He couldn’t tell if she was crying.
“Let’s go get drunk.” Jeff had made the suggestion before. In another lifetime. They’d been kids then.
“Can you stay over at my place?”
“Yeah.”
So Sunday was taken care of, then.
Monday he would go back to being a man.
* * *
A WEEK PASSED with no word from Jeff. As promised.
And no word from Brett, either. He hadn’t come right out and said he was serious about them sleeping together on anything more than a one-time basis. But Ella knew he was.
She’d certainly known what she was doing.
And like a masochist, she’d hurt herself again.
At least this time, she knew she’d survive. She hadn’t lost her heart to Brett all over again.
How could she have? He’d never given it back the first time.
By Saturday, she was able to smile again without feeling as if she was going to cry. She’d finally accepted a dinner date with Jason Everly, the pediatric pulmonary specialist on her ward. Chloe wasn’t thrilled about the idea, but Ella figured it might help take her mind off Brett.
Turned out that Jason was the type of guy who wasn’t opposed to going to bed on the first date.
He tried his damnedest to get Ella to go home with him. And she was tempted. Just to get Brett out of her system.
But in the end, she turned him down.
Maybe the next time.
Jason asked her out again for the following weekend, accepting a chaste kiss good-night, so she figured there really would be a next time.
No word from Jeff meant there was no need to be in touch with Brett. There’d been a case brought forward to the High Risk team earlier that week, but it hadn’t involved Ella. She’d read the report. Assumed Brett had, too. Wondered what he thought about the date rape, death threat and ultimate arrest of the victim’s boyfriend.
And then tried not to think about him at all.
The task was made a little more difficult by the fact that Chloe was at the Stand six days a week now. In counseling. And setting up a permanent menu and kitchen-duty schedule. Ella could see that Chloe was getting stronger every day.
Enough that Ella believed her when she said she wasn’t in contact with Jeff at all. On Friday night, two weeks after their weekend getaway, they went to Uncle Bob’s for dinner with Cody.
Chloe looked over at Ella with her burger poised halfway to her mouth. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Dink!” Cody squealed and kicked his legs, reaching forward, and Ella reached for his sippy cup without breaking focus.
“For bringing me here. I’ll never forget everything you’ve done for me.”
Ella shrugged. “You and Jeff, you’re my life. I couldn’t sit by and watch as Jeff slowly unraveled.”
“He still might, you know.” Chloe’s eyes took on a sheen of tears. “We have no way of knowing if he’s getting help. He could just be sitting there, waiting for me to call and say I’m coming home.”
“Didn’t you two talk at all when we were at the cabin?”
It was the first time she’d asked her the question. Some things weren’t her business. Unless Chloe needed to talk about them.
“Yeah, we talked. I told him what I thought. He told me what he thought...”
“Which was?”
“That while he’d been out of line, I was overreacting. He wants us to go to marital counseling together. I told him I’d think about it. That first I had to have this time to myself to figure out what’s going on inside of me with all of this.”
“And have you found any clarity?”
She asked only because she’d been noticing the difference in her sister-in-law.
“Yes.” Chloe gave up pretending to eat. “I know that Jeff pushed me into that doorjamb on purpose. And that’s all I need to know to be certain that I can’t go back there, can’t take Cody back there, until he’s able to admit what he did and get some help.”
“Are you going to tell him that?”
Cody stuffed his last piece of hot dog into his mouth. Chloe watched her son and then leaned on the table, looking at Ella. “I told Sara that I’m going to tell him. I’m just not sure I’m ready yet. I need to do it in person. And I need to be certain that when I see him, I can stand strong.”
“You left him two Sundays ago.”
With a sad smile Chloe nodded. “I know. That was the turning point for me,” she said. “I knew in my heart that I couldn’t go home. And I found out that I was strong enough to do what had to be done.”
Chloe was going to be all right.
Ella smiled. Squeezed her sister-in-law’s hand. Told her she could stay as long as she liked, that she’d always be there for her, no matter what, and prayed that her brother would get his shit together.
* * *
JEFF CALLED BRETT four times over those same two weeks. In Boston. In Atlanta. And twice at home. They didn’t talk long. Only long enough for Brett to know that Jeff was slowly losing hope. He was drinking more.
And had mentioned a woman in his office on a couple occasions.
He’d somehow convinced himself, in spite of Brett’s warnings, that once he and Chloe slept together, she would come home.
With another two weeks of their lives gone, with no word from her, Jeff was running out of explanations for his wife’s behavior.
Brett was a bit surprised himself. He’d expected Chloe to leave with Ella that day from the cabin. But he’d also thought she’d be back home in Palm Desert within the week.
He hadn’t called Ella. Because he was pretty much obsessed with thoughts of her. He thought about her on the plane. In the airport. On the road. And even at the boardroom table, when a gesture, a sound, a smell or some other woman’s hair reminded him of her. He couldn’t trust himself to hold on to his resolve feeling that way. And to do anything else would be opening them both up to the nightmare of the past.
His mother seemed to be more absent than usual, as well. Used to getting a text or email at least once a day, he’d gone three in a row with no communication.
But when he’d finally called her, leaving a message insisting that she let him know she was okay, he received an immediate reply. Reminding him that she’d been in his house to see to the cleaners the day before.
He’d told her he’d seen Jeff. Whom she knew to be his ex-brother-in-law.
She’d never met him and didn’t respond.
He didn’t mention Ella to her. Didn’t mention the High Risk team at all. She didn’t, either.
And then on Saturday night, two weeks after he’d spent the night with his ex-wife, he saw her. He’d stopped in at the Bistro after a game of golf, not because he knew she’d be off her shift soon, but because they had the wine he liked, and no one knew him there.
No one but Ella.
His nerves tightened when he saw her car in the parking lot, and he almost pulled back out to the road and went to the little pub on the corner by his house instead. But then he thought about Jeff and figured he could ask Ella how Chloe was doing, and then leave her alone.
Determined to decline any invitation she might extend to join her for a glass of wine, Brett waited for his gaze to adjust from the bright sun to the restaurant interior before he walked all the way into the room.
His pause had given Ella time to notice him, he observed, as he finally stepped forward. And then stopped. The look of pain on her face was unmistakable.
She was sitting not far from the door. And she wasn’t alone.
* * *
ELLA DIALED BRETT’S phone the second she was in her car.
She owed him nothing.
But that didn’t mean she wanted to hurt him.
“Brett?” Why she said his name when his voice mail picked up, she didn’t know. It wasn’t as if cell phone voice mail blasted out into the room and gave the listener a chance to pick up. “This is Ella.”
N
o kidding. Her hands were shaking as she sat there. Jason drove past, waving goodbye, and she waved back. Wondering if he was curious who she was on the phone with so soon after they’d parted ways.
“Listen,” she said, rubbing her head with the hand that had waved. “I... Just call me, please. I mean it, Brett. Don’t make me chase you down.”
She clicked the phone off.
Wondering why she’d ever thought Brett Ackerman was worth all the trouble he brought her.
And when, less than a minute later, her phone rang and she recognized his number, she knew.
Just knowing that he’d called when she asked him to gave her a modicum of peace.
“Why didn’t you come say hello?” she asked, getting straight to the point.
“I didn’t want to interrupt.”
“We were in public, Brett. That opens up the expectation of possible interruption.”
Were they really having this inane conversation? They’d spent such an incredible night together, she could hardly believe it wasn’t a dream, followed by two weeks of complete silence and now they were arguing about expectations surrounding privacy in a public establishment?
“So, what did you want?” she asked.
“I was just stopping in for a drink after golf.”
In the bistro so close to the hospital that it had become the unofficial after-work gathering place for hospital personnel? When Brett lived across town?
“So why not have the drink?” She knew why she was pushing him.
Because he wouldn’t have come inside if he hadn’t meant to see her. She knew him. Brett was deliberate about everything he did. If he hadn’t wanted to see her, he’d have checked the parking lot to make sure her car wasn’t there.
“I wanted to ask—casually, without putting you on the spot—how Chloe’s doing. I have no intention of pressuring you to give up confidences, Ella, and don’t want you to think, because we... Anyway, I just wondered if there’s been any change on your end.”
“Chloe’s doing well. She started daily sessions with Sara the Monday we got back.”
She started her car, but didn’t pull out of the parking lot. Her phone wasn’t charged enough to waste the battery on wireless or Bluetooth. Dusk had set, leaving a gloom over the mostly full lot.
Saturday night. There were lots of people out on the town. Going on dates.
She and Jason were going to see a movie Sunday afternoon. Because she wasn’t ready to go to bed with him.
But she liked him, and she’d told him so tonight.
Then she’d seen Brett.
And the guilt that had swamped her took her breath away.
“You still there?” she asked when enough time had passed for her to figure out that Brett wasn’t going to respond.
“Yes.”
“Where are you?”
“Pulled over at a lookout.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, El. Just had a bit of wind knocked out of me back there. Seeing you with someone.”
“I...” What could she say? She was moving on.
“Is it serious?”
“In two weeks?”
“It could have been going on before.”
“You think I would have slept with you if I was seeing someone?” For some reason that really hurt.
A lot more than it should have.
“No. But if you weren’t exclusive with him at that time, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have...”
If she was someone else, maybe. Brett knew her. She didn’t sleep around. But didn’t bother to respond.
“Anyway, I’m happy for you. It just caught me by surprise, you know?”
She’d loved him so much once. “Brett...”
“No. It’s fine. Good, really. Best for all of us. Just... Is he good to you, El?”
“Yes, very.” Insofar as it went with only two dates between them. And seeing him at work.
But he made her laugh. And right now, that was a huge plus.
Also, Jason wasn’t getting impatient with her, in spite of her not going home with him. He wasn’t giving up on her.
“Who is he?”
“A pediatric pulmonary specialist who has a couple patients on my unit.”
“Someone you met relatively recently, then?”
“Brett, why all the questions? What do you want to know?”
He waited so long she thought he was going to stand her up for an answer again. “I want to know you’re happy, El.”
She believed him. And said, “I’m on my way there—to being happy.”
Because she wasn’t going to live the rest of her life without joy.
Even if she had to live it without Brett.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
ONE GOOD THING came of Brett’s disastrous stop at the Bistro Saturday night. He was able to tell Jeff that progress was being made. That Chloe was in daily counseling and doing much better. He’d had to tell Jeff that, no, he hadn’t spoken to Chloe personally, and no, no one had said whether Chloe had asked about him.
They’d all agreed that Chloe would have this time to herself without contact with Jeff. And Jeff agreed that it should be left at that.
He and his college roommate had scheduled a golf game near Anaheim for the following weekend, and by the time Brett hung up Sunday evening, he was convinced that Jeff was doing better.
Work awaited him in his hotel room Sunday night. With a 6:00 a.m. flight out of LAX to New York, he didn’t have time to waste. Flipping open his laptop, he turned it on. Turned on his tablet, too.
And picked up his cell phone.
Ella might be out. He just needed to know.
So he’d quit thinking about her.
“Hello?”
“It’s me.”
“I know.”
The lights blazed brightly in his luxurious hotel room. He closed his eyes against the glare and was back on a boat, in the dark...
“I just wanted to apologize. If I made you feel awkward, I had no right...”
“You’re right, you didn’t.”
Okay, good. “So...you’re having a good weekend?”
“Yes.”
“Are you with Chloe?” It was a reasonable question. To know if, when she answered his questions, she had an audience.
“No. But I was going to call you tomorrow. Chloe would like to see Jeff, just for a visit, sometime in the next couple weeks.”
They arranged a meeting for a week from the coming Thursday—almost two weeks away. At Brett’s house. Jeff would expect Chloe to be coming in from LA. Chloe wanted the meeting to be someplace private, but also neutral.
And clearly, it couldn’t happen at Ella’s. Jeff would know instantly where Chloe was staying. He’d also know that his sister had been lying to him all this time.
So...fine. They’d had business to discuss. It was good he’d called. Now he could get to work.
“Why did you call, Brett?”
As he sat, bent over, elbows on his knees, staring at his shoes in the plush beige carpet, he measured his words. “Just to know that you’re okay.” He was sure about that.
“No, what do you really want? Clearly it bothered you to see me with Jason last night. You want to talk about it?”
The man had a name. It was Jason.
Not a bad name.
“It just...”
“Look, it’s okay to admit that you didn’t like seeing your ex-wife with another man. You’re human for God’s sake, Brett. You’re going to feel emotion every now and then.”
“I just...”
“Just tell me one thing.”
“If I can.”
“Did it change anything for you? Where we’re concerned? Seeing me with Jason. Are you interested in exploring any kind of a relationship with me at all?”
He was interested in having sex with her again. As soon as possible. And then again after that. And maybe for the rest of his life.
“The only reason we’ve been back in touch was f
or Jeff and Chloe. You didn’t even know until you called that Chloe was ready to see Jeff. Which means there was no reason for your call...unless something’s changed...”
She knew him well. And was calling him out in a way she never had in the past.
“No, El.” He heard the words he knew were true. “Nothing’s changed.”
He heard the click on the other end of the line and realized he didn’t even know where she’d been talking to him from.
Or if she’d have someone there to wipe away the tears he’d heard in her voice when she’d asked him that last question.
* * *
ELLA DIDN’T HEAR from Brett again during her day off and told herself that she was firmly over him as she dressed in yellow scrubs with kitty cats Tuesday morning. Brett hadn’t called, but Jason had. He invited her to lunch in the hospital cafeteria on Tuesday. A big step. They were going to be seen together in a nonworking moment in front of their peers. Some had already seen them together at the Bistro. It wasn’t like there was anything to hide.
Still, Ella hadn’t really been ready to broadcast their dating status to the entire hospital. It wasn’t as if they’d agreed to be exclusive or anything.
But she accepted the invitation. It was all well and good to talk about getting on with her life, but the words meant nothing if she turned her back on opportunities to do so.
Which was why she greeted Jason with a more intimate smile than she might have otherwise when he arrived to pick her up, ten minutes later than scheduled. He leaned forward, as though he might kiss her cheek, and her pager sounded. A 911.
From the emergency room.
Which meant that someone had asked for her specifically.
Jason went with her to see what was wrong.
Ella’s heart raced the entire time she stood in the elevator. Standing beside her, Jason waited for other staff members to exit the car when it stopped on the sixth floor, and then, when they were alone, held her hand the rest of the way down.
“The page was from a nurse,” she said.
“Someone you know?”
She shook her head.
There’d been no callback number given.
Just a 911 to emergency.
“Maybe it was a mistake.”
She’d already tried Chloe. Had been sent to voice mail. So she’d sent a text, just checking in, she’d said, not wanting to alarm her sister-in-law if she wasn’t involved.
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