DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, such claim as you
would lay to your horse; and she would have me as a
beast – not that, I being a beast, she would have me,
but that she, being a very beastly creature, lays claim
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to me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What is she?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE A very reverend body: ay, such
a one as a man may not speak of without he say,
‘sir-reverence’. I have but lean luck in the match, and
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yet is she a wondrous fat marriage.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE How dost thou mean, a ‘fat
marriage’?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, she’s the kitchen
wench, and all grease; and I know not what use to
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put her to but to make a lamp of her, and run from
her by her own light. I warrant her rags and the tallow
in them will burn a Poland winter. If she lives till
doomsday, she’ll burn a week longer than the whole
world.
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ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What complexion is she of?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Swart like my shoe, but her face
nothing like so clean kept. For why? She sweats; a
man may go overshoes in the grime of it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE That’s a fault that water will
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mend.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, sir, ’tis in grain; Noah’s flood
could not do it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What’s her name?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nell, sir; but her name and three
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quarters – that’s an ell and three quarters – will not
measure her from hip to hip.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Then she bears some
breadth?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No longer from head to foot
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than from hip to hip: she is spherical, like a globe.
I could find out countries in her.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE In what part of her body
stands Ireland?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, in her buttocks; I
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found it out by the bogs.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where Scotland?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I found it by the barrenness, hard
in the palm of her hand.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where France?
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DROMIO OF SYRACUSE In her forehead, armed and
reverted, making war against her hair.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where England?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I looked for the chalky cliffs,
but I could find no whiteness in them. But I guess it
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stood in her chin, by the salt rheum that ran between
France and it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where Spain?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Faith, I saw it not, but I felt it hot
in her breath.
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ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where America, the Indies?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O, sir, upon her nose, all o’er
embellished with rubies, carbuncles, sapphires,
declining their rich aspect to the hot breath of Spain,
who sent whole armadas of carracks to be ballast at
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her nose.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where stood Belgia, the
Netherlands?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O, sir, I did not look so low. To
conclude, this drudge or diviner laid claim to me,
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called me ‘Dromio’, swore I was assured to her, told
me what privy marks I had about me – as the mark of
my shoulder, the mole in my neck, the great wart on
my left arm – that I, amazed, ran from her as a witch.
And I think if my breast had not been made of faith, and my heart of steel,
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She had transformed me to a curtal dog, and made me turn i’th’ wheel.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Go, hie thee presently, post to the road;
An if the wind blow any way from shore,
I will not harbour in this town tonight.
If any bark put forth, come to the mart,
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Where I will walk till thou return to me.
If everyone knows us, and we know none,
’Tis time, I think, to trudge, pack and be gone.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
As from a bear a man would run for life,
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So fly I from her that would be my wife.
Exit.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
There’s none but witches do inhabit here,
And therefore ’tis high time that I were hence.
She that doth call me ‘husband’, even my soul
Doth for a wife abhor. But her fair sister,
Possessed with such a gentle, sovereign grace,
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Of such enchanting presence and discourse,
Hath almost made me traitor to myself.
But lest myself be guilty to self-wrong,
I’ll stop mine ears against the mermaid’s song.
Enter ANGELO with the chain.
ANGELO
Master Antipholus –
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Ay, that’s my name.
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ANGELO
I know it well, sir. Lo, here’s the chain.
I thought to have ta’en you at the Porpentine;
The chain, unfinished, made me stay thus long.
[Presents the chain.]
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What is your will that I shall do with this?
ANGELO
What please yourself, sir: I have made it for you.
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ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Made it for me, sir? I bespoke it not.
ANGELO
Not once, nor twice, but twenty times you have.
Go home with it, and please your wife withal,
And soon at supper-time I’ll visit you,
And then receive my money for the chain.
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ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
I pray you, sir, receive the money now,
For fear you ne’er see chain nor money more.
ANGELO
You are a merry man, sir; fare you well. Exit.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What I should think of this I cannot tell;
But this I think: there’s no man is so vain
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That would refuse so fair an offered chain.
I see a man here needs not live by shifts,
When in the streets he meets such golden gifts.
I’ll to the mart, and there for Dromio stay;
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If any ship put out, then straight, away!
Exit.
4.1
Enter [Second] Merchant, [ANGELO the] goldsmith
and an Officer.
2 MERCHANT [to Angelo]
You know since Pentecost the sum is due,
And since I have not much importuned you;
Nor now I had not, but that I am bound
To Persia, and want guilders for my voyage.
Therefore make present satisfaction,
5
Or I’ll attach you by this officer.
ANGELO
Even just the sum that I do owe to you
Is growing to me by Antipholus,
And in the instant that I met with you
He had of me a chain; at five o’clock
10
I shall receive the money for the same.
Pleaseth you walk with me down to his house,
I will discharge my bond, and thank you, too.
Enter ANTIPHOLUS [OF] EPHES[US, wearing the
Courtesan’s ring, and] DROMIO [OF EPHESUS]
from the Courtesan’s.
OFFICER
That labour may you save: see where he comes.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS [to Dromio]
While I go to the goldsmith’s house, go thou
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And buy a rope’s end. That will I bestow
Among my wife and her confederates
For locking me out of my doors by day. –
But soft, I see the goldsmith. – Get thee gone,
Buy thou a rope and bring it home to me.
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DROMIO OF EPHESUS
I buy a thousand pound a year, I buy a rope. Exit.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS [to Angelo]
A man is well holp up that trusts to you:
I promised your presence and the chain,
But neither chain nor goldsmith came to me.
Belike you thought our love would last too long
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If it were chained together, and therefore came not.
ANGELO
Saving your merry humour, [offering a paper] here’s the note
How much your chain weighs to the utmost carat,
The fineness of the gold and chargeful fashion,
Which doth amount to three odd ducats more
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Than I stand debted to this gentleman.
I pray you see him presently discharged,
For he is bound to sea, and stays but for it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
I am not furnished with the present money;
Besides, I have some business in the town.
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Good signor, take the stranger to my house,
And with you take the chain, and bid my wife
Disburse the sum on the receipt thereof.
Perchance I will be there as soon as you.
ANGELO
Then you will bring the chain to her yourself?
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ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
No, bear it with you, lest I come not time enough.
ANGELO
Well, sir, I will. Have you the chain about you?
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
An if I have not, sir, I hope you have,
Or else you may return without your money.
ANGELO
Nay, come, I pray you, sir, give me the chain;
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Both wind and tide stays for this gentleman,
And I, to blame, have held him here too long.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Good Lord! You use this dalliance to excuse
Your breach of promise to the Porpentine.
I should have chid you for not bringing it,
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But, like a shrew, you first begin to brawl.
2 MERCHANT [to Angelo]
The hour steals on; I pray you, sir, dispatch.
ANGELO [to Antipholus]
You hear how he importunes me. – The chain!
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Why, give it to my wife, and fetch your money.
ANGELO
Come, come, you know I gave it you even now.
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Either send the chain, or send me by some token.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Fie! Now you run this humour out of breath.
The Comedy of Errors Page 20