He went roaring down the road and I jogged on again. In about a minute I seen headlights coming toward me. It sounded like that same car, and I thought maybe he had caught a flash of me getting out of his way and was headed back to see if he had hit something. I didn't want him to feel bad about nearly hitting me so I jogged along like nothing had happened, keeping my head down so his lights wouldn't blind me. But he didn't slow down as he come toward me, and dog me if he didn't make one of them swerves again. I dove off the road and this time his fender near about put that dust back on my pants.
As I picked myself up, I heard his brakes clamp on. The car slewed all over the road and the fellers in it yelled at each other. They was likely drunk, and was going to get hurt if they kept on. It was about a hundred yards down the road to where they had stopped. I begun chasing down there to tell them they ought to sleep it off, and for a moment I thought they was pulling off the road to do just that. But what they was doing was trying to turn the car around. They didn't see the drainage ditch by the road and they got a couple of wheels in the ditch and come up stuck. Four fellers was in the car. They was all yelling at each other and didn't hear me run up.
My first look in there showed me them fellers was on a hunting trip. It was lucky for them I warn't a game warden because the deer and turkey season hadn't opened, and anyways it is agin the law to hunt deer and turkeys with a repeating shotgun and a burp gun like two of them had. You would think fellers that go hunting would know likker and bullets don't mix good, but no, the first thing a lot of hunters will do is load their guns and unload their bottles, and then wonder why they missed that deer but did bring down Joe or Tom.
I wanted to keep them fellers out of trouble, and before they knowed I was there I reached in beside the driver and switched off the ignition and yanked out the key.
"Fellers," I said, "you are all drunk and have got to sleep it off, and I am not giving back this here key until you are fit to drive."
For a moment they stared at me like I didn't have good sense. Then the one with the shotgun tried to swing it around on me, but a shotgun is not a handy thing to swing around in a car full of people that do not want the barrel hitting them on the head or poking them in the eye. So it was a few seconds before he got that barrel unwrapped from the other fellers. If there is one thing I am not, it is stupid, and I had knowed all along that a bunch of likkered-up hunters was not going to like me taking their car key. By the time that feller had his shotgun ready to use on me instead of on his friends, I had run around back of the car and jumped into the woods.
They come piling out of the car, mad as fire ants when you kick their nest, and let off some shots at the wrong side of the road. From the sound of it, they had pistols as well as the shotgun and burp gun. I figured I hadn't ought to leave them fellers because they was too drunk for their own good. There is nothing like a long walk to sober a feller up, and that is what I thought I had better give them.
I moved back a ways more into the scrub pine and palmettos, and called, "Here I am, fellers. Over here." Then I hit the ground.
The next minute was kind of like wriggling along on the combat course at Fort Dix. Of course I knowed they was drunk and couldn't shoot straight, but it turned out they was lucky and a couple of bullets and a pattern of shot clipped twigs right over me. They stopped shooting in a minute and come in after me, crashing along like bulldozers. The way they moved I could tell they was city fellers. The only thing I worried about was a couple of them had flashlights, and I had to make sure I didn't get caught in no flashlight beam. But it warn't too bad even at that. A city feller that is excited and using a flashlight in the woods will sweep the beam around fast. That way he will flip the beam past what he wants to see, and stir up enough shadows to scare an army. I kept calling to them fellers and leading them deeper into the woods, and along the way they shot a real fine lot of pine and palmetto shadows.
After I got them about a mile off the road and still heading away from it, I dropped off to the side and let them plough by. Then I come up behind one of them that had a flashlight and the shotgun. Brung up like I was in the Jersey pines, it warn't hard to sneak up right beside him.
At the last moment he heard me and give a jump. "Jack?" he whispered. "That you, Jack? Jeez, don't come crowding in on me like that."
I had crowded in on him so he couldn't swing that shotgun. "Yep, it's me," I whispered. "I just seen him hiding over there. I'll hold the flashlight and you shoot him."
"Swell," he said, and let me take the flashlight. "Where is he?"
I yanked the shotgun off him. "He's right here," I said, and switched off the flashlight and snuck away.
The way that feller begun carrying on you might have thought I took his scalp along with his gun and light. He started running and falling and running again, and when he had breath yelling for Jack and Red and Izzy, and howling about how the guy had nearly got him. Them other three rounded him up after a while, and they done some arguing and then turned out their other flashlight and just set there, waiting and listening. That was real smart of them, on account of I couldn't do nothing while they was all together like that except to shoot them, and I didn't have no call to do that. What I needed was to get them broke up again and hunting for me. So I went off a little ways and aimed the flashlight in their direction and laid it on the ground and switched it on and moved to one side.
"Here I am, fellers," I called. "Why don't you come at me?" And I loosed off the shotgun over their heads.
You had to hand it to them fellers for being game. They fanned out and begun creeping toward the light. I made a swing around them and snuck up on one feller that was creeping along and not making much more noise than if he had been rolling a barrel. I still had maybe ten feet to go, before I reached him, when a feller off to one side yelled "Now!" and they started shooting up the woods around where the flashlight was burning. The feller I was creeping up on had the burp gun, and he got the flashlight on the third burst.
In all that noise it hadn't been no trouble to move up right beside my feller. "Nice shooting," I said.
"Yeah, but did I get the bastard?" he said.
I reached over and snagged the burp gun off him. "I reckon not," I said. "And don't you go calling me no bastard or I might get sore."
Well, he went out from beside me faster than you would think a man could leave from a lying-down start. He headed toward the other fellers. They didn't sound glad to hear him coming, if you could judge from the way they got up and beat it, but in a few minutes they got things sorted out again and all four kind of huddled together like they was getting cold. What they had left now was one flashlight and two pistols. I knowed I couldn't get them fanning out after me again, but I didn't want to leave them with nothing they could get in trouble with.
There is a way of yelling in the woods that don't give away where you are. You cup your hands and yell through them, sending the sound up in the air and off to one side. So I done that, and called, "Fellers, you are in a bad way."
One of them took a shot, but he was way off. I picked out a branch of a pine above their heads and give it a squirt from the burp gun and knocked it off. Them fellers hit the ground and started digging in a way that would put a mole to shame.
"Fellers," I called, "like you know, I have got a burp gun and a shotgun, and these here woods is just like home to me. So if you and me do some more shooting, I give you one guess who gets hurt."
One of them yelled back, "Look, Mac, it was all a mistake."
I said, "It's always a mistake to get drunk like you have done."
"You quit and we'll quit, Mac."
I said, "I am not going to quit until I get that flashlight and them two pistols off you. What you do is switch on the light and put the pistols where the light shines on them, and move about twenty feet away from them."
"Screw you, Mac."
"That is not very nice talk, fellers," I said. "But I'm not going to get sore. I am just going to shoot things up a l
ittle."
I give them a real low burst from the burp gun, and a pattern of shot from the shotgun that kicked some pine needles over them.
"Lay off, lay off!" one of them yelled. "You can have the goddam hardware."
"Thank you, fellers," I said. "And if you have any pistols I don't know about, or any old switchblade knives, I will take it kindly to have them thrun on the pile too. On account of if anybody is hiding near the pile laying for me, I am not going to be able to take good aim, like I have been doing just now, and make sure of missing him."
Before long I seen the flashlight start glowing on the ground, and some metal shining in the beam. Then I heard noises as them fellers moved away. I took my time creeping up until I got behind a tree a couple feet behind the flashlight. Then I wormed out of my shirt and reached out and dropped it over the flashlight. That put everything in the dark again. I figured if anybody wanted to shoot up my shirt or put a switchblade knife through it, I would rather not be inside it at the time. Nothing happened, so I squirmed forward and snuck a hand under the shirt and turned off the flashlight and gathered up the two pistols and crept away.
When I had put enough trees between me and them, I called, "Fellers, I will leave your car key in the ignition, and I hope you will not do no more drunken driving."
"Hey," one of them yelled. "You're not going to leave us in this goddam jungle, are you?"
"This isn't a jungle," I said. "This is just a plain old piney wood."
"Yeah, but how do we get out?"
"What I think you ought to do," I said, "is stay right where you are until morning. That will give you time to sober up good. You're about a mile off the road. It is smack dab east of you, so if you wait till morning and head for the sun you can't miss the road. Since you fellers don't know your way around woods in the dark, you'll get in trouble if you start wandering around."
One of them called in a weak voice, "What about swamps and alligators and snakes?"
I said, "There is a swamp about a mile and a half southwest of here, and I give you my word it will not sneak up on you if you stay put. The alligators will stay pretty close to the swamp, too. I reckon you can find some real big rattlers in here if you try hard, so if you do not want rattlers you had better stay right there till it's light. The worst thing that will happen to you tonight will be getting some little itchy red spots on your skins. Those will be from red bugs, and a dab of kerosene is good for them. Well, good night, fellers."
I headed back to their car, and put the flashlight on the front seat and the key in the ignition. I didn't like taking the two pistols and shotgun and burp gun, but I felt better with me having the guns ruther than them fellers.
I started home, and when I got there I seen a couple lanterns on the bridge, where Pop and Holly and the twins was teaching Little Nick and Blackie how to fish. I turned in toward our shack to wash up before I went to the bridge. As I come to the steps I spotted a shadow ducking behind one of the pilings that held up the back of our place. I was a little jumpy from that hunting trip I had been on. All I could think of was that one of them fellers had managed to get out of the piney wood and had run back here to lay for me. I should have knowed that couldn't happen, but I just warn't thinking good. I dropped the shotgun and put the burp gun on automatic fire.
"Who's that?" I said.
Nobody answered, but that piling was thicker than it had ought to be. I run under the shack, dodging from one piling to another, and come up on one side of that thick pihng while the feller behind it was peeking out around the other side.
I jabbed the muzzle of the burp gun in his ribs and said, "I gotcha."
When he turned, I seen I had made a mistake. It was only Carmine. He warn't laying for me, neither, on account of he had a wrapped package in one hand and a gallon jug in the other, ruther than his brass knuckles. But I didn't have time to say I was sorry. Carmine took one look at that burp gun, and dropped the package and the gallon jug and run like mad. He didn't even stop at Little Nick's and Blackie's place but kept right on down the road to the mainland. I didn't blame him, because the last thing you want to have counting your ribs is the end of a burp gun.
I picked up the gallon jug and unscrewed the top and gave a sniff. It was kerosene. It seemed likely Carmine had asked Pop could he borrow some off us for a lantern, on account of me ripping out the switch box in their place the night before and leaving them with no lights. I didn't know what was in the package but it could have been a lantern, even if it was a mite small for one. I knowed Little Nick and Blackie would need light in their place when they got through fishing, so I took the jug of kerosene and the package over to their place and opened the front door and stuck them inside. I went back to our shack and washed up and headed for the bridge, taking the burp gun along to show Blackie on account of he had an interest in guns.
I come onto the bridge and called, "Hello, folks. How is the fishing?"
I must of startled Little Nick. He had been leaning over the rail, and when I called he almost fell in the water. Blackie was on edge about something, too, because he whirled around and went into a crouch.
Little Nick got his balance and said, "Blackie, if he's carrying what I think he's carrying, don't make no wrong moves."
Pop asked, "What you got there, Toby?" "A little old burp gun I picked up in the woods, Pop."
Holly swung a lantern so the light shone on me. "Toby Kwimper!" she said. "What is that awful thing?"
Eddy and Teddy come running up, and Eddy said, "It's a real one! It's a real one!" He wheeled around on Teddy and aimed his arms like he had a burp gun and shook all over and said, "Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da!"
Teddy grabbed his stomach and folded over his hands and melted down onto the bridge. Then he squirmed around and went BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA at Eddy, and Eddy grabbed his throat and went down, and they both kicked a couple times and lay still.
Blackie said in a queer voice, "What'll those kids take to lay off that stuff?"
That is the wrong way to handle kids, and both Eddy and Teddy flopped around and went BA-DA-DA-DA- DA-DA-DA at Blackie, and Blackie sort of shrunk back.
Holly said, "That's enough, you two. You're getting this bridge all bloody."
Blackie said, "I think I'm getting ready to be sick."
Pop said, "I been trying to figger how you go about picking up a little old burp gun out in the woods, and I ain't got it worked out yet."
"A feller had it that was shooting at me," I said. "Well, he warn't really shooting at me because I didn't happen to be where he thought I was. I come up in back and took it off him."
Holly said, "Oh Toby, you might have been hurt!"
"Well," I said, "he did kind of kick my shin when he took off from there after I grabbed the burp gun, but he didn't mean to and was only using me for a starting block like the fellers did in school running the hunched yard dash."
Little Nick said, "Did . . . did he say anything before you chopped him down?"
"Why, there warn't no call to shoot him once I had his burp gun," I said. "I just left him there with the other three fellers to sober up till morning."
Blackie said, "The . . . other . . . three?"
"Oh, there was four of them," I said. "I reckon they was all drunk because they almost hit me coming along in their car. So when they stopped, I snuck up and took their ignition key so they couldn't do no more drunk driving. Them fellers was going hunting. They got sore when I grabbed the ignition key, and come after me. I led them about a mile west of the road and left them there to sober up, after I got their burp gun and shotgun and their two pistols and flashlights. Them things is not legal for hunt-
· yy
mg.
Little Nick said, "Where did you learn about burp guns?"
"At Fort Dix," I said. "I learned to shoot them right good. But for deer I will take a thirty-thirty rifle any old day. A burp gun is good for nothing but chopping a feller down at short range."
Blackie said to Little Nick, "The guy's dr
iving me nuts, playing around like this."
"I know what you mean," Little Nick said. He turned to me and said, "Why don't you say right out what you came here for?"
"Why, I did," I said. "The first thing I said when I come out was how is the fishing."
"Is he kidding?" Little Nick said to Blackie.
Blackie said, "I'm getting to the point where I just don't know."
"Oh, and by the way," I said. "I put that jug of kerosene and the package in your place."
"You what!" Little Nick yelled.
"The jug of kerosene Carmine had just borrowed off us," I said. "I figured maybe the package had a little lantern in it. I come up on Carmine at our shack and the burp gun scared him and he dropped everything and run toward the mainland."
Blackie gasped, "You put them in our place?"
"Right inside the door where you can find them easy."
"Jeez!" Blackie said to Little Nick. "Let's go!"
Little Nick grabbed his arm. "Wait!" he said. He looked at his wrist watch. "Too late," he said. "Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Zero. There she goes."
Boom!
The roof of Little Nick's and Blackie's place lifted a couple feet and the front wall bugged out and squirts of flame splashed around.
"Fire!" I yelled. "Fire!"
"Is he kidding?" Little Nick said to Blackie.
"I still don't know," Blackie said.
"I'm through here," Little Nick said. "Every pass with the dice I been crapping out. Let's go."
Blackie looked at me, and said to Little Nick, "Yeah, if we can make it."
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