He pulled me tight against him and whispered in my ear, “I love you, Sydney.” My heart seized in my chest.
“Wait. What did you say?”
He pulled slowly back from me, so we were face to face. He looked deeply into my eyes and caressed my cheek.
“I said I love you, Sydney. Never have I felt so deeply for someone. I’ve waited for what feels like an eternity to find you. I think it has always been you I was holding out for. It’s like I knew we were supposed to be together.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. I knew deep inside my soul I was falling for this man. I had wanted to tell him I loved him earlier, but hearing him actually say it out loud suddenly made me nervous. Everything was happening so fast. He was living with me already, and we had only just met. I had actually, only moments before, been thinking of having his child. The words should have come easily to me. I wanted to say them. I wanted him to hear them. I just couldn’t bring myself to utter them to his waiting ears. I realized I just wasn’t ready yet. Especially with our recent disagreements thrown into the mix. My mouth hung open. I tried to kiss him but he pulled away.
“Sydney, you’re not feeling the same way. You don’t love me.” His face was suddenly tortured, as though I had ripped his heart right out of his chest.
“Aiden, it’s not that I’m not feeling something so insanely far-reaching within my soul for you. I am. I can tell you that with more confidence than you could imagine. When I say those words to someone, to you, there’s no turning back. It has to be forever.”
“You don’t see forever with me?”
“I’ve thought about it. I’ve been thinking about it every single second since I met you. But those words, when I say them, I need to be one hundred percent sure. I want to know this is going to last. Those words are final. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You have no concept of how true what you’re expressing is. They are final. For me, they have never been uttered to another woman before you.”
“You … you’ve never told anyone else you loved them? You’ve never loved anyone before?” His statement made me realize I was right in my decision not to respond in kind.
“No, Sydney. Not like this. You are my entire reason for existing at this very moment in time.”
His words. What was I doing? This man just returned from war, and I had scooped him up and brought him into my own little world where he existed only for me. How could I have done this? I had completely failed him. I was supposed to help him get his life back. Instead I stole it for my own. I pushed him off of me and scrambled to my feet.
“Sydney, where are you going? What are you doing?” He was panicking.
“I think you need to go. I think I’ve made a huge mistake.”
“Please. Don’t say that. You have no idea the effect your words will have on me. Please, Sydney, don’t do this,” he begged.
“I’ll call Cheryl. I’ll get her friend Joe’s address. You’ll be better off there. We can still see each other, but we’ll take things slower. I don’t want you gone from my life. It’s just that we fell into this relationship. It was forced. We both pushed what we have right now, and that’s not what you need. You don’t need me. You need to live your life and if I’m meant to be a part of it, then so be it.”
“Sydney, no. Please, Baby. I haven’t forced my feelings for you. I fell in love with you the moment I met you. I can’t live without you.”
“You just said it. You said you exist only for me right at this very moment in time. But you need to exist for yourself or what we have between us will never survive. I can’t only have this moment in time. I’d fall apart if you ever changed your mind or took those words back. It really has to be forever for me, too. “
“And it does for me, too. It is already. My forever only exists if you’re part of it.”
“No. You’re just lost. You need to find your way first. Aiden, please, this is the best thing for you. I’m going to go call a cab.” It killed me inside to push him away. It tore my very soul apart. I knew I was doing the best thing for him. He deserved it. He needed someone to do the right thing and look out for his wellbeing. That was my job and I had ignored every rule I put into place to help every other soldier returning.
“If you don’t want me here, I’ll leave. I would never go against your wishes. I’ll get my own ride. Sydney. But can I ask you one thing? Am I not worthy of your love?”
I couldn’t answer him. I was the unworthy one. The light left his eyes as I watched them fill with tears. He reached his hand out for me; I turned my back to him and left the room with my hand covering my mouth to stifle my soon-to-be blubbering. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him, or I wouldn’t let him leave. Not ever. I ran to my room, locked the door behind me and bawled my little eyes out as quietly as I could.
My heart hurt. Did I just make a huge mistake? We weren’t fighting. We were probably about to make love. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom to stop him. I didn’t want him to leave me. What had I been thinking?
I wanted him to have the best possible opportunities to acclimate back into life. I stopped, only to slump myself against the door and listen. I could hear his muffled cries through the bathroom door. It tore yet another piece of my heart out. It was heartbreaking to hear a man cry, and even more so to hear Aiden, because I knew how much I had just hurt him.
I wasn’t sure how long I had been listening to him, but soon I heard his footsteps walk down the hall to the stairs. Strange. It was probably one of the only times I heard him move about the house. Each step felt as though someone was plunging a dagger deeper into my heart. I tried to keep myself from running after him. But I had made this decision and had to stick with it. It was what was best for him. Maybe it was best for the both of us. When I finally heard the front door shut, the pain I already felt was unbearable.
Without actually realizing what I was doing, I pulled myself up and barreled down the hallway. I knew he couldn’t have gotten very far. I hadn’t even offered to drive him myself, only a ride in a cab from a stranger to take him to a place I didn’t even know myself. How cruel of me. There was no way it had gotten here already. What was wrong with me? I was pushing the best thing that ever happened to me out of my life.
I commanded every muscle in my body to push to the limit and, surprisingly did not crash down the stairs at my extreme pace. The door flung open and I rushed outside. There was no sight of him. He must have walked to the edge of the driveway to wait for his ride. I sprinted there as quickly as possible. I was out of breath, but forcing myself to move faster before I lost him, possibly forever
There was no one standing at the edge of my driveway. No cab could be seen. He had simply vanished.
I sank down to my knees, staring into the darkness, hyperventilating. The severity of what had just transpired jolted my entire being. I didn’t move for some time, hoping he would return to me. How could he just leave? He didn’t even try to stay with me or talk me out of my decision. It was as if my will was all that existed. How was I going to move forward without him? What had I done?
Chapter Thirteen: Sydney
All I wanted to do was to curl up into fetal position, cry, and wait for him. I thought about screaming out his name, but only my neighbors and possibly all the dogs within a ten-mile radius would hear me. After mustering all my strength, I finally was able to pull myself to my feet. It took everything I had. I trudged back towards my house. The closer I got, the emptier it seemed. It was now only a hollow house, void of anything but emptiness. That was also a perfect description of what I felt in the cavity of my chest right now. I was afraid my heart no longer existed.
The house was so silent as I stepped through the doorway, almost like walking into a cemetery in the middle of the night. He was gone. I had thrown him away. What had I done? What had I done? I could only repeat the words over and over in my head.
I found it hard to breathe. I was suffocating in my own desperation. He hadn’t been gone for mor
e than an hour and it was already unendurable. How was I going to survive this?
I lay down, sobbing uncontrollably on and off for the entire night. I never left the couch except to search for some little part of him he might have left behind. I even tried smelling the throw pillows that surrounded me, just to experience his scent. But there was nothing left. He was gone, along with every single trace, as though he had never existed. His absence burned through my entire body. He was truly gone.
Even the slightest noise prompted me to jump to my feet to run to the window and check to see if he had returned. After the tenth time, I realized he wasn’t coming back. Maybe he was giving me space for the night to think everything over. I’m sure he would call me in the morning. If I didn’t hear from him first, I would call him. Hell, I wanted to hear his voice now. I wanted to hear his voice so badly I could taste it. I wanted to tell him how I thought I made a mistake. How I knew I had made a huge mistake. I was going to call him and tell him so. Tell him to come back to me.
I rummaged through everything on the top of my desk to locate his paperwork. I thumbed through looking for any contact number I could find. There was nothing there. Oh my God, I had no way to reach him. There were no family or friends listed with whom to leave a message. There was no address, email or mobile number. I had lost complete contact with him. I could only hope and pray for him to come back to me. The futility of my search brought a whole new level of darkness to my world.
No sleep came to me that evening. I spent the entire time standing vigil, waiting for his return. Staring at the window for a light to let me know he was here with me. There were a few moments I swear I felt him touch my shoulder or caress my cheek. The house seemed so cold without his presence. Again I was reminded of a cemetery. It all felt so final.
The weather had changed drastically. I could hear the rain pelting the roof and windows. I could feel the cold dampness through my clothing right to my skin. I shivered, but made no move to grab a blanket. I wanted to suffer. I needed to pay for what I had done to Aiden and to myself. It was all my own self-doing. I had ruined everything. I’m sure God would let me stay in the hell I had created for the rest of my life. I sunk deeper and deeper into darkness.
“Well, you totally fucked up, Sydney. I see you’re talking to yourself now. Know why that is? Because you just ensured you’ll always be alone. You sealed your own fate with this one. There’s no one to listen to your pitiful ramblings anymore. You sent him away. Not only was Aiden hot as all fuck, but he loved you. He told you he loved you and what was your response? You looked away and turned your back on him. How cruel can you be, Sydney? You made a soldier cry. I don’t even want to be with you right now. I wish I could make you leave and bring Aiden back. You will be alone forever. Hope you can deal with that.”
Yep, there it was. I was going to be old, crazy spinster Auntie Nini, who sat in her lonely empty house talking to herself. I bet Gina and Cheryl wouldn’t even want me near their children if they knew who I really was.
I knew that being sleep deprived was really not helping my disposition much. I needed to get out of this house. I didn’t want to be alone right now. I needed to go to see the girls. They were all I had left in this world. I could only hope they would have me.
Chapter Fourteen: Cheryl
I stood in front of the door to their apartment, wondering if it was too late or too early to knock. I felt as though I was being pushed towards the door and it was creeping me out, so I finally mustered enough strength to knock on it. Within seconds, Cheryl was standing in front of me.
“Are you all right? You look like shit! Have you been crying? Do you have any idea what time it is?” She threw it all at me in one breath, arms crossed over her chest, looking like I had woken her out of a deep sleep.
“I’m sorry. I’m a complete failure at everything I do.”
“Oh, babe, you need to get in here right now. I’m going to go wake Gina.” She recognized the urgency of my visit.
“No, let her rest. She’s with child,” I told her sternly.
“She’s only a month, she’ll be fine. I think this is more up her alley, don’t you? Sad, sobbing friends at the door at ungodly hours... so up her alley.”
“No, please. I need you right now.”
“Me? Why? What happened? Did the soldier boy leave you? I knew it was only a matter of time.”
“Yes. Aiden and I are over.”
“Did he hurt you? Did you get into a fight?” she quizzed.
“No, he didn’t hurt me and we didn’t get in a fight. He told me he loved me.”
“Are you kidding me? So you broke up with your less-than-a-week-long boyfriend because he told you he loved you? Is he at your house right now?” Her tone of voice was incredulous.
“No, I threw him out.”
“You told him to leave because he loves you? Did you say it back?” Now Cheryl sounded like Gina.
“No.”
“You seemed so happy with him. I know that’s not the advice I gave you. I told you to take it slow. I didn’t mean so slow you brought it to a screeching halt.”
I didn’t respond.
“I’m not sure I understand why you ended things. Tell me, it will make you feel better to say it out loud,” Cheryl coaxed.
“I failed him.”
“How did you fail him? You gave him a place to stay and all your attention, not to mention your affection.”
“It was selfish what I did. I didn’t help him. I made him my own personal case. I made him mine,” I explained.
“No, honey, you didn’t make him do that, he wanted to do that. It was his choice to get involved with you. He didn’t have to.”
“What if he felt obligated because I gave him a place to stay?” I said.
“Do you honestly believe that or do you believe he had real feelings for you?”
“I don’t know what to think anymore. I just know I failed him. I was supposed to help him first, not lure him into my bed.”
“And did you lure him into your bed?” she questioned.
“We never got that far.”
“Well, I guess that would have complicated this even more if you’d had sex with him.”
“I made a huge mistake! I miss him so much already. I hurt him so badly.”
“Then call him up and tell him you’re sorry. I’m sure if you just tell him how you’re feeling he’ll come back to at least talk things over.”
“I can’t,” I whined.
“Why the hell not?” Cheryl just couldn’t seem to comprehend how grave the situation was.
“I have no contact information on him. No phone. No previous addresses. No family or friends. No anything. It’s like he never existed.”
“I have something to say about all that, Syd, and you know it. But since it seems as though your heart has taken enough beating today, I’m going to bite my tongue.”
“Thanks. But I deserve to have someone lash out at me.”
“I’m not going to bitch at you, honey. You should know better than that. Listen, you probably already know I think you made the right decision. Just because you told him to leave your house, doesn’t mean he has to leave your life, right? This will give you both a chance to move at a slower pace and make sure the feelings you have for one another are real.”
“I hurt him. I might as well have just spit in his face. If I were him, I’d never come back.” I sulked.
“I’m sure it’s not as bad as it seems. Why don’t you stay here tonight, huh? Or at least what’s left of it. You need to get some rest. I bet after a good night’s rest, tomorrow you’ll have a whole new outlook and things won’t seem as dismal. And anyway, I’m feeling cautious about letting you drive. You have deep circles under your eyes. You look like you’re strung out, and I’m afraid you’ll fall asleep while driving home,” she said, her concern showing.
“No chance of me falling asleep at the wheel because I don’t think I can sleep at all. What if he calls? I won’t be there. I
need to be there if he calls me. What if he thinks I’m just not answering the phone or the door, trying to avoid him? He’ll leave for good then. No, I need to go home.”
I could hear the panic in my voice, so I was sure Cheryl was starting to worry about my present mental condition. I put my hands over my face and began to sob. She put her hand on my shoulder to comfort me. I knew she felt terrible for me, and this was her best effort at comforting me. She was right about Gina being the one to run to.
“You need to chill, babe. I’m going to see if Gina has anything to help you relax. She can’t take any of it anymore, so it might as well do someone some good.”
“Please, don’t leave me, Cher,” I cried, as I grabbed her arm and held on for dear life.
“I’m only going to the next room, Sydney. There’s only one doorway and its right there in front of you, so no sneaking out on you. I promise. I’m just not sure if I should bring you something to knock you out, space you out, or get you drunk. Maybe drunk isn’t the right way to go here. You’re an emotional drunk to begin with, especially when you’re in a mood, and this is definitely one those moods.”
“I don’t want anything. I need to feel the rawness of the pain, so I know how I made him feel tonight. I deserve to feel like the piece of shit that I am.” I gesticulated all the hand motions to match my words by faux ripping my heart out of my chest and throwing it to the floor and stamping on it.
“Holy hell, melodramatic much? Christ, Sydney. I’m telling you, it’s all a misunderstanding. He’s going to be waiting on your doorstep, flowers in tow, admitting this was entirely his fault. I promise.”
“You can’t promise. You don’t know. You hate him, anyway. You want him to be gone.”
“I don’t even know him, hun. That is and has always been my greatest concern. I told you this was all happening way too fast. Neither of you knew anything about each other. Here we are, not even a week later and he’s gone. Was I wrong?”
The Purple Heart Page 9