by Ibi Zoboi
He got into my head. It messed with my aim.
I spent the rest of my life working on my aim and trying to prove to Q that I’m a real G. I never said a word to nobody, not even Haitian Phil’s daughter. I couldn’t hate Q. I couldn’t hate my fucked-up aim. But I could hate that girl for having a dead father whose ghost fucked with me in my sleep, in broad daylight, and even when I was so high, I could hear every fucking cell in my body move.
Everything got into my head—this life, these streets out here, this fucked-up system. They all messed with my aim.
And there’s nothing left to do down here where it’s dark and empty but wait to go back. That’s my one aim.
THIRTY-TWO
KASIM’S FACE IS everywhere. Not just in my thoughts and dreams, but on TV, on the internet, on posters all over downtown. Even on T-shirts that Chantal brings home one day. His ghost is a giant. And it’s as if every part of him has been spread all over Detroit and lives in the air, in the water, and in other people’s thoughts. His arms and legs reach farther than he ever would if he was still alive. Everyone is talking about Kasim Anderson. People say, “I am Kasim Anderson.” They march to the border of Grosse Pointe with his big name and his face on big posters, and they shout, “I am Kasim Anderson!”
I remember Kasim means “divided amongst many.”
They say, He should not have been killed.
Other people say, But he was selling drugs.
Some say, But he was running. He should not have been running.
More people say that he deserved to be alive.
I hate the way they toss his name around like that—like a ball in a game. He is dead because we all killed him with our own stupid games. That’s what I say, but there is no one around to hear me.
I met his mother. She knew my name. That was all she said, my name. Her words were drowned in tears.
The people at school are quiet around me or they apologize over and over again. Imani hugs me and rubs my back whenever I see her after class.
Ms. Stanley asks me to come into the office one day. Mr. Nolan is waiting there with her.
“We wanted you to come in without your cousins, Fabiola,” she says. “We’re here for you.”
They talk some more, but I don’t hear their words.
The teachers know my story now. They know our story—the Three Bees. No. The Four Bees.
Chantal is Brains.
Donna is Beauty.
Pri is Brawn.
I am Brave. No one has to tell me this. I know it for myself.
I slip in and out of class like a ghost. My cousins and I, we fold ourselves and try to become small, small.
We don’t go to the protests downtown. We don’t talk to reporters when they come to our door. We hide.
The ghosts in the house start to crowd us. We feel them in the walls, in every room.
Kasim is not here. He is with the people—spread out over Detroit, and Michigan, and America, and maybe even the world. Divided amongst many.
No one talks about Dray. His death was not on the news. But he lingers in this house. I feel him by the doorway, never moving with the wind, as if he is stuck there.
Self-defense is the word that has been programmed into me, into us. Self-defense. Even though they found no gun to match the bullet in Dray’s head, no one digs for more answers. But some truths are buried so deep, not even the earth understands it.
I had to give a statement. I had to piece together everything about that night, and tell it to a detective man and his notebook. Chantal spoke for us with her high-pitched questioning voice.
They are watching us, Matant Jo says.
They’ve always been watching us, Chantal says.
I don’t have the heart to write my mother. I would have to put everything down in words. So I try and try to call her. The numbers are dead ends. My questions are not answered, but her name is still in their system, they say. Is she in Haiti? I ask. They can’t tell me that. Was she let out? I ask. They can’t tell me that, either.
Part of me wants to go to New Jersey to find her. The other part of me wants to leave here for good and return to Haiti. Maybe she is there already. Maybe this was never supposed to be home. Maybe I was supposed to be here just to get this Dray out of my cousins’ lives.
But what about Kasim? Why Kasim?
Divided amongst many, I remember.
I don’t call Detective Stevens. I pray that guilt has swallowed her whole.
So we all move as if we’re walking through molasses. Everything is slow and thick and threatens to suffocate us.
A black car pulls up next to me one day, while I’m waiting near a supermarket for my cousins to pick me up. I am not afraid of Dray’s people. So I stand there and look directly into the dark windows.
One rolls down. It’s Detective Stevens sitting in the backseat.
“Get in, Fabiola,” she says.
“No,” I say. My bags are heavy. It’s almost Christmas and I am planning to cook a small meal of Haitian and American food. I want to carve out a slice of happiness just for a moment so that I don’t die in this place. I don’t want to talk to her.
“I have some information on your mother,” she says.
She disarms me with this bit of truth. So I climb into the backseat with my bags. It’s warm and smells like coffee and cigarettes.
Detective Stevens turns to me. Her face is different, or maybe I am seeing her with different eyes. She doesn’t smile like when I first saw her. If I’d first seen her with this face—furrowed brows and thin, pursed lips—I would not have trusted her.
She gives me a yellow envelope. I open it. It’s cash and a woman’s name from the ICE—Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
“She’s already started the termination of proceedings,” Detective Stevens says. “ICE will drop the charges and release your mother into the United States.”
Before I leave the car, I tuck the yellow envelope inside my coat.
Papa Legba doesn’t show up at the corner anymore. I don’t hear his words. Every now and then, I try to remember one of his riddles, but it only conjures up more regret and guilt. I am superstitious about money now. It is like rainwater here. It pours from the skies. But if you try to catch all of it with wide hands and fingers spread apart—it will slip through. If you try to catch it with cupped hands, it overflows. Here, I will tilt my head back, let it pour into my mouth, and consume it.
We have to become everything that we want. Consume it. Like our lwas.
On the morning before we leave to pick up Manman, I help Pri squeeze two suitcases into the car.
It’s colder than it’s ever been and I’m not wearing any gloves. The skin between my fingers burns. It’s cracked and blistered from all the scrubbing and scrubbing. I didn’t wear any gloves, either, when I filled buckets with alcohol, bleach, and ammonia, dumped old rags and sponges in, and scrubbed death from the walls and floor of the house. The smell still lingers everywhere and sticks to our clothes and skin, and even our food. So Matant Jo is finally ready to leave this house.
We are all in white. Even Pri has shed her dark clothes and now wears a white turtleneck and pants. I had wrapped my cousins and aunt in white sheets after making a healing bath of herbs and Florida water for each one, and let them curl into themselves and cry and cry. This is what Manman had done for our neighbors who survived the big earthquake. The bath is like a baptism, and if black is the color of mourning, then white is the color of rebirth and new beginnings. Our brown skins glow against our sweaters, pants, and head scarves. We are made new again.
“You got your voodoo stuff in there, Fab?” she asks.
“Pri, you have to treat it with a little more respect. It’s not just my ‘voodoo stuff.’ It’s my life,” I say.
“So what? Without it you’re dead?”
“I don’t know, Pri. I’ve never been without my prayers and my songs. What do you hold on to?”
It’s snowing now. The white flakes dance arou
nd us as if they are part of this conversation.
“Myself. My family. Hopes. Dreams. Shit like that.”
She goes back into the house and I stand there near the car looking all around me. I rest my eyes on the street signs—American Street and Joy Road.
I notice something shift out of the corner of my eye. I turn to see Bad Leg near the lamppost. I start to make my way to him, but someone calls me from inside the house.
It’s Chantal.
By the time I turn back, he’s gone.
“Get in here, Fab!” Chantal calls out.
The kitchen is almost clean and completely empty. Matant Jo says that the stove and cabinets and even the leather couches will be a gift to the neighborhood. Even if we bolt lock the doors, they will know that we have left for good and will not return.
I start to roll up my sleeves to finish the last bit of cleaning when I hear Matant Jo wail. All of us rush to her bedroom door.
She is standing there, all dressed in white, with boxes and bags on the floor around her. Her fists are clenched; her face is tight and wet from tears. She finally breaks. Her whole body looks as if she is fighting—fighting us, herself, the air around her, this house, this city, this country, maybe. Finally, she rests her head on Pri’s shoulder and sobs. “What a life, eh. This is my whole life.”
Her daughters surround her. She cries in their arms. And I watch these girls, my blood, my family, and wonder if there is room for me.
Donna extends her arm out and I slowly walk over. They pull me in. Matant Jo’s warmth and pain is the magnet that pulls us all together.
Still, someone is missing. My mother.
We spend the next couple of hours cleaning the rest of the house and bringing out bags of garbage onto the sidewalk. Pri is the last one to walk away after Chantal locks the front door. Matant Jo is the first one in the car. She brings a box of pictures with her and sits in the front seat next to Chantal. She places two photos on the dashboard. One is of her and my mother when they were teenage girls. They are both smiling, wearing blue jeans and T-shirts, and their hair is in thick plaits. The other is of my aunt, my uncle Phillip, and my cousins when they were babies, standing in front of 8800 American Street. Uncle Phillip is holding one baby—Princess or Primadonna, I can’t tell—while Matant Jo holds the other baby. Chantal wraps her small arms around her mother’s leg as if she is afraid of whoever is taking that picture. Then I see something in the background.
I ask for the picture and bring it up close to get a better look. There, in the photo, in the background, is Bad Leg—Papa Legba—watching over the family since the very first day they moved in.
When the car pulls away from the curb of the house on American Street and drives down Joy Road, I turn to see Papa Legba leaning against the lamppost with a cigar in his hand and his cane by his side. He turns to me with his white glistening eyes and tips his hat.
I smile and nod and mouth mesi. Thank you. He has brought my mother to the other side.
I stare out the window as we drive out of Michigan. I press my forehead and fingertips against the glass. On the other side is the wide, free road. Unlike in Haiti, which means “land of many mountains,” the ground is level here and stretches as far as I can see—as if there are no limits to dreams here.
But then I realize that everyone is climbing their own mountain here in America. They are tall and mighty and they live in the hearts and everyday lives of the people.
And I am not a pebble in the valley.
I am a mountain.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
The first seeds of American Street were planted in me when I read the New York Times article “Last Stop on the L Train: Detroit.” The article was about the far-reaching gentrification of Bushwick in Brooklyn, New York, and the migration of its priced-out residents to Detroit, Michigan.
This resonated with me because Bushwick was my first home in America. I was four years old when my mother and I left Haiti to move there. I didn’t know it then, but 1980s Bushwick was described as a war zone. While our house on Hancock Street was fairly intact, other blocks were lined with burned-out buildings and open lots littered with torn mattresses and old tires. When I read that New York Times article, I kept thinking about the parallels between present-day Detroit and the Bushwick I grew up in. I thought about writing a book that rides the train from Bushwick to Detroit and tells the story of an immigrant girl who, like me, found her way to the other side, out of poverty and chaos.
While working on American Street, I pulled from my own memories of living in between cultures, the experiences I had in high school, and the many tragic stories about the violence and trauma that girls have endured. In Haiti, many girls dream of the freedom to live without the constraints of oppression. Yet more often than not, these girls and their families leave their home countries only to move to other broken and disenfranchised communities. I kept thinking about how these girls balance their own values and culture with the need to survive and aim for the American dream.
One girl in particular stuck out in my mind. When Trayvon Martin was killed in Florida in February of 2012, he had been on the phone with Rachel Jeantel, the daughter of a Haitian immigrant. During her testimony in the George Zimmerman trial, I recognized a little bit of myself in Rachel, and in the many Haitian teen girls I’ve worked with over the years. We fold our immigrant selves into this veneer of what we think is African American girlhood. The result is more jagged than smooth. This tension between our inherited identity and our newly adopted selves filters into our relationships with other girls and the boys we love, and into how we interact with the broken places around us. I saw Fabiola in these girls, and that’s how this story was truly born.
Above all, I wanted to give Fabiola a strong cultural connection to Haiti so that she’s spiritually grounded when faced with tough decisions. While Vodou is practiced by many in the Haitian diaspora, it still has a negative stereotype in the media as being associated with evil and witchcraft. Vodou has a complex pantheon and mythological system, much like Greek and Roman mythologies. Through Fabiola’s eyes, her new world and the people who inhabit it are just as complex and magical as her beloved saints and lwas. She infuses Vodou into everything that happens to her. This is the source of her courage, and I think she is more American because of it—this merging of traditions, this blending of cultures from one broken place to another. I remember those rides on the L train with my mother, my broken Bushwick, and graffiti covering every inch of the subway cars. I once saw a young man steal a diamond ring right off a woman’s finger. My mother pulled me in close and prayed under her breath. We’d made it to the other side, just like Fabiola, but what was this life? I don’t know what my path would have been like if I had grown up in Haiti, but I know this much is true: I would not have told this story.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
In Haiti, before a storyteller begins her tale, she asks her audience for permission with a single call, “Krik?” Her listeners respond with a collective “Krak!” before she can begin. This book would not be possible without a whole village’s resounding “Krak!” Thank you, dear reader, for allowing me to share this gift of story.
Thank you to my manman cherie, Monique, who envisioned a life beyond the sunsets, where I was free to dream up stories. I am immensely grateful for my husband, Joseph, whose unwavering support has allowed me to write down said stories well into parenthood. Our three children are the reasons for everything. My dear sisters, Ingrid and Carine, merci for keeping the memory of my beloved Ayiti alive in my stories. Thank you, Theresa and Garvey, for your humor and youthful wisdom. Thank you to my late father, Marcel, a pioneering radio broadcaster whose storytelling genes are hardwired into my blood and bones.
Ammi-Joan Paquette, thank you for always championing my ideas and visions. I am truly honored to have you as a literary agent, and to be a part of the wonderful EMLA.
If these characters have found a home in this story, and this story has found a home in this book, t
hen this book has found a home at Balzer + Bray/HarperCollins. I could not be more proud. Thank you, Alessandra Balzer, for loving this book from the very beginning. Donna Bray, Kelsey Murphy, Kate Jackson, Suzanne Murphy, Andrea Pappenheimer, Kerry Moynagh, Kathy Faber, Caroline Sun, Patty Rosati, Molly Motch, Nellie Kurtzman, Bess Braswell, Elizabeth Ward, Julie Yeater, Sabrina Abballe, Alison Donalty, Mark Rifkin, Renée Cafiero, and Lillian Sun, you’ve all made my dreams come true.
And thank you to Team Fabulous at Alloy. Hayley Wagreich, you’ve dedicated so much to this story and these characters; clearly, we’ve had so many mind-melding moments. Thank you, Natalie Sousa and Elaine Damasco, for capturing the beauty of this story on the cover. She is truly gorgeous. Josh Bank, Joelle Hobeika, Sara Shandler, and Les Morgenstein, thank you for crossing uncharted roads and paving new paths. It has been a wonderful journey.
Edwidge Danticat and the many literary daughters of Anacaona before me, every word committed to the page is in your honor. Merci, Merline St. Preux for this seed of a story.
Thank you, Rita Williams-Garcia, Jason Reynolds, Laura Ruby, and Nicola Yoon for your kind and thoughtful words.
Dhonielle, Gbemi, Jenn, Renée, and Tracey, thank you for keeping this sistership afloat with lots of tea, no shade, desserts, wine, and coins!
I am grateful for my beloved Allies in Wonderland, and the whole WCYA program at VCFA, where I discovered that wondrous imaginative play and critical academic study can happily coexist, and that this will be my lifelong work.
Finally, thank you to the many Detroit natives in my circle. Professor Ebony Elizabeth Thomas, you are golden. Your love for this work is palpable. Thank you for opening many doors, namely, Gregoire Eugene-Louis and Dr. Kafi Kumasi.
And to the late Brook Stephenson, thank you for your love of Detroit, and Brooklyn, and writers, and books, and life.
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