by J. S. Cooper
“Who? Bryce?”
“You’ll know when the time comes. You’re not quite as alone as you think. There are many secrets in families that some of us would never even guess existed.”
“I guess.” I sighed, suddenly tired. “So what do I do now?”
“I can’t tell you what to do.” She sat back and shook her head. “That’s not what I’m here for. I can’t make your decisions for you.”
“But can’t you tell me what the right decision should be?”
“I will tell you what you need to hear. I want you to make the decision that makes you happy. I want you to go outside and listen to the birds chirp and whistle, follow the light of the sun, touch the fragrant petals in my garden and breathe in the fresh air of nature. I want you to listen to the beat of your heart and then I want you to close your eyes. Go and lie in a meadow and stare at the sky. The answers will come.”
“Uhm, okay.” I frowned. I didn’t want to tell her that she hadn’t been very helpful but she really hadn’t. Next thing she’ll be telling me to listen to the whispers of a butterfly.
“Life is not quite as complicated as we try to make it, my dear. And friendships are never broken until we cut them.”
“I see.” I stood up, slightly frustrated. “How much do I owe you?”
“Nothing.”
“If you’re sure.” I walked towards the front door, feeling guilty and she patted me on the back and smiled.
“And dear, only the black swallowtails are worth listening to.”
“Uh, okay.” I walked out the door confused, wondering if perhaps she had dementia and if I’d been part of some elaborate ruse. As I walked to my car, I decided to pull out my phone and looked up black swallowtail on Google. I might as well know what she’s talking about.
“A butterfly.” I said aloud to myself. “It’s a butterfly.” I bit my lip and looked back at the house, wondering if she was a mind reader. I didn’t even know her name. I sat in my car for a second, unsure of where to go. I felt like I had been in her house for a few hours, but when I checked the time it had only been forty-five minutes. I rolled my window down and let the cool breeze flow into my car. I took a deep breath and let the scent of the road take over my senses. And then I started my car. I knew where I wanted to go. I wanted to go to Jonesville High, back where everything had started. I wanted to go to the football field.
***
I was alone in the field, feeling a little bit like a fool. I was twenty-two years old and lying in the middle of a high school football field. As I lay there, I realized that so many of my problems were related to Jonesville High. And that, perhaps, was a problem in of itself. I was twenty-two now. I shouldn’t be living in my past. I shouldn’t be living for the dreams and memories of my high school self.
I closed my eyes and I breathed deeply and then stared up at the sky. It was an off-white blue grey. It looked like it was going to rain, but I continued to stare until an overwhelming sense of wellbeing filled me. I felt light and happy and alive. I felt like there was nothing too big that I couldn’t handle. It was time for me to grow up. I was responsible for my own happiness in life. I couldn’t place blame on anything else. It was like my dream of being an actress.
I had always said I never really wanted to be an actress, but it was just a lie. I was scared of people laughing at that dream, it seemed so lofty and unachievable. So I pretended I only wanted to be one to be admired. I hadn’t even been brave enough to try out for the drama club in high school, even though I had gone to every play, secretly and by myself. That was a dream that I had never told anyone. Because I was scared. But I didn’t want to be scared any more. I didn’t want to be unsure.
And then his face popped into my head. And he was smiling at me. He was telling me that this was the moment I had to make a decision. And I could see the exact crinkle of his eyes as he smiled at me. That pure, genuine, loving smile. And I wondered how I’d never noticed the pain in his eyes before. I had studied them so much. But all I had seen was his façade.
And I thought of the morning and the anger and happiness I had felt being around him. And the confusion. And the pain. But, more than the confusion and the pain, I felt the happiness and the love. And I knew. I had always known. He was the one that I loved. He was the one that I was made for. He was my one and only. He always had been. I couldn’t believe that I had ever questioned it.
I jumped up and ran. I ran faster than I had ever run before. I had to go and see him. I needed to tell him that, no matter what happened, we could work through it. I needed him to know that I was here for him one hundred percent. The past didn’t matter. It would never matter. Jealousy had no place in our lives. Both of us would have to get over our insecurities.
I knew that, together, we could get through anything. I’d never felt so excited or scared in my life. I knew that he might not want to hear it. I wasn’t sure where his head was after everything that had happened, but I had a feeling I knew where he was and I was going to try my hardest to get him to talk. I wanted to get him to understand why I had been the way I was earlier. I knew I had hurt him. I knew he was hurting now. I didn’t know if I could take away his pain completely, but I could try to absolve as much of it as possible.
I tried not to speed as I drove, but I was anxious and excited. I saw the sign for Harpers creek and I gripped the steering wheel with a thudding heart. I had finally made a decision; a decision that I hadn’t consciously thought needed to be made in my whole life. It had taken being told that Luke had died to make me realize the depth of his importance in my life. And then, hearing him tell me that he loved me had broken me and I had wanted to scream at him, “Don’t do this, don’t do this. Not now. I can’t take this!” And it had killed me to see the pain in his eyes. But I also knew that Bryce was in need of my love more than anything in the world. My Bryce. The guy I had spent my whole high school life loving.
I gulped as I saw the second sign for Harpers Creek and my heart felt like it was going to break out of my chest. I felt excited and sad all at the same time. I knew that my decision was going to end up breaking someone’s heart.
Chapter 4
Bryce
There’s something about the sound of silence that makes you feel comforted. Maybe it’s because when we’re in silence we don’t have to bother with the externalities around us. In war, the sound of silence is never a good thing. It means we are waiting for something big to happen and we don’t want to be heard. The eerie sound of silence while you are at war is usually followed by a deafening bellow; a scream or an explosion and then all that calmness vanishes. The calmness vanishes and chaos ensues.
Silence can indicate impending doom, but as I lay here in the most deafening silence, I wasn’t scared. The doom had already happened. My life was already over. I was a zombie now. Living, but not really. I was one of the walking dead. I laughed to myself at my joke. Maybe there was a reason I enjoyed watching the show so much on TV. Maybe I knew that I was soon to be a part of them; one of the tribe.
I walked to the riverbank and saw the little bubbles indicating that fish were swimming by—how easy their life must be, I thought. How simple and refreshing. Maybe I could catch a few and take them home for my mom to cook. I was about to go to my car to grab a hook, but then I remembered my mom wasn’t here any more. She wasn’t going to be frying up any more of the fish I caught. She wasn’t going to be there to ask me what food I wanted her to prepare for a dinner party, we weren’t going to watch Jeopardy together any more, or to talk about football games. I laughed as I thought about how much my mom used to love to talk about football. More than any guy I ever knew. I think it was because her cousins had all been into football, so she had grown up talking about football every holiday season.
She’d been so proud of me as the quarterback. She’d come to every single game. She didn’t miss one. Not a one. But she had never been disappointed when I had turned Notre Dame down; even though I knew she had been excited to come up
to the games. She’d always told me that whatever I wanted to do was fine by her and that she would always love and support me. And she had. She’d loved me through everything. And she’d cried with me when Eddie died. It was as if she had known that I felt guilty. She had been home the night Eddie and I had fought. She’d seen him running and crying, heard me banging the walls. And then, he’d died. And I had broken down. But mom had been there for me.
“Say hi to Eddie for me, Mom.” I whispered to the river. Maybe my mom was telling Eddie how sorry I was about what happened. Maybe they were catching up and laughing about all the things he and I used to do to cause trouble when we were youngsters. It was thoughts like that that made it easier for me to breathe. To exist. I wanted to go home and grab my bottle of pills. I knew they would help me. I knew that they would numb the pain and the crushing fire that burned inside of me. But I resisted. I had to resist. I knew that if I didn’t start resisting the urge to pop a pill, I’d be seeing the other side of a grave myself. And I knew that I didn’t want that. Not now and not that way.
I’d lost everything today: my mom, Lexi, my self-respect. I could still see the shock in Lexi’s eyes as I had told her about Anna. She had been so hurt. I wanted to tell her it meant nothing to me. That Anna had been nothing. And that she had made my heart soar with love and lust with just a touch of her lips against mine. The feel of her skin had sent a fever up my spine, that hadn’t been quenched with our mating. I longed to touch her, to feel her, to consume her. I wanted her right now. I needed her here on the riverbank, to be with me, to love me, to heal me.
I froze as I saw a deer run out to go and drink some water. He paused as he saw me and our eyes connected. There was a passing of some deeper emotion that slowed between us and it was as if we were communicating subconsciously. I willed him to come over to me. But, as I took a small step closer, he ran away from me. I laughed as he ran. Even the deer knew that I was the scum of the earth.
I sat back on the grass and looked at my phone to see the time. I had three missed calls: one from my dad, one from Lexi and, surprisingly, one from Anna. I hadn’t expected Anna to call me. I suppose she was upset that I had told Lexi what had happened. Another selfish act I suppose.
I put my phone away without calling any of them back. It still hadn’t quite hit me that my mom was dead. I couldn’t believe that I wouldn’t see her smiling face again. She wouldn’t be coming up to my room to tell me that dinner was ready. She wouldn’t be sending my care packages. And I wouldn’t be helping her to move out, to finally live her life, away from my conniving dad.
I had wanted her to win so badly, to defeat him—to make him look like a fool to the whole town. And now that would never happen. She’d never get to meet my kids, or to gush at my wedding. I’d never see her again. The tears ran from my face and I tried to stop them. I was a man. I shouldn’t be crying this much.
My phone started ringing again and I grabbed it from my pocket to see who was calling. I was so shocked to see Luke’s name that I answered it.
“Hello?” I kept my voice low so he couldn’t hear the emotion.
“Is that you, Bryce?”
“Yeah. What’s up?”
“I’m sorry about your mom.”
“Thanks.” I wanted to tell him to shut up but I was too tired.
“I know you think my words are baseless but they’re not. I knew your mom quite well. I saw her at the hospital a lot.”
“At the hospital?” I frowned. “Why was she at the hospital?”
“Sorry, I thought you knew. She volunteered there, in the kid’s ward.”
“Oh, I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, she and I both had a special bond with Shelby.”
“That’s nice.” My heart dropped as I thought about the little girl with cancer. I didn’t want to think about another girl dying.
“We both took an interest in Shelby because she’s an orphan, you see.”
“That’s sad.” I didn’t know what to say. I just wanted to get off the phone. “But why did you call?”
“I guess you wouldn’t call her an orphan per se,” he continued. “Her parents are alive, but she was given up.”
“Man, that sucks,” I sighed.
“She’s been at the orphanage since she was born. Once families find out she has cancer, they don’t want to adopt her.”
“That’s shitty.”
“But we think she’s in remission now.”
“That’s great,” I said, truly happy to hear some good news. “That’s really great.”
“Your mom was going to try and adopt her.”
“What?” I sat upright and my hand grasped the phone tighter.
“She was waiting to do it after she left your dad. She hadn’t told Shelby yet, but she had discussed it with me.”
“Why didn’t she tell me?” I frowned. “I didn’t even know she volunteered.”
“She started coming to the hospital when you joined the marines. She said she felt like God would protect you if she spent time with other children. She worried about you so much.”
“I didn’t know.” Why hadn’t she told me?
“She was going to adopt Shelby?” My voice held disbelief.
“I don’t know how to say this, Bryce, but Shelby is your sister.”
I dropped the phone onto the ground and tried to picture the little girl’s face. There had been something so familiar about her. “I want to see her.”
“You can come with me tomorrow if you want.”
“Yes. I want to come.” I paused. “How do you know I’m her brother?”
Luke sighed before speaking. “I replaced the orphanage’s computers and software a few years ago. That put me in contact with a lot of personal information.”
“So you know about my dad and Lexi’s mom?”
“Yes.” His voice was clipped.
“But she doesn’t know.” It was a statement and not a question.
“I wanted her to tell me about the affair when she was ready.”
“But Shelby’s her sister as well.”
“It wasn’t my place to tell her,” he sighed. “She doesn’t even know that I know.”
“Are we going to tell her?” I didn’t know if I could drop another bomb on her.
“Shelby would love to get to know you both. She’s a wonderful young girl.”
“So you know my sister better than I do.” It felt weird saying the word sister. “She’s going to be okay now, right?” I knew it was selfish of me but I didn’t know if I could handle getting to know her, only for her to die.
“She’s okay now, Bryce. She’s in remission,” Luke sighed. “She’s a survivor, Bryce. She’s a good kid. She needs a brother to love her.”
“You’ve loved her like a brother though, haven’t you?”
“I love her.” His words were firm and wistful. “Your mom loved her as well. And Shelby loved your mom.”
“I’m glad.” I smiled, a big, wide, true smile. “I’m glad she had someone in her life who made her happy.”
“She was a good woman. Everyone in town loved her.” Luke paused. “She wouldn’t want you to blame yourself, Bryce. It’s not your fault. Just like Eddie’s death wasn’t your fault.”
“You’re a good guy, Luke,” I sighed. “Thanks. I’ll meet you tomorrow at the hospital?”
“Yeah, I’ll see you there around noon.”
“Okay, I’ll see you then.” I jumped up, suddenly feeling alive. I had a sister. A little sister. It didn’t feel quite real. She could have been my daughter. I laughed at the irony. Maybe I’d have a kid soon. Maybe I could convince Lexi to forgive me and we could start a family. And I’d be a better man. I’d be a stand-up guy. A family guy. I’d spend the rest of my life atoning for my sins. I’d be the guy my mom wanted me to be.
First, Lexi and I could get married. We could get housing at Notre Dame and I could get a degree, maybe I’d become a teacher. Or maybe I could go to theology school. Spend my life in servi
ce to God. And then, when we graduated, we could start a family. And buy a house. We’d be a real family. I knew that Lexi would like that. We’d be happy. I would spend the rest of my life showing her how much she meant to me. I had messed up with Anna, but I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. I would prove to her that I was a good man. That the guy she had loved in high school was the real me and not a figment of her imagination. I could be that guy. I could grow up. I could be the man she wanted me to be, that I needed to be.
I grabbed my phone to call her. I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to hold her. I needed somebody right now. I knew she wouldn’t mind if I held her in my arms and cried. I just needed to be with someone. I needed to feel complete. I needed it more than I needed oxygen to breathe.
Chapter 5
Lexi
My phone battery died as I rounded the corner. But I didn’t care. I didn’t want to talk on the phone. I needed to see his face and talk to him in person. I finally arrived and parked my car next to his. This was it, then. I took a deep breath and shook my hands out.
“Hey, you.”
“Hey.” I looked up and saw him standing in front of me. “I didn’t even see you there.”
“I guess you need to pay more attention to your surroundings, then.” He laughed and I breathed a sigh of relief. Everyone was normal. As I had thought it would be. As I had known in my heart it would be.
“Yeah, I don’t want any scary bears coming after me.”
“Especially not if you’ve eaten any honey lately.”
“Or chocolate.”
“Or salt and vinegar chips.”
“Or McDonalds fries.”
“Or Whopper Jrs., without the pickles.”
“And added cheese.”
“Oh yes, we can’t forget the added cheese.” He grinned and I pulled him close to me. I saw the surprise in his eyes and I grinned back at him and leaned in and kissed him. His lips were sweet and firm, and I felt a slight shock run through me as our lips met. He pulled back from me slightly with an awe-struck look on his face.