by B. A. Wolfe
With a loose grip on the door handle, I shoved my key through the lock and twisted the knob. Drawing in the most painful breath possible, I stepped inside and shut the door behind me. My forehead gravitated to the wood as I peeled my fingers from the cold handle, telling myself I had to turn around. And with everything I had in me, I pivoted and headed toward the kitchen.
“Hey, sweetie,” Mom greeted, as I shuffled down the hall.
I zeroed in on the carpet, focusing on every fiber. How was I going to tell her the news?
“What’s wrong? Bad dialysis today?” she asked quietly as she approached me.
Shaking my head, I managed a few words. “Can we talk?” I glanced up and caught my mom’s wide, panicked stare.
“What’s going on?” Her voice trembled as much as my hands did.
Motioning for the table, I pulled a chair out for her and then sank into the one next to it. Reluctantly and slowly as ever, she slid onto the seat, never once taking her eyes off of me.
This was going to be torture. I take that back. This was going to be impossible. Wringing my hands on the table, I dropped my chin to my chest and pinched my eyes shut. There was no way I could look at my mom and tell her that the kidney we thought we were getting wasn’t mine anymore.
“Jason, you have to tell me what’s going on.”
At the sound of her distressed voice, I kept mine as low as possible and told her the news. “They had an emergency and I got bumped on the wait list, so I’m not getting the next kidney donated.” I lifted my head slightly and stole a glance at my mom.
Big mistake.
Tears flooded her eyes and quickly spilled down her cheeks. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. The pain on her face was more than enough. And it was up to me to make this better, to comfort her, to be what Dr. Mathews was to me, and make sure she knew it would be all right. And it was all right. Someone needed that kidney more than I did and there was no way I’d want to take that kind of life away from them.
Mom dropped her head in her hands and let the silent heartache continue to release. I did the only thing I could, I scooted my chair closer to her and wrapped my arms around her shaking body. “Stop crying. It’ll be all right, Mom. We’ll get the next one, okay?”
Her sobs grew louder and my hold grew tighter. Leaning my head against hers, I knew deep down I believed my words, every thing would be okay. “Shhh,” I whispered. Tears I fought so hard to hide, slipped out one by one.
Her cries surrounded us; in fact, they were the only sound in the house. Until the floor creaked behind me, stilling my lungs, and capturing my attention. I whipped my head around and my pulse accelerated.
Cassandra was frozen in the hallway, her eyes wide. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry for interrupting.” She pivoted on her feet and darted to her room.
Mom and I scrambled up from the table. “She doesn’t know does she?” Her tone was hush, like she already knew the answer.
Closing my eyes, I shook my head. “No.”
“It’s okay, Jason. When you’re ready.”
I nodded. “I’m going to check on her.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” Mom agreed, wiping her eyes that were still red and filled with sadness.
Clearing away my own tears, I headed back to her room and took a deep breath as my hand lingered on the door handle. This was it. What was I going to tell her?
Witnessing my mother crying, hearing my words about how we didn’t get a kidney. She’d have questions and I’d have to either tell her the truth or lie again. I hated lying but this truth wasn’t one I was sure I could tell her.
I’d be as vague as possible. It was my only choice.
Easing the door open, I didn’t even have a fighting chance to get a syllable out before Cassandra’s words flew at me.
“Jase, I am so sorry. I was just headed to the kitchen to get something to eat. I promise I wasn’t spying.”
I couldn’t speak. This girl was apologizing to me? But she had no reason to.
The longer I gazed at her tucked into herself on the bed like a kid who got caught stealing, something changed. Her eyes began searching my face, the splotches on my cheeks, the red that tinted the whites of my eyes from crying.
I made my way over, the bed dipping as I lowered onto it. “I believe you.” I just hated to know what parts of our conversation did she catch.
“What’s going on? Is everything okay with your mom?” Her voice was quiet.
Now’s your chance, Jason. Tell her.
I kept my focus trained on the floor like the answers were written there. But they weren’t. My stomach sank further and further the longer I stalled. And then something unexpected happened, she rested her hand on my leg and my body stilled.
I raised my head and met her sweet stare. And that was all I could do—stare.
Was I hoping to find some sort of relief in those hazel pools? More answers that I knew weren’t there, but hoping, secretly hoping they were?
Her lips curved into a smile, her eyes still holding mine. “If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand. I just want you to know you can tell me anything. I’m here for you, if you need me.” Her words reminded me of the warmth from her touch as they settled inside me, where I wanted to keep them forever.
She opened herself up and I so badly wanted to do the same, but it was too soon, it was all too soon. The truth settled in the back of my throat, and out came the vague answer I’d told myself to say. “Everything is fine with my mom. There are some things going on right now that are not okay, but they will be.”
Fighting myself on one other thing, I did it anyway. I placed my hand over hers and the second I did, my mouth bowed.
And then I did another first; I took her to one of my favorite places. It was time for that burger and maybe a little game, if she’d let me.
Four
WE SAT TUCKED AWAY in my favorite booth at the diner. The place was packed and the smell of grilled burgers and hot fries lingered in the air. I leaned back against the vinyl seat and rested my arm over the edge, ready to play some silly game I just made up: Diner Trivia. I wanted to find out more about this beautiful girl in front of me and this was my ticket.
Cassie’s eyes danced with luster as she gazed at me from the other side of the booth. It could’ve been the way they sparkled against the sun that peeked through the blinds beside us. But I liked to think they were that way for me. Even though the news of not getting the kidney had me in a bad place, Cassie still looked at me like I was some amazing guy. She had no clue it was just what I needed.
It was my turn first and it didn’t matter that I had a ton of questions waiting on the tip of my tongue. I swallowed all of them back and went with the one I never thought I’d ask. “Do you have a boyfriend and is he the reason you’re going to Alamosa?” My palms grew sweaty as I waited for her answer.
“That’s two questions, by the way.” She smirked, and I had to grip the seat. Every movement she made, I reacted to, like it was something I couldn’t control. “No, no boyfriend, so I guess that implies I’m not going to Alamosa to see him either.”
I was also glad to know she wasn’t running to a guy. Cracking my own smirk, I asked, “How long since your last boyfriend?” It was forward of me but I wanted to know everything about her past.
She eyed me warily. “Two years ago.”
“What happened?” I hadn’t meant to blurt the question out and when her eyes shifted from me to her hands, a wave of guilt washed over me.
Dammit, Jason.
“You’re going to take it the wrong way.” The minute her gaze met mine, a worry line creased her forehead.
That was one thing I never did. “I’m not judging at all, Cassie, but if you don’t want your turn, then you don’t have to answer.” I shrugged, trying to lighten the mood. While I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, that response had me curious.
“He wasn’t physical enough, okay?”
Well, shit. I sl
id my arm off the edge of the booth and leaned into the table, practically covering it as I eyed her and her bright red cheeks. “You are going to have to elaborate on that or as much as I don’t want to, I’ll probably take it wrong.” There was no way she was that type of girl.
“I knew you would. It’s not what you’re thinking, Jase.” She peered out the window. I hated that she couldn’t look at me right now. My finger itched to touch her chin and bring her sparkling hazel pools back to mine. “It was the little things. The affection, he just never showed it, and I wanted it.” Her neck slowly twisted and her eyes gazed into mine, which were already steady on her as I hung onto her every word. All I wanted to do was find his sorry ass and tell him what an idiot he was.
She continued, “He never held my hand in his. He never kissed me just because. It was like he was afraid to touch me, like I was going to break or something.” Her words were laced with defeat and my heart pinched, knowing exactly how that felt. “He was a good guy, but I wanted someone who couldn’t keep his hands off me. Not in the perverted sense, but in the ‘I want to show everyone in the world that you’re my girl, that I want to hold your hand in mine because it fits so perfectly, and I want to steal all the kisses I can from you because my lips can’t get enough of yours.’ That kind of way.” Her voice had changed to one of pure desire.
It was like she stole the words from my very own chest. Not to mention she was the girl who made a guy want to capture her lips and steal a kiss on a whim, clutch her hand in his just because he could, and shout from the rooftops, “This girl is mine!”
Acting on impulse, I rested my hand on top of hers. Who was I kidding, I couldn’t stop myself if I wanted to. Our gazes locked and her pupils grew. Heat settled into my skin, and I loved the fact that she didn’t move, or even flinch. A moment of playing a game with this beautiful girl turned into so much more. Something I couldn’t even explain if I tried.
“You did the right thing, because a girl like you deserves all of that and more.”
Cassie just stared, not saying a word. Perhaps her silence was because she was stunned or maybe my response was just too much. I glanced down, my hand resting on top of hers for probably way too long. I didn’t want to push her or make her uncomfortable. In a haste, I slid it off and brought it to my lap.
“What’s the story with Mel?” I shifted on the vinyl, fighting to get comfortable when all I craved was to leave my seat and slide into the spot next to her.
Cassie’s features softened. “She also goes by Melanie. She’s my best friend.”
I was glad she had her, but something wasn’t adding up. “You said she’s in Alamosa, I’m assuming at college, so why didn’t you two go to the same one?”
“You know, assuming is never good.” A quirky grin curved her lips.
I chuckled at her attempt to dodge the question. “Just answer the question. Or are you going to forfeit?” My face split into a grin, matching the one she wore.
“Never,” she sassed back and I swallowed hard, assuming she was loving this game as much as I was. Even if it was made up. “My parents. The answer is my parents.”
Talk about vague. That wasn’t going to work. “Your parents what?” I probed, needing more.
“They didn’t give me that college as an option. I was given a handful of in state colleges, and the one Mel wanted to attend wasn’t on my list.” She sighed and everything about that answer had me thinking two things. The first being that her parents were complete control freaks, and the second, that Cassandra was lost in more ways than one.
Her eyes were steady on mine as if she were waiting. “You always have a choice, Cassie.”
She didn’t blink and I swore the diner turned the heat on full blast. Why had I told her that? Because she needed to hear it. Because she had a choice in anything she did. My mind drifted to Dan for a split second who always tried to do things for others instead of himself.
“Yeah well, it’s a void subject these days anyway.” Her tone was short, she was uncomfortable and there was no time to save the moment because our food had arrived. “And would you look at that, our food’s here!”
It was here, but that didn’t mean our night was over. And I was one happy man for that. Not only was she about to eat a burger that I ordered her, which I’d never done for a girl before, but I got her to open up a little. I had to find another way to play that silly game again. We were so not done. Not even close.
***
We were both full and tired. Except a little part of me wasn’t as tired as I thought I was when I pulled into the driveway and parked my truck. The sun was gone, and the moon was out, but I didn’t need any light to see Cassandra’s eyes sparkle when I opened her door for her. I wasn’t sure what she thought about me doing that, but the little giggle she released as I helped her out made me want to do it for the rest of my life.
I shut the door behind her, keeping my grip on her hand, and ushered us to the front porch. She headed straight for the door, but I had other plans. Smirking, I twirled her around until she was facing the swing that hung from the roof.
She glanced over her shoulder and met my stare. “What are you doing?”
I dipped my mouth by her ear and palmed her goose-prickled arms. “I thought maybe we could play some more?” I asked, my voice low.
She giggled, never once breaking our stare. “You really like that game, don’t you?”
My chest pounded an extra beat. “Only because I get to play it with you.”
She spun on her heels, her grin wide as she stepped backward until her thighs touched the swing. “You coming or not?”
There was nothing that could’ve prepared me for how I felt in that moment. The moonlight beamed off her hazel eyes as she stared at me, waiting for me to join her. Closing the gap between us, I sank onto the seat next to her. I hoped she wasn’t uncomfortable that I sat so close, but honestly, there was nothing uncomfortable about us. It was easy when it came to us. Too easy.
Using the toes of my boots, I pushed off the ground and got the swing going in a steady rhythm. “I believe it’s my turn?” I cocked a brow and she playfully rolled her eyes. “I’ll take that as a yes.” A soft giggle filled the air between us and I smiled, thinking of my first question. My gaze flickered to the night sky and then back to Cassie. “What’s your favorite color?”
A few blonde strands brushed her cheek as she shook her head. “I don’t have one.”
Impossible. I didn’t believe that for a second. Everyone had a favorite color since they could learn to pick crayons. “Sure you do. Everyone does.”
She slid her hand up and down the chainlink that secured the swing to the ceiling. “Everyone, huh? So what’s yours?”
I leaned closer, my mouth near her ear. “Midnight,” I whispered. Her intoxicating, sweet scent tickled my nose as the swing rushed forward and then back.
She inhaled a soft breath. “T-that’s a color?”
Keeping myself close, I murmured, “Mmm hmm. It’s when all the stars come out and the sky is a mix of black and blue.”
“I like that.” She peered out of the corner of her eyes, our gazes locking, and my chest pounding.
How was it that something so simple could do this to me? In an effort to tame whatever seemed to be sitting between us, I drew in a large gulp of air and leaned back in my spot, giving the swing another push. “So, I think I already know what your favorite food is. How about your favorite time of year?”
She released the chain and brought her hands to her lap. “Emerald.”
I scrunched my nose as she chewed on her bottom lip. “I don’t think that’s a season.”
She swallowed, her gaze holding mine so tight I couldn’t look away if I tried. “That’s my new favorite color.” She leaned forward, examining my irises with intensity, with awe. “With wisps of gold,” she murmured, pulling back, still staring not at, but into my eyes. Emerald. Green. Her new favorite color.
I sucked in a large gulp of air, unabl
e to speak.
In a soft voice she added, “My favorite season is Fall.”
Catching my breath, I stretched my arm out, reaching up and over my head. “Fall huh?” Slowly, I rested my arm behind me on the swing. Or really, behind Cassie, my eager fingers inches from her shoulder.
She peered out into the dark street. “I love when the leaves crunch under your feet and the air is just a little bit chilly.” Her eyes returned to me, full of light. “Fall is the perfect reason for a blanket and a book.” There was no way her smile could have been any more radiant.
“Hmmm.” I loved when she talked about the things that made her happy. She lit up. I had to remember that for another day. If I ever got another opportunity, of course.
Her hair fell as she cocked her head. “Hmmm what?”
“You’re one of those.” I laughed, pushing off the ground again.
“What do you mean?” Her voice was quiet and curious.
She was just like my brother. “A bookworm.”
A little chuckle released from her curved lips. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.” She quickly tucked her fallen locks behind her ear. I wanted to reach out and do the same to the other side, just so I could touch her.
I glanced back at her face. She lifted her eyebrows at me, as if she was waiting for the game to continue.
Damn it.
I only asked two questions, but I honestly didn’t think I could handle anymore. My fingers were already holding tight to the chainlink at my side, where I forced them to stay so they didn’t do anything stupid, like caress her flushed cheek.