by Dave Barry
“Not at all. Can I be honest?”
“Please.”
“You were more of a pussy.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously. Right now, Stan and Mr. Woo are both sitting around counting their money and going, ‘That was Wendell Fucking Corliss? What a pussy.’”
Wendell snickered. It was his first snicker in perhaps forty-five years. “I guess you’re right,” he said. “Those were the worst negotiations I’ve ever been involved in. I violated all of my principles. But I have to say, I’ve enjoyed it. The whole night. I really enjoyed it.”
“Me too.”
Several more minutes passed in silence. Then Wendell said, “So the brownies are all gone?”
“I believe they are.”
“Do you think it would be difficult to get more?”
“Are you kidding? This is Miami. You can get anything you want. For the right money you could have the mayor come out and fuck a manatee right here on the beach.”
“As appealing as that sounds, I’m really just interested in the brownies.”
“Believe me, that is not a problem.”
Wendell stared at the sky. Out over the Atlantic, the horizon was just starting to change from deep black to light gray, the first hint of the new day coming.
“One more question,” he said.
“What?”
“How hard do you think it would be to get hold of Van Morrison?”
39
Seth turned in to the driveway of the Ritz just as a black Lincoln Navigator was pulling out. The atmosphere inside the Escalade was still tense, but since the convenience store Trevor had been well behaved in the backseat, sitting quietly directly behind Cyndi, mainly staring out the window.
He still held the red ring box in his right hand. Seth and Cyndi had not come up with a plan for getting him to part with it. They had decided to stop the car in a deserted part of the hotel parking lot and try to figure out their next move.
As Seth steered into the lot, he saw a woman standing next to a palm tree up ahead. Drawing closer, he recognized Meghan. She looked agitated.
“That’s Tina’s sister,” he said.
“What’s she doing out here?”
“I dunno.” He pulled up next to Meghan and lowered his window. “Meghan, you OK?”
“Seth!” she said. She glanced past him, registering the presence of Cyndi. “There’s a big problem.”
“What?”
“The people in your room. The Haitians.”
“What about them?”
“My father’s bodyguards, Brewer and Castronovo. They took them.”
“What? What do you mean, took them?”
“They went to your room and made them leave, the mom and the two kids. They were here just now in the parking lot. They left maybe two minutes ago.”
“Were they in a black Navigator?”
“Yes.”
“I saw them leave. Where are they taking them?”
“Delray something? Castronovo started to say the name but Brewer stopped him.”
“Delray Beach,” said Cyndi.
“Why would they take them there?” said Seth.
“I don’t know. I tried to stop them, but Brewer and Castronovo don’t listen to me. They do what my father says.”
“But why did your father tell them to do this? How’d he even know they were in my room?”
Meghan started to say something, stopped, shook her head. “No idea,” she said.
Seth stared at his hands, gripping the wheel. “Damn,” he said. “That poor woman has to be terrified.”
Meghan nodded. “They looked really scared.”
“Maybe we should call the police,” said Cyndi.
“No,” said Seth. “That’s exactly what Laurette doesn’t want. That was the point of this whole thing, her staying in my room. Damn.” He looked at Cyndi. “How would they go to Delray Beach?”
“Ninety-five, probably. It’s, like, an hour, hour and a half.”
“I still don’t get why Delray Beach. What would they do with them up there?”
“Maybe they just want them far away from here,” said Meghan. “So they won’t mess up the wedding.”
Seth looked at the sky, which was getting lighter. He put his forehead on the steering wheel. “Today,” he said. “I’m getting married today. Look at me. Look at this situation. How did everything get so fucked up?”
Cyndi said, “Don’t worry. It’s OK.”
Seth, his head still on the wheel, looked sideways at Cyndi. “How is it OK?”
“It just is. You get out of the car, walk into the hotel, get some sleep, wake up and have your wedding. It’ll be a wonderful day.”
“What about Laurette and her kids?”
“You did everything you could. She wouldn’t even be alive without you. This is not your fault. She knows that. Everybody knows that. You’re a good person and you did the best you could. But now it’s your wedding day and you need to just think about that.”
Seth sat up. Suddenly he felt desperately tired. He looked toward the hotel, where he had a nice big room with a nice big now-empty bed. He put his hand on the door handle.
She wouldn’t even be alive without you.
He took his hand off the door handle.
“We could follow them,” he said.
“What?” said Cyndi.
“Wait a minute,” said Meghan. “No.”
Seth looked at his watch. “There’s time. The wedding’s not until this afternoon. If we leave now and drive fast, we can catch up on I-95. We can follow them to Delray Beach.”
“And do what?” said Meghan. “They’re violent men, Seth. They have guns.”
“I’m not going to confront them. Just follow them and make sure they don’t do anything bad to Laurette and the kids.”
“And if they do?”
“I don’t know,” said Seth. “Call the police, I guess.”
“But she doesn’t want the police to know about her,” said Cyndi.
“OK,” said Seth. “I don’t have an exact plan. But I’m not just gonna let those two assholes take those people away and do whatever they want with them.” He started the engine. “I need to get going. You can get out if you want.”
Cyndi shook her head. “I’m going,” she said.
Seth put the car in gear.
“Wait,” said Meghan. “I’m going, too.” Before Seth or Cyndi could respond, she opened the back door, slid inside and pulled the door closed.
Then she screamed.
Then she said: “THERE’S A FUCKING ORANGUTAN IN THE BACKSEAT!”
“It’s OK,” said Cyndi.
“WHY IS IT OK?”
“He’s been pretty calm lately.”
Despite this assurance, Meghan sat rigidly still, staring at Trevor. Trevor was staring back at her. He reached out his left hand and very gently touched her hair with his left forefinger. Meghan did not move. Trevor stroked her hair for a moment, then pulled his hand back and resumed staring at her.
Meghan felt a little calmer. “Why,” she said, “is there an orangutan in this car?”
“It’s kind of a complicated story,” said Seth.
“Is that what it is?” said Cyndi. “An orangutan? Because we’ve been calling it a gorilla.”
“No, it’s definitely an orangutan. A full-grown male. I’m an animal person. I was going to be a veterinarian before I found out there would be actual study involved. What do you mean, it’s a complicated story?”
“Well,” said Seth, “to cut right to the chase, bottom line, it has Tina’s wedding ring.”
“The orangutan does?”
“Yeah. He’s been holding on to it. I don’t know why, but he seems to like it.”
Meghan looked at Trevor’s hands. The right one was wrapped around the red ring box. “But how—I mean, why—why does the orangutan have Tina’s wedding ring?”
“I can explain that,” said Seth. “But if we’re going to catch tho
se guys, we have to get moving. Are you still in?”
Meghan looked at Trevor. He was still looking at her.
“I’ve dated worse,” she said. “I’m still in.”
Seth hit the gas.
40
Rose and Sid were up early. They were always up early, because, as older people tend to do, they spent a substantial chunk of each morning in the bathroom, laboriously striving to execute bodily functions that younger people take for granted.
At the moment, it was Rose’s turn on the throne. As was her habit, she was keeping Sid up to date on her progress by yelling through the door.
“I’LL BE OUT SOON,” she was saying. “I THINK I’M ALMOST FINISHED. BUT IT COULD BE A LITTLE LONGER. SID? SID?”
“OK,” said Sid, this being what he always said in response to Rose’s morning play-by-play. Sid was sitting on the edge of the bed exactly where Rose had left him. He was watching the TV channel Rose had selected for him after she had spent ten minutes on the phone with a hotel employee who explained to her, with great patience, how to operate the remote control.
At the moment, the channel was showing the local news. On the screen was a thin but perky woman named Lisbeth Renaldo, who could have been pretty, but who also could have been Mike Tyson. There was no way to tell because she was wearing roughly a cubic yard of makeup.
“If you’re just joining us this morning,” she was saying, “we’re following one of those weird stories that makes you shake your head and say, ‘Only in Miami.’” To emphasize this point, Lisbeth shook her head. Her hair did not move a micron. “Miami-Dade Police are telling us that early this morning, the Primate Encounter tourist attraction in the Redlands was broken into by a man and a woman . . . who apparently stole an orangutan. Yes, you heard that right: They stole an orangutan! According to police, the pair allegedly used the animal to assault a security guard—an assault that led to gunfire. And, believe it or not, there is still more to this story. Police are now telling Action 5 that a short while after the assault at Primate Encounter, the alleged suspects then used this same orangutan to attack three bouncers at a gentlemen’s club on U.S. 1 in Kendall and then rob a convenience store a short distance away. Action 5 has exclusive coverage of this bizarre crime spree. We’ll begin with crime reporter Trace Finn, who is live on the scene at Primate Encounter. Trace, what’s the situation down there?”
“I’M ALMOST DONE,” shouted Rose from the bathroom.
“OK,” said Sid.
On the screen now was a suit-wearing blond man who appeared to be about twenty-three years old. He was standing in front of the roadside Primate Encounter sign, holding a microphone, his brow slightly furrowed to indicate seriousness. Standing next to him was the blobular form of Artie Kunkel, still wearing his security guard uniform, which featured armpit stains the size of Frisbees.
“Lisbeth,” said Trace Finn to the camera, “it almost sounds like a joke—robbers stealing an orangutan and using it to attack a security guard. But there’s nothing funny about what happened here if you were the victim of that attack. I’m standing here with Primate Encounter security guard Arnie Krunkle, who—”
“Artie,” said Artie.
“Sorry, Artie Krunkle, who—”
“Kunkel. There’s no r. Just Kunkel.”
“OK, fine,” said Trace Finn, trying without complete success to hide his annoyance. “Can you tell us exactly what happened here last night?”
“ALMOST FINISHED,” called Rose from the bathroom.
“OK,” said Sid.
“Well,” said Artie, “I was making my rounds, which I do every hour. I go around and check on things. I do this every hour. I follow a certain route that I’m prescribed to take where I go from one thing to another. So, basically, I’m almost always out patrolling. I start at the back, and then there’s this path that goes around all the animal cages, starting with the monkeys, and then over to the birds, and then over to—”
“So can you tell us when you saw the alleged assailants?” said Trace Finn, moving things along.
“Right,” said Artie. “So I was making my rounds and I heard some noise out by the front gate and I went to investigate, which is when I saw the alleged assailants.”
“And it was a man and a woman?”
“Right, a man and a woman. I ordered them to halt, which is when Trevor attacked.”
“Trevor?”
“Trevor is the orangutan.”
“It attacked you?”
“Yes, which is when I had to defend myself, in self-defense. With the gun.”
“So you had a gun?”
Artie, with a glance at the camera, said, “No.”
“You didn’t have a gun?”
“I’m not supposed to carry a gun. So I don’t.”
“But shots were fired, right?”
“Right. Shots were fired.”
“So who fired them?”
Another glance at the camera. “I did.”
“So you did have a gun.”
“Not at first. Eventually I did have a gun, yes.”
“JUST ANOTHER MINUTE,” said Rose.
“OK,” said Sid.
“How did you eventually get a gun?” said Trace Finn.
“I took it away from him,” said Artie.
Trace Finn’s brow furrows deepened.
“Wait, are you saying the orangutan had a gun?”
“No, the guy. The assailant. I took his gun.”
“How did you get it away from him?”
“I don’t really remember.”
“OK,” said Trace Finn, determined to get this thing done, “so you got the gun, and then what?”
“I fired it. In self-defense.”
“Did you hit the assailant? Or Taylor?”
“Who’s Taylor?”
“The orangutan.”
“No, he’s Trevor.”
“OK, did you hit him? Or anybody?”
“I don’t know. It was dark.”
“Then what happened?”
“They jumped in the car and drove away.”
“Were you hurt in the struggle?”
“What struggle?”
“To get the gun.”
“Oh. No. I was just doing my job.”
Trace Finn looked into the camera again.
“So there you have it, Lisbeth. An eyewitness account from security guard Artie Krunkle.”
“Kunkel,” said Artie. “There’s no r.”
“JUST ANOTHER MINUTE,” said Rose.
“OK,” said Sid.
Lisbeth Renaldo was back on the screen. “Thank you, Trace,” she said. “Police told Action 5 News that the assailants left Primate Encounter in a late-model black Cadillac Escalade. They then apparently drove to Chuckletrousers, a gentlemen’s club located on U.S. 1.”
The TV screen showed the exterior of Chuckletrousers.
“It is not known why they went here, but what is known is that the orangutan attacked three Chuckletrousers bouncers in this parking lot. All three were injured, although police say that fortunately none of them were hurt seriously. Meanwhile the assailants took off again in the Escalade.”
“ONE MINUTE,” said Rose.
“OK,” said Sid.
The TV screen was now showing the convenience store.
“A short while later,” said Lisbeth, “they used the orangutan to threaten the cashier at this convenience store a little farther north on U.S. 1. They forced the cashier to open the register and give them an undetermined amount of cash.”
The screen was showing Lisbeth again, her expression letting the viewers know she still couldn’t believe how crazy this all was.
“Police have released this video from a surveillance camera in the Chuckletrousers parking lot,” she said.
The screen showed a grainy, dimly lit image. In the foreground, scooting backward toward the camera on the ground on their butts, were three large male figures. Advancing on them, teeth bared, was Trevor.
“Thi
s was moments after the orangutan attacked the bouncers,” said Lisbeth. “You can see them on the ground with the orangutan still threatening them.”
Several feet behind Trevor, a shadowy female figure could be seen helping a shadowy male figure to his feet next to a dark-colored car.
“The two suspects are in the background,” said Lisbeth. “You can see the female suspect helping the male suspect get up; apparently he was knocked down at some point during the attack, although the details of that are not clear.”
The female figure was pushing the male toward the passenger car, shoving him into the open doorway. As he got in, he turned sideways and for just a second he was looking toward the camera.
Sid frowned and leaned forward.
“I’M DONE,” said Rose. There was a flushing sound. “SID? SID?”
“OK,” said Sid.
On the screen, the female figure jumped in after the man, pushing him over to the passenger side. She threw the car into gear. At the instant it lurched forward, Trevor, showing amazing quickness and agility for his size, darted into the car via the back doorway. As the car accelerated forward and disappeared off camera, the doors slammed shut. The video ended with the bouncers scrambling to their feet.
Lisbeth was back on camera, now looking Serious. “The couple—and the orangutan—are still at large. They were last seen driving a late-model black Cadillac Escalade northbound on U.S. 1 in South Miami. Miami-Dade Police are asking anyone with any information on the suspects to call Crimestoppers. But police are warning people not to approach the suspects, who are believed to be armed and dangerous. Police are especially warning people not to approach the orangutan, which as you saw in the surveillance video can be a very dangerous animal. Action 5 will be following this story closely and we’ll have continued reports throughout the morning. But right now we’re going to take you to Coral Springs, where yesterday a motorist drove his car into a community swimming pool.”
The screen showed a large swimming pool with a 1998 Buick LeSabre fully submerged in the deep end.
“You can go in now,” said Rose, emerging from the bathroom. She looked at the TV screen. “Is that a car in the swimming pool?”
“I think I saw Seth,” said Sid.