Jack was sitting on the sofa, facing the main hallway in silent expectation. He’d been waiting for my appearance.
I stopped dead in my tracks when we made eye contact. “What are you doing here?” I asked, caught and embarrassed.
His voice dripped with disappointment. “You never answered my text. I anticipated this would be your next move.”
His presence had startled me and the realization he chose to remain behind pissed me off. Exhausted and defensive, I fired the first shot. “You should be with Heide.”
I stormed down the hall to Heide’s bedroom, and Jack hopped up from the sofa to follow me.
“You’re better than that, Kathleen,” he roared. “Stop playing the long-suffering martyr!”
Jack’s words stung and I moved even faster, desperate to put any level of distance between us.
“Don’t ignore me,” he demanded. “We need to talk about what happened.”
I glanced over my shoulder, but didn’t halt my progress. “No, we don’t! You need to be with Heide!”
I entered the bedroom and made my way to the closet, intent on following through with my plans. Jack paused in the doorway and spread his arms to brace either side of the frame, ensuring I couldn’t leave the room without going through him.
“So let me get this straight,” he began infuriated, “You have this unrealistic idea of how I should behave, and when I don’t meet your expectations, or God forbid act human, you get mad?”
I kept my back to him as I responded. “Just stop it. I didn’t come here to fight with you.”
“What do you need?” he barked with impatience. “Tell me.”
“I need to get my things and go back to Bend.”
“Don’t do this, Kathleen.”
I whipped around to face him, as my tears threatened to spill. “Why did you do this? You’re making things worse with Allison!”
“Fuck that!” he yelled, smacking his hand against the doorframe. “She’s infuriated with me either way! After everything you and your father have done to accommodate her! I hate the way she treats you. I don’t give a shit about her right now!”
I held a shoe in my hand and threw it to the other side of the bedroom in outrage. “You should give a shit, Jack! If not for her, then for your daughter!”
Jack looked over at the discarded ballet flat slumped against the wall. “What in the hell is wrong with you?”
“You just don’t get it!” I screamed.
“I really don’t,” he said in a tremendous effort to maintain his composure. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”
I paced the bedroom like the trapped woman I was. “Sitting on the sofa with Heide? Listening to the two of you scream at each other? Watching your daughter worry and cry? It was like I was listening to my parents all over again!”
Jack had no response to this, and I paused in the middle of the room. I lowered my head to take a few calming breaths and placed my hands on my hips. “I’m not going to stay here and fuel your fighting. I care too much about Heide to allow my presence to set the two of you off like that again.”
Jack’s temporary sense of calm evaporated. “You think leaving Portland, leaving me behind is going to end all that?” he yelled. “You go back to your quiet condo in Bend, and poof Jack and Allison will get along just fine when you’re gone? That’s pretty fucking convenient, Kathleen!”
I lifted my head with deliberate slowness and glared at Jack. “How is any of this convenient?”
Jack was too angry to remain in the doorway and marched right up to me. He was as close to me now as he’d been to Allison when I interrupted them the day before. I held my ground and raised my head up to meet his red-hot stare.
“What is this all about, huh?” he demanded. “It’s getting too hard for you so you’re just going to run away? Well, why the hell not? You have no obligation here!”
“What about your obligation?” I countered. “I’m nothing but a distraction, Jack!”
“Bullshit!” he bellowed. He stepped back from me and turned away, raising his hands to pull his hair in frustration.
“You think I’m so full of shit?” I pushed. “Then why were you trying to take off with me last night? Why are you standing here screaming at me rather than helping your daughter with her therapy?”
Jack whirled around to face me once again, more enraged than I’d ever seen him. “Don’t you dare!” he shouted at me while extending an angry finger toward me. “I am a good father! I am not Robert!”
Jack was rooted to his spot, fuming.
I held out a hand as I tried to clarify my point. “You’re right. Your problems with Allison won’t dissolve when I leave Portland, but if I go home you’ll have more time with her to figure out how you two are going to help your daughter heal. Allison’s not going back to Baltimore anytime soon. She’s coming back to Bend with you. Whatever kind of family you’re going to be now is the time to lay down the foundation.”
“Don’t lecture me on parenthood, Kathleen! What the fuck do you know about family harmony?”
Jack’s furious words struck me like a sucker punch. “Nothing,” I whispered.
He paced the bedroom once again. “A negligent father! A suicidal mother! For fuck’s sake, you’ll never even have children!”
He smacked the bedroom wall for emphasis. When he did, my trust in Jack Evans shattered. The tears began to fall from my eyes before I could register the full impact of his offensive words. If his goal was to hurt me in the worst way imaginable, he’d just succeeded with flying colors.
Jack froze in place. Overcome by heartbreak, I cried in grief and agony as Jack stood nearby. He began mumbling words of sorrow and regret, but I was too lost in my pain to understand anything he was saying. After several minutes, he tentatively approached and reached out to embrace me.
I reached out with both hands, placed them on his chest and I violently pushed him away. “Leave me alone!” I shrieked.
“Listen to me,” he begged. “Let me apologize.”
“Go to hell!” I yelled.
Jack didn’t back away, but he didn’t attempt to touch me. I lost track of time and didn’t know how many minutes dragged on, but eventually I gained slight control over my emotions.
I stepped around Jack and walked out of the bedroom. I moved toward the entryway, no longer concerned about the items I came to collect. I wobbled several times before reaching the front door because of the poisoned numbness radiating from my heart into my limbs.
“Wait. Please.” Jack had followed me once again and this time there was sadness in his voice.
The damage done, I turned to look at him, knowing that my injury was plain to see.
Jack’s brown eyes were full of regret and fear. “Just wait,” he pleaded in a pained whisper.
I did with stone cold silence.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going back to Bend. Back to the office. Back to my home.”
“Are you leaving me for good?”
“I thought you were different.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“I’ll get your keys back from Tracie. I’ll look after your house until you get back.”
Jack nearly lost his temper again, and began shaking with the effort needed to maintain it. “Don’t play mind games with me. I don’t have the patience right now.”
“I can’t decide anything,” I blurted with honesty. “Except that I’m leaving Portland. We’ll worry about the rest later.”
I left my father’s apartment, and this time Jack didn’t follow me.
MY ORIGINAL plan had been to get the rest of my things, check out of the Sentinel and drive back to Bend that same day. I yearned to sleep in my own bed. I hadn’t been back to my condo in months, and there were no lasting memories of Jack upon my own mattress. I wanted to leave the city, but the emotional toll our fight had taken on me was too severe.
The drive from Robert’s apartment back to the hotel only took minute
s, but by the time I returned to my suite, I was too overwhelmed to do anything but crawl into the king-sized bed and burrow underneath the covers. I fell into a deep sleep, and when I woke up, evening had set in.
Out of habit, I reached for my phone. There were now two unanswered text messages from Jack, but no missed calls. A new e-mail had arrived in my work account. Without thinking, I opened it. If nothing else, the message might provide a much-needed distraction.
After reading the e-mail, I crawled from the bed and went into the bathroom to freshen up. I opened my neglected suitcase and opted to change my clothes, desperately hoping that a new outfit would shed most of the past two days away from my suffering soul.
I combed my hair and tossed it up into a ponytail before brushing my teeth and deciding it was the best I could do under the circumstances. I wasn’t one to indulge in heavy cosmetics and was confident enough in my appearance not to rely on them. I didn’t see any point in going through the process for my planned evening indoors.
There was nothing to do and too much time to occupy. I convinced myself to make a trip down the hall to retrieve some ice. Better to go while I had a small amount of energy to do so. Knowing that the hotel pre-bagged their ice, I left the bucket behind, taking only my room key.
I took my time wandering the corridor. Instead of stopping at the ice freezer, I proceeded to the stairway and walked down to the second floor. I strolled around the corridor until I arrived at a corner room. I stood in front of it for several undecided moments, and then I curled my hand into a fist and knocked.
As soon as I drew my hand back, I second guessed my action and turned back to the elevator. I didn’t even make it to the next suite down the hallway before the room’s occupant opened the door. I forced myself not to look back and kept walking.
“Kathleen?”
I stopped and pivoted. Ryan Murray’s head and shoulders were leaned into the hallway.
“Hey,” I greeted him weakly.
His forehead wrinkled with confusion. “Were you walking away?”
“Yeah,” I confessed, not yet willing to move in one direction or the other. “I didn’t think before I came down here. I got your e-mail, but if now’s not a good time …”
He smiled and waved a dismissive hand. “I wasn’t doing anything but trying to figure out where to go for dinner. Come on back here.”
Not knowing what else to do, I obeyed Ryan’s request. He leaned against the doorframe, with his hands in his pockets. My legs felt heavy and uncertain but they carried me back to him.
“How fortunate for me that you’re in town,” he spoke with comforting warmth.
I glanced over my shoulder before turning to look into his friendly blue eyes.
“Would you like to come in?” he asked.
“Sure.”
Ryan stepped aside and I entered his room. He closed the door behind me, and I paused in the middle of the room.
I didn’t want to sit on Ryan’s bed and there was just a lone chair sitting at the work desk. I chose to sit in the chair, figuring he could sit on the mattress. Instead, Ryan opted to lean against the closet door. He didn’t want to sit on the bed either.
I tried to locate a coherent thought.
“You look upset,” Ryan commented. “Would you like me to crack open the mini bar?”
“No, thank you. I couldn’t subject you to that horrendous expense.”
“It’s not an offer I’d extend to just anyone, but desperate times call for desperate measures.” He looked at me with expectation.
I shook my head a final time. “I’m too upset to consider alcohol tonight.”
“Oh.” Ryan straightened his posture and stepped a little closer.
Remaining quiet, he studied me and then made another suggestion. “You look exhausted. Why don’t you lie down for a few minutes?”
I swallowed. “I’ve been lying down all afternoon. I need to move around.”
Ryan approached me and my edginess ticked up. When he reached the desk, he was close enough for me to detect the lingering scent of his aftershave. He reached over my shoulder and collected his room key from the desk. I let out a small sigh of relief as he turned and walked back to his spot near the closet door.
When we made eye contact, he said, “Just give it a few minutes more.” He pointed to his perfectly made bed. “You rest and I’ll go down to Starbucks and get you some tea. Earl Grey, wasn’t it?”
“How do you remember that?”
He grinned. “It’s a gift. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Ryan left his room without another word.
I could stand or pace around the room while I waited for him to return. I could do anything else but lie down on Ryan’s bed. As soon as I was alone, I rose from the chair with rebellious intention—and too much ambition. Overcome with unexpected dizziness, it took an onslaught of lightheadedness to bring me back to my senses. Remembering how I had guided Allison through a similar spell, I stretched out on the bed. The coolness of the sheets against my clammy skin was welcome and refreshing. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, willing myself into a state of necessary calm.
Ryan returned with a single cup of tea. He approached my side of the bed and waited in patient silence as I rose to a sitting position. I accepted the proffered tea and attempted to move away from the bed, but he stopped my progress by taking a seat in the chair.
Instead, I resituated myself on the mattress, sitting on the corner just across from him. I sipped my tea and felt myself check out of reality as the warmth of the beverage soothed my jagged nerves. All the while, Ryan sat in the chair, waiting. It was several minutes before he initiated another conversation between us.
“When was the last time you ate something?” he prodded. “You look pale.”
I looked down at the lid of my Starbucks cup. “Not recently.”
Unsatisfied with my answer, he persisted with gentleness. “What have you had to eat today?”
“Today?” I held my tea aloft in a poor attempt at humor. “Just this.”
Ryan frowned.
I glanced nervously toward the door. “I shouldn’t be here.”
“But you are,” he responded. “So let me take you to dinner, and we’ll figure out why that is.”
I nodded. Ryan had been kind to me, as usual, and I wanted to honor that. I didn’t want to linger in his hotel room. “Any place in particular?” I asked.
“I’ve been saving Departure for you. Remember?” He grinned. “I’ll call and see if they’re still taking reservations.”
It was a Jack free zone, so I agreed to Ryan’s suggestion. I rose to my feet and Ryan stood up with me. He reached out a tentative hand and took hold of my elbow. We both stilled as we anticipated the worst. As the seconds ticked by and I did not collapse to the floor, the tension lightened between us.
“What room are you staying in?”
“Six eighteen,” I said. “I’ll go get ready for dinner.”
“I’ll call you when I get our reservation set.”
“Thank you for the tea, Ryan. It helped.”
“I’m glad. You’ll feel even better after you eat something.”
I opened the door to Ryan’s room and stepped into the hallway. I nodded, but didn’t believe him. I was unconvinced that I would ever be whole again.
Several hours later, I returned to my room to spend one final night at the Sentinel.
I was sober, but well fed. Ryan and I had spoken about several things during our meal, but he was careful to avoid the subject of my greatest distress. He allowed me to direct the flow of conversation and never pushed for information I was unwilling to share.
I was stronger both physically and mentally. I prepared for bed, opting to take a sleeping aid. I sat down on my bed and spotted my neglected phone on the bedside table. It had been hours since I’d left Jack in my father’s apartment. I didn’t know if I was prepared to read the text messages he’d sent me but, good or bad, the time had come to see what he had to s
ay.
I picked up my phone and found that Jack’s unread messages had increased from two to four. I read them in order and noted how each one sounded more fearful than the last. It was the final message he’d sent, less than twenty minutes earlier that threatened to undo the slight progress I’d made during my evening out.
“Please let me know you’re safe. I need to know nothing bad has happened to you. I’m scared.”
I’d made a few decisions over the course of the evening. I feared calling Jack would unravel my fragile resolve, but it was also clear he’d become progressively frightened during the hours following our argument. I texted him, hoping it would ease his mind. “I didn’t mean to worry you. I’m all right.”
Jack’s response was immediate, as though he’d been waiting for my reply. “Are you home? Can I call you?”
I was slow in offering my response. I needed to rest and couldn’t change my plan. “I’ll be home tomorrow. I’ll call you then and let you know I’m safe. I’d like to say hello to Heide, too.”
Jack replied, “You don’t know how much I want to see you. To tell you how sorry I am. To kiss you and beg you to stay. But more than anything else, I want you to know that I listened to you today. I will fix everything. I promise.”
I began to type out a response and found I wanted to ask Jack to come to the hotel for a little while, but I stopped short of hitting the send button. He wouldn’t hesitate if I extended the invitation. Once I had Jack back in my arms, a little while would turn into the entire night. We’d succumb to our explosive desires and, no doubt, achieve a state of incredible bliss, but doing so would exacerbate our dilemma. Bringing Jack into my bed so soon would resolve nothing.
I deleted my unsent text and sent an alternate message. “Kiss your daughter’s forehead for me. Good night.”
I turned my phone off and set it back down on the bedside table. Within minutes, I fell into a deep and dreamless slumber.
TWO DAYS later, I returned to the office, arriving early enough in the morning to avoid the awkwardness of my unexpected appearance. My desk was clear and there were no surprise projects waiting for me. Robert had promised to take care of things while I was in Portland.
Constellation Page 27