The Missed Kiss

by Nicola Lowe

  “Are you… OK about the stag do? From what you told me about your ex, I don’t want you to think for a minute I’d ever do anything like that.”

  “Zack,” I took hold of his hand. “You are the sweetest. In all honesty, yes, it’s crossed my mind, yes, it’s stressed me out. I’ll be imagining strippers and all kinds of madness later. Every thought I’ve had about you and the stag do, led me back to the fact that I trust you. Just the fact that you are worrying about me worrying, it speaks volumes.” Zack kissed my forehead. “I wouldn’t project anyone else’s failings onto you, ever.”

  “Lately, I can’t concentrate on anything,” Zack admitted. “I think about you all the time. So even if there was a stripper, I’d spend the whole time telling her about how brilliant you are.” He smiled as he lifted his coffee mug to his lips again. “The more I get to know you, the nicer this is. You’re lovely and you’re gorgeous, but it’s more than that. The way you’ve been so honest about your past and how it still worries you. How in spite of that you are so open to this, and to me. Not to mention the insane chemistry! I feel like the luckiest person in the world right now.” He paused for a moment. “I need to say sorry too, I was jealous last night, about how close you and Luke are, and I know I sounded stroppy.”

  “You don’t have anything to be jealous of. I know me and Luke are crazy close, but it’s no different to how close I am to Cassie.” I looked up at him contentedly, playing with his fingers in our intertwined hands. “Sometimes I get panicky about this. I feel like I’m jumping in too deep, too soon. I convince myself I’m being ridiculous. But then when I’m with you…” I looked down at the table, feeling silly. “When I’m with you, it all feels so natural and right. I don’t doubt myself when we’re together.”

  Zack tilted my chin up and placed a single, teasing kiss to my lips. “Only one solution to that then, you need to be with me as much as possible. I sort of wish I wasn’t going on this stag do so I could stay with you. However, the fact there’s a stag do, means there’s a wedding.”

  I nodded and took a bite of cold toast.

  “It’s in two weeks, in a castle in Scotland. And I have a plus one…” He raised an eyebrow. “Now as much as I fancy taking Adam, I thought it might be better to ask you. So, would you be my wedding date?”

  I grinned. “You had me at castle.”

  As soon as Zack left for the train, I went straight back to bed to sleep the hangover off. This whole situation got better and better.

  Seven

  An evening eating pizza in my pyjamas with some trashy television was well overdue. It felt good to have time to myself. I thought about Cassie and how she was sure I was falling in love and this was meant to be. I thought about Luke and how he said I was rushing this and needed to think. My specific feelings were a mystery to me, but I did know it was exciting to be invited to a wedding. I hadn’t met any of Zack’s friends other than Adam, so this would be a big step for us both. As I lay on the couch googling dresses and shoes, my phone pinged with a message.

  Luke: Hey, hope you’re feeling OK after last night?

  Lily: Yeah, lying on the couch eating pizza in my pyjama’s is strangely therapeutic! Did much happen after I left?

  Luke: Nah, just the usual. Much for you?

  Lily: Passed out basically. Zack had to go, he’s on a stag do, so I can slob now!

  Luke: Does that mean you’re free tomorrow? Still want to come see the kids with me?

  Lily: A Sunday, with my best friends and two gorgeous kids? Sounds perfect!

  Luke: Great. I need to talk to you after though, if that’s OK?

  Lily: Absolutely, are you alright? Can talk now if something’s wrong?

  Luke: No, tomorrow is fine, sleep well. Remember that cold pizza for breakfast is gross! x

  Lily: Damn, you know me so well, I saved half exactly for that purpose! You sleep well too xx

  I awoke early, intrigued about what Luke wanted to discuss and excited to spend the day with friends. I suspected he’d either met someone himself or was going away again. Things had felt slightly askew between us since he’d been back. I did, disgracefully, eat cold pizza for breakfast despite his warnings. Not used to time to myself lately, I gave the flat a spring clean and jumped in the longest shower I’d had for ages. Sporting casual grey jeggings and a maroon cross neck top, my hair wavy and wild, I set off to meet everyone in the park.

  As I approached, I could see Luke with Ruby and Emilia. His arms swapped between their swings, pushing them high as they squealed in delight. I circled round to approach them from the back, sneaking up to jab him in the ribs.

  “I saw you a mile away Lily.” he grinned and moved to the side, giving us a swing each.

  “Where’s Cassie?” I asked as I glanced around.

  “She looked tired, so I said we could handle them alone. We can handle them, can’t we?” he threw me a panicked look and I laughed.

  “You coped alone in Uganda, what’s the worst two little girls can do?”

  “Were you alright on Friday night? You didn’t look good.” he asked, caution in his voice. “Zack whisked you away before I could check.”

  “I was fine, stop worrying.” I smiled at him as I continued to push the swing. “He isn’t a bad guy Luke.”

  “When I see a man taking a drunk girl - a very drunk girl home, it’s a worry. I know what you’re like in that state.”

  I frowned at him. “What do you mean? What am I like when I’m drunk?”

  He sighed, delighting Ruby by pushing her even higher. “I’m not going to embarrass you!”

  “No, go on. You’ve not mentioned this before. What do I do when I’m drunk?”

  Luke looked at me and sighed. “Sometimes Lily, just sometimes, you sort of…” he ran his hand through his hair, looking bashful. I stared at him; I wasn’t going to let this go.

  “You, well… you ask for stuff. You get all flirty and suggestive. I know that it passes, and you fall asleep and snore. Another guy might not. Zack might not.”

  “I’ve never done that! You’re lying!” I nudged my hip into his. He simply raised an eyebrow and smiled. “Anyway, nothing happened. Zack stayed over. He was a perfect gentleman, he just wanted to make sure I wasn’t sick. He isn’t horrible, I promise.”

  “If we weren’t in a kids’ playground, I could tell you a selection of what you’ve said while drunk, but it would be obscene,” he winked at me.

  I laughed to myself. “You’re making it up, stop it. I’m starving, can we buy them ice cream? Buy me a sandwich at the same time?”

  Luke lifted the two girls out of the swings. In a row of four, we held hands as we headed out of the park and towards the café. All happy, enjoying the moment.

  “It’s almost their nap time.” I said to Luke. “Shall I take them back? You still want to talk?”

  As Luke nodded, his blonde hair bobbed on his forehead. “How about I grab Starbucks and meet you at yours?”

  “Sounds perfect. You got a key?”

  “I do. Caramel Macchiato?” he asked.

  “Yep. Don’t you dare turn up without whipped cream.” I grinned.

  Half an hour later, I let myself in, and my heart filled up with happy. I mean, who doesn’t want to open the door to find a gorgeous blonde with your favourite coffee?! Luke was still adjusting back to the English springtime after his travels. He wore an unseasonably thick, slate-grey jacket, over jeans and a t-shirt. I wrapped my arms around his middle and squeezed him hard.

  “Hey, no complaints, but what’s that for?” Luke asked.

  “For being you.” I smiled as I pulled back. “Now, about that whipped cream?”

  He grinned and handed me my coffee from the table.

  Luke took a deep sip of his coffee. I could sense a hint of sadness around him.

  “Luke, I’m worried about you. Has something happened? There’s sadness in your eyes since you got back from Uganda. What’s wrong?” I sat close to him, wanting to fix whatever had made th
is amazing man sad.

  “I’m not sure where best to begin,” he sighed and put his coffee cup on the table as he ran his fingers through his hair.

  “After everything you’ve done for me, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t help you with. Just start at the beginning, I’m sure we can fix whatever it is?” My heart was beating fast in anticipation of bad news.

  “So, you remember when we met?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I do, when you came to work at Draper & Hughes. You were super young!” I grinned, “I guess we both were.”

  “Yep! You didn’t live up here then, and you had a boyfriend, and I admired you from afar, but we weren’t friends as such.”

  “I remember.” I sighed. “Wasn’t that way for long though, was it?”

  “No. I remember you were off work for a week or so, and people whispered about why. I tried not to invade your privacy. Then when you did come back, over a few weeks, it was like you turned into a shadow of yourself. Do you remember the night you told me what was happening?”

  I nodded, concentrating on the colours in Luke’s eyes to distract me from the memories that shot across my horizon.

  “That’s when you told me how bad the situation had got. How scared you were. Hiding away alone. I’ve never in my life felt such an urge to protect someone. Starting the next day, we got everything in motion, didn’t we?”

  I nodded once again and smiled. Remembering not the awful times, but how Luke saved me from them.

  “You were amazing,” I said with absolute sincerity. “I can’t imagine what would’ve happened that night if-” Luke pressed a finger to my lips and shook his head.

  “Since then, I’ve tried everything I could to build your confidence back up, to show you it wasn’t your fault. To remind you that you are an amazing and beautiful person.” He took hold of my hand.

  “You were so patient, even when I didn’t deserve it,” I wiped a tear from my eye. “Sorry, it still gets me a little.”

  “I know, I’m sorry to dredge it all up. It’s for a reason.” He wiped a tear from my cheek and smiled.

  “So, Lily, during that year…” He stopped and tilted his head back, his eyes focused on the ceiling. “Don’t freak out about this. Just listen before you react. I know what you’re like, take a moment.”

  I sat there in silence. What had happened during that year that he hadn’t told me? We told each other everything.

  He looked back down at his feet as he spoke. I absorbed every single word. “I fell, completely, unequivocally, in love with you. Every single bit of you.”

  Time went into a spin at this point, as I tried to digest his words. I held my coffee cup to my mouth, not drinking, not speaking.

  “It wasn’t the time to tell you, you were still recovering. I kept convincing myself to wait a little longer. Give you some space. Maybe when that case at work finished. After summer when we’d have more time. Then I was worried I was ‘friend zoned’. In the end I decided that when I got back from Uganda would be the time but… everything changed while I was there.” He looked into my eyes and I saw his own tinged with tears that waited to escape as his emotions unburdened themselves.

  I couldn’t register what was happening here.

  “Lily, please say something.” Luke took hold of my hand, but I pulled it away as I tried to think, a flash of pain ran across his face as I did so.

  My emotions span into overdrive. This was the last thing I’d expected. It was like being humiliated again. Flashbacks zipped into my mind, people who I thought were my friends, people who had known my boyfriend was sleeping around and hadn’t told me. Why did people keep secrets? Had Luke been using our friendship to get close to me?

  “Just clarify a few things for me. Whenever you stayed over here with me you were in love with me?” I asked, as the tension in my voice rose.

  He nodded and sighed. “You aren’t taking a moment, are you?”

  I continued, ignoring his comment, as more memories appeared. “When we went to Glastonbury and I passed out half naked, you were in love with me?”

  He swallowed and blew out a long breath. “When I cried for nights on end and you held me close and said it would all be OK, you were in love with me? When I tried on clothes and let you sit there in the changing room? When the two of us made stupid TikToks to love songs? Were you using our friendship to get close to me?”

  Anger hit me like a force. I thought of all the times I had let him see me bare, both physically and emotionally. He had taken that without ever once letting me know he had an ulterior motive. He put his head in his hands again and pulled his blonde hair back.

  “You had four years to tell me, but you wait until I’ve met someone. Finally had a little taste of what a normal relationship could be like after everything I went through?” I stood up and walked over to the window, the normal Sunday afternoon life meandered along. It didn’t feel like my life would be normal ever again.

  “I didn’t wait on purpose, I feared what you would say. A hope of having you, was better than dealing with a reality where you were never mine.” He walked over to me. I looked up into those beautiful blue eyes that I’d only ever trusted, and for once, I felt unsure.

  “I feel like you abused our friendship.” I whispered, not wanting it to be true but at that moment, it was.

  He took hold of my hands again. “I’m just asking one thing from you. One thing Lily. Let me kiss you. Let me kiss you once and I know you’ll feel what I do. We can sort all of this out. If you don’t feel it, I’ll go. I’ll be the bigger man, smile at you and Zack even though it’s killing me. But I know if you kiss me back, you’ll feel what we could be.”

  I looked down at the floor, tears ran down my cheeks. If I said yes, I’d betray Zack. If I said no, I’d destroy the dreams of my best friend, the person who saved me. Why had he put me in this position? His hand grasped my chin and lifted it up, our eyes met. “Please, Lily.” Luke had tears in his eyes, and I couldn’t think of a way to resolve this situation without someone being hurt. Why did this have to be happening?

  I placed my hand over his and moved it away from my face. My eyes were downcast, unable to meet his as I answered. “No. No, how could you ask me to do this?”

  He took a step back, visibly shaken. “Lily… I don’t know what else to say, I love you, I’d do anything for you.”

  “You’ve completely taken advantage of our friendship. You’ve waited to tell me this, until you see me happy with Zack, how do I know it isn’t just jealousy?”

  “Of course I'm jealous for fucks sake! I don’t sleep at night thinking of you and him, but that isn’t why I am telling you. I always planned to tell you when I got back. I wasn’t counting on him… and this,” he gestured towards me. “I never took advantage of you Lily. Jesus, there have been a hundred times I could’ve kissed you or seen you naked or made a move, but I never did. Do you even remember how many times you got drunk and suggested stuff? You’re an absolute flirt when you’re drunk. But you never did it sober, so I never took you up on it. You’re my whole world. You are totally fucking infuriating, but you’re everything to me.”

  “Is this why you’ve never had a girlfriend?” I snapped at him, it wasn’t fair, but I was unable to stop myself.

  “I’m only human, there’ve been girls. I always made sure nothing would ever last, and you’d never be aware of it. I only ever wanted you. I’ve never felt this way about anybody Lily.”

  I turned my back to him. Hoping for inspiration or answers, not knowing what to say or feel. Finally, I spoke, “I feel like I’m losing my best friend right now.”

  “We could be so much more…” his voice pleaded with me.

  “Zack and I literally had the talk about us being official yesterday. I can’t cast aside the past few weeks.” I sobbed as the hopelessness of this situation engulfed me.

  “One kiss Lily, let me show you?” His voice broke up and as it did, my heart followed.

  “I think you should leave now.�
��

  “You don’t mean that, please.” His voice was shaky, I had to shut off my emotions to handle this.

  “Please leave.” I said, my voice quiet and forlorn. I couldn’t look at him as he tried to reach for me, as he walked by, as the front door slammed shut.

  It was only when I heard the downstairs door slam that I looked out of the window. I saw Luke in the car park with his head in his hands. That’s when I fell to the floor and cried every ounce of my heart out. When it was all cried out and I could summon no more tears I sat there, slouched against the radiator. It went dark, my phone beeped and rang, the streetlights outside came on. I felt empty, looking at the photo frame he had bought me as it hung on the wall opposite me. Luke and I, grinning together after a long hike, arms around each other, carefree and smiling. How had that all been lost?

  I called work and told them I had a stomach bug the next day, unable to face the situation, unable to face Luke. I repeated the same to Cassie when she queried her unanswered calls. Lying on the couch, wearing yesterday’s clothes, staring at my phone, I wondered what the hell I was supposed to do.

  I didn’t want Luke to be out of my life, but how could anything be salvaged after yesterday? I had no idea how my relationship with Zack would pan out, but he didn’t deserve to be cast aside. In the end, I typed a message.

  Lily: Are you at work today?

  Luke: Yes

  Lily: Can you come up after?

  Luke: Depends if you are contagious…

  Lily: I think we both know I’m not really sick. I’m sorry I upset you

  Luke: I’m sorry too… I’ll finish a bit early, see you about four x

  I hadn’t eaten since yesterday lunchtime, but my appetite had deserted me. The mirror showed me blotchy skin, red eyes and tangled hair. I jumped in the shower and made myself presentable again, although concealer was not going to fix this. My phone rang as I was debating whether pyjamas were acceptable in this scenario.