by Amy Cross
"What's wrong?" he asks after a moment. "Do you still not believe me?"
I open my mouth to argue with him, to tell him that he's insane, but somehow the words won't come out. I can't shake the feeling that maybe, just maybe...
"We arranged a code word," he continues. "When you underwent hypnosis and cognitive therapy to establish your new memories, it was decided that we needed a word that would bring the old Elizabeth back. At the time, I thought we'd never have to use it. I thought you'd live happily as Laura Kingston. Eventually I realized that once you'd come back to me, I'd be able to tell you everything. That's why I feel that you're ready to hear the word. Your memories of Laura Kingston's life will fall away, and Elizabeth Bannister will come rushing back into your mind. When you -"
"No!" I shout, starting to edge back up toward the top of the stairs.
"No?" He pauses. "Don't you want to have your old mind back? Don't you want to be Elizabeth Bannister again? It's all still in there, you know. Your true personality is buried in your mind. I was very careful to insist that nothing was to be wiped. It was simply a matter of shifting your old memories to one side and filling your mind with the minutiae of this other existence as Laura Kingston. We built her from the ground up. We wrote her life, imagining her life history, basing her character on your own but adding a few subtle changes here and there. I didn't want to change you completely. Everyone else saw a new woman, but I still saw Elizabeth Bannister in your eyes. Even right now, I can see the old version of you".
"None of this is true," I say firmly. "I don't know what's wrong with you, Edward, but you need help!"
"I even tried to test you," he continues. "I took the teeth that Luke knocked out of my mouth all those years ago, and I left them for you to find. I wanted to see if your memory might be jogged".
"I know who I am!" I shout. "You can't suddenly start claiming that I'm someone else, as if all my memories are just ideas you put into my head!"
He smiles. "I can see I'll have to prove it to you".
"You're insane," I say, poised to turn and run. "I don't know how you've managed to make this seem normal in your mind, Edward, but you need proper help. It's just not possible to do what you're saying. I know exactly who I am, and I know where I've been, and I know for damn certain that I've lived most of my life up until now far away from this place. I'm not Elizabeth Bannister!"
"Then I'll say the word," he replies. "It's quite simple. If you change someone's memories, you change their personality".
"No!" I scream, holding the knife out toward him.
"You know I'm not lying," he says with a smile. "If you truly thought everything I just said was a fantasy, you'd be happy for me to say the word. You know, though, don't you? You know it's true. Deep down, you can feel Elizabeth Bannister still inside your body. Despite everything we did to you, despite all the therapy and all the plastic surgery, you're still basically the same person. That was the whole point all along, Elizabeth. Don't you see? I just needed a second chance. I needed to wipe away your memories, and to wipe away all the mistakes and all the bad things that had happened to you, and I needed to try again. I knew we could be together, if we just had this new chance".
"Fuck you," I say, turning to run out the door.
"Mephistopheles," he calls after me.
"No!" I shout, but it's too late. I reach out to grab the door handle, but as I drop to my knees, the dust of Laura Kingston falls from my eyes and I remember everything.
Part Eight
Mephistopheles
Elizabeth
Five years ago
It takes me about five minutes to throw some items into a bag, and finally I'm ready.
This is it.
After changing into an old blue dress, I check my watch and see that it's still only 5pm, which means I've got five hours to kill before I'm due to meet Cole. Standing in the middle of my room, I realize that the full enormity of what I'm doing hasn't quite hit me yet; after all, I'm running away from my husband and from my marriage. I'm doing the one thing I swore I'd never do. Maybe if I was blameless, this would be easier, but the truth is that this is at least half my fault. Sure, Luke's a difficult man, and he's got a violent side, but he's never hit me and I'm still the one who made the decision to kiss Edward. I could have handled things better, and I really should have never accepted his proposal in the first place. I was just so desperate to get away from my old life, and I jumped at the first guy who came along. Luke's not a bad person. He's just not right for me. We both know it, but neither of us is ready to admit the truth.
Figuring I need to leave some kind of note, I grab some paper and sit at the dresser for a few minutes, trying to work out how to explain to my husband that I'm leaving him. I keep trying to imagine what he'll say when he realizes that I've left, and I know that there's no way I can ever come up with the right words; he'll be angry, and he'll undoubtedly take that anger out on Edward. Still, I have to trust that Edward and all the Bannisters can take care of themselves. The most important thing is that I need to find a way to dissuade any of them from coming after me. I need to get them to just leave me alone, which means I need to make both Luke and Edward feel glad that I've gone. I need them to hate me. The only way to make sure they don't try to get me back, is to make sure that they're glad I'm not around.
Finally, unable to write the letter, I get to my feet and take one final look around the room. This was supposed to be my safe haven from the madness of the Heights, but there's something about this place, and about the Bannisters, that seems to creep into every crack. Between them, Luke and Edward have turned this entire place into a toxic environment. The thought of spending the rest of my life in this place, as the Bannister family feud continues to churn, is too horrific to contemplate. Feeling almost suffocated just standing in this airless little room, I grab my bag and hurry over to the door.
"Hey," says Rachel, standing right outside.
"Hey," I reply, shocked to find her standing here. I glance along the corridor, but there's no sign of anyone else. "What are you doing?" I ask. "Did you come to find me?"
"I just..." She pauses, and for the first time, I swear there's a hint of grit in her sweetness-and-light expression. "I saw you earlier," she continues. "You looked kind of upset, so I thought I'd come and see if you're okay". She glances down at the bag in my hand. "So are you?"
"I'm fine," I reply. "Just... you know, the usual".
"Cool," she says, even though there's something about her tone of voice that makes it clear she's suspicious. "I thought you looked kinda tearful earlier. You were running away from the bar". She pauses. "Did you have an argument with someone? That barman -"
"No," I say, slipping past her and pulling the door shut. I glance along the corridor once again, half expecting to spot Edward lurking nearby. He and Rachel have been spending a lot of time together lately, and I can't help but see her as an extension of his eyes and ears around this place. "The truth is," I continue, "I've just been feeling a little homesick. You know what that's like, right?"
She stares at me.
"I just felt kind of overwhelmed by everything," I add. "A new place, a new home, a new life... There's so much going on here, it's hard to keep track. You must have noticed that, right?"
She continues to stare for a moment. "Sure," she says eventually. "I guess. I mean..." Her voice trails off, and she seems to be concentrating very hard, as if her mind is spinning with possibilities. "As long as you're okay..." she continues eventually. "As long as you're not going to do anything stupid".
"I'm fine," I say. "I was just going to head to the restaurant. Do you want to come?"
"I'm on duty," she replies cautiously, "but I'm headed that way. I can walk with you if you like? I'd like to pick your brains about a few things".
I stare at her for a moment, still trying to work out what, exactly, she's up to. "So you came all the way to my room," I say eventually, "just because you thought I might be upset?"
S
he nods.
"You were worried about me?"
"Was that wrong?"
I pause. "No, it's just... I guess it's a little surprising, that's all. Are you sure Edward didn't ask you to come and check on me?"
"Edward? Why would he want me to do that?"
"No reason," I say, still unable to shake the feeling that behind Rachel's polite, perky eyes, there's something far more sinister. "I just wondered".
As we make our way along the quiet corridor, I feel as if the silence between us is deafening. Rachel's only been at the Heights for a few weeks, but she's definitely starting to change. I guess the Bannister men demand that people fit in with their expectations, and whereas I can't do that, Rachel has apparently decided to let herself be shaped and molded. I feel bad for her, but I figure she'll be fine. In some ways, she seems to be made for this place. In fact, I can imagine her and Edward getting on very well.
"So how are you finding it here?" I ask eventually, feeling as if I need to make some polite conversation in order to avoid raising suspisions.
"It's good," she replies.
Good? As we head toward the elevators, I can't help but feel as if she's being deliberately uncommunicative.
"What about Edward?" I ask. "How are you finding him?"
"Mr. Bannister's been very good to me," she replies, seemingly a little more enthusiastic now that Edward's name has been brought up. "I was supposed to work mainly with the older Mr. Bannister, but Edward has decided to train me up instead. He says I could have a big future here. I don't know if he means it, but he says I could end up being a manager one day".
"You'd like that, huh?" I ask as I press the button to call for an elevator.
"Totally," she replies, with a smile that seems studied and planned. "I mean, it'd be the best thing ever. I could be in charge of a whole department. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but..." She pauses. "I don't want to work in a shop. Everyone else from my year at college has just ended up working in shops, and I want to do more than that. I want to be successful. With Edward's help, I can be anything. He's turning me from the provincial, under-achieving local girl that I used to be, and he's drawing out my potential. By the time it's over, I'm going to be a totally different person".
"Something tells me you'll fit right in around here," I say as the elevator arrives and we step inside.
"Do you really think so?" she asks. "I'm trying my best, but it's so hard to know what he really wants. Sometimes, when we're talking, I feel like we're from different worlds. He's so smart and sophisticated, and I'm just... Well, I'm local. I don't have that kind of background, and I don't really know what he's on about, but I'm learning. I just hope he'll be patient and let me catch up".
"You've got it bad, haven't you?" I reply, unable to hide a smile.
"Got what bad?" she asks blankly.
"Nothing. Just..." I pause. "I'm sure you'll be fine. I've got a feeling that you and Edward are going to work very well together".
"Do you really think so?" she asks.
"Why not?" I reply as the doors close. "The pair of you already seem to get along like a house on fire".
Laura
Today
"Elizabeth?"
I stand at the top of the stairs, facing the door. I know I should say something, but I'm scared to speak. It's as if two entire worlds have come crashing together, and somehow I'm the one who has to find a way to reconcile them and make sense of the chaos. My head is filled with two sets of childhood memories, two sets of parents, two entire personal histories. I remember growing up in Folkestone in Kent, and I remember growing up a few miles away in Margate; I remember going to school with my best friend Hayley, and I remember going to a completely different school with a completely different best friend named Alison. There are two complete lifetimes, crushed together in my mind, and I feel like I'm about to explode. I remember being Elizabeth, but I also remember being Laura.
"Elizabeth?"
Turning slowly, I see Edward standing at the bottom of the stairs, as if he's waiting for me to tell him that everything's okay. The problem is, I have no idea how to react. On the one hand, I want to grab him by the throat and wring every last drop of life from his body; on the other hand, I want to burst into tears. The side of me that remembers being Elizabeth wants to end this madness, but the side of me that remembers being Laura is terrified by the thought of not being real. It's the Laura side of my mind that's really suffering right now, because she's just found out that her memories are false. They feel real, but they're not. Still, she remains in my mind, screaming and crying. I want to help her, to tell her that everything's going to be okay, but at the same time, she and I are identical. I feel as if I'm constantly flitting between Elizabeth and Laura, and as a result I'm somehow outside of them both, watching as they grapple with this nightmare.
"You must be in shock," Edward says, walking slowly up the stairs toward me. "I wanted to find some other way to tell you, but in the end I realized that it'd be impossible to break this news in any other way. How do you feel? Are you okay?"
I shake my head.
"To be honest," he continues, "I'm not entirely sure how we should handle this. All that work, all that preparation, and I'm still a little uncertain as to the best way for us to proceed. Would you like some time alone? Would that help? I can leave for a few minutes".
I don't say anything. Hell, I don't even know who he's talking to. The problem is, when I finally open my mouth and speak, who'll really be answering his questions? Will it be Laura, or will it be Elizabeth? I'm both of them, but at the same time I feel as if I'm neither of them. The truth is, I feel as if I'm in the process of shattering: all the little pieces have begun to splinter from my mind, but they're still held together more or less in the original form. Any second now, however, I'm going to crash to the ground.
"I'm sure you have a lot of questions," Edward says calmly. "I'm happy to tell you anything you want to know. I've kept all the documentation. There are photos, videos... I knew that one day you'd learn the truth, and I wanted to be able to show you the entire process. There are folders full of images and plans. I kept every detail, almost like a scrapbook. It's a perfect record of the process that transformed Elizabeth Bannister into Laura Kingston". He steps closer. "It's really very beautiful, actually. It's a work of art. I've often thought that the world would marvel at such a wonderful project. The doctors were working at the cutting edge of available techniques, and in some respects they even went beyond accepted science. Some of the operations lasted for days on end".
I stare at him. It's insane, but he seems to be handling this as if it's somehow a perfectly normal situation. He expects me to 'get over' the fact that he completely changed my identity. It's almost as if he sees Laura Kingston as nothing more than a dress I wore for a while, as if personalities are just props to be picked up and dropped whenever it's convenient. I guess maybe that's how things are for a guy like Edward, who studies and plans his every move, but I can't live like that. For the past few years, I've been living and breathing and thinking as Laura Kingston, and whatever else happens, I can't just let her go. Then again, I can't be two people at once.
"I do have some bad news," he continues. "Unfortunately, the physical transformation is irreversible, so it's not going to be possible to reverse you to your old appearance. Still, perhaps that's a good thing. You need to be looking toward the future, not running to the past, and even if you now look different, it's important to remember that deep down inside you're still Elizabeth Bannister. Your core hasn't changed. It'll take some time to let go of the Laura Kingston persona, but eventually your mind will be back to normal. Laura will just fall away and become part of the past".
I shake my head. I can feel the Laura side of my mind screaming with fear, desperate not to be erased from existence.
"Of course she will," he continues. "It's only natural. She was a construction. Laura Kingston was nothing more than a temporary persona that you adopted while you w
eren't being yourself. You were trained to believe that she was the real you, but you can also be trained to go back to your old personality".
I take a deep breath. My mind is almost completely blank, as if the conflict between the two sides of my personality has ended in a stalemate.
"It's okay," Edward says, reaching out and touching my arm. "I'm going to look after you".
Without even thinking, I step toward him and press my right fist against his chest, pushing as hard as I can. At first, I don't know why I'm doing this. Something feels wrong, however, and it takes a moment before I remember that I was holding the knife in my hand. Looking down, I see that a patch of blood is starting to spread across Edward's white shirt, and when I move away from him, I realize that the knife is sticking out of a wound just below his ribcage.
I stabbed him.
I didn't mean to do it, but I drove the knife deep into his body and my hand is still on the hilt, holding it in place.
"I..." he starts to say, as if he hasn't quite registered what happened. He looks down at the knife, but he doesn't seem to know what to do.
We stand like this for a few seconds. It feels like the moment is lasting forever, and neither of is able to react. I don't pull the knife out, and I don't push it deeper or twist it; I just stand there, frozen to the spot. Meanwhile, Edward makes no effort to pull away or to remove the knife. It's as if he thinks there's been some kind of mistake, and that if he waits long enough, suddenly this won't have happened.
Finally, I'm the first one of us to move. Turning, I pull the door open and step out into the corridor, immediately coming face to face with Luke. Parked just beyond the door, he's staring at me with the same intense eyes I remember from the days all those years ago when I was married to him. I take a deep breath, barely able to comprehend the truth: I was married to Luke Bannister. These memories, which all feel so strange and alien, are mine.