by Lila Felix
I guess this was how my life was going to be for now on. Tears, empty carbs, and no imagination. No characters were talking to me. No storyline made sense. There was nothing in my brain but Brent’s sad eyes as he walked away from my cabin.
I took a shower because I couldn’t stand to see my hair greasy anymore or my smell. When I stepped out of the bathroom, I took a deep breath. I couldn’t live like this. I wouldn’t live like this. I put on my jeans and a light sweater, grabbed my keys and headed to my car.
I was going to get some fresh air.
I drove into town and hit the mall. Okay it wasn’t exactly fresh air, but I was out among those who walked. I went to several stores and ended up buying nothing. I stopped at the pretzel stand and doused it in cheese. I sat at one of the small tables and in an unladylike manner, I ate my delicious, gooey snack.
What has become of my life?
It was a question I played over and over in my head. I was twenty-eight and I should have some stability. However, there was nothing stable around me. Sure, I had a job I loved, but right now I couldn’t create a sentence or a story. I have a cabin I loved, but I didn’t want to be there either. It didn’t feel like home anymore.
Nothing felt right.
“Why do I have to go home?” I sighed as we cleaned the last horse’s stall.
“Because you live there.” Brent joked and spread out the hay. “It’ll be okay. I’ll only be gone for a week.”
“What’s the purpose of football camp anyway?”
He chuckled. “To learn the new plays, condition your body, and have fun.”
I rolled my eyes. “Fun? Football? I don’t get it.”
“Because you’re female.”
I gasped and whipped my head around. “Excuse me?”
“Hey, I’m only saying. You’re a girly-girl.” He held up his hands in defense, but the smile on his face told me he was just trying to get a rise out of me.
“I’m not a girly-girl.” I wanted to shout at him but didn’t want to scare the horses either. “Look at these boots.” I pointed to my feet. “That’s manure.”
“And?” He shrugs.
“Girly-girls, as you put it, don’t get dirty.”
“Oh they don’t?”
I growled in frustration and stomped away from him. The rain had begun to fall harder as I tried to run to the house. I heard him coming closer and I tried to pick up speed, but the mud was making it harder. I ended up tripping, but Brent caught me by my waist and together we fell into the mud pile, laughing.
“Are you dirty enough, country girl?” He rolled us around the mud and I tried to fight him, but I couldn’t because of my laughter.
“Yes. I am,” I finally managed to say.
Brent touched the tip of my nose with his muddy finger and I know it’s on my face even more. “You’re so beautiful.”
“You must have mud in your eyes.” I looked away from him.
“I don’t. I love you, Vivian, and I can’t wait to make you my wife someday.”
“Excuse me.”
An older woman touched my shoulder.
“Are you okay, dear?”
“What?” My head felt fuzzy from my daydream.
“You’re crying?” She nodded to my face.
I wiped my cheeks free of the saltiness. “Oh, yes, I’m fine.”
“You don’t seem to be, child.” She sat down across from me. Her silver hair shimmered under the skylight and her lipstick wasn’t lined up perfectly with her lips.
“I am really.”
She shook her head. “Those are tears of a broken heart.”
I said nothing.
“I had those tears long ago.”
“What happened?”
A sad smile crossed her face. “It was my true love. He and I grew up in a small farming town in Idaho. We were soul mates.”
“Then why the broken heart?”
Her eyes watered. “I had big dreams of traveling the world and going on these grand adventures. I left him. He was standing at the end of the driveway and I never looked back.”
My heart began to break for her because I understood her pain. “Did you ever go back to him?”
Slowly she shook her head. “I did not. I heard he married and bought a farm, which was exactly what he wanted to do.”
“And you traveled the world?”
“I traveled, yes, but it wasn’t much fun when there wasn’t someone to share it with. Now, I’m eighty-seven, childless, never married and live with my one regret.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried not to cry again.
“You should never have regrets in your life. You should have someone by your side.” She patted my hand, stood up and left.
It almost felt like a dream I just awoke from when I watched her limp away with the assistance of her cane. Did that happen? Or have I officially lost my mind? Nonetheless, her story touched me.
I didn’t want any regrets in my life. I had left Billings to find myself and I did. Didn’t I? I have my job, my health, my hus…
Brent.
He was no longer in my life. I’ve left him – twice.
I thought about the time on the ranch. We did have fun together and I was able to write, but he didn’t tell his family about us. Yes, he explained why, but it still hurt.
But he came for me?
I closed my eyes and remembered him saying he loved me. My broken heart was beating faster thinking about his words. Those words made me feel special, but I rarely said them back to him. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him, expressing it was difficult for me at times.
I opened my eyes and saw a couple walking toward me. The female, around my age, was leaning against the male. Her smile was full and bright as she gazed up at him. The love between them was clear to see.
I wanted that – with Brent.
I would not have any regrets in my life.
I tossed the rest of my food and drinks away and briskly walked to the closest jewelry store. I had a plan and it will work.
IN MY BOOKS, I would write about my characters being able to book a plane ticket in a blink of an eye and soaring off into the sunset. In reality, it took a bit longer and an extensive layover in Phoenix, of all places, to get me back to Texas. Not to mention the long line at the airport for a rental car. It could be the fact I was growing impatient because I wanted to get my plan in place.
My nerves were causing my hands to shake as I drove to Billings. I had it all planned out in my head, but I needed help for it to work, which meant I had to have help.
As I pulled into the driveway, I wasn’t sure how I was going to broach Pam about helping me in my plan. She still hated me. I saw the way she was looking at me at the barbecue. It wasn’t the same loving eyes I’d seen when I was a teenager baking or gardening with her. I took a deep breath, got out of the car, and knocked on the door.
“Vivian?” Pam’s shocked face made it clear I was the last person she was expecting to see on her front porch. “What are you doing here?”
“I know you don’t like me because of what happened between Brent and me and I know I’m not the best person for him, but I need your help.”
Her shocked expression changed to sadness. “Oh, sweet child.” She closed her eyes and I almost thought she was going to cry. “I don’t hate you. I was surprised to see you for sure. Brent was absolutely broken when you left the first time. As a mother, all I wanted to do was take the pain away for him. But this time you did a real number on him.”
“I know.” I nodded. “But I’m here to fix it.”
She furrowed her brow. “How? He’s worse now than I’ve ever seen him.”
The tears burned the back of my eyes knowing I’m the reason for the pain. “I need your help.”
MY LEG BOUNCED up and down in the car as I waited for Pam to text me. I told her my complete plan and she was thrilled to help. She even went shopping with me to gather up the items I needed.
Pam: We’re heading to
dinner. Key under the mat.
I shook out my hands to release the anxiety pulsing through me. This was a do or die moment for me. I was laying it all out on the line and I didn’t know the outcome. It wasn’t like in the books I wrote. I knew the outline because I created it.
I waited the allotted time and drove to the ranch. I grabbed the boxes and bags I needed to pull this off and headed into the house. The house seemed sadder since the last time I was here, and it had nothing to do with the overcast sky outside.
I began to make his favorite dessert...brownies. I double checked the timer to ensure they wouldn’t burn and then I headed into the living room. I placed the candles all around and then laid out the rose petals. Was I going overboard? Sure was, but this had to be special for Brent.
And for me.
I ensured my phone was attached to the Bluetooth speakers and the playlist I created was up and ready. I ran back to the kitchen and pulled the brownies out of the oven. They didn’t look burnt and I considered it a win. I cut them into squares and plated one for each of us.
I went back into the living room and began to light the candles. I shut off all the lights and basked in the dancing flames. I thought about writing out what I was going to say, but in the end, I figured I’d wing it. Hopefully, I wouldn’t cry too much.
Pam: We’re coming back.
I took several deep breaths and found my purse. I pulled out the ring I purchased at the mall back in Washington. Normally, the male would be the one to propose marriage, but this is the twenty-first century. I heard the key in the lock and I got down on one knee, holding the ring out. Luke Bryan’s “Do I” played softly in the background.
His footsteps were heavy as he came further into the house. There was no air in the room when he turned the corner. Through the glow of the candles, I could see his tired eyes but surprised look.
“Viv?”
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I cleared my throat and finally managed to say, “I’m a professional writer, but right now words are escaping me.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I have something to tell you. It’s important for you to listen to me and let me get through this.”
He nodded.
“You have saved me more times than I can count. I have looked up to you as my protector, my best friend, and my true love. I don’t use the word love a lot, you know this. However, with you, I want to say it all the time. When I left ten years ago, it was because I didn’t want to be some fat housewife, popping out babies every year. I had dreams and goals. Essentially, I had to find myself. During that time, I pushed everything away and focused on me. It was selfish and I hurt you. And for this I’m sorry.”
The tears began to come.
“No matter how I pushed the memories away, you always came back to me. If it wasn’t through my characters, it was my drive to get healthy and be myself.”
The first tear fell.
“You were there over and over again. When I saw you in Vegas, seeing you in the flesh reminded me of how much I relied on you through the years. You may not have been by my side holding my hand but you were right there. I can’t explain how we ended up deciding getting married was the greatest idea, but it was. I remember when you told me you were going to marry me. We were thirteen. You told me we would be on this ranch and building our life together.”
I wiped my cheeks.
“The reason I left this time was because you didn’t tell anyone we were together and it made me feel ashamed of myself again. You were the one person who I thought would never hurt me, but you did. I realize now it wasn’t intentional, but I’m hardheaded and it takes me a minute to catch up. I love you and I’m here now to ask you to marry me again. Even though I’m not sure who asked whom first.” I joked. “Let’s start our life together.”
Brent stared at me with his mouth dropped open. He was frozen in place and I thought he was about to say no. He stepped up to me and dropped down to his knees and cupped my face with his large, calloused hands.
“I have loved you since as far back as I can remember. There was no one else before you and there will never be anyone after you because you’re never leaving me again. You’re my world, Vivian Rush, and I’d be honored to be your husband.”
I slipped the ring on his finger, and I was ready to start my life with him.
Epilogue
Vivian
One year later
I CONTINUED TYPING as the words flowed through me. I’ve never been able to finish a book this fast, let alone three. Storyline after storyline kept popping into my head and I couldn’t stop writing.
“Vivian?” My mother knocked on the cabin door.
Brent had completely redone the cabin to make it my very own writing cave. There was a large desk, a top of the line computer, and all my bookshelves. Not to forget my Bluetooth speakers to enjoy all my music.
“Hang on.” I called out.
“Vivian,” Mom said more firmly.
I sighed as if I was a child. “Fine.” I rushed to finish my last thought and put it into the computer before I saved it. I hiked up my wedding dress as not to step on it. I checked my mirror to make sure I didn’t look too wrinkled.
“I’m coming in.” She finally announced and pushed open the door.
Since the day I asked Brent to marry me, we have spent almost every moment together. Even planning our wedding. I loved him and he loved me. We have spent many days riding the horses, rounding up the cattle, taking the cattle to auction, and lounging together.
Also, in the past year, I’ve reconnected with my parents. Mom and I have gone on weekly dinners, not including the parties we’ve hosted here at the ranch. Who would have thought hosting parties would be fun? Who would have thought I would like looking at Pinterest hoping for theme ideas? Brent just smiled at each suggestion and then would push the cart around the craft store.
I never thought of myself as a crafty person, but I wanted to create more than just words now. I wanted to create the world I had in my head. The one filled with happiness, love, and dreams. Real dreams of family and friends and a life.
I loved my life now.
Short of the dress and the suits, I had created everything. The centerpieces, my bouquet, the invitations, all of it. It was all made out of love and happiness. I feel like I have a whole new outlook on life. I wasn’t living before, but I am now.
“Vivian, you need to come with me. Your wedding is about to start.” Mom looked lovely in her red dress.
“I’m ready. I just had a scene in my head I had to get out.” I pulled my dress up higher and followed her out of the cabin and to the car. Normally, we’d ride horses here, but it would get my dress dirty.
The sweetest part about finding my dress was Mom and Pam going with me. I never dreamed of a big wedding or a wedding at all. Mom drove me to the closest dress shop and Pam met us there. She and I hadn’t talked a lot, but we’re both civil to each other. I figured she was still mad about everything. I knew how much she loved Brent and was being the protective mother.
At the dress shop I had tried on at least ten different dresses and nothing seemed to be right. They were too puffy, too tight, or too flowery. I wanted something simple and sweet. Something I could wear on the ranch since we were being married there.
“Vivian, what about this?” Pam pulled one off the rack.
“Oh that’s lovely.” Mom opened the bag.
My mouth dropped as I saw the most beautiful dress ever. It didn’t have a train, which I thought was silly anyway. It was lace without a lot of flair and I loved less flair.
“Try it on.” Pam suggested.
I took it from her hands and went into the dressing room. It fit me like a perfect glove. I spun around several times and the tears of happiness were ready to stream down my face. This was the dress I wanted to wear to marry Brent. When I stepped out Mom and Pam both gasped and I knew they loved it as much as I did.
“I’ll take it.” I ann
ounced. Mom told me she was buying the dress for me and there were to be no arguments about it.
As Mom was paying for the dress, Pam pulled me outside by her car. I was nervous about what was about to conspire, but I kept an open mind.
“I wanted to talk to you for a second.”
I nodded.
“Vivian, I love you as if you were my own daughter. I always have. I shouldn’t have been harsh with you when Brent brought you to the house after you two were married. Well, originally. I never want to see my son in pain and as a mother, I have a deep urge to protect him. When you left the second time, that heartbreak was there again, but I went over there and told him to go to you.”
I looked down to the ground.
“When he came back again, I knew you would come for him. I saw the love in your eyes for him. Your independence is honorable and I love it about you. I’m happy you are marrying my son so I can officially call you my daughter.”
As we pulled up to the house, my smile grew wider. Brent...the man of my dreams…was standing on the porch. His hands were in the pockets of his tux. I giggled seeing his shiny black cowboy boots. I had bought them for him as a wedding gift.
“Hello, Wife.” He greeted me opening the door.
“Hello, Husband.” I kissed his cheek. “Thanks for not shaving.” It wasn’t long ago I told him I enjoyed the light scruff on his face.
“You look amazing.” He held out my arms and inspected me. “You are perfect.”
“Not sure about that.” I bite my bottom lip.
“I am.”
“Come on, you two.” Pam came out of the house. She waved her hand for us to follow her around back.
Brent held out his arm and I took it with ease. He guided us toward the backyard. The only guests we invited were our parents, Olivia, and a few of Brent’s business partners. Since we were already legally married, we were doing this just to proclaim our love in front of the closest people in our lives.