The phone rang and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I waited to make sure it wasn’t a figment of my imagination. It rang again. It sounded out of place, almost surreal. I jumped up and literally dove for it, praying it was Aiden. Hoping it wouldn’t stop ringing before I could get to it. My aching hand was temporarily forgotten.
“Hello?”
No one replied. I could hear a strange noise in the background, but I couldn’t quite place it. White noise? Did white noise even exist anymore with the age of digital we presently lived in?
“Aiden? Is that you?” I questioned, and then under my breath, “Please say something. Please be Aiden. Please. Please say something, anything.” There was no response. I was reminded of my dream and Aiden’s lack of response there, too.
The phone line went dead and the house returned to deafening silence. Was my existence destined to be bleak? I somberly placed the receiver back on the base, and decided I’d better attend to my hand. The towel was quickly becoming saturated with blood. I probably needed stitches. I’d decide once I cleaned the wound and could evaluate it better. I still had my nursing kit on the shelf in the closet, so maybe I’d just do it myself. It wasn’t likely I’d be taking a trip to the hospital. Could this day get any worse? I bit my tongue after I said it. I probably just jinxed myself.
The upstairs bathroom had the best lighting, so I headed in that direction. Something was happening outside, but I couldn’t tell if it was rain or wind. I peered out the front window. Rain. Yes, the day just got much drearier.
When I unwrapped my hand, the blood continued to flow freely from the gash. I ran lukewarm water over it and tried to gauge the depth. I had done a pretty good job on myself. Maybe I should have been doing covert missions on my tours. I was apparently deadly with a knife. Had I actually been trying, I could have done some major nerve damage.
I grabbed disinfectant and triple antibiotic cream, cleaned it up, and began working on steri-stripping it closed. Not an easy task to conquer using only one hand, which is why I had opted not to stitch it myself.
When I thought it was adequately done, I bandaged it back up and sat down on the bowl. From this vantage point I could see Aiden’s empty room. It was completely dark except the pinpoint light shining from the bathroom, which caused an arrow effect right to his bed.
“Well, Aiden, if you had just made love to me, we’d probably still be in bed right now. But no, you had to go and tell me you loved me. I’d do anything to hear you say those words to me again right now.” Again I found myself talking to no one, although I swear I had seen movement in his room from my peripheral vision.
Where was he? Who was he with? Was he thinking about me? I had no idea what the answer to any of those questions might be and they kept running through my head over and over again.
“Aiden, you said you loved me, yet you left me so easily. Where are you?” I screamed out to my non-existent roommate. My voice boomed through the empty house. It was now a cemetery and I was the widow, forgotten by everyone.
Chapter Seventeen: Gina
I was still sitting in the bathroom, probably for hours, when I heard a knock on my front door.
“Aiden, you came back.” I flew down the stairs and flung open the door only to find Gina and a bottle of wine waiting for me.
“I won’t be insulted that you don’t look happy to see me. I’m guessing you thought I might be someone else?”
“Oh no, honey, I’m always happy to see you. How are you feeling, Momma? Come on in.”
“Apparently a lot better than you,” she said, gently taking a hold of my injured hand. “Trying to end it all but missed?” she said.
“Not really, but thanks for the idea.”
“Oh stop it. See, that’s exactly why I told Cheryl I needed to come over today.”
“Don’t you have classes?” I certainly didn’t want her missing work on my behalf. I wasn’t worth it.
“Don’t you worry your dispirited little head about it. I have one of my other teachers covering for me. You’re what’s important right now. I can’t have the Godmother of my child a wistful mess and sitting here desolate all day, now can I?” Gina tossed in my direction.
“Godmother?” I said excitedly.
“Of course, Sweetie. Who else would we want to be the Godmother? There’s only one choice and it’s you.”
“Well, no one else seems to want me.” It didn’t take long for my depressed attitude to return.
“And again, stop it. Cher warned me you were all about the drama today. Here, I brought you this to take the edge off. We’re going to sit and work this all out. Okay?” she exclaimed.
“But you can’t drink,” I scolded her.
“It’s not for me, honey, it’s for you, the whole bottle. From what I can tell after only a few minutes, I should have brought a whole damn case with me. Now inside, get a glass, and meet me on the couch!”
I did as she commanded and sat down on the couch with glass in hand. She already had the bottle open and waiting, and began to fill my glass to the rim.
“Okay. Take a deep breath, a large sip, and spill it. All of it,” she demanded.
“Everything is a fucking mess. I really screwed things up. I doubted him. He told me he loved me and I didn’t say anything back. I told him to leave. He reached for me and I turned my back on him. I made him cry. I suck! I’m the suckiest person I know. Now I don’t have any way to reach him. I have no idea where he is or who he’s with. I deserve to live alone in hell,” I rambled.
“Good. Get it all out there. Feel any better?”
“Are you fucking serious?” I just glared at her. Her warm smile spread across her face and she giggled.
“No. I was only kidding. I know you don’t feel better. We haven’t solved anything yet. But at least you put it all out there on the table. I know exactly what I need to ask you to help.” Her voice was soft and cheerful, as usual.
“There’s no way to solve this. I have no way to find him,” I told her.
“Let’s start at the beginning. Yes, everything is a fucking mess. I have to say fucking because soon there’ll be a governor on my cursing and I need to get it all out of my system. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity. Fuck. Fuck. Now how is it that you feel you screwed things up?” I just kind of stared at her in disbelief. I had never heard Gina sound like a truck driver before.
“Did you hear a thing I said after that?” I asked.
“Drink. Yes, I did. You doubted him. Why?” I did as I was told and took a drink.
“Well, Cheryl kept telling me all these things and I started to think about them and realized she was right,” I conceded.
“Well that was your first mistake. It’s one thing to listen to someone else’s advice, but it’s ultimately up to you to make the decision of what to do with it. You didn’t have to react to what she said. All you needed to do was take it into account, think about it and assess. Did you assess?”
“Yes. I …”
“No, you didn’t,” she interrupted,” You reacted. Don’t lie to me.” She waved her index finger in my face.
“Shit. I feel bad for your kid. You’re one tough cookie and that child isn’t going to get away with anything.”
“No, I’m just blunt. I say what I think whether you like it or not. Don’t ask my opinion if you don’t want to hear it or the truth. I will always be nothing but honest with you. Now, did you assess?” she questioned again.
“No. I just got … scared.”
“Now we’re making some progress. Drink. Do you really think deep down inside what Cheryl said was true? ‘Cause you know, you can’t lie to yourself. You always know it’s a lie.”
“No. I thought he was the most perfect man I had ever met and things between us were so easy.” I took a gulp of my wine.
“So if you felt that, and you weren’t lying to yourself about it, it must be true. Right?”
“But what if he ended up being what Cheryl said?” I questioned her this time.
“
If no red flags jumped out, then I think you need to go with your own gut, not someone else’s. She never even met him. She was being protective of you. You’re not a big dater, so we’re not used to you being with a guy. Plus you fell so fast. However, in life, you need to take risks, right? So if things felt right for you, then you just should have gone with your gut instinct. Drink. I suggest that’s the way you go from now on. Heed other people’s words, don’t live by them.”
“Thanks, Gina. That actually makes a lot of sense. I take it back. You’re going to have the best advice for your kids. You’re going to be one fuckawesome mom.”
“Thanks, love. Now on to the next point. You said he told you he loved you and you didn’t respond in kind. Is that about right?”
“Yes.” I ran my finger over the rim of my crystal glass very quickly, trying to make it sing. Occasionally I would swirl it around and watch it form legs on the glass.
“Why didn’t you say it back?” she challenged.
“I started to think about how I was supposed to be helping him and not seducing him.”
“Nonsense. You can’t help how you feel. Obviously he felt the same way or he wouldn’t have said those words. So do you love him?”
“Yes. I love him. I love him so much. I even thought about having his child.”
“Then what’s the problem? If you feel it, you say it. Drink. So next time we see him, what are we going to tell him?”
“There won’t be a next time.” I finished the glass off and Gina immediately refilled it.
“Nonsense. You don’t tell someone you love him or her, and then never make an effort to win them back. He’s either giving you space to think things over or he’s letting you see how much you miss him. Guys are weird like that. So next time we see him, what are we going to tell him?”
“If I ever see him again, I’m going to tell him how much I love him.”
“We’re making huge strides. Drink. Now, you told him to leave. Why in hell would you do that?” Her voice was stern.
“I didn’t want him to leave forever. I meant he should go stay somewhere else so we could see if what we had was real and not being forced. I thought being here with me all the time was just skewing his perspective.”
“You don’t have the right to tell someone how to think or what to feel. And you certainly can’t decide what would be best for him without asking him. Am I wrong?”
“No.”
“Okay, so we don’t make decisions for other people because we think it’s the best thing for us. We find out if it’s the best thing for them, too. We didn’t do that, did we?” The stern mother voice was still being slung in my direction.
“No.”
“Then don’t do that ever again. Drink.”
“You do want me to be able to comprehend what you’re telling me, right? I keep drinking like this and I’ll be passed out on the floor at the rate you’ve got me going.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s wine, not tequila.” She shook her head and rolled her eyes at me and then waited for me to sip the wine. I downed the whole glass and gave her a smug smile. She smiled sweetly back and refilled my glass to the top.
“Drink. On to the next point. He reached out for you and you turned your back on him. Really, Sydney? That’s just terrible.”
“Thanks, now I feel so much better.”
“Again, ‘honest thing’ happening here. Why would you do that to any human being?”
“I don’t know what I was thinking. I just figured if I stayed a minute longer, or reached back, he wouldn’t have left. I was trying to make it easier on him.”
“It sounds like you were trying to make it easier on you. We don’t turn our backs on the people we care about. In fact, we don’t turn our backs on anyone, ever. Do you understand me, young lady? I’m serious here. That’s no way to treat another living thing.” Again, with the finger wagging.
“I’m a terrible human being.”
“Nope, just a selfish one. You turned your back to make things easier for you. Shame on you.”
I held my hand out so she could slap my wrist. We both stared at the bandage.
“Nope, I don’t need to. God already took care of it. What did you do, anyway?”
“I stabbed myself for thinking about eating.”
“Brilliant. I should keep you around to help me lose weight after the baby. Now where were we?”
“I made him cry,” I said flatly.
“Right. That’s a tough one. Hearing a man cry is heartbreaking. I can silver-line it, though. Men only cry when it really hits them deep down. So he must really have some serious feelings for you if losing you made him cry. Wow, Sydney, I think that says a lot right there about whether he’s genuine regarding his feelings for you. Don’t you agree?”
Right there was a flicker of light for me. Gina was right, Aiden had cried over possibly losing me. That alluded to the fact that he truly meant what he said. He loved me. I was slightly dumbfounded for a moment.
“I’m good at this, aren’t I? I mean, in your professional opinion.”
“Better than I am, and I do it for a living.”
“Stop putting yourself down. That reminds me, you do not suck, nor are you the suckiest person we know. You’re just confused and scared. Those two things together bring us down some stupid roads.”
“Stupid roads?”
“Sorry, I got carried away playing the part of a psychologist. Drink. I mean we make some really dumb decisions when we’re confused or scared. Put them together and you have a recipe for disaster. Doesn’t mean you can’t fix it. And that brings us to our final point. How are you going to fix this, Syd?”
“I can’t. I broke it.” Gina laughed quite loudly at that comment. I side-eyed her.
“It’s not broken. He loves you and you love him. Drink. It’s just a matter of talking things out.”
“There’s the money statement right there, because that’s a problem. There won’t be any talking it out because I can’t find him. I can’t call him. And he hasn’t come home.”
Aiden coming home. The words were burning into my brain with searing pain. This was where Aiden belonged, with me in this house. This was his home. Our home. I broke down and sobbed into my hands.
“There, there, hun. Tears aren’t going to do anything but give you puffy eyes. Can you call into the base and see if he checked in?
“No, they’ll fire me.”
“Look, there is another way, but you have to really have faith in it.”
“Pray? I’ve been praying he’ll come back since he left.” I looked down at the floor when I said it.
“No, you have to reach him on a different level. Call him with your heart.”
“What? Have you gone insane? Isn’t it too early for baby brain?
“I’m telling you, it works. Just go someplace that means something to both of you, like the first place you kissed or met. Then, just reach out to him with your heart and your mind. Make him feel you. Let him feel the pain you’re in without him. Make him feel the love you have for him. Make him feel how much you need him to come back to you,” she said confidently.
“I don’t know, Gina. I love your whimsical side, but telepathically call him? Are you being serious?”
“Yes. Blunt over here, remember? Just try it. It can’t hurt, can it?”
“No. I just … I don’t know if I can. I have no clue how to even start doing it.”
“You’ll do it once I’m not here. I know you will. Now I’m going to make you something to eat. Why don’t you take a nice long hot shower, or maybe even a bath, and get yourself together. Because believe me, if he does come back, you don’t want to look like you do right now.”
“Thanks a lot.”
She waved me off as she stood up, handed me the bottle and my glass, and then shooed me towards the stairs. I dragged myself up them and headed toward the shower. I looked in the mirror and realized she was one hundred percent correct. I looked like shit. My eyes had huge r
ed rings around them, which made me look like a strung-out, hooker raccoon. My skin seemed translucent, like a thin veil or mask covered it. If Aiden came home to find me looking like this, he might turn right back around and run screaming.
I hated to admit it, but Gina was a huge help. I wasn’t whining or wailing anymore. The depression still overtook me, but I had to believe that was normal.
I unwrapped my hand and stepped into the shower for a very long steamy time. The water seemed to help wash away the fatigue, at least. I opted for comfy clothing, putting on a pair of yoga pants and my Army sweatshirt. It made me feel closer to Aiden to be wearing it. Sometimes girls did silly things. I took a few minutes to blow out my hair and apply light makeup minus eyeliner. I even used waterproof mascara, knowing my tears weren’t done yet. Even with makeup on, I still looked drained and miserable. I re-bandaged my hand and took something for the pain.
Gina was waiting for me in the kitchen with grilled cheese, bacon, and tomato sandwiches, kettle chips, and a pot of coffee.
“Well, that helped some. At least you don’t resemble the walking dead anymore. I swear I thought you were going to eat my brains when I got here. Now sit and eat some food. It’s time to get some sustenance into you. I made coffee against my better judgment, because I think you could use a nap right now.”
Her sandwich was amazing. One of the best I’d had in a long time. I didn’t often allow myself to indulge in things like melted cheese or bacon. I was always trying to eat healthy and watch my weight.
It took me a long time to eat. I just wasn’t very hungry. Gina sat and ate with me, reminding me to take a bite every so often until the entire sandwich was gone.
“All right. We’ve worked things out. You’re not crying anymore. You’ve been fed and cleaned up. I think my work here is done. I’m going to head home and leave you to figure out how to find Aiden. You can go traditional or my way. The choice is yours. I’ll call later to check in on you. I’m going to come get you if you revert to your previous behavior. Do you understand me?”
The Purple Heart Page 11