by B. A. Wolfe
“I’ll be at the next one too. Like I said, I’m in,” I told him, squeezing his hand tighter.
He squeezed my hand with a firm grip. He didn’t have to say anything. I already knew how grateful he was. What he didn’t know was how grateful I was for him.
Thirty-Three
BEING WITH JASON WAS EASY. It was as though the sun was always shining down on us, warming our skin, rain or shine. Everything with him was pure bliss and maybe it was what people referred to as the honeymoon stage, but I honestly didn’t care. Honeymoon stage or not, the affection and feelings we had for one another couldn’t even be classified as a stage. It felt like it was in a category all of its own.
Three days passed so quickly that it seemed as though we were on fast forward. I wanted it to slow down but it wouldn’t. The whirlwind never stopped. Between kicking his ass at Scrabble a few more times (which only made him believe that I was for sure cheating), another dialysis trip full of meaningless but powerful conversation, and sleeping in his arms every night, my world started piecing itself back together. I especially loved the moment when I got Jase to agree to attend college with me in the spring. It took some major convincing on my end, but he finally caved. He planned to take only a couple of classes until he felt comfortable enough with a full schedule. It made me proud that he was taking the leap again. I told him that I’d find him a dialysis center and would be there for him in any way I could be. He could count on me, just like I could count on him. He made sure that I knew without a doubt in my mind that he would be there for the baby and me. Knowing I had his support warmed me over. He felt certain it was a boy and I was positive I would be in all sorts of trouble if he were correct.
My car was finally fixed and, just as Jason said it would once Moose finished, looked completely perfect. She was as good as new, and parked out front of the Bradley’s house. It wasn’t going anywhere, and neither was I. After talking with Trish, Bart, and Jason, we agreed that I would be staying until Jason and I left for college. It was an extremely emotional conversation, but one of the easiest decisions I’ve ever made. As I said before, these three days were a whirlwind of emotion, love, and happy moments that I would never forget.
It was on day four though when the most magical thing happened. A call came that would change the life of the man who was changing me.
“It’s time.” Jason said as he flipped his phone closed.
“You’re not kidding, are you?” I asked in pure shock and disbelief that it was really happening.
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “This is it, Sweetheart. It’s real. I have a kidney waiting for me.”
“Oh my God,” I cried, putting my hands to my face as I tried to keep up with wiping them away, but it wasn’t possible. They streamed like a raging river flowing out of control.
I could see his happy face through the pools flooding in my eyes. He walked over and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in for a hug. “You’re going to make me cry,” he whispered in my ear, sending shivers down my spine.
“I’m sorry.” I bawled into his chest. “I just didn’t think you’d get one so soon.”
“You’re my good luck charm, I guess.” He released his arms from around me and cupped his hands on both sides of my face. “We gotta go, Sweetheart.”
His lips curled into a smile that I would never get tired of seeing. This one, though, was like watching a kid who just received the ultimate birthday gift. It was like the cherry that topped a towering sundae, and he was finally able to dig in.
“Okay,” I replied.
He used his thumbs to wipe the tears from the corners of my eyes, and then gently pressed his lips to my forehead. I inhaled deeply before we both gathered a few things from his room. He had an overnight bag that he was putting together while I grabbed a few items of my own. I looked over at Jason; he looked completely happy. I couldn’t help but stop what I was doing to watch him. He was calm and relaxed as he carefully placed items in his bag, his lips curled up as far as they could go. He looked up and caught me staring at him.
“I’m sorry. I’m just astounded that you aren’t anxious and freaking out right now. I’m so excited that I feel like I’m going to piss my pants or need to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming.”
He zipped his bag shut, set it on the bed, and walking over to me, placed a hand on my cheek. “I’m freaking out inside, Sweetheart,” he said as his eyes stayed focused on mine. “But because I have you here with me, I know that everything is going to be okay. It makes all of this that much easier. You, my pretty girl, are the only thing keeping me from having a full out ‘can’t breathe, can’t move’, heart-stopping panic attack because I’m so nervous. It’s all you, Sweetheart.”
I had no clue how I was helping with any of this. His kidney was the gift, not me. Either way, I couldn’t help but feel his words washing over me, enveloping me, and warming my soul.
“Do you have everything you need?” he asked, his eyes fixed on mine.
“I do.”
“I just need to grab a few more things. I’ll meet you upstairs?”
“Okay,” I answered, still feeling cozy from his words as I grabbed my few items and walked upstairs to wait.
I pulled out my phone and texted Melanie that he had a kidney and we were on our way to the hospital. She responded exactly as I thought she would, wanting to know which hospital to meet us at. I typed Prairie Medical Hospital. Within seconds, she responded that she was leaving and would be there as soon as she could. I put my phone in my purse and waited for Jase. My body was heavy with anxiety as the surrealism of it all set in. He finally got a kidney, but that didn’t take away from what was going to happen today. Receiving an organ was major, life-changing surgery. I started to get more nervous the longer I sat and thought about it. I wasn’t left with a wondering mind long as he came walking upstairs, his bag in tow, and a cowboy hat to complete the ecstatic aura that surrounded him.
“Mom is picking dad up, and they are meeting us down there,” he said as we made our way out the door.
“Perfect. I guess we better go get you a kidney then, huh?”
He didn’t speak, but the way his eyes lit up said it all. We got in the truck and made the hour and a half trip to the hospital.
***
The hospital was busy, and as chaotic as it was, seemed lonely as I waited for Jason to finish being prepped for surgery. The waiting room had the usual chairs, tables, magazines, and television, but nothing could stop my racing mind as I waited alone.
The time I spent was soon interrupted when I saw Trish and Bart walking out of the elevator with Moose behind them. Relief washed over me as I watched them approach.
“Where is he?” Trish asked as she gave me the type of hug I always wanted, but never got, from my mother. I squeezed her back and told her that Jason was getting prepped and that we would be able to see him shortly.
“Okay, I’m going to see what paperwork I need to fill out. I’ll be right back,” she said in a hurry to get to the medical counter. Everyone was on edge as the nerves started setting in. This moment, even though exciting, was still extremely scary. Surgery was performed all of the time, but it always held its risks, and while I tried to keep on a brave face, inside I was terrified.
“How’s he doing?” Moose asked me as he stood next to me.
“Actually, really good,” I answered him. “I wish I could say the same for myself.”
He put his arm around me and assured me that everything was going to be fine. He didn’t have a reason to lie, so I decided to hold onto his words and keep them with me today. I was going to need them.
Once Jason was prepped, we were allowed to go see him one at a time. Trish was first, followed by Bart, and as much as I insisted Moose go ahead, he made me go before him. I thanked him with a hug, and all but ran into see Jase. I couldn’t help but pause a moment before walking through the door. Seeing him in the bed, with a gown, IV, and monitors all around him was a little much t
o take in.
“Come here, pretty girl. I’ve been waiting to see you.” He reached his arms out to me.
I walked up and hugged him, pulling away for only a second to look him over once more.
“You know? This IV and hospital gown is a good look on you.” I winked at him and giggled.
“Now, where have I heard that before?” He knew exactly what I was saying, and it warmed my heart. He literally remembered everything.
“Someone, who I had no clue at the time would become such a big part of my life, told me that,” I replied.
We continued our light conversation for another ten minutes before we heard a light knocking and saw Moose standing in the entryway. “Sorry to interrupt you love birds, but Mel just got here, Cassie.”
“Melanie’s here?” he asked surprised, but he couldn’t hide the smile that swept over his face.
“Yes, she made me promise to tell her. She wanted to be here to support you. I’ll go see her, and you and Moose can talk.” I pressed a soft kiss to his cheek and walked out to go see Mel.
After more visits by everyone, we were back in the waiting room for only a few minutes before my I felt my phone vibrating. I glanced down at the screen and saw it was my mother. With all the things that had happened in the past few weeks, this is the time she chooses to call? I let out a huff and hit the ignore button. That didn’t stop her. She called again, so I hit ignore one more time. She was persistent. I now realized where I got it from. I let out a chuckle as I looked over to Mel who was staring at her phone. She peered at me with shocked eyes.
“Your mommy dearest is calling my phone. Does she know what’s going on? Any of it? Or that I’m here with you?”
I shook my head and told her that Mom never called me, and I never called her. Mel clicked ignore, and then the damn vibrations were back to my phone. I let out a frustrated sigh and decided to answer the call this time, not even sure what could be so important at a time like this. I slid my finger angrily across the phone and put it to my ear. I heard hysterics on the other end.
“Mother?” I asked, trying to decipher what the background noise was.
“Cassandra, where in the hell are you? I’ve called you a dozen times.” Liar. It was only three, but who was counting.
I gave her a brief answer. “I’m out, Mother. What’s so urgent that you needed to call me three times?” I looked over to Mel who just shook her head as I continued talking. Mel never had a warm heart for my mom; they always butted heads.
“It’s your father. He’s just had a heart attack, and they’re taking him to Swedish Medical. You need to meet me there right away.”
I put my hand over my mouth and looked down. My heart sank. My father just had a heart attack. Of all the fucking days in the year, it happened today.
“Cassandra? Are you there? Did you hear me?” My mother asked, panicking.
“Oh my God. Yes, I’m here. Is he okay?”
“I don’t know, Cassandra. I just don’t know. You need to get here right away.”
Goddamn it. This was bad. This felt like a dramatic show on television, and now my episode was just unfolding. I could tell that I didn’t even want to see how it ended.
“Okay,” I said quietly before I hung up and swiped at the tears on my cheeks.
I looked up to see Moose coming down the hall, Bart and Trish who were leaving to go see Jason again, and Mel who was beside me. The look on my face stopped them, and they all stood around me. I gripped the sides of the chair as I tried to digest the news I just received. I needed to figure out who I would end up hurting and which hospital I should be at today.
“What’s going on, Sweetie?” Trish was the first to break the silence.
I couldn’t look at her. It felt as though the walls and people were closing in on me, making it hard to breathe as I tried to figure out what to say. Trish came and sat on the other side of me while Moose kneeled down in front. Mel grabbed my hand in hers as I sat in a pure state of shock.
“Cass, talk to us. What’s going on?”
I looked over at Mel who already knew who had called me. I could see in her bewildered eyes that she knew it was bad. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat that made it difficult to speak.
“My father just had a heart attack.” It wasn’t two seconds later that I had everyone’s arms around me as I cried. “My mother said I need to get to the hospital.”
Trish, who was on my right side holding me tightly, spoke softly to me. “Sweetie, you need to go see him.”
I shook my head no, but after she said it, the rest of the group all agreed, and without even realizing it, it was decided that I had to go.
With Trish and Mel behind me, I walked in to see Jason. His eyes went wide when I approached his bed. “Cassie? Sweetheart, what is it?” he asked, grabbing my hands in his. The warm, tingling feeling of them holding onto mine made this so much harder.
“My father had a heart attack, and I have to go see him,” I said. His facial expression changed to shocked. “I don’t want to go, though.”
“If it’s me you’re worried about, don’t. I’ll be fine. You need to go see him.”
I shook my head in protest.
“Take my hat. Hang onto it while you’re gone. That way you’ll have a piece of me with you today.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.” He watched me pick up the hat in my shaking hands. “Now get over here. I really need a kiss.”
I walked over to him and hesitated. “Goodbye?” I asked. I didn’t want to give him a kiss goodbye, because this couldn’t be goodbye.
“No, because I just want a kiss.” His lips curled up as I pressed mine to them. I walked out of the room with his hat held tightly to my chest. I told everyone goodbye before heading toward the elevator. Something just didn’t feel right about the way I was leaving. I wanted more.
“Stop. Wait. I have to go back. I need more time!” I yelled as I handed her his hat.
“Fine,” she said. “But not long,” She let go of my arm and walked back to the waiting room.
I rushed to his room and flew through the door, anxiety taking over as I tried hard to catch my breath.
“Cassie?” Jason asked, clearly surprised to see me.
“I just wanted more time,” I said, trying to conceal my cracking voice.
“You need to go see your dad. I’m going to be fine, Sweetheart.” He pulled me closer to his bed before kissing the top of my hand.
He slid over, making room for me on his bed. I climbed up and made sure to sit as close to him as humanly possible.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked me softly, still holding my hand in his.
“That I want to play a game with you?” I smiled like a cheese ball. Jase did the same when he caught on to what I was doing.
“Oh yeah?” he asked. “But we aren’t in the diner.”
“I want to play 20 questions.”
“Oh, that game, huh?” He chuckled.
“But we only have until Melanie comes to get me,” I said, wishing I didn’t have to cut my time short with him.
“Okay, you go first.” He pulled me closer to him. I didn’t think it was possible for our bodies to get any closer, but he made sure there was a way.
I leaned into him as I rested my head on his shoulder. “What’s the best memory you have?”
“You picked a tough one,” he said, taking in a deep breath. “But I’d have to say I finally have one that I’m sure can never be replaced. Meeting you and seeing your pretty face in that car when I came to your rescue.”
I held back a sob. It stung, but I had to stay focused on our game and crying wasn’t part of it.
“I like that answer.” My whisper in his ear sent goose bumps racing down his arms that tightly held me.
“It’s my only answer,” he said.
I closed my eyes, feeling as though I couldn’t finish the game. They burned as I continued to hold the tears back. I felt his hand run up and down my
arm. I opened my eyes and looked over to see him smiling. I had to pull myself together. I tried my best and curled my lips into a small smile.
“What’s your next question, Sweetheart?”
I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Are you scared?” My stomach was in knots, and it felt as if someone was pulling the knots tighter and tighter the longer it took him to answer.
He brought his face a few inches from my mine and slid down so that our eyes were at the same level. His eyes glossed over with tears as he took his free hand and placed it on my cheek, and the tears I had tried so hard to hold back slowly released one by one.
“I’m only scared of losing you,” he answered back, bringing our foreheads together. I could feel his body releasing soft sobs against mine. My tears, now uncontrollable, were escaping; trying to hold them back was no use. We lay there, letting the tears pour out and holding onto the one thing that finally made sense in our lives. Each other.
“But I won’t lose you. I’ll be okay. And when I’m feeling scared, Sweetheart, I’ll just picture your pretty face, and it will get me through it. I promise to call you as soon as I’m done,” he said with a cracked voice and tears streaming as he pulled his forehead off mine and pressed our lips together. I wanted to stay like this forever, never letting go, but we were cut short as Mel tapped her knuckles on the door.
“It’s time, Cass. We really have to go,” she said.
Jase pulled himself together the best he could and gave me his ever-beautiful smile that I had grown too fond of over the past few weeks.
“Green light, Jase,” I whispered before closing my eyes as more tears trickled down my cheek. I felt the pad of his thumb gently wiping them away.
“I love you too, Cassie,” he whispered back.
“We’ll be back soon,” Mel told Jason.
I reluctantly removed myself from the comfort of his arms and stood next to his bed, our hands intertwined. “I’ll see you soon,” I told him, squeezing his hand like my life depended on it.