“What's that?”
My hands toyed with the flashlight I'd bought, flicking it on. I felt naked without Tessa's lantern. “If it was always the sylph, that means that creature... and Tessa...” Could that creature be my grandfather? How is it even possible?
He said nothing at first. Then, those watery eyes found mine. “Yes. We were all shocked when she turned out to be pregnant.”
Grault was scared of me calling him a monster, when all along, I'm part of one myself. Did my mother know who her dad was? I chuckled, not bothering to explain why. “I wonder if creatures like that can love back, if they have hearts.”
“Every living thing has a heart.”
Dirk sounded so sure, it caught me off guard. “How can you say that, with how you felt for her?”
His shrug was quick, tight. “It would hurt more to imagine she loved something that didn't love her back.”
Shining the light on the tracks, I climbed down. “You might be right, I think. I hope you are. It would be a sad story otherwise.” Before I got far, he jumped down next to me. The hug crushed my air out, left me dizzy and smiling.
“Farra,” he said, holding me at arms length. “I told you before, you don't need to go to that house. You can always leave, wait for a train out of here, just go.”
I hugged him even harder than he had me. The storm was at my back, and Dirk was bathed in the warm light of the town. “Thanks, you've helped me so much.”
“Farra—”
“I have to do this,” I said, turning my light towards the blizzard. “I am the caretaker, after all.”
With the beacon guiding me, I walked off into the chilly night.
Chapter Nineteen.
It was a brutal trip.
I could not have said how long I walked. In the black hole of the storm, surrounded in the painful caress of ice, time had no meaning.
Starting out on the tracks had been a good decision. The snow didn't begin to slope into an amorphous blob until I glimpsed the shape of buildings.
Barrow Village was unrecognizable. The empty homes and businesses sank my stomach. Nothing lived there, just the song of the wind wavering between the structures.
Hunkering my head low, I climbed across the snow drifts and into the hills. It hadn't occurred to me that I would have trouble finding my house. But, the snow was so deep the path was invisible.
I walked on top, grateful for the snowshoes that carried me like a boat on water. My flashlight was useless. The beam extended a few feet in front of me, eaten by the confetti of white.
The extra layers I wore did nothing for me either. Frost cut through to my bone, moving me from cold, to stiff and numb. I can't feel anything, will I lose my fingers and toes from this?
Shielding my eyes, I walked faster.
I can't see anything! I don't know if this is the right way. Everything looks the same out here.
Icy wind yanked at my face mask, threatening to steal the air from my lungs. Every sign was telling me to turn around. I wasn't positive that turning around wouldn't leave me even more lost.
Just keep going, just keep going... My shoe caught against my ankle, sending me stumbling. The brief shout died, the storm eating the sound ravenously. My flashlight smashed hard, light sputtering into darkness.
On my knees, gloves buried in the snow, I felt the only heat inside of me. It came from behind my eyes.
I won't cry. I can't. There's no time, it's a useless gesture. Who would cry for me if I died in the snow? Grault, I thought, hugging myself hard. He'd think it was his fault. And Dirk, he would curse himself because he didn't try and stop me.
I shivered under the smothering touch of another gust of snow. If I die, it'll be the end of Tessa's bloodline. They made it sound like that mattered. That it was me, ME, who needed to come out here. Like I was important.
Magical.
And here I am, I thought bitterly, sitting in the snow, trying to get back to a broken house. It isn't even a home for revenants, now, never mind me.
What the hell am I trying to do?
My mom, my grandmother, people I had either not known at all or known so little it felt the same. I was trying so desperately to live up to what was expected of me. Mom hid me from this. I think I know why, now. I get it. That house and that world are scary, how could any kid be expected to handle it?
Grunting, I pushed myself to my feet. My body ached, screaming at me not to keep going. I ignored it and pushed on.
I'm not wise or magical like Tessa. But I'm not a child, either. I'm not scared, I can't be scared.
I had too much that I needed to fix.
In the distance, I thought I caught a flicker of orange. The sight gave me pause... until it came again. Light was throbbing every few seconds, my heart's rhythm soon becoming much faster.
I couldn't run, the shoes were too big. It was a struggle not to trip again.
Losing sight of the light for a moment, I rounded a particularly big swell of snow. Before I even saw the house, I expected it to be there. My gut knew I'd passed the hill, the spot I'd stood with Dirk in heavy shadow, listened as he'd told me about how he'd known I would choose to stay.
How funny that he knew, even when he's tried to talk me out of it twice.
Turning the corner, I gazed up at the layers of thick snow on the house. Whatever light I'd seen didn't return, but my mind was elsewhere. I need to get inside, but this snow is impossible!
Climbing the slope that touched the front windows, I debated trying to break in. Feeling the glass, hoping my glove didn't stick, the house vibrated. Startled, I began to pull away.
Wait, I thought, excitement growing. Steeling my nerves, I touched the window again. This house is alive. It saved me before. Maybe... maybe it can help me now. “Please,” I whispered, thinking my voice was too soft to hear. “Please let me in, I need to get back inside.”
Instantly the window opened inwards. Eagerly I slid through, a pile of snow following me. “Thank you! Thank you so, so much.”
Closing the glass tightly, I faced the silent room. Pure blackness welcomed me. My eyes tried to adjust to the dark, but it was too much. There was no light anywhere, the house was soaked in shadows.
A flicker of fear grew in me. “Grault?” Peeling off the snow shoes, I wielded one like a club. “Grault, are you here?” Calm down, of course he's here. Where else would he be?
Inching forward, I felt in front of me carefully. Should I go upstairs to his room? Would he be there? Maybe he's outside, patrolling still. Yeah, that makes sense. The sickening pit burrowing in me told me something was wrong.
I was going to go down the hall towards the stairs. Before I could turn down it, gold light bounced from my left. Stunned, I spun around to squint into the shadows. What was that?
It didn't come again. It didn't need to. My intuition was buzzing, feet already walking. It has to be Grault with the lantern! He must be in the garden! I guided myself along the wall in the dark, chest growing tight. I wanted to see—no, I needed to see—Grault. I wanted him to know I was okay, to realize how strong I was. I imagined I'd chide him for trying to do everything alone, for abandoning me when he thought he was saving me.
With a helpless grin, I turned towards the orange glow in the greenhouse. It was in Grault's lap where he sat on the bridge. “Grault! There you are, I'm back, look, I... Grault?”
In the glow, his rock skin looked darker than usual. All too suddenly, I knew what I was seeing. The snowshoe fell from my hands. “Oh, god, no!” Rushing over the grass, I dropped down hard in front of him.
The man I loved was sitting with his legs crossed, curled around the lamp protectively. I realized his body was stone, even before I tore my gloves off and touched him. I still had to feel it to convince myself.
His wings were folded above, fanned forward like a half-open umbrella. Kneeling under them, I crouched in his shadow. “Grault, no! No no no... how is this possible? I don't understand!”
Touching the lantern
, I felt the warmth on my numb fingers. It returned feeling there, but it was no true comfort. “You have the lantern,” I argued to no one. “You had it here! How are you stone? How could this have happened?”
Tears blurred my vision, so I wrenched off the face mask and threw it aside. Rubbing my skin was pointless, the salty rivers wouldn't stop. I'm finally crying in front of you, I thought morosely, and you can't even comfort me.
Looking into his face, I marveled at how fragile his eyelashes looked. He'd shut his eyes, something that I was indebted to. I didn't think I could handle the sight of his dead irises. “Grault, please turn back. Please, oh god, I'm right here... I'm right... why wasn't I here to help? I could have done—I could have helped you!”
“I suspect,” Qui'nxious said beside me, “that if you were here, he would still be stone, Farra Blooms. Yes.”
Turning only enough to glance at the revenant, I sniffled loudly. “You know what happened, don't you?”
He came to stand over us, blue fingers brushing down Grault's wing. “I know now, yes. It's as I warned.”
“Tell me,” I whispered. “He had the lantern, the house lost nothing, no magic, why is he like this?”
“Too many days without sunlight. He felt the change come upon him, he came here in the hopes that the sun might shine above to give him strength. It will never do that, as you know. As he must have known.”
I reached down, gripping the gargoyle's forearm. “So his oath to protect didn't trump that, he still just became stone.”
“Oaths are strange things,” the revenant said patiently. “Perhaps he was supposed to protect the magic. Or maybe he changed what he was protecting without realizing. An easy mistake, all things considered, yes.”
“Me,” I said in disbelief, “he was supposed to protect me, wasn't he?” I recalled, as from a dream, Grault's words the night I slept in the kitchen beside him. He said he would protect me.
My memory of Tessa's letter blossomed in my brain. 'There is magic inside all of us. You only need to look close, to believe in it, and it will be there when you're ready.' “He thought he was saving me when he took me from here,” I said, shaking my head. Twisting around, I looked into Grault's frozen face. “He thought he was helping. Oh, Grault, you were trying so hard.” I thought I might cry again, so I inhaled deeply. “Now what? He's gone, the revenants are gone, that sylph will come and be able to take the lantern now. Won't it?”
“It will,” he nodded. “There is nothing more to do here, Farra Blooms. This house will become nothing without its guests, without magic.”
If that's true, I thought in growing distaste, it's like saying I'm nothing. That I was always nothing, just because I have no magic. Looking down at the lantern, my frown spread. “I'm not sure what you're saying is right.”
Qui'nxious swayed to one side. “Oh?”
Leaning up, I pressed my lips to the cold marble that had once been Grault. It reminded me of how soft his mouth used to be. Now, it was lifeless. “The house let me inside. That must mean something. It has to mean something.” Lifting the lantern, its weight comfortable, I looked at the thin black creature. “This place is alive, right?”
His beak swung low, heavy with thoughts I couldn't even guess at. “It is, yes.”
I nodded quickly, listening to the building shift. “Everything that lives has a heart.” Dirk must be right, he has to be right. “I feel like, if I find it, I can understand something.”
“Understand what, Farra Blooms?”
“Where the magic here really comes from,” I said. “And I... I think it was trying to show that to me, once.”
“What do you mean?”
The lantern hung at my side, swinging gently. I was already heading for the hallway. “I can't explain it,” I admitted. “I feel like the house has been talking to me from the start.”
Those dreams, they were the same every night... and the time I was lost, exploring, and I could only find that small door. The memory made sweat roll down my spine. I was tempted to shed my jacket.
How do I find a room that doesn't exist? I wondered, looking around the hallway. It ended nearby, the other way going to the main entry. My orange light made things spooky, the occasional tremble of the walls not helping.
“I need that room,” I whispered, spinning in a slow circle. “You showed it to me before, I'm sorry I ran away. But right now, I really need to find it. So please... please...”
Everything looked like it was melting, stretching out for miles. My stomach dropped down low, then flew into my mouth. Biting back the taste of bile, my anxiety started to take control.
When the tiny door appeared, I thought I could scream. I'd wanted this, I knew that, but to actually face something that horrified me so much was a different animal.
The lantern shook, light twitching around from my nerves. Calm down, calm down! The small door was only knee height. I knew I'd need to crawl inside of it.
Bending over, I held my guts. It took great effort to make myself breathe. You have to do this, you don't know why, sure, but you know there's a reason the house showed this to you!
Peeling my jacket off, my sweater, I gasped rapidly. My throat wasn't letting enough air in, making me dizzy.
Once more, the structure around me shook. You're telling me to hurry, aren't you? It was funny. Not so long ago, I had denied the existence of magic, of any of this. Now I was asking a house for help.
Dropping to my knees, I allowed myself to smile. “It's possible I've gone crazy, isn't it?” I asked out loud, reaching for the door knob. It was cold, it opened too easily for my liking.
Extending the lantern in front of me, I looked down a dark tunnel. It was a mouth with no teeth, so low I'd have to crawl on my belly.
Each movement I made was the hardest. Every inch I scraped, every breath I took, the moment my feet pulled in behind me into that tunnel... it was always harder.
I can do this, I can do this. I thought of Vibbs, his kind words and claims that small spaces were not scary. The way he'd glowed so warmly, vanishing with a smile.
Hissing through clenched teeth, I broke through into a new room. Nauseous, I sat on the floor, head hanging low. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale... Raising my eyes, I saw what was on the walls.
Photos were stuck like wallpaper, drawings clearly made by a child. They were of a little girl, a dog colored in bright yellow crayon. Every photograph was of Tessa, or Bizzy, from a young age up to her teens. It was a special place, I knew it before I even saw the thing in the corner.
Orange as my lantern, it looked nothing like a dog... and yet, I knew.
I knew it was Bizzy.
Scooting forward, I approached cautiously. It was laying down, but it looked my way, not seeming surprised. What it had for a tail, a blob of energy, gave a wag.
“Hi,” I croaked, sadness washing through me. “Hi, Bizzy.”
It crawled into my lap, head touching Tessa's lantern. An explosion of sunset colors, I covered my eyes with a shout. It was too bright, everything so bright.
Cracking my lids, I squinted out at a sight that chilled me. I saw myself, nude from at least the waist up, swimming in a familiar lake. Beside me (how could it be me?) was a silvery man, long hair flowing behind him like a cape. I loved Grault, but seeing that figure, I couldn't deny he was unearthly attractive.
Pure white eyes gazed at me... No, I caught myself, glancing down at my feet. That's not me. That—that's Tessa! Covering my mouth, I looked on the scene in astonishment.
If that was Tessa, her body cutting through the water like she'd been born there, then the man with her could only be one person.
The sylph, I told myself, hardly able to allow the thought inside. It was lovely, if lovely was a strong enough word.
The two of them swam together, a unison as natural as sun and sky. Seeing them entangled made me blush. This was a private moment, one entirely not meant for me.
“I have a secret,” I (no, Tessa, it is Tessa) said t
o the man. “Tonight, I only meant to kiss you again. No more.”
The sylph's voice made my knees weak. I was sure Tessa was feeling it worse. “Did you, my dear? Do you regret what we have done?”
Her smile was coy, she splashed him lightly. “Never. It was wonderful, as wonderful as I ever could have imagined, Noaginath.”
Noaginath. I never even thought it—he—had a name. How stupid of me.
“Truly?” he asked, tracing fingers that reminded me of liquid diamonds down her cheek.
In response, she leaned up in the water to kiss him softly. “Truly. But the reason I visited tonight was to prove a point to a friend,” she chuckled. “He thought I was lying about you.”
“Jealousy,” he purred, scooping her into his arms. “I have seen the boy, I know how he looks at you. Do you wish him over me?”
“Of course not.” There was a flicker in her eyes, a look I knew I had made before. Sorrow, pure sorrow. “He's a good friend, but I love you. I've only ever loved you.”
She meant it, she loved him. The knowledge brought a pressure behind my eyes. It hurt, seeing this and knowing the future.
Noaginath stroked a hand between her breasts. I darted my eyes away with a fierce blush. I couldn't block his voice, though. “Good. You will not miss him, then.”
“I—miss him?”
Blinking, I looked back with mounting confusion.
“My dear,” he whispered, just loud enough for me to hear as I floated over the water nearby, “sylphs mate for life. You, and our child, will become sylphs with me. We'll live forever, together.”
Tessa gasped, unable to pull away from his strong arms. “A child? I'm not ready for that, I can't—no, abandoning my friends, my family, it's too much. It's too soon!”
“Tessa,” he said, mouth going thin, “you're pregnant now. You said you didn't regret what we did tonight.”
“I didn't know that—this—how can you be so sure?”
His smile was kind, even so, it left me unsettled. His arm dipped, I suspected he was palming her stomach in the cool lake. “That is how it is with sylphs. Male or female, our fertility is unquestionable.”
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