by Laura Brown
Aunt Toni wrapped an arm around Mom, the moisture in her eyes agreement enough.
My own eyes felt a little wet. “Thank you,” I signed to Mom.
Several hours later, I waved good-bye to our last guest and closed the front door. Mom had retreated to the kitchen, and I went to help her clean. I found her sitting at the table, two cups of coffee in front of her. I took the opposite seat.
Worry lines creased her forehead. “Related to Dad”—she turned her mug until the handle faced her—“did you read the letter?”
Wasn’t expecting that. “Val?”
Mom nodded. “I’m your mother. You get a letter from the adoption agency. I’m allowed to be curious.”
“Not yet.”
“Do you plan to read it?”
I shrugged. “Why would I read a letter from a family who gave me up twenty years ago?”
Mom sipped her coffee. “You don’t know why.”
“Dad had a lot of theories.”
“Yes, he did. None of them true. He was scared. We heard stories of biological parents stealing back adopted children. And he’d seen situations where genetics trumps how a child is raised. We love you. All we ever wanted was the best for you. If anything, we had a bad taste in our mouths, finding a language-starved three-year-old and wondering how they could have ignored your needs.”
I reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “Thank you for adopting me.”
She grasped me when I tried to pull back and kissed my knuckles. “I’d pick you again a million times and never regret it. Same as Dad.”
I stared at the steam rising from my mug and took a sip.
“You might get some answers if you read the letter.”
“You say the same thing about the video message Dad left.”
“Both are true. You don’t have to do anything with the letter, only read it.”
I took another sip of the too-hot coffee for distraction. “I don’t want to read something I don’t want to know.”
Mom sighed. “Knowledge is power. Don’t live in fear of the unknown.”
“I’ll think about it.”
I did think about it. I thought about all the deep shit of the day as I drove back to my apartment. Carli, Dad, and the letter, a fucking weight on my shoulders. In the darkness of my room, I stretched my neck in much-needed solitude. Val and Willow were spending the night at Willow’s parents’. I had the place to myself, perfect for brooding without prying eyes.
By ten I was fed up with thinking and scrolling through my Facebook feed in the dark of my bedroom. My eyelids grew heavy. One minute I was watching a video in ASL and the next my phone vibrated in my hands, jerking me to attention. A text from Carli scrolled across the top of the black screen.
Carli: You still awake?
Me: I am now. You OK?
Carli: Getting better. I’m outside.
Me: Locked yourself out of your parents’ house? ;-)
Carli: Nope. I’m outside your place.
I blinked as her words registered through my sleepy haze. Carli was here? I flipped on the lights as I made my way to the kitchen door. Outside, a car sat next to the tiny patch of grass. Carli made her way to me, and all the troubling thoughts faded away.
“Why not—” and I pointed to the doorbell as she climbed the last few steps.
She paused midstep, in pajama bottoms dotted with penguins and her bulky winter coat. She pointed to me, her ear, and shook her head.
I grinned, doing my best not to laugh at how hearing she remained after all this time. I gestured her in and pressed the button. Inside the kitchen, the receivers flashed.
Carli’s jaw dropped open in awe, and she said something. She turned to face me, pointing to the light, eyes filled with wonder.
“Yes.” I closed the door and walked over to her. “Why here?”
She stepped into me, touched her cold fingers to my lips and then to a spot on her head. I didn’t understand how I managed to help her, but it felt damn good that I could. I closed the distance between us and laid my lips to her head. My heart struggled against the confines of my chest, and the smell of her shampoo flooded my nostrils. I kissed different spots on her head and face until finally, finally catching her lips with mine. Everything I felt inside tumbled out, a pure passion ready to consume us both.
She felt it too, had to, when she climbed up me. I wrapped one hand under her rear, the other on her back. She clung to my neck and sunk in deeper to an already scorching kiss.
Something in the events of the day had created an urgency I rarely unleashed. I backed her to the wall as all sense of restraint burned to ashes. I wedged one leg between hers. The minute I did, she squirmed. I needed her closer. Yesterday.
I disposed of her jacket and collected the ends of her university sweatshirt in order to pull it over her head. And blinked at what I found.
“Two?” I asked, taking in the blue sweatshirt she still wore. She was always cold, but two?
Carli glanced around, clearly looking for something to help us communicate. “Home cold.”
I suspected that was an understatement of colossal proportions. “Pity,” I signed. Then I crashed my lips back to hers, fully intending to warm her up the best way I knew how.
Under her blue sweater I found a thermal shirt that matched her pants. She wasn’t kidding about being cold. More determined than ever to warm her to boiling point, I snaked my hand under her shirt. I expected more clothing but found none, not even a bra.
She was going to be the death of me. Especially as she squirmed closer, her breast jiggling in my hand. She pulled my shirt over my head. I wasn’t ready to let go of her just yet and allowed the shirt to dangle on my arm. I rubbed her smooth skin, and she stopped kissing me. She looked at the wall and then back at me, her eyebrows raised in question.
I hadn’t contemplated that far, but now that she had . . . I smiled at her. Yes, the wall in the kitchen would be just fine. Take advantage of having the apartment all to ourselves.
Only I wasn’t prepared. I could either carry her to my room or set her down and grab a condom. I looked at her. I looked at the wall. I held up a finger as I removed my leg wedged between hers. “Stay.” If I tried anything more complex, I’d be a blubbering idiot. Didn’t matter if she had full ASL comprehension.
I jogged down the hall and into my bedroom, nearly fumbling with the condom in my haste to get back to Carli as quickly as possible.
Once I returned I wasted no time wrapping her back into my arms and crashing my mouth to hers. An urgency took over me, and I stripped her of her pants and underwear. Once the fabric left her feet, she slipped out of her shoes and wrapped her legs around me.
This woman always threatened to make me last a nanosecond.
She rubbed against my leg, the same urgency I felt displayed in each little shift of her body. She let go of my lips and pulled her final top over her head. My eyes ate up her body, every inch of her pale skin glistening in the kitchen light. I was rock hard and straining against my bottoms, and I needed the last barrier gone. I pushed and squirmed until my pants were around my ankles, then kicked them off. My entire body felt on fire, and I knew I was rushing.
I had passed cool ten minutes ago.
I bit the wrapper open and rolled on the condom. All the while, Carli remained pinned between my body and the wall, squirming enough to drive me crazy. I angled her and thrust inside, nearly setting off rockets at the sensation of her surrounding me.
Her head fell back against the wall. The expression on her face matched everything I felt. I pulled out and thrust back in. She dug her nails into my back. I pulled out again and pushed a little deeper. As I continued to move, time slowed to a halt. My heart thumped to the pace we set, our bodies slick against one another, my heart as connected to Carli as our bodies.
My body reared up, head and mind in sync. The tingling started, the warning bell flashing in the corner of my mind. But Carli hadn’t come yet. In fact, she still writhed. I to
ok her earlobe into my mouth, tongue flicking the lobe around her silver hoop. Her body arched into me before finally letting loose.
She drank me into her with her climax. I tried to fuel her, but two thrusts later I lost my own battle and let her body suck me dry.
That was . . . Wow.
I lowered us both to the floor, ending up flat on my back with her on my chest. Never had I experienced anything quite that mind-blowing. Something Dad had told me came to mind with sudden clarity: “Sex is better when it’s with someone you love.”
My heart rate refused to slow. Dammit. Mom and Aunt Toni were right. I looked to Carli, still breathing heavily herself with her head on my chest, a beautiful smile planted on her face. “I’m falling in love with you.”
Dude, stop signing. I shook my head, hoping like hell that sign hadn’t been taught to her yet and wouldn’t be anytime soon. I kissed her, needing to taste her after a revelation like that.
She pulled back and crawled away from me, and I wondered if she knew. She returned with her phone, trembling at my side, skin breaking out in goose bumps. I grabbed the phone from her, part avoidance if she had understood.
Me: Why don’t we get under my blankets?
Then if we needed to talk, we could. God I hoped we didn’t need to talk.
Carli: I have to get back to my parents’ house. They aren’t too keen on missing children. So now I feel like a prick: Thanks for the sex, have to run!
I laughed at her note. Thank God! I hauled her up my body and kissed her.
Me: Stop by for sex anytime.
Carli: If I have a massive headache again tomorrow, you’ll be seeing me.
My smile faded. Her headaches bothered me. Not just because I didn’t want her to be in pain, but the nagging feeling that it was something else returned. I rubbed a hand over her forehead.
“I’m fine,” she signed.
I barely resisted shaking my head. “You’re always fine.”
She disentangled herself from my arms and got dressed. I ran to the bathroom, disposed of the condom, and then grabbed my pants on my way back. I had just pulled them over my hips when she pointed to my pants with questions in her eyes.
My father raised a better gentleman than that, certain activities in the kitchen ignored. I picked up my phone.
Me: It’s late; I’ll follow you home.
Carli: It’s Black Friday. The drunks are home on turkey hangovers, and the shoppers are making sure they get to the mall in one piece to fight over some item that’s an additional 10 percent off.
Me: Where did Bitter Carli come from?
Carli: Welcome to Holiday Carli. I’m sorry. I normally keep this all inside. You’re getting the nitty-gritty part of me.
What did it mean if her words only made me want her more? She pulled on her second sweater, and as soon as her head popped free, I held her face in my hands. I pressed my lips to hers, my heart pumping emotions I could no longer deny.
“I like you. A-L-L of you. I’m falling in love with you.” I rubbed my thumbs over her cheeks, letting the sign hang in the air, letting the scary emotions find purchase.
“I like you too.”
Her words hit a tender spot in my heart. It wasn’t equal footing. I didn’t think for one second she was where I was. But I wasn’t ready to go there any further. Better this way. I kissed her some more, needing it to soothe the ache in my chest. Then I let her go, alone, after she promised to text me once she arrived.
I watched until her taillights disappeared down the street. I’d just handed over my heart to an unsuspecting recipient. And I had no idea what to do about it.
Chapter Twenty-One
Carli
WITH THREE WEEKS of the semester left, the pressure was on. In January I’d be full-time student teaching. A scary thought: my journey of being a full-fledged student ended in three more weeks. All too soon I would be on the other side of the classroom.
I couldn’t focus on that at the moment. No, at the moment I needed to focus on my notes from Dr. Ashen’s class. They were strewn all over Reed’s queen-size bed as I tried to make sense out of what I’d jotted down when my head ached up to killjoy level.
Reed answered my frequent questions from his position on the floor. He leaned against his dresser, his own notes on his lap. The notebook passed between us like a hot potato, fragments of our entire relationship concealed between the pages.
He wrote and turned the paper around for me to read.
You really were half-asleep in class.
I nodded as I reached for the notebook. Killjoy level meant I fell asleep during break. Not my shining moment.
Yup. All I could think of was, how am I going to handle being a teacher if I can’t handle a three-hour class?
Reed frowned at my note and moved up to the bed with me. I rested my chin on his shoulder, reading as he wrote.
You are amazing. You never let on that you’re in pain, yet it’s constant. Look at your work all over the bed. Insane, to me, but you found ways to make it work for you. Just think of a struggling student—how you’ll be able to help them by being you, by being unconventional, by knowing there isn’t a right and wrong way to learn.
My heart swelled at his words, at his support. At his utter acceptance of me. He didn’t need Perfect Carli. He saw my flaws and for some reason wanted more. I pulled him to me, kissing him with everything I felt. Something inside multiplied, and divided, and yielded in a square root. The result? Confirmation that Reed had broken my ranking system. My heart had latched on and refused to let go.
He pulled back. “No. Study.”
I licked my lips in invitation, and he got off the bed like I was lava. I laughed and picked my work back up.
A few hours later, Reed had left to pick up dinner and I relaxed at the kitchen table with Val and Willow. Or rather, Willow, as Val was watching Reed leave.
“Okay, he’s gone.” She scurried over to the table. “Now, spill. You two look happy together.”
I laughed. “I guess so. What’s there to spill?”
Val tapped her fingers together before speaking and signing. “Let’s see, Reed’s more relaxed than he’s been in years and has that perma-smile on his face.” Val looked at me pointedly. “Which matches yours.”
I felt my cheeks. Damn, she was right. “He makes me happy. He’s unlike anyone else in my life.”
Willow turned to Val and signed something voice off, something that included the same sign I’d seen from Reed Thanksgiving night.
“Wait, what was that?” I asked, and noticed my hands had moved with my voice.
“What was what?” Willow asked.
“That sign.” I did my best to copy it. “I’ve seen that sign before. What does it mean?”
Willow and Val exchanged a look. “Where did you see that sign?” Val asked, caution in her voice.
I was missing something here. “Reed.”
Both of them squealed and were back to voice off signing.
I banged on the table. “Hello, asking a question here. What does that mean?”
“Does Reed normally sign and not explain to you?” Willow asked.
“No.”
“Did he explain this one?”
“No.” And all the dictionaries were set up to search from English. I had no means of searching from ASL as I could with the Spanish I took in high school.
“Then we really shouldn’t.” Val grabbed Willow’s hands and gave her a look that clearly said to keep quiet. Willow pouted but didn’t come to my rescue.
“Come on. If the two of you are flipping out over this, shouldn’t I have the same information? I’ve obviously shared something big. So now you two know something private, and I’m left clueless.” I threw my hands in the air in frustration.
Val sighed and let go of Willow’s hands.
Willow sat up straight. “Was this the sign?” She did what I had seen from Reed, her pointer finger moving from chin down and out to her hand.
I nodded.
Her effervescence faded and her face took on a serious tone. “What are your feelings for him?”
I rolled my head back and groaned. “How the hell does that relate?”
“It relates,” Val said. “Have you two talked about your feelings for each other?”
“I don’t see how . . . ” The night in question came to mind, the look in his eyes, the shaking of his head after he signed the first time. “This”—I copied the sign—“has to do with feelings?”
They both nodded.
“Tell me,” I pleaded.
“Answer my question first,” Willow said. “What are your feelings for him?”
I took a deep breath. My emotions were classified information, even from myself. Sealed in a manila envelope and hidden in a vault. I needed something for Willow and Val and found the only explanation I had. “He’s broken my ranking system.”
“Close enough.” Val got up, and checked out the window. “It means ‘falling in love.’ ”
My mouth dropped open and my heart tried to climb out of my chest and hug Val.
Willow held up her hands. “Now, did he sign anything else with that? This might not be the full story here.”
I tried to think, but my brain was suddenly scrambled and fighting over the combination of the vault. “There was something else. I can’t remember what. Could he really be falling for me?”
“Don’t sound so surprised.”
“I am. I’m not the girl who guys like.”
“Why, because of your ears?” Willow smirked. “Think about it. You’re not disabled to him, or to us.”
“I don’t feel disabled around him. Or you two.” The words came out before I fully contemplated them. I didn’t feel disabled. My entire life I’d been forced to hide my hearing loss, felt less than because of it. Reed had changed more than my ranking system.
Val smiled. “Good. Now it’s up to you if you want to show him you know what that sign means or not. Just remember, he thinks you don’t.”