by Logan Jacobs
“Some form of Earth entertainment mumbo-jumbo nonsense, as per usual,” Grizz grumbled and walked over to the head of the table. “By the Haft of Haggar’s Halberd I will never understand your insistence on constantly inserting such trivialities into every moment of your existence, human.”
“It’s part of my irascible charm,” I said cockily. “Plus, I literally can’t help it. It’s how my brain works. You should try being inside this funhouse.”
“No, no you should not,” PoLarr said. “I love you, Marc, but sometimes I wish to turn your brain on mute.”
“You and me both sister,” I nodded at her as I sat down myself. “You and me both.”
“Hey, can we get back to the fact that you guys booted much booty today?” Artie asked with a big grin. “I saw the confetti thing in some old vids of Earth and thought it would be fun. Is it fun?”
“Way fun, Artie,” I said as I picked confetti out of my hair.
“Yay!” She effused.
“I was surprised when you decided to assist Tempest if I am being honest, Havak,” Grizz said. “Although it turned out to work in your favor. Her exceptional abilities as a sharpshooter helped you tremendously in the final battle.”
“She did indeed fight valiantly,” Nova agreed.
“She is sexy and dangerous,” Aurora echoed. “My kind of lady.”
“We should invite her into the alliance,” Artemis chirped from behind the Command Center console.
“Hmm,” Grizz hummed as his big, dinner plate sized holographic hand rubbed his chin in contemplation. “That would max out our alliance membership until Platinum Tier. Her abilities could be a boon though.”
“What do you think, Marc?” Artemis asked.
“I mean, I like her,” I replied honestly. “She’s good in a fight. We could use someone like her. You guys?”
“I said she was my kind of lady, sugar,” Aurora said like I was a cute, but dumb, puppy.
“She possesses valuable skills and is a fierce fighter,” Nova agreed.
“I like her attitude,” PoLarr nodded. “She’s just like John Wayne. Rough and tough and won’t take shit from anyone.”
“Who?” Grizz asked. “I would like to meet this John Wayne. He sounds formidable.”
“Sorry, Grizz,” I hated to break it to the big guy, “he’s been dead since the Seventies.”
“By the Dagger of Darius the Dearly Departed,” he said, “I curse these mortal coils at times.”
“Awesome!” Artemis clapped. “I’ll send over the invite now.”
“Hey, let Woodhouse know we will probably need to get the spare room ready,” I added. “If she wants to bunk with us that is.”
“Will do,” Artie said and gave me a thumbs up.
“That was a very interesting battle, Havak,” Grizz said as he watched the black and white, news reel footage on the monitor. “It must have been a very fearful time for you planet.”
“Yeah,” I said and thought about it. “It was a long time ago. Long before I was born, but most of our grandparents fought in it. They were a different breed. You would have liked them, Grizz. That war and its aftermath changed a lot on Earth.”
“I can imagine,” he contemplated. “When I was a young warrior, before I became champion, there was a warlord who wished to cleanse my homeworld of my race. He almost succeeded. I lost many friends to his horde. But we rose up and eventually he was defeated. Hatred is corrosive.”
“Word, Grizz,” I said.
We all sat for a few moments lost in our own thoughts as the adrenaline from the battle faded. It was always a strange feeling. I’d gotten so used to the way the fight-or-flight hormone jacked with all my senses that when it was gone is when I started to feel off instead of the other way around. There was always this anticlimactic let down after a battle. First it was elation. A rush of exuberance to be alive and victorious. But then, when that faded, a sort of emptiness left by the lack of mortal danger. The only thing that seemed to help that was spending time with my alliance mates doing mundane things. I was pretty sure it's why our post match ritual was hanging out in our PJs at the apartment while I exposed my alien cohorts to the finest in Earth pop culture entertainment. Soon, we’d have to start binge watching TV shows.
Soon, the door to the gym opened, and Tempest Dirk sauntered in with a big duffle bag slung over her shoulder. She strode right over to the conference table, tossed the bag onto it, put her hand on her hips and looked us all over.
“I accept,” she said forcefully. “Now, when do we eat? I’m freaking hungry as hell? Is that Grizz? Damn, you’re big, dude. What do you bench?”
“Um, I, what do you mean?” Grizz stammered.
“Never mind,” she waved him off, sat in an empty chair and propped her feet up on the table. “I like you guys. You seem fun. My last alliance was not fun at all. They were a bunch of dicks. Tiny, stunted, pinky sized dicks. You know, the opposite of what I’ve heard about you, Havak.”
“I’m sorry, what?” I sputtered.
“Oh, it’s rumored you’re packing some heat there, Havak,” Tempest grinned at me.
“This is something people talk about?” I shot back as I felt my cheeks flush red. I glanced over at my alliance mates who all looked more than a bit sheepish. Well, except Aurora. She met my gaze and winked at me.
“What?” PoLarr shrugged. “We like to brag. Show some backbone will ya?”
“Yes, Marc,” Artemis said from behind the computer. Her cheeks were as red as mine felt. “I found myself engaged in a circle of gossip before I knew what was happening. Words flew out of my mouth that I did not expect as I sat with a group of my female friends. I could not help it. It made me feel a sense of belonging and pride, because some of them did not have a sexual partner who was capable of satisfying their needs. I boasted. I boasted big time.”
“Don’t be embarrassed, sugar,” Aurora reassured. “We just told them all enough to make them jealous. Deliciously jealous.”
“Unlike you, Havak,” PoLarr added, “we just gave them the tip.”
“We sang your prodigious praises,” Nova said. “Long, and hard.”
“Oh my god!” I blurted out. My face felt like it was on fire. I mean, it was cool as hell to have a group of sexy, bad-ass women bragging about my manhood, but it was also embarrassing. “You know what? We should go show Tempest around the apartment. Yup. That’s what we are going to do. Everybody to the apartment.”
I got up and began to walk toward the door.
“Is he always this easy to rile up?” Tempest asked behind me.
“No,” Nova replied. “This was unusual. Funny, but highly unusual. Don’t get used to it.”
“I’ll rile you up,” I shot back. It sounded way cooler in my head.
“Promises,” Tempest said cockily.
“That’s it, let’s go,” I said and put my hand in the air and then pointed forward like I was leading a charge of cavalry. I didn’t wait to see if they were following me but soon Artemis was at my side and took my hand.
“We’re sorry, Marc,” she said and nuzzled into my chest as we walked. “I did not know that making others jealous would produce such a pleasurable feeling.”
“Ah, it’s okay, Artie,” I reassured her. “Bragging is a natural human behavior. Plus, I mean, hey, it doesn’t exactly suck to have a bunch of smoking hot women singing my praises.”
“Not yet it doesn’t, sugar, but the night is young,” Aurora drawled from behind me in a tone that made said praises stir in my pants.
We walked through the Hall of Champions which was abuzz with activity. The next match was about to start. There was a constant rotation of matches lately. Obviously there were way too many champions to all fight at the same time, so it was like we were in a major league sports team rotation. Since we’d advanced to Gold Tier a few weeks ago, our matches were harder, and more involved, but we got at least a couple of days down time in between.
Outside there was a small crowd of fans m
illing about. They all held signs supporting their favorite alliance or champion. Again, much like major league sports. There were more than a few “Team Havak Rocks!” or “WE LOVE TEAM HAVAK!” signs in the mix. Normally, I would be all about signing some autographs and stuff, but I was tired, so we skirted out a side exit of the building and caught a hover-cab back to the apartment.
“Well, well, looks like there is a new member of my favorite alliance in over a decade,” Hank, our golden skinned, kindly old concierge/doorman said from behind the ornate counter of the lobby in the hotel.
“Hey, Hank,” I said and walked over to shake his hand. Hank reminded me of my great Uncle Joe’s best friend, Mr. Early. They had been lifelong friends, having grown up in Queens together. Hank sounded just like him. “How’s the family?”
“Good, good,” he shook my hand firmly. “Grand-kids getting bigger by the day. Who's the lovely new addition?”
“Hank, this is Tempest Dirk,” I introduced her to him. “Tempest, this is Hank. He keeps this place running smoothly and all the riff-raff out.”
“Ah, no riff-raff,” he chuckled and shook Tempest’s hand. “Nice to meet you, sweetie. If you need anything, let old Hank know, okay.”
“Sure thing, Hank,” Tempest replied with a smile. “You’re way friendlier than the doorman at where I used to live. Mordock was a douche.”
“Mordock?” Hank whistled. “Yeah, that guy is an asshole.”
“Hank?” I had never heard him curse before.
“What?” Hank said. “I call em like I see ‘em. I’ve known Mordock for longer than most of you have been alive. He tried to sleep with my wife. Twice. We had a little chat about it that put him in med-rest for a week.”
“Damn, Hank,” I blurted out.
“I would very much like to hear that story, Hank,” Nova said. “We shall share a bottle of good Paladinian mead.”
“Sounds like a plan, Ms. Qwark,” He smiled at her.
“I like you, Hank,” Tempest added. “I like you a lot.”
“From what I can tell so far,” he grinned, “I like you too. Now, enough talking to my old bones. Go, enjoy your evening.”
“You old rascal,” I said to him with a wave as we walked to the elevator.
A few minutes later, we stood in the living room of my apartment and the home of Team Havak. A few months ago it had been a simple, one-bedroom unit, nice, but small. With each win it had gotten a little larger and a little nicer. I had no clue how the physics of the whole thing worked, it was like a damn Tardis from Doctor Who. Artemis had explained early on that a lot of alliances tended to live together. It fostered a stronger bond and made for better communication in the arena. My quaint little place was now the size of a freaking penthouse.
The living room was spacious with a large, sectional couch and several easy chairs arranged around my wall sized viewing screen. A kitchen was just off the main entrance hallway and there were now six full sized bedrooms with attached baths, a small office/study, and a big ass balcony.
“Good evening, sir, madams,” Woodhouse’s electronic British voice came from the kitchen as the canister vacuum stood on end robot motored into the living room with a tray full of beverages. “Ms. Dirk, I took the liberty of preparing your room based on your previous lodgings. Your belongings have already been moved over.”
“Nice,” Tempest said as she took a drink and plopped down on the couch. “I like you, too.”
“Thank you, ma’am,” Woodhouse beamed.
“Yup,” Tempest added. “Man, this is way better than the damned gulag Hann-Abel ran.”
The rest of us grabbed our favorite beverages from Woodhouse and plopped down on the couch as well.
“I gotta say, you don’t seem like you would fit in with that group,” I admitted and took a long sip of Guinness from my pint glass. I’d had Woodhouse install a kegerator of the rich, black, creamy elixir of the gods a few weeks ago. “How’d you end up in that alliance?”
“Not really sure, to be honest with you,” Tempest replied. “I’d managed to get through the first few trials on my own. My natural abilities and ‘copies’ kept me in the game. Hann-Abel sought me out. I thought he seemed okay and I needed to alliance up, so I agreed. Worst mistake ever. He was a dick. The rest of my alliance were all dicks. It became obvious real quick that he only wanted my ability to make multiple versions of myself. It pissed him off when he realized that I topped out at about five. More than that and they start to get really stupid.”
“Like how a copy of a copy degrades?” Artemis asked.
“Exactly,” Tempest answered. “By the time they get around fifteen it’s just not worth it. Plus, the mental energy to keep all of them psychically connected gets too much for me. And before you get any ideas, yes, it is weird sexually, and I won’t do it.”
“I wasn’t going to ask,” I lied. I was totally going to ask.
“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter,” she saw right through me. “Everyone asks.”
“Then yeah, I was gonna ask,” I admitted.
“Yeah, I know,” she smirked. “So, what is this business all about? We usually just all went back to our rooms after a match.”
“Oh, sugar, you are in for a treat,” Aurora said as she lounged back on the couch.
“Movie time,” PoLarr said and popped the foot rest out of a lounger.
“Havak likes to treat us to Earth entertainment,” Nova said as she kicked off her boots and pulled a throw blanket over her legs. “It is fun.”
“Way fun,” Artemis chirped and scooted in close to me.
“Oh yeah, movies?” Tempest said. “I love Earth movies. I won a bunch of them in a card game a while ago. Lots of fun. You got this movie called Hard Boiled? It’s nuts.”
Woodhouse took that as a request and the lights in the living room began to dim. The wall in front of us blazed to life with bright Chinese writing as the seminal John Woo classic began to play.
“Oh my god,” I gasped, “you had me at Hard Boiled.”
Chapter Five
“What the hell are you doing up?” Tempest said as she puffed on one of her little cigars.
“I was about to ask you the same question,” I answered.
We were both on the sidewalk outside of my apartment building. The morning was just starting to break. Or evening. The planet that we were on had moons that were as bright as any sun and made night time seem like the day and vice versa. Astrologically it seemed impossible but what the hell did I know?
“I’m an early riser,” she shrugged.
“Yeah, me too,” I said. “I’m going on a donut run, wanna come?”
“Yes,” she replied, “and what the hell is a donut?”
“Oh, boy,” I gushed. “Are you in for a treat. Donuts are a gift from heaven. You see, you take sugar infused dough in the shape of a small tire, deep fat fry it, then sprinkle or glaze it with more sugar.”
“That sounds fucking great, what are we waiting for?” Tempest said and moved her cigar to the corner of her mouth.
“Exactly,” I said, and we began to walk down the street. ‘
The city was just starting to come alive. The inhabitants of Valiance City got ready for their day. The city was huge and sprawling like something in Star Wars mixed with Blade Runner and The Fifth Element. Brilliant rays of gold and orange shone through the valleys created by the massive skyscraper of the city as the moons poked above the horizon. Hover-car highways wound through the buildings like lines of ants. Aliens of every color, creed, shape, and race began to wake and go about their days, slowly filling the streets in a way that made New York seem like a podunk backwater.
“So, tell me about Earth,” Tempest said as we made our way through the increasing pedestrian traffic. “Seems like a crap hole.”
“Wow,” I blurted. “Harsh.”
“I don’t mince words, Marc,” Tempest said. “Especially if I like you. If I start blowing smoke up your ass, I’m probably trying to con something from you.�
�
“That is good to know,” I said. “So, Earth. Um, huh? I have no clue where to begin, actually. We like to fight with each other over stupid shit.”
“Eh, that ain’t anything special,” she shrugged. “My planet is full of grifters, makes for interesting dinner dates.”
“Actually,” I said as we reached our destination, “I’ll let you take in the inside of JoJo’s. It does more justice to Earth than I could ever hope to explain with words.”
We were in front of a small store front. The sign above the doorway read: JoJo’s Donuts - Home Of All Things Earth.
Tempest and I walked through the door and there was a little chime as we did. A second later a five foot tall Teddy bear came from a doorway in the back. He had dark brown fur, warm, golden eyes and wore a Spuds McKenzie shirt and no pants.
“Champion Havak, oh me, oh my, it is so good to see you again!” JoJo effused.
“Hey, JoJo,” I went over shook his fuzzy hand. “Nice shirt.”
“Do you like it?” He asked ebulliently. “It is an original. Oh, hello, I am JoJo. Welcome to my Earth Emporium.”
“Hey, bear dude,” Tempest said with a smirk. “Sweet place you have here.”
“Oh, oh, oh my, I am so glad you like it,” he bounced up and down excitedly. “I have some brand new additions over here. Come. Come.”