by Nicola Lowe
“What did he say?” Luke’s eyes looked misty as he questioned me.
“Same as we all thought I think, thank god you were there. That silly, adorable what’s for tea message system saved me. You saved me. Obviously, I can never, ever repay what you did for me, but I don’t want you to think that it’s only that one night that brought us so close.”
I took hold of his hand, running my fingers over the soft bumps of his knuckles. “You were the only person who didn’t try to fix me. You didn’t tell me to get over it, or time would heal it or any of that crap. You travelled through every stage of it with me, do you know how rare that is in a person?” I rested my head in my hands, as if trying to hold back the memories that would sometimes float to my mind and haunt me.
“I’d do it a million times over. Look at me, Lily.”
I looked up, huge, pendulous tears dripping from my eyes. “I love you so much.”
Luke stroked his fingers down my cheek. “This is beyond love. I’ve said it before, you’re everything. You’re my whole world. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”
As Luke pressed his lips against mine, a feeling passed between us. We’d kissed hundreds of times now, we’d explored every bit of skin and flesh, but what was happening now was different.
His kiss was drinking me in. I could feel him smiling as his lips caressed mine. His fingers travelled with a painstaking slowness over me, as if he were memorising every patch of skin. I couldn’t tear my eyes off his, they held the key to me. This was absolute paradise. I could’ve died here and now and not regretted a second.
Luke pulled away from me. “I forgot to bring condoms, I’m sorry. I can run home?”
I couldn’t wait, I needed him now. “You got tested after you got home didn’t you?” My mouth continued to move on his. He nodded as he kissed me. “I’m on the pill, you know I haven’t slept around. It’s fine.”
“Really?” His lips paused as he asked me.
“Really, please just take me to bed now Luke.”
We were silent as we undressed each other, heading to the bed in constant connection. If our mouths weren’t touching, then our hands needed to be. I had to touch him. We’d had every type of sex imaginable over the past week, giving into all our fantasies about each other.
This though… The phrase made me cringe but making love… this was it personified. With every movement, every kiss, he filled my heart up with love until it overflowed. With that overflow I felt the agony of my heart breaking, before he filled me up with love over and over again. We had absolute reverence for each other. This was a torturous but addictive cycle that I seemed unable to break. I wasn’t even ashamed of the tears rolling down my cheeks as he held me close to him. I never wanted him to let go.
Twenty Three
I stretched out to the side of me as my eyes sprang open. My hands found the other half of the bed empty. Luke had left, that wasn’t like him. Did he have court again? I was confused.
I wrapped a sheet around myself and stepped outside onto the immaculate grass, it seemed even greener after the rainstorm. No sign of anybody. I wandered around the garden, my feet soaking wet as I cried once again. I couldn’t bear to be without either Zack or Luke. I couldn’t bear to hurt either of them. My head was in agony with the strain of it, I just didn’t know what to do.
As I got back to my room, a message pinged onto my phone from Luke.
Luke: I’m sorry I had to go. I kissed you before I left, you looked beautiful. I had something to send you and it was too big for a text. I emailed you. Don’t worry about anything, OK? xx
Lily: Sounds ominous. Everything OK? xx
Luke: It will all be fine, promise xx
I had a horrible sickness in my gut as I sat down on the bed and opened my email. I hadn’t checked it for a few days and initially all I could see was spam before I saw his name, Luke Adamson, and pressed on the message to open it.
Dear Lily,
I tried so hard to stop myself falling in love with you, but I couldn’t. You were so hurt and vulnerable. If I’d told you then I’d have either alienated you, or I would’ve become a rebound. Then we became such good friends, I’ve never had so much fun with someone. We’d go on a night out and I’d feel like we were a couple, dancing and laughing, heading home together, but it was just friendship for you. At one of those points… that’s when I should have progressed it. A night when we were in a club, pressed together and hot, I should’ve braved a kiss. Remember the night all the trains were off, and we stood in the pouring rain trying to get a taxi, laughing our socks off? You hugged me and looked into my eyes, so alive and beautiful - that would have been an ideal point to tell you. I remember the weekend before I went to Uganda, the chat we had about being brave. Why wasn’t I brave that moment?! I thought it’d be stupid to start something with you when I wouldn’t be around for a while.
I was furious at Cassie for encouraging you to meet Zack, but it wasn’t her fault. She was right. You’re young and beautiful and clever, why waste that time? She was trying to help you blossom. I thought you and Zack were so new, that if I told you how I felt… I don’t know… would you abandon him and come running to me?
Yet there was something there in you, something that made you message me that night, was it the way that kiss felt on my last day? Until that point, I’d concentrated on forgetting you. Instead, I now began to concentrate on keeping you in my life. It’s felt magical us being together, talking and laughing, making love, hearing those words from you.
I held back so I wouldn’t hurt you. Maybe that was my mistake, but I can’t apologise for putting you first. I loved knowing you would be there when I woke up, and that we would go home and cook dinner together. I want this to be your home Lily, our home, together.
I want to hate Zack, but he hasn’t done anything wrong really. He fell in love with the most incredible girl in the world, how can I blame him for that? I know we have love and happiness, but this situation is hurting you.
Please believe me that it’s shattering me to write this. I need you to understand and do what I say, please. We could take on the whole world together, grow old together and be as much in love the day we die as we are now. Making this choice between Zack and I, it’s making you ill. You’re losing the shine from your eyes, you look weary. I know your heart is going to feel broken whichever way you choose, and I know that in spite of your own hurt, you’re more concerned with not hurting either me or him.
I want to ease that burden. Forget how I feel, if you’re happy, that’s all I need. You to be happy, safe, loved, healthy. And you will be, with Zack. He loves and adores you and he’ll look after you, I’m one hundred per cent sure. You don’t need to make the awful decision, I’m taking that away from you. I love you so much, and it’s because of that I know I have to let you go. Please go and be happy and live an amazing life with him.
We can’t be a part of each other’s lives anymore. This has to be goodbye. The most heart-wrenching goodbye I could ever imagine, but for all the right reasons. If the universe wants it, maybe one day we’ll be reunited. In our next lives Lily, it’s you and me forever - don’t ever forget that. I’ll be searching for you, wherever and whenever that may be. For now though, live this life, be happy. I will always love you. Always.
Luke xxx
I gasped for breath, the panic choking me. My face was drenched with tears my mind wanted to shut down. I couldn’t swallow, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move. Numbness overwhelmed me, but at the same time joined by absolute agony. Curled up in the bed like a baby, my tears soon saturated the pillow below me.
I read the email five, ten, fifteen times but I couldn’t digest it. How do you act on words like that?
I managed to calm my breathing down and tried to think what to do. I needed to talk to Luke.
Lily: I want to call you, but I can’t speak, I literally can’t speak. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love you so much, this is too hard. I can’t be without you
x
Luke: I’ve wracked my brains about this Lily. This is the only thing I can do for you. I know it’s hard, the hardest thing in the world. But it will get easier for you. Just go and be happy, go and live your best life, let me do this for you x
Lily: I can’t imagine my life without you Luke x
Luke: Then imagine our next life together, this isn’t our time. If it was then it wouldn’t be this painful. You still have clothes at mine, I will leave them with Cassie over the weekend x
Lily: Luke please, please don’t do this x
Luke: It’s the only option. I’ve been round and round it in my head a thousand times. It’s because I love you so much that I’m doing it. You’re strong, you’re amazing, you can handle this. You can go back home and put your heart and soul into your life with Zack. I know you can, you don’t need me, you’ve got this xx
Lily: But I love you. I love you so much it’s killing me Luke x
Luke: And I love you, I always have, I always will. I honestly believe what I wrote, this isn’t our time, our place. But when it is, we’ll find each other. Stay strong. Don’t ever forget how loved you are. Goodbye for now Lily xxx
After that, he didn’t reply, I messaged him over and over, begging and imploring him. I called him more times than I could count, but just got voicemail. Eventually I threw my own phone across the room in a temper, noticing myself in the long mirror on the opposite side of the room. I looked like a shell of my true self. Pale, blotchy, tear stained and crushed, small and worthless. if someone tried to paint heart break, I would be it. How could I go home, cope with this, explain it to Zack, none of it seemed possible.
I kept imagining Luke in absolute pieces and that set me off again. He’d done this for me though, that was so typical. Why couldn’t he be selfish for once? Just be selfish and not let me go. Should I accept what he was doing? Should I march round there and tell him no? What then though, go and break Zacks heart? There was no right answer here.
Luke had put himself through hell to make that decision, to write those words, to explain it to me. Maybe the kindest option was to accept it, rather than make him go through it all again? You should’ve left him alone. This was all my fault. I felt like my heart was being stretched out on a rack when I thought of never seeing him again, but when I switched the roles and thought of never seeing Zack again, I felt the same.
I heard gentle knocking on my door as Cassie popped her head around.
“I spoke to Luke.”
I looked up her, barely able to focus on her through the tears as she locked me in a tight hug.
“I think it’s for the best sweetheart, I really do,” she kissed my forehead, rocking me backward and forwards slowly in her embrace, like she would when her little girls had scraped knees.
“Is Zack expecting to hear from you today?”
I nodded, still unable to speak.
“There’s no rush at all. If you want to go home today, or not for two months, I don’t mind either way. If you want driving though, just tell me. I’m going to make you a cup of tea. Why don’t you jump in the shower?”
She headed back to the house, but I couldn’t take a shower. His lips had touched this skin, his fingers had caressed it… I didn’t ever want to wash that away.
Cassie and I sat together a few minutes later with extra strong cups of tea, the grass still wet against my bare toes. There was nothing to say. We were both going through utter heartbreak over entirely different situations. I wished someone would take my heartbreak away, I could at least help with hers.
“When I’m home Cassie, I’m going to talk to Zack about the egg donation idea.”
She squeezed my hand tight. “Thank you, but you two need to get back on track. No rush.”
“I know you want tall kids, it’s all a ruse isn’t it You want my tall genes?” I managed a sad smile.
She laughed. “Shall I drive you home beautiful girl?”
I nodded. “Not fair on Zack to drag this out. Can we take a quick detour?”
An hour later I was outside a coffee shop, although I wasn’t a pretty sight I had managed to stop gulping and sobbing like a banshee. Luke had gone through so much to make that decision, I needed to honour it, I needed to wrap my head around that.
His phone was still switched off, I wondered if we’d ever speak again. I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing his beautiful smile again, not hearing him laugh at my silly comments. Never feel his arms pull me up the last few steps of a hike, ignoring my insistence that I couldn’t make it. How could it be I’d never wake up in his arms again?
Sitting on an uncomfortable metal chair which dug into my legs, I inhaled the scent of my double shot latte and opened the three memory cards I’d just bought from the shop next door. I put one card into my phone, and downloaded every message I had from Luke, along with every photograph and video, and that email, that reality ending email. Then I made two more copies and zipped them inside my bag.
Cassie watched me with worried eyes as she blew on her cup of tea. “Do you need a hand?” I shook my head and continued with the task at hand.
The tremors in my hands made my progress slow, as I clicked delete on everything in the phone. I couldn’t have it there, at hand so I could look whenever I wanted. I had to avert my eyes, I couldn’t read the lovely messages, I couldn’t see our happy faces together. Every press of the delete button felt as though I was wiping us out of existence. I was tempted to read that email once more, but I didn’t have the strength to. I had to face this, as hard as that was. I also had another person I needed to message.
Lily: Cassie is driving me back, should be home in a couple of hours
Zack: That’s good news, wasn’t sure when or if I would see you…
Lily: I’m coming home Zack. I’ll talk to you when I am back
Zack: Lily, I love you so much. Get back safe. Can’t wait to see you xx
I could never tell him it hadn’t been my choice. Luke had made the decision for me. It was out of my hands and I felt crushed. A memory came back to me, of watching a movie with Luke, a couple of years back when life was simpler. We were lying on cushions on his living room floor, buttery smelling popcorn strewn around from an earlier game, trying to catch it in our mouths. The winter weather was bitter, and I could see the streetlights on through the window, illuminating the dark evening. It was warm as toast in his house as we lazed around in shorts and t-shirts, our legs aching from the day’s exertions. The group of friends in the movie were trying to escape from an old temple. One of them needed to hold the lever to wedge open the exit so the others could escape. One selflessly stepped forward, knowing they’d be trapped and alone. Even at that time I’d laughed and said that would be Luke. The others were so busy trying to convince him not to, they almost missed their chance, meaning his sacrifice would’ve been pointless. Luke got so frustrated at them.
Now, it was Luke making the sacrifice. I wanted to be locked in the temple forever with him, but I knew that would defeat everything he was trying to do for me.
I tried to look at his Instagram, but I could see that he had removed me. This was it. This didn’t feel real, this couldn’t be happening. I turned my phone off as I finished the last dregs of coffee. Once back in the car, I set the air conditioner to its lowest temperature, and blasted it on full, wanting to feel it sting my face and focus me.
It felt like the longest drive home I had ever known, yet at the same time, as Cassie pulled over, I couldn’t remember it. I could see Zack inside through the window, he looked happy. I felt numb.
I think I was in a kind of shock. I watched myself from the outside, not present in my own mind. I said goodbye to Cassie, who was looking at me as if I was about to collapse.
I saw myself go into the house, be scooped up in a gigantic hug by Zack and covered in kisses. He wrapped a blanket around me and rubbed my cheeks with a gentle touch, worried by how cold I was. Then I sat on the couch and he brought me coffee whilst placing soft kisses
over me, asking if I wanted to talk.
“Zack,” I sighed. “This has been the hardest experience. It’ll be fine, I know it will. I need time to get to grips with what’s in my head. I’m sure you have stuff to work through too?”
“I thought I was never going to see you again. I feel like I never want to let you out of my sight.”
“What happened in Iceland-”
“It was nothing,” he cut me off. “Can we leave it behind us? I just want to forget all of this.”
I didn’t have words to respond with or thoughts to comfort him with. I rested my head on his chest, feeling his arms wrap around me, knowing he wanted to make it all better. I knew we weren’t really addressing any issues, but I didn’t have the strength.
This wasn’t the same as the chest I rested against last night…
Later still, I watched myself soak in a long bath and go to bed early with a dreadful headache. I noticed how I checked my phone every five minutes but the message I longed for was never there. I saw myself go to work, hold hands with Zack, eat sandwiches together at lunchtime. I watched life happen around me, not sure I deserved it.
I was very conscious that even after a week, Zack and I did no more than kiss. I couldn’t bring myself to replace Luke as being the last person who touched me that way. That last time we were together…
I turned up at Cassie’s the next weekend, as arranged, still numb and vacant. Guy had taken the girls to the park, Cassie and I sat in the living room. Her eyes were wary, I think she was expecting snot and tears, but I’d retreated into numbness. I think my mind was protecting itself, being an empty shell was easier than living with the pain.
“All your clothes are in the two boxes by the door,” she said softly. “Some from Luke’s and some that you left here.”