission report written by a robot!’ I said. ‘And that you planned to exterminate us all during assembly.’

  ‘You thought I was making plans to take over the world?’

  ‘Yes,’ I admitted, ‘I guess that’s what I—I mean we—thought.’

  My answer triggered a fresh wave of laughter from the audience.

  Roberta broke down giggling.

  It was humiliating, but in a weird way, even though it was at my expense, it was good to see Roberta actually laughing and enjoying herself like everybody else.

  And, of course, it was much better than being exterminated by robots.

  But above all, it was definitely better than what happened next.

  37

  Grantbot versus Henrybot

  Suddenly there was a huge crash at the back of the hall.

  I turned around as quickly as I could—which wasn’t very quick, but quick eno
ugh to see Grant’s Grantbot 1000 come crashing through the doorway, splintering the doorframe and crumbling the brickwork around it.

  That sure wiped the smiles off everybody’s faces.

  ‘I said open it first and then go through it!’ said Grant, running behind it.

  ‘What on earth is that?’ said Roberta, as the enormous Grantbot clanked and stomped its way down the middle of the hall.

  ‘It’s a Grantbot 1000!’ I said.

  Kids were scattering and diving for cover as it approached, its big bucket head swivelling from side to side as if scanning the room for something—robots, most likely.

  ‘Great costume!’ said Roberta. ‘Who’s inside it?’

  ‘Nobody—it’s a real robot,’ I said. ‘But it broke down!’

  ‘Well it doesn’t look like it’s broken down now.’

  I leaned into the microphone. ‘Turn it off, Grant,’ I said. ‘We don’t need it. Roberta’s not a robot. And this is me, Henry, in this suit. Shut it off.’

  The Grantbot turned its big bucket head and looked directly at me. That’s when I noticed its antenna begin to flash red.

  ‘Henry?’ said Grant. ‘That’s you in there?’

  ‘Yes!’ I said. ‘I dressed up as a robot to stand in for the Grantbot!’

  ‘Uh-oh,’ said Grant. ‘The Grantbot thinks you’re a robot!’

  ‘Well call it off!’

  ‘STOP, GRANTBOT!’ commanded Grant. ‘ABORT ANTI-ROBOT MISSION. REPEAT. ABORT MISSION!’

  But the Grantbot’s only response was to begin walking towards the stage again.

  ‘Grant! Shut it down!’

  ‘I COMMAND YOU TO STOP!’ said Grant, standing in front of the Grantbot waving his arms.

  But the Grantbot’s only response was to pick up Grant and move him out of the way.

  Students and teachers were now rushing to the doors in a blind panic as the Grantbot continued its march towards the stage, crashing through and over the top of the empty chairs that the audience had deserted.

  Clive Durkin wasn’t fast enough. The Grantbot kicked his chair out of the way with Clive still on it. He went sprawling onto the floor.

  ‘I’m going to tell my brother you did that!’ said Clive, rolling out of the way just in time to avoid being stomped on. But the Grantbot did not appear to care about Clive, his brother, or anything else for that matter, apart from marching towards the stage and terminating me.

  ‘I can’t stop it,’ called Grant, running after it. ‘It’s not responding. Once it goes into robot-attack mode, it won’t stop until the enemy robot is neutralised.’

  ‘But there is no robot,’ I said.

  ‘No,’ said Roberta, ‘but you’re dressed like one. Obviously it can’t tell the difference.’

  I started clawing at my costume, trying to get it off, but it was no use. Jack had got a bit too carried away with Mrs Rainbow’s silver duct tape. It was going to take hours to get this off.

  ‘Do you have your pocket-knife?’ I asked Roberta. ‘Can you cut me out of this thing?’

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘It’s being sharpened. It was blunt after cutting all those sticks the other day.’

  ‘I can’t get it off!’ I was really panicking now. ‘What am I going to do?’

  ‘Get out of here, and quick.’ Roberta stepped in front of me, shielding me from the Grantbot, and pushed me towards the edge of the stage.

  ‘RUN, HENRY!’ she yelled.

  I stumbled, fell off the stage and crashed down onto the floor below.

  I was lying there, flailing around, trying to get up, when Jenny, Jack and Gretel appeared. Roberta leaped down from the stage and all four of them helped me to my feet and began dragging me towards one of the exits.

  I looked around. Everybody else, except for Principal Greenbeard, had already run from the hall.

  The Grantbot thundered after us, crushing chairs under its powerful feet.

  Principal Greenbeard stepped up in front of it and drew a cutlass from his side. ‘AVAST, YOU DOG!’ he shouted. ‘Un-board this ship right now or I’ll redden the decks with your black-hearted blood!’

  The Grantbot, however, just knocked Principal Greenbeard aside and kept right on after me.

  Principal Greenbeard looked up at the enormous back of the Grantbot as it walked away from him. ‘What sort of man are you?’ he said, shaking his head in wonder.

  ‘It’s not a man!’ I said. ‘It’s a robot!’

  ‘A rowboat?’ said Principal Greenbeard. ‘Rowboats don’t have legs!’

  ‘Not a rowboat,’ I yelled, ‘a robot!’ and immediately wished I hadn’t because the Grantbot heard me and came crashing towards me.

  ‘RUN!’ said Roberta.

  I didn’t need to be told again.

  I ran as quickly as my duct-taped legs would allow me, which wasn’t much more than a fast hobble, but it was better than nothing.

  38

  The most important lesson I have ever learned in my whole life

  If you’re going to dress up as a robot, don’t use too much silver duct tape in case a robot-fighting robot sees you and you need to get out of your robot costume in a hurry.

  39

  Spade attack

  Roberta and I, followed closely by Principal Greenbeard, were the last ones out of the hall.

  The rest of the school were standing in a huge terrified huddle outside.

  As we emerged there was a flash of lightning followed by an enormous clap of thunder.

  But it wasn’t just the air around us that was trembling.

  The ground itself was shaking as the Grantbot attempted to smash its way out of the hall after us.

  That’s when the windows began to shatter.

  ‘Hey!’ said Grant excitedly. ‘Looks like the enemy-robot signal jammer works after all! The super high-pitched frequency is breaking the glass. If you were a robot, you’d really be in trouble now.’

  ‘In case you hadn’t noticed,’ I said, ‘I AM really in trouble now! I’m being chased by a robot-attacking robot!’

  ‘Make it stop, Grant!’ said Jenny.

  ‘I can’t!’ he said. ‘It won’t respond to voice commands. And I can’t get close enough to operate its manual-control panel.’

  ‘How long before it runs out of power?’ said Roberta.

  ‘That will never happen,’ said Grant. ‘It’s solar-powered. Theoretically it can run forever.’

  ‘Forever?’ said Jenny.

  ‘It won’t stop until it neutralises the enemy robot,’ said Grant.

  Everyone looked at me.

  ‘We’ve got to get you out of that costume, Henry,’ said Jenny, frantically pulling at the layers of tape plastered around my arms and legs.

  ‘WATCH OUT!’ yelled Grant.

  The Grantbot came crashing through the assembly hall wall . . . although, when I say ‘crashing through the wall’, I don’t mean ‘crashing through the wall’ so much as I mean that it pushed the entire wall over.

  The wall crumbled to the ground—and then all the other walls fell down too, and the roof collapsed. A cloud of dust and debris engulfed us.

  Principal Greenbeard shook his fist at the Grantbot. ‘You villain!’ he cried. ‘Just wait until I get my hands on you!’

  The Grantbot stood, scanned, locked onto me and began walking in my direction.

  Principal Greenbeard strode to meet it.

  ‘No you don’t, Principal Greenbeard!’ said Jenny, grabbing his arm. ‘Gretel! Help me!’

  ‘Come on, Principal Greenbeard,’ said Gretel. ‘We have to go!’

  ‘I’m not going anywhere!’ said Principal Greenbeard. ‘A captain never abandons his ship!’

  ‘When it’s being destroyed by a robot he does!’ said Gretel, scooping him up in her powerful arms and throwing him over her shoulder in a fireman’s lift. She hurried off with him, deposited him with the crowd of students and teachers huddled outside the school gate, and then came running back.

  Mr Brainfright, meanwh
ile, was attempting to calm everybody down. ‘Relax!’ he said, bravely holding his ground as the Grantbot advanced towards him. ‘There’s no need to panic! Robots are our friends!’ Then he turned to the robot. ‘I come in peace, my robot brother!’

  As he said this, the Grantbot stopped in front of Mr Brainfright and extended its arm.

  ‘See?’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘He doesn’t want to hurt us.’

  Mr Brainfright extended his right hand in a spirit of friendship.

  The Grantbot, however, had other plans. It took Mr Brainfright’s hand, picked him up and flipped him through the air until he landed headfirst in a flowerbed.

  ‘What do you think you’re doing, Brainfright?’ said an enraged Mr Spade, appearing out of nowhere.

  ‘This wasn’t my idea,’ said Mr Brainfright, brushing dirt off his head. ‘In case you hadn’t noticed, we’re under robot attack here!’

  ‘Robot attack?’ said Mr Spade, turning around to face the Grantbot. ‘That heap of nuts and bolts? Nothing my spade can’t fix!’

  ‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you,’ said Mr Brainfright.

  But it was too late.

  Mr Spade ran at the Grantbot, his spade raised high in the air, and then he brought it down hard across the Grantbot’s shoulder.

  A shower of sparks flew from the Grantbot’s metal shell.

  ‘Gotcha!’ cried Mr Spade in triumph. But his victory was short-lived.

  The Grantbot snatched the spade from his hands and snapped it in half like a toothpick, throwing both pieces to the ground.

  Mr Spade just stood and stared.

  Then he turned and ran.

  Jenny helped Mr Brainfright to his feet. ‘I thought you said robots were our friends!’

  ‘They are!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Except for the unfriendly ones!’

  40

  Mr Brainfright’s important lesson no. 2

  Robots are our friends . . . except for the unfriendly ones.

  41

  Search and destroy

  ‘Come on, Henry,’ said Roberta. ‘Run!’ She grabbed my hand and dragged me along. I couldn’t see a lot because of my robot mask, but I could see we were going in the direction of the art room. Jack, Jenny, Grant, Gretel and Newton were all doing their best to help me along, although Newton’s assistance was mainly confined to screaming, ‘It’s following us!’ and ‘Help! We’re all going to die!’