by B. A. Wolfe
“The doctors are doing everything they can. Just get down here fast.” He sobbed into the phone, finally stopping the fight against them.
“Moose, No!” I yelled harder into the phone. I put a hand to my chest, the pain too much to bear. My heart was being torn apart, not into, not in pieces, but in shreds.
“Just hurry.”
“No!” I screamed into the phone as he hung up.
“What the fuck is going on?” Mel looked over at me, her eyes wide with horror.
I frantically shook my head as I tried to catch my breath between sobs. My whole body convulsed under the immense power. Mel pulled off the side of the highway. I could tell we had stopped, but that was the last thing we should be doing. I just couldn’t get a break in between cries to tell Mel we had to go; we had to save Jason. She turned her body to face me, and putting her hands firmly on either side of my face, she peered into my tear soaked eyes.
“Breathe, Cassandra. I need you to breathe,” she said with a calm tone.
“I, I, I can’t.” I managed to stammer. “No. Please, hurry.”
“Sweetie, you have to tell me what is going on.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t talk. Of all the times I needed to, my voice wouldn’t allow it. All I could do was panic, and let the sobs take over my body.
“Now!” she screamed at me in a tone she’d never used with me before.
I ripped her hands off my face and screamed as my instinct to get us to Jason kicked in full gear. “Moose said it’s bad. We have to HURRY!”
“Oh my God,” she muttered under her breath as she looked over at me with the most scared set of eyes I had ever seen.
Her hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles were white. She spun her tires as the car left the side of the road and reentered the highway, leaving a trail of dust behind us. Her hand tightly gripped mine as she drove like a racecar driver down the highway, not once losing speed or caring that we might get pulled over. I was sure she would keep going even if the police were behind us.
We arrived at Prairie Medical Hospital in less than an hour. Mel parked in front, not giving two cares in the world that it wasn’t an actual parking spot. We raced out of the car and through the front doors. I was out of breath, and my chest felt weighted with bricks. My body was in immeasurable pain as the sobs and shaking took over. I didn’t care though; I didn’t care about any of it. I just needed Jason. He was all I could focus on as we made our way up to his floor. The elevator ride felt as though it would never end as each floor passed slower than the last. The doors finally opened, and like a scene out of a horror movie, no one that I knew was in the waiting room. I couldn’t see Trish, Bart, or even Moose. I scanned the room two times, but they weren’t around. I began to panic until I thought they might be with Jase. The doctors must have fixed whatever was wrong. I had to believe with every fiber of my being that this was why. I looked over at Mel who also scanned the room, and she met my eyes with hers. It seemed we both had the same thoughts running through our minds that Jase was okay, and we let out a breath of relief at the same time. I started walking to find him, with Mel following behind. I couldn’t wait to wrap my arms around him after the scare he just gave me.
“Everyone must be in his room. I could hit Moose. I’m so mad for the scare he gave me.” I told Mel as we walked.
“Yeah, no kidding,” she replied.
We walked down the recovery hall and immediately stopped when we saw everyone standing in the hall around the doorway of a room. I didn’t care who I was bumping into as I pushed past them to see whose room it was. After passing a few people, my heart stopped as I saw Trish. Her face would haunt me for the rest of my life. It was ghost white as she cried in Bart’s arms. He, too, looked pained, tears streaming down his anguished face. I put my hand to my mouth as I watched and listened. Everyone was in hysterics, screeching, and wailing. It sounded like a pack of wolves howling in pain. Mel put her hand on my shoulder. I couldn’t feel it, but I could see it. I was starting to go numb as we continued watching.
Moose came through the crowd and headed toward me as if he was walking to the edge of a cliff. He seemed to have a hard time placing one foot in front of the other as he neared the edge. Me. His eyes, almost too swollen to see through, were open as he approached me. He stared at me a moment, a moment that was too long, before he closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. I felt sick, like my insides were about to explode any second if he didn’t start talking. He stepped even closer, our toes almost touching, tears trickling from the corners of his eyes.
“What’s going on Moose?” I asked him. I needed answers.
“Something went wrong and there were complications.” His voice was quiet and cracked as the last of his words came out of his quivering lips.
“He’s okay though, right?” I asked, using all the hope I had left in me. Everyone was just crying because they were scared. That had to be the reason.
“No. He went septic and he’s gone.” His voice was a soft whisper, but it felt like a cannon exploding in my ears.
I watched as Mel’s head dropped and her body went limp. One hand went to her face and the other to her stomach as she held herself. It wasn’t possible though. It couldn’t be real.
“No! I don’t believe you. I need to see him.” I tried to get past him, but he threw his arms around my flailing ones as I tried to escape the strong hold he had on me.
“Listen to me. They tried everything they could to save him, but it just wasn’t enough. He didn’t make it. His body shut down,” he cried, trying hard to breathe through his own hard sobs. “I’m sorry, Cassie.”
“NO! JASE!” I screamed in agony. Moose didn’t say anything else as he wept with me. His arms went weak and his hold turned into a hug as he tightly gripped my body. He needed someone to hold him as much as I needed someone to hold me. Except I wanted it to be Jason, needed it to be Jason’s arms around me. I held Moose back though, unleashing my heartache on his shoulder. Visions of Jason ran through my brain as I saw his perfectly scruffy face, his bold green eyes, and his sexy infectious grin.
Moose let go of his hold and looked at me through his wet eyes. “The hospital won’t take him away until we’re ready, so we all have time to say goodbye. Do you want to see him?”
“I do. I have to see him Moose,” I sobbed back to him. He shook his head and held my hand, guiding us through a sea of people.
We didn’t make it far before I had a feeling to look over to my right. The instant I did, our eyes met. A moment passed between Trish and me that I would never forget. I saw in her eyes that her heart had just been ripped out, and that she had just lost her son, her baby. I all but ran to her and threw my arms around her neck. Bracing ourselves against one another, we poured out our grief together. I hugged her tightly, trying to get any sign of comfort from her, but there was nothing. Nothing would ever be okay or comforting about this. The world had just lost a ray of sunshine. It would never be as bright as it once was. Her arms held me for several minutes, but nothing could be said in this moment. The only thing that could be done was the releasing of the pain inside us. I felt a hand on my arm and looked over to see Moose. It was time. I didn’t know how ready I was for this, and as I let go of Trish, her hand touched the side of my face before I walked away. We stepped the few feet and stopped at the door to Jase’s room. Moose dropped his gaze, tears streaming down his face as he let go of my hand.
“Take all the time you need,” he whispered.
I slowly entered the silent, somber room. I couldn’t look at the bed that he was on as I walked up to it. I didn’t know how to prepare myself for what I was about to see, but when I finally lifted my gaze and saw him, I realized then that nothing could have prepared me. I held my stomach as hard cries escaped me.
“Jase!” I cried out as I looked at him, shaking my head in utter disbelief. He was lying so still with his eyes closed. He didn’t look like he was gone. It only looked like he was sleeping.
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“Jase, wake up! Please, wake up. PLEASE!” I screamed as I carefully reached my hand out to touch his face. I prayed my touch would work some kind of Disney magic. I carefully placed my hand on his cheek, the scruff that I loved so much tickling my hand. He didn’t wake up though. He didn’t look at me and pull me down for a kiss like the reunion we were supposed to have. This wasn’t right. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
“You must have been so scared. I should have been here. I’m horrible Jase. I never should have left you.” I stepped closer to the bed, leaving no room between us. As I bent down to wrap my arms around him, I laid my head on his still chest and listened for his heartbeat that had soothed me to sleep countless nights. But there was nothing. The beating had stopped. “I need your heart to beat, Jase. It’s supposed to be beating.” I clenched my eyes closed as I held onto him, letting the tears escape my closed eyes.
“You weren’t supposed to leave this way. Not like this. What am I going to do without you?” I asked him, soaking the gown that covered his body with my heartache.
“I’ll never forgive myself for leaving. Never. All I want is for you to put your arms around me and tell me it’s all a dream. Wake me up, Jase. Please.” I begged him. I moved my arms from his waist and grabbed his to wrap around me, to hug me back, but it was limp and wouldn’t stay around me. I choked out a hard cry and slowly lifted my shattered body from his chest, and placed his lifeless arms by his side.
I looked down through my wet eyes at his unresponsive face. “I can’t say goodbye. I can’t do it.”
I lowered myself down, placed my hands on either side of his face, and put my mouth to his. I pressed hard against his lips, wanting, needing him to kiss me back, but he couldn’t. Every ounce of Jase that was once in this body had vanished. It was nothing but a body that looked like Jase. My sweet guy was gone. He was really gone.
I pressed my lips onto his once more, and then gently held his face in my hands. “I love you so much. I’m your Sweetheart forever.”
I removed my hands from his cheeks and looked one last time before I cried out, falling to my knees next to his bed. Moose rushed to my side, wrapping his arms around me. My heart squeezed as I bawled into Moose’s shoulder, and then it exploded. Torment and pain spread inside of me, piercing through my veins, and every vivid memory of Jason seeped through me. The world around me had just come undone in such a way that no builder would ever be able to piece it back together again. It would never, ever, be the same. I could feel my lungs gasping for air as my chest tightened, making it too hard to breathe. I put my hand to my chest as the pressure built. I needed to get out of here. I had to do what brought me here in the first place. I had to run away.
I got up as best I could, leaving Moose, and the room behind me. I ran down the hall to the elevator, not once looking back, but knowing Mel was right behind me. I dashed inside the elevator as it opened, pushing past a younger man who was rushing to get out. I slammed my hands against the buttons not knowing which ones I was hitting until Mel gripped my hands in hers and pushed the button for the lobby. We started moving down to the bottom level. Ironically, it felt like I had already hit the bottom. I didn’t think I could get any further down, but I was about to find out that I was wrong.
We got into the car, but this time, I didn’t sit in the passenger seat. I threw myself across the back seat and bawled hard into the fabric underneath my face. I grabbed his cowboy hat that was beside me and held it tightly against me as I sobbed out in pain. Mel was in hysterics as she drove us out of the hospital parking lot and eventually onto the highway. I didn’t know where she was taking me; I could only hope it was to a cliff or bridge so I could jump off of it. I needed to see Jase, and that was my only hope. Everything in my life that was finally starting to make sense had vanished within seconds as the tornado of disaster swirled around me, only to drop me and leave me with the aftermath of nothing. My world had just been destroyed, and life had just robbed me of happiness and love. Damn life and its destruction. Damn it to hell, I thought as I hugged the hat tighter, screaming his name, wishing too hard that this hat were him instead.
Thirty-Five
WEARING THE ONLY BLACK DRESS I owned, I walked into the living room of Mel’s apartment. A sloppy ponytail on the nape of my neck, the cowboy boots from Jason, and a red swollen face that was splotchy from days of crying completed my look.
“How do I look?” I asked, not even caring of the answer she would give me. I just didn’t know what else to say.
“Like a woman who just lost someone they love,” she replied quietly.
“I don’t want to go Mel. I don’t have it in me to say goodbye. I can’t say goodbye to him because I know when I do, it means it’s real. And it can’t be real. It just can’t be. I sit and pinch myself, praying that I’m just stuck in some nightmare.” I stretched my arm out to show her the pinch marks. Each one stung like a bitch and only reminded me of how real all of this was.
She came rushing over to me. “Jesus, Cass.” She gently reached for my arm and inspected the pinch marks. “Why?” she asked as she dropped my arm and let it fall down as she threw her arms around me.
“I just wanted to wake up. Tell me to wake up,” I told her, crying on her shoulder, and quickly covering it in tears.
“I can’t because you’re not sleeping, Sweetie. This whole fucked up nightmare is real. It’s so real and you better believe I would give anything to make it go away, to wake you up, but it’s not a dream and I can’t do anything but be here for you.”
She held me for what seemed an eternity but in reality was only ten minutes. Life could have fooled me. We somberly got in the car, and with his black cowboy hat in my lap, we began our drive to Keaton. We weren’t an hour into our drive when I had a panic attack and needed Mel to pull over. Everything inside of me purged itself three times on the side of the highway before the dry heaving came. I finally went numb. I sat on the side of the road with my knees tucked under my chin and my legs tightly gripped. Mel sat next to me rubbing my back. Cars flew by, whirling up dust and debris around us until Mel said we had to go or we’d miss his burial. My mind, body, and soul didn’t know if it could handle such a thing anymore. I always thought a broken heart was just that, broken. I didn’t believe it could break even more after it had already been broken, but I knew my theory would prove wrong once we got back to Keaton and to the cemetery.
We got back into the car and my phone showed that I had a text message. I opened it up and saw it was from Moose. He had been texting and calling since that horrible day at the hospital, keeping me updated on the burial. Like the good friend Jason said he was, Moose checked up on me. He even drove my car down to Alamosa where I was staying with Mel. He looked as horrible as I felt inside and out, our eyes puffy and swollen, our faces red and burned from the salty tears. He tried to convince me that I saved Jason, that I gave him hope and life, and a reason to live again. How could I have saved him when he was gone? I fought him on it but he wouldn’t let me believe otherwise. He really was an amazing friend, and I was glad for the support and concern, but nothing was going to help me. Not today. Not text messages. Not anything. I read the message from Moose.
Are you okay? Are you guys coming?
I texted him back two simple words, no and yes. His response was quick, telling me he’d see us soon. I put my phone in the cup holder next to me as Mel continued driving.
We arrived, but the parking lot was already starting to fill up. People wearing black and cowboy hats and boots quietly left their cars and trucks. The vision sliced through my chest as a picture of Jason in his hat and boots stole my sight for a moment. We stepped out the car and braced ourselves.
My eyes immediately went to Trish and Bart who were standing close by. I knew how they would look today, but seeing their faces was enough to make me want to run the other way. A nauseous feeling grew inside me as I walked up to them. I threw my arms around Trish, and she held me tight as her somber tears ran down
my shoulder. She pulled me back and again, there was nothing to be said. Nothing that could help right now. I was then being hugged by Bart. He always seemed like an easy-going man even though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Today though, he was breaking. We all needed each other. I hugged him back tightly before letting go.
I walked across the grass with the cowboy hat in hand, and dragged my feet past several chairs until I got to him. I pulled my boots off one at a time and placed them next to his casket that waited to be lowered into the ground. I set them side by side as they leaned on each other for support. I couldn’t wear them anymore. The only reason I had them was because of Jason. Now he was the only reason I couldn’t wear them; he was gone. I couldn’t look down at them and see the gorgeous cowgirl boots that he bought me. All I could see was heartache. They needed to be buried; they belonged with him. I lifted the cowboy hat to my lips and placing a kiss goodbye on the front of it, I set it down next to my boots.
I stepped closer and put my hand on the top of the casket, feeling the smoothness underneath my skin. I closed my eyes, picturing him lying so still, pretending he was sleeping, and wishing I could see him and hold him. I prayed his eyelids would open and those green eyes that I loved so much would be staring back at me. I opened my eyes, gazing at the casket underneath my hand. I had to talk to him. I didn’t care who was walking up behind me, or staring at me.
“I want to play a game with you Jase. I’ll go first.” I took a deep breath, letting the tears roll down my cheeks.
“Why did you leave me? We had plans. You and I were going to finish college together. You said you’d be okay, so why are you gone? Why did you leave me?” There was nothing, only a slight breeze whistling through the trees in front of me. “Please answer the question. I need you.”
I heard a few sobs and gasps from the audience building up behind me, but I didn’t care. He needed to answer or he would forfeit, and he never forfeited. I lost it. I screamed phrases that I had never screamed before in my life. I threw my hands in the air when it hit me that he wasn’t going to answer. Never again would he answer one of my questions. Never again would I get to play a game with Jase.