I deserved that. I did ruin her life and I never deserved her love. I was never honest about my past, what I do or how I felt about her. She barely knows a damn thing about me. It’s actually a relief that she’s out of my life and away from any danger. She should have left me a long time ago, or I shouldn’t have gone after her at all. I just hope she’ll keep herself safe and that people will stay away from her now that she’s gone from my life.
My only regret is that that was our last proper interaction with each other. We talked on the phone once but that was just to tell her that she had to go into protective custody with Nicole and Viv. Had I have known what was going to happen, I never would have made her leave the security of her home and she would still be alive.
I still can’t believe she’s gone. She didn’t deserve all the shit she’s been through. All the suffering she endured is on me. Her death will haunt me forever. I wish I could have spoken to her one last time to apologize for everything I did wrong. I hate that she never knew the real me, she thought she did, she thought the Jason she met was the real me, but it wasn’t. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if I was ever actually in love with her. As a part of my job I’m so used to lying and keeping up pretenses that it seeps into my personal life. Now, I’m lying to everybody, including the Last Hangman. The bikers might be accepting, but once they know what I’ve been up to, they might not be so forgiving. What a huge fucking mess.
From the little I can remember of my life before I was four, I know it was pretty good. I wasn’t brought up in a rich family, but my parents were incredibly loving and took good care of me. The night they were taken from me is when the real nightmare began. I had to grow up quickly in a life I didn’t want and had no other choice but to embrace the fear that I would be killed if I ever showed any weakness. The scariest part is that I started to enjoy this lifestyle. It changed me for the worse. My parents would be ashamed of the man I’ve become, but there’s no turning back now, this is who I am.
I should have run away as soon as I had the chance, but I stayed with the only people who were there for me. That was my first and most costly mistake. They were the worst people for a young and impressionable boy to be associated with and now I will never get a shot at happiness or love. Being with someone would mean living in constant fear that they will be taken away from me and used against me. Then there’s her, she’s been in my life for close to three years. We shouldn’t have done what we did, but neither of us could help it. I don’t regret any of it, I just wish things happened differently.
Life isn’t a fairy tale, not everybody deserves a happy ending. I know I don’t.
CHAPTER 1
Nicole
My childhood was interesting to say the least.
Growing up around violence, alcohol, drugs, sex and bikers shouldn’t be considered a good environment for a child to grow up in, it probably would be a nightmare to most girls, but for me, this is my fairy tale. I know that one day my prince in black boots is going to come and rescue me from the bad men and we’ll ride off into the sunset. But that’s not going to happen anytime soon. Instead the bad men rule a life that I wish I could forget forever. And I’m not talking about Gabe. He’s not that bad even though he can be a dickhead sometimes.
My older brother, Gabe, and I lost our parents when we were young, well, they were stolen from us. At the time Gabe was only eighteen and I was eight. I was heartbroken and scared, I didn’t want people to try to separate us, we were the only thing each other had left.
I can still remember every detail of the day Gabe told me our parents had died. I woke up as usual, hoping that Mom would be in the kitchen making us waffles as she had promised the day before. Dad would be watching the news, sipping his coffee whilst leaning on the kitchen counter. He always stayed close to Mom when they were in the same room. They loved each other with every fiber of their beings and it was evident to everyone who saw them together. They were the picture perfect couple, both in front of everybody and behind closed doors, they were the embodiment of pure love. I want that kind of love one day.
That morning was different, I walked into the kitchen to find Gabe sitting alone at the kitchen table with his head in his hands. It was strange, he was never like that. He was always happy and full of life. When he looked up at me, the Gabe I once knew was gone. His eyes were dead, completely void of any emotion but he wasn’t crying. The expression on his face when he saw me broke my heart and I knew something terrible had happened to Mom and Dad. I remember walking over to him and him wrapping me in his arms tightly. He kept repeating ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again. That’s when I knew, our parents were gone and it was just the two of us now.
He fought so hard to keep us together and luckily it worked. It was hard in the beginning, he had no idea what to do, how to look after an eight year old or keep the house running. We were fortunate that he managed to find a job pretty quickly. We fell into a routine, it almost became natural, like it had been the two of us all along. We were both heartbroken and it didn’t get better over night, but the fact that we still had each other was the most important thing, we could always rely on each other for comfort and support. He was very snappy at first and I couldn’t blame him, I couldn’t have coped with raising my younger sibling, finding a job and despite what he thinks, he is an amazing brother and has been a very good father figure. I’ve been very lucky, even if he can be a huge pain in my ass.
Going back to school was tough. Everybody looked at me with pity in their eyes and I hated it. Yes, I had lost my parents and my whole world had been turned upside down, but the last thing I needed was for them all to look at me as if I was going to break down any minute. I held strong and proved them wrong. I cried for the first few months when I was alone in my room and would cry myself to sleep, but I realized I shouldn’t cry for their loss. I should embrace the fact that I had the best parents ever who raised an amazing brother who would take good care of me for them. I’m certain they would be proud of him, probably minus the MC parts. I had the best eight years with my parents and I’ll cherish those memories forever.
Gabe has always made sure I had everything I needed and wanted growing up; whether it was clothes, make-up, toys, going out with friends, dating boys, you name it, he did it with a smile. Even when I was being a brat, he always made sure I was the number one priority in his life and I’ll forever be thankful to him. Not only did he manage to work full time and came home every day with a smile on his face, but he also found us a new family. Sure, some narrow-minded people might assume an MC is an unsuitable family environment for a young girl, but it was fucking amazing. We were amongst people who readily accepted us as their own and made sure we were financially, emotionally and physically sound, they would’ve done anything for us and still would. Josie, Ayden’s mom, became a second mother to me. I could always confide in her if I needed a woman’s opinion. Josie is the one who gave me the talk much to Gabe’s despair and relief. Although it would have been hilarious to watch him squirm as he explained the birds and the bees.
Everybody in the MC was welcome and supportive. There was also someone around to check on us or hang out with me and help with my homework when Gabe was busy with work. I could never blame Gabe for his absences, he put his life on hold for me. Well, not completely on hold, he doesn’t know that I often heard him with his lady friends late at night. I never mentioned anything, I didn’t want him to have to hide more than he had to. It was easier when we were at the compound because he could sneak in one of the rooms to fuck whomever he pleased or have someone babysit me while he was out.
It all changed when he met Annie.
Annie. The fucking bitch.
She ruined my brother’s life, it’s her fault that things turned to shit. That’s such a fucked up story, but at least Gabe and Viv have finally found their happiness together, it took them fucking long enough. I never understood why he dated Annie when it was clear as day that he was head over heels in love with Viv. Me
n are so weird, especially my brother.
These past few months have been fucking mental what with Viv coming back. Even if I didn’t show it at first, I was happy to see her again. Unfortunately, her return caused some very unwanted people to come back as well, the very same bastards who ruined our lives in the first place. Jared kidnapped Viv, Jenny and myself. We had a huge shock awaiting us in the warehouse. Annie wasn’t dead like everybody thought, Jenny was killed, Bennett was shot and Jared was finally killed and out of our lives for good. Instead of tearing them apart, it bought Viv and Gabe closer. It was Viv that pulled the trigger on Annie and we all assumed she would be greatly affected by it, but she’s been doing well I think it was actually harder for Gabe than on Viv. He was worried she would pack up and leave again. I think he’s still a little scared he’s going to wake up to find her gone, but she loves him too much to leave.
I didn’t know much about Jenny, just that she was Detective Sanders’ wife. It was hard to see her struggle and lose her life the way she did. I held her as she took her last breath and whilst I’m glad she didn’t die alone, it’s still haunting me. I can’t exactly tell anyone, they’re all too busy with the rival MC who is out for blood. We have no idea what’s in store for us but taking the last two years into consideration, it’s only going to end with blood and death.
I was very lucky that Gabe allowed me to move away for college, but not as far as I wanted. Oh no, it had to be within a five hour drive from him and not a second longer, it was bollocks! I just wanted to be able to experience life and live it my way for a couple of years without brotherly intervention, but he wouldn’t listen to reason. At times I wanted to just run away, but I knew better so I just gave in and well, he was the one paying for my tuition so I didn’t really have much say in the matter. I was mad at him for a couple of weeks but then I realized he was probably right. Things were already complicated enough in his life and me being far away wouldn’t have made it any easier for him. He would have worried too much and be unable to fully focus on anything. The last thing I wanted was for something to happen to him because he was worrying about me and what kind of friends I’d make when he had no way to protect me himself. I know he always had someone watching over me, I’m not stupid.
My three years in college were interesting. I matured a lot, but I also did some stupid things that would make some of the MC members proud and give Gabe a heart attack. The less he knows, the better, both for my sanity and his. I’m surprised the guys he had ladysitting me never sold me out, or maybe they never knew. I got pretty good at being careful, sneaky and erasing my tracks. And well, I had someone protecting me.
I finally moved back to New Orleans a couple of weeks ago, into Gabe’s old house now that he lives with Viv in her childhood home. It’s good to be back and away from college. I liked the freedom, but truth is, it wasn’t the kind of life I wanted to live. I missed home, my friends, the MC, I even missed my overprotective brother. If only he knew the things I got sucked into so close to home. He doesn’t need my drama added on top of everything he’s been through. He’s been the glue that kept the MC together, he managed to keep everyone focused in both club matters and personal lives. Ironically, he was shit at focusing on his own, luckily he had Aleck, my newfound brother, to set him straight when he was fucking up.
Those two will be the death of me one day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that Gabe now has a brother to talk to about men stuff and shit, but they are seriously taking the piss when it comes to me. Gabe alone was already a pain in the ass, but with Aleck? I can’t do anything without either of them either judging me or berating me about what I’m doing. I love them both but fuck if I don’t hate them at times. They think it’s hilarious to prank me, all the freaking time. It started with wrapping everything inside my house in tinfoil, switching the sugar and salt and completely covering the ground in my bedroom with filled cups of water while I was asleep, and then moved on to scaring the shit out of me by hiding random clowns and puppets everywhere in the house. I’m still planning my revenge, I haven’t decided on anything yet but it’ll be devilishly good. I plan on getting Charline and Viv on board to help as well. Suckers won’t know what hit them.
As annoying as my brothers are, I wouldn’t change them for the world. They keep everyone happy and entertained despite the mess that’s surrounds us. But they weren’t always like this and I only have Charline and Viv to thank for the change. I love seeing them happy with their women, even though it’s a constant reminder of what I don’t have. I wish I could find The One, someone to love unconditionally and be loved in return. That’s all I want. To be happy. To be genuinely, intensely, consistently happy, but as long as I’m under his thumb, that’ll never happen.
CHAPTER 2
Jason
February 20, 2015
The past two days have passed by in a blur.
I don’t remember waking up, going to sleep, eating, showering, anything. I only remember drinking myself into oblivion. Jenny’s funeral is tomorrow morning and I’m not ready to say goodbye, even if I wasn’t in love her anymore, I never wanted to say goodbye like this. I always thought that I would share my last breath with her, despite our circumstances, but because of me, she was fucking robbed of her life. I feel guilty for what happened to her. All of this because I decided to help get Cabe released from prison, when I listened to Ant I could never have imagined the shit storm that would follow.
The Hades’ Kings targeted all of us because we were working together to get Cabe out. I didn’t exactly have a choice but to work closely with the club. I did a good job getting him out, but now I’m paying for it. I’m about to lose my fucking job if I don’t pull my shit together and get out of this alliance. My only other option is to change my life altogether and become one of them. They’ve asked me but I can’t bring myself to accept their offer right now. I still have a ton of shit to sort out besides, if they knew the truth, I doubt they would still want me as one of their own.
Things were going well until Jenny was murdered. I don’t even know why she was killed and that’s what is pissing me off the most. No one wants to tell me what the fuck happened in that warehouse. Very few people know what went down that night, but I’m sure they’ve talked about it amongst themselves. Viv is still in hospital and Gabe is not leaving her side for a second. I’m not sure if Bennett witnessed what happened so that leaves Nicole.
She was there for me when I saw Jenny on the floor, she held me and tried to soothe me, but nothing can calm the rage that consumes me. They all think I’m feeling like this because I lost the love of my life, but how wrong they are. In a way, I’m glad they think its heartbreak, it makes things easier.
I need answers, but I’m in no shape to go and get them myself at the moment. I grab my phone from the coffee table and erase all the messages from people offering their condolences. I don’t give a single fuck about them. As nice as it is of them, they don’t mean shit to me. The old Jason is back with a vengeance. I look for the number I need and press the call button. It rings a couple of times before the call is picked up.
“Hello?” a sleepy voice greets me.
“Nicole,” I say, my voice void of any emotion.
“Jason?” she asks confused.
“Did I wake you up?”
“Yes, but it’s alright. What can I do for you?” she asks whilst yawning.
“I need to talk to you.”
“About what?”
“I’d rather not do this over the phone, but about that night. I need to know.”
I hear her sigh on the other end. “Alright, where do you want to meet?” she says, resignedly.
“My place? I’m not really in any state to go out in public.”
“Right, you don’t want to subject your drunken state to the world but to me it’s alright?” she asks with a trace of humor in her voice. I smile for the first time in days.
“Yes. You grew up around bikers, I’m sure you’re used to it.”
; “You've got a point. Give me thirty minutes and I’ll be there.”
“Thank you, Nicole. You have no idea how much this means to me.”
“I have a pretty good idea. See you in a bit,” she says quickly before hanging up.
I decide to get up and clean up a bit, I don’t need her to see this mess as well as my lack of hygiene. Empty beer bottles litter the floor, along with some whiskey and vodka ones. I’m not a big drinker, usually, but it’s the only thing that’s been stopping the darkness from consuming me. I’m surprised I’m still actually standing. The image of Jenny lying there on the floor still haunts me, I can’t get it out of my head. A part of me is relieved that she is free from the nightmare that she didn’t want to be a part of anymore. I wish I knew something this bad was going to happen, maybe I would have been able to get out of her life straight away or at least be able to keep her far away from all this mess.
The guys from the Hangman have been constantly checking in on me, which I found surprising. I do consider them family but I don’t know what I am to them. I guess they do care to a certain extent. I thought us helping each other was just a means to an end to them, or maybe it’s a case of ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer.’ All I know is that they have been there for me even when I’ve refused their help numerous times.
I’m dragged out of my thoughts by the sound of the doorbell ringing. I quickly put the trash bag and the empty bottles in the kitchen and open the front door to see Nicole standing on the other side. Her long black hair blows in the wind and her pale green eyes shine with something I can’t put my finger on. Fuck she’s beautiful. Her soft pouty lips are begging to be kissed and her soft curves touched. She clears her throat as I let my eyes roam over her body. The sound brings me back to reality and I instantly feel shit for eyeing her up when my wife was murdered only two days ago. You’re disgusting!
Trusting Nicole Page 2