"I'll try not to," the judge said. "Fortunately I'm five eleven and three-quarters. Now let's see. The only point you didn't comment on was that word-association test Miss Claypoole gave you. Would you care to see her report?"
"Well, no, Judge. I reckon I would just get embarrassed, like I done the time she give it to me."
"Then if nobody has anything else to bring up," the judge said, "I'm ready to make a few comments about all this. I—yes, young lady?"
Holly had jumped up and was waiting to talk. She said, "Can I come up and ask you something privately, Judge?"
The judge said it was all right, and Holly went up and whispered to him a while. Finally the judge looked at Miss Claypoole and said, "This young lady brought up an interesting matter. She points out that most of the testimony has dealt with Toby Kwimper, whereas actually his father has been responsible for the twins. And we have very little testimony about the mental and moral qualifications of the father. The young lady suggests that Miss Claypoole give a word-association test right now to Elias Kwimper, and interpret it for me. How do you feel about that, Miss Claypoole?"
"I'd be delighted, Your Honor."
"Good," the judge said. "Now we need a few ground rules. The young lady pointed out that your tone of voice, Miss Claypoole, might influence tire answers that Mr. Kwimper gives. So I suggest that you write down your list of words and give them to me. I'll take Mr. Kwimper into my clerk's office, and go through the list with him one word at a time, and write down his answers. Then you can have the hst back, and study it and give us your analysis."
Well, everybody in the room thought that was fine but Pop and me, and nobody was asking us what we thought. Miss Claypoole set for a while writing out her list, and the judge took it and went off with Pop.
I said to Holly, "The way them tests work out, I hope they have visiting hours when we can see Pop again."
"I don't think you're giving him enough credit," Holly said.
"I don't think you are giving that Miss Claypoole enough credit. It won't do Pop no good to make a hundred on this test if Miss Claypoole has her mind set on proving he got it all wrong."
"We'll see," Holly said.
After a while they come back into the room. Pop was looking cheered up and it was nice he could stay happy a bit longer. The judge give Miss Claypoole the list, and she studied it and made notes, and now and then shook her head like a doctor getting ready to tell you things has gone too far.
In about ten minutes she got up and said, "Your Honor, I don't know when I've seen a more revealing collection of word associations. Would you like me to consult with you privately?"
"No, let's have it right out in the open."
"Very well, Your Honor. As you know, there were ten words on the list, each carefully selected to bring out hidden levels of motivation. The reaction to one of these words, taken by itself, would be very hard to interpret. But when we get ten reactions we can see a pattern, and can interpret accordingly. The first word on my list was court, and Mr. Kwimper associated that in his thoughts with the word crime. This of course shows a fear of legal processes; court is a place where you have to go when you have been caught breaking a law."
The judge said, "Just out of curiosity, what would have been your reaction if the word court had been thrown at you?"
"Perhaps the word justice, Your Honor."
"Thank you, Miss Claypoole. Please go on."
"The second word was girl, and the reaction was the word boy. If the overall pattern of responses had been different, this might look like an innocent association of words. As it is, however, I'm inclined to say that it shows an unhealthy sex fixation. The third word was election, and Mr. Kwimper was reminded of the word fight. This falls into the pattern of a lawless nature."
"Isn't it possible," the judge said, "that he might have been thinking of an election fight merely in the way a lot of people do?"
"I don't believe so, Your Honor. I believe he was thinking of an election as something to be settled by physical violence rather than by democratic processes. Now the fourth word was law. His reaction was the word books. This shows a belief that law is not a real living thing but something dead that is embalmed in books."
"There were some law books in sight in the clerk's office, Miss Claypoole. Maybe a look at them gave him the answer."
"It's possible, Your Honor, but it doesn't fit the overall pattern. The fifth word was child, and he responded with the word labor. Obviously he thinks of children in terms of exploiting their labor."
"Could he have merely been thinking of the Child Labor laws?"
"I doubt if he ever heard of them, Your Honor. The sixth word was wife, and his reaction was cousin. This definitely links up with the inbreeding among the Kwimpers."
"I don't suppose his wife could have a cousin who might be coming to visit them, or something like that?"
"Your Honor, if he has a wife, his wife is his cousin. Now the seventh word was truth, and the answer was He. This shows the blending of both concepts in his mind. He is unable to distinguish one from the other. The eighth word was moon, and he replied with the word shine. Moonshine is of course liquor made illegally, and once again this shows his preoccupation with lawlessness."
"He couldn't have been thinking of that song that goes, Shine on, Harvest Moon?"
"Highly unlikely, Your Honor. The ninth word was trick, and he came up with the word treat. In other words, tricking a person is a real treat."
The judge said, "This is almost the end of October, and Trick-or-Treat night is coming along. Do you think—"
"No, I don't, Your Honor."
"No, I guess not. Please go on."
"The tenth and final word was God. Mr. Kwimper's response was the word damn, indicating that the name of the Deity merely brings profanity to his mind."
"Well I'll be God damned," the judge said.
"Your Honor!" Miss Claypoole said.
"I beg your pardon. It just slipped out, Miss Claypoole."
"Yes, of course. I can see how it might. Well, Your Honor, that's the analysis. I could refine it by further study, but the basic interpretation wouldn't change. I hope you found it helpful."
"As a matter of fact," the judge said, "I didn't really need it at all, but the young lady asked for it and I wanted to be fair. Now—did you have something to say, young man?"
The judge had caught me whispering to Pop, and was looking at me. "I was just talking to Pop, Judge," I said.
"Anything I should know about, young man?"
"Judge," I said, "all I said to Pop was he done even worse on that test than I done."
"I thought there was a very close relationship between both tests," the judge said. "That's natural, I suppose. Well now. You Kwimpers haven't had a lawyer. I wish you'd had one, because he'd be summing up your case now, and I'd be interested to see how he'd try to handle it. Let's see. Probably he'd get up and put a fatherly look on his face, and come up and lean one arm right there on the desk in front of me. That would be to show he was taking me into his confidence. Like this." The judge got up from back of his desk and went around in front and leaned one arm on it and looked in a real solemn way at the empty chair. "Your Honor," he said, "you have heard a very remarkable thing today. You have heard my client come right out and agree with almost every charge that has been made against himself and his family. Today, Your Honor, we have been privileged to listen to an honest man." He stopped and turned to me and said, "How does that sound?"
"It sounds right good, Judge," I said. "Who is this honest feller?"
"That's you, young man."
Miss Claypoole jumped up and said, "Your Honor, isn't this quite irregular?"
"This isn't a trial, Miss Claypoole. It is just an informal hearing. At this moment I am merely allowing myself a little intellectual exercise."
"Well! You didn't do this for us," Miss Claypoole said.
"You presented a very strong case. I don't think a lawyer could have improved on it."
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"Thank you, Your Honor."
"Don't mention it, Miss Claypoole," the judge said. "Now where was I? Oh yes. I have just told His Honor that we have been privileged to listen to an honest man." He leaned on the desk and looked at the empty chair again, and said, "Your Honor, with your long experience in the law, your deep knowledge of human nature, and that warm and sympathetic intelligence which you bring to your work, you will already have seen the broad principles that are involved in this case." He stopped, and looked at me and Pop, and said, "Corny, isn't it?"
"I think it is real fine, Judge," I said. "Is that you that you're talking about now?"
"Um, yes. You understand, as a judge I don't believe a word of what that man just said. But as a lawyer I know it doesn't do any harm to butter up that idiot on the bench. Now let's see. Broad principles involved in this case . . ." He turned back to the empty chair and said, "What we have heard today, in the plain and modest words of this fine young man, is an epic of America. We have heard the story of a little family that found itself alone in the wilderness. With their hands they carved out a homestead, standing up bravely to thirst and hunger, just as did their forebears two and three hundred years ago. They stood off the attacks of hostile natives."
"Your Honor!" Miss Claypoole cried. "It's all right for you to have a little fun, but after all, there weren't any hostile natives."
The judge cleared his throat and said in a kind of embarrassed way, "I have to get hostile natives in here somehow. I hope you don't mind, Miss Claypoole and Mr. King, but as the lawyer for the Kwimpers I am looking on the Department of Public Welfare and the Department of Public Improvements as the hostile natives."
Mr. King said, "This is ridiculous."
The judge said, "A lawyer has a right to be ridiculous if he chooses, and I must say that they often do choose. After all, they aren't under oath. That gives them a lot of leeway. Let me get back to my hostile natives. Your Honor, the little settlement met the attacks of the hostile natives with true American courage, and it survived. Others came to join the settlement. Then, just as happened so many times along the frontier, the lawless element came in—the gambler, the gun fighter, the saloon keeper. To what law could the little settlement turn for aid? There was no law, Your Honor. There was no help from outside. The tiny settlement must stand or fall on its own. And it stood! Yes, it stood, Your Honor! The good people of the settlement rose up in their just anger, and made laws, and swept out the men of evil. By God, Your Honor, it was as good as any western on television!" He thumped his fist on the desk, and then turned to us and said, "I like that television angle, don't you?"
"If them TV shows is as good as that, Judge," I said, "we will have to get us a set."
"Don't pay the list price," the judge said. "You can get a good discount if you shop around." He walked up and down a couple of times, and then turned back to the empty chair behind the desk. "Your Honor," he said, "the frontier may have vanished from America, but here and there its spirit still lives on. It lives on in these good people who have told you their story today. These, Your Honor, are the last pioneers. You have heard them called crazy. Were they crazy before they became pioneers, when they were getting such things as relief and Unemployment Compensation and Aid to Dependent Children and Total Disability payments from the government? Ah no, Your Honor. Somebody may have been crazy then, but it was not the Kwimpers. Were they crazy when they tossed aside all these things and began making their way alone in the wilderness? Your Honor, if they were, then all the strong-hearted people who settled this great land were crazy. You have heard this fine young man who speaks for them admit that they were 'ornery.' Yes, Your
Honor, they are ornery. They are the kind of ornery people who built our nation. We could use more of them today.
"You have heard some amazing tales of how these last pioneers met and overcame their troubles. No ordinary people could have done this. The young man whose honesty has so enthralled us is a far cry from today's youth. His exploits are those of the saga, the epic, the legend. His strength is as the strength of ten because his heart is pure. This is not merely Toby Kwimper you see before you, Your Honor. This is Dan'l Boone and Davy Crockett and Johnny Appleseed and Paul Bunyan. Your Honor, I do not ask you to rule today in favor of my clients. I ask you to rule in favor of America! Thank you, Your Honor." He mopped his face some, and pulled himself around the desk like he was wore out, and set down in his chair. "Well," he said, "I don't think I ever heard a man give a better closing argument."
"Judge," I said, "now that I seen what a lawyer can do, I reckon we need one."
"If I do say so myself," the judge said, "you'll never get a better one than you just had."
Miss Claypoole said, "Now that you have had your— what did you call it, intellectual exercise?—I hope we can get back to business, Your Honor."
"Oh yes," the judge said. "Thank you for reminding me, Miss Claypoole. Your request for a court order is denied."
"Your Honor!" Miss Claypoole said.
"I don't want you to think I talked myself into it," the judge said. "I had already made up my mind."
"But Your Honor," Miss Claypoole said, "after all our testimony! And after I analyzed the word-association test right in front of you and proved how shocking a character that man has!"
"Oh, that reminds me," the judge said. "Mr. Kwimper didn't take the test. I took it."
17
EVERYBODY was happy about the way that hearing came out except maybe Miss Claypoole and Mr. King, and they didn't stay around to say if they was happy or not. The rest of us talked to the judge a while, and it turned out he was a real nice feller even if he hadn't showed up very good in that word-association test. It come out in the talk that Holly had put the idea in his head of him taking the test instead of Pop, on account of she thought I hadn't done too good in talking up for us. But the judge said he would have been on our side, test or no test.
"How long is it," the judge said, "before you folks can put in your claim for that land?"
"Day after tomorrow," Pop said.
"Don't waste any time getting in your claim," the judge said. "And don't let that place of yours burn down or anything. I know Art King and the Department of Public Improvements, and if you don't satisfy the exact wording of the law, they'll give you trouble."
The hearing had took a long time, and when we got out of the County Courthouse it was late in the afternoon. The wind had picked up more while we was inside. There would be a gust like the clouds had let out a heavy sigh, and the palm fronds would lay out like smoke and a little rain would hiss through them, and then the wind would suck in its breath getting ready for the next time. We drove to a drug store to celebrate with ice cream sodas all around, and talked about the hearing some more. I said I reckoned nobody could say us Kwimpers was crazy, now that a real live judge said we warn't.
Pop said, "I hope you never had no doubt."
"I never had no doubt," I said. "I just had a little question in my mind."
We finished the ice cream sodas and drove to the drawbridge and had to wait, on account of the gate was across the roadway and the red lights was on and the bridge was tipped up a little. Nothing happened in the next few minutes so I got out and walked up to the gate. A feller come out of the bridge tender's house and it was Mr. King.
"Hello there," he said. "No hard feelings about the hearing, I hope?"
"No sir," I said. "If the government is big about it, we will try to be big about it too."
"Yes, there's no use carrying on a feud. Let's see, now, you people can put in your claim in a day or so, can't you?"
"Day after tomorrow."
"Lucky for you this hurricane isn't going to hit us head on. Might lose your place if that happened."
"I reckon that wouldn't be good," I said. "Do you think we can get across this bridge pretty soon, Mr. King?"
"I don't know. Something went wrong with the machinery and it got stuck in this position. We're sending out for one
of the few mechanics who can fix it. May not get it working until tomorrow morning."
"Looks to me like only a little gap between the two halves of your bridge. I could lay down a couple boards and drive the car over."
"I couldn't allow that," Mr. King said. "A board might break, or the car might skid sideways, or the weight of a a car might start the machinery going again and send the bridge up."
"Maybe I better leave the car and run back to our place. It is not more than twelve miles."
"I couldn't let you jump across that gap in the bridge," Mr. King said. "You might slip on the wet roadway and fall through. Then everybody would blame the Department."
"Well," I said, "I wouldn't want to get you in trouble."
"I'm glad we see it the same way. And just to make sure, the State Highway Patrol has orders not to let anybody from Gulf City cross this bridge until it's fixed."
"What about the Jenkinses and Browns out by our bridge? This here storm might worry them."
"I already thought of that. One of my trucks was on the other side of this bridge, and I sent it to Bridge Number Four to pick them up. Not that I think the hurricane is going to hit us, but just to be on the safe side."
"That is right thoughtful of you," I said. "When a feller is as nice as that, I am not going to cause him no trouble, and you don't have to worry about me sneaking across this bridge while it is not fixed. I reckon we will get us a motel down the road, and I'd take it kindly if you would pass the word to the Jenkinses and Browns where we are staying."
"I'll do that," Mr. King said. "And you drop around tomorrow morning. The bridge ought to be fixed by then."
I went back to Pop and Holly and the twins and told them what the trouble was, and we drove down the road to a motel. They was real glad to have us at the motel, because they needed help putting up shutters on windows. And if the hurricane did hit Gulf City, they would need folks running around keeping windows open a bit on the side away from the blow. They said the reason you do that is to even out the air pressure, which gets too high in your house and too low on the side away from the wind. If you don't open a window, your place may have a blowout like an inner tube busting through a bad spot in a tire.
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