by B. A. Wolfe
“Oh my God!”
A quiet voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I squinted toward the door, trying to make out who it belonged to, when long blonde locks caught my eye.
“Cassie?” I muttered. My stomach twisted and pulled as I stared at the curvy figure.
Please don’t be her. Not this way. Not like this.
My heart thumped as those golden orbs found mine.
Her wide eyes were filled with horror and that small hand I’d held so many times went straight to her gaping mouth, as if she just walked in on a murder. “Jason?” My name was muffled behind her trembling fingers.
No. No. No.
My limbs began to numb. I couldn’t tear my gaze off of her. I didn’t know what to say, what to do. My mind went blank.
Her focus flicked to the tubes coming out of my arms, then back to my face. The wheels in her head turned. She was putting all of this together before I even had a chance to tell her myself.
Say something. Tell her to leave and not see you like this. Tell her to stay so you can explain.
But I couldn’t do anything. I froze as she took in the confusing scene in front of her.
Finally, after what felt like hours but was only seconds, I parted my lips, preparing to say something, but she shook her head, backed away, and disappeared.
“Cassie . . .,” I said, the word a mere whisper as I gawked at the empty doorway. She was gone and I was trapped, unable to move. “No, Goddamn it!”
This wasn’t the way she was supposed to find out. I glanced over at Colleen, begging for her to release me but I knew she couldn’t. My treatment had to finish. Unfortunately, the minutes that were left, seemed like years, decades away.
“Was that her?” Colleen’s gaze flickered between me and the door that Cassie just ran from.
Unable to say a word, I nodded, my throat tightening to the point of asphyxiation.
And I let it.
Colleen closed her eyes, the weight of the situation pinching her face. There was nothing to do but wait . . . wait for my whole world to crumble around me because there wasn’t a damn thing I could do right now.
Cassie’s voice echoed just outside the door, and my body filled with guilt heavy as concrete.
“What’s going on, Trish?” Cassie cried and my jaw clenched as I silently begged for my mother not to say anything.
“He has kidney failure, sweetie.”
Any breath I thought I had left vanished. This wasn’t happening.
“No, no, no!” she screamed.
I just broke her. I cupped a hand over my mouth, pleading with myself not to get sick in this damn chair. How could I have let this happen? How could I have not told the one person that meant the world to me? How could I have let her find out this way?
Because I’m a coward.
I never thought it was possible, but as the clouds darkened above me, as my body burned with anger, sorrow, and regret . . . I despised myself. Hated the person that I was for putting someone so wonderful through this.
“Jason . . .” Colleen approached, her tone solemn. “I can’t let you go yet.”
Clutching a fist to my chest, I whispered, “I know.”
Every organ I had was slowly dying the longer this chair held me hostage, aching to be released while I had to sit and listen to the pain pouring from Cassie’s voice. Unable to do a single thing about it was like dying a thousand deaths. Each word she screamed stung worse than the previous. I tried to hold my heart in place, but who was I fooling, it was already being ripped out, and I only had myself to blame.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
I blew out the last breath I was holding when the machine pierced my ears. “Hurry, please!” I begged, but I knew this was far from over. This was just the beginning of a catastrophic tornado . . . and I had no clue where we’d land after it dissipated.
“I will. I’m hurrying as fast as I can.” My knee bounced, my nerves pinching, my lungs starving for air as Colleen worked her magic to get me unhooked as quickly and safely as possible. She placed a bandage over my ports and met my waiting stare. “Be careful, Jason.” Worry lines creased her forehead.
It didn’t matter if I was careful or not. I scurried from the chair, lightheaded, as I headed to the door. I had to fix this before everything we had knit together unraveled before us. I darted out of the room, not caring that my stomach wanted to heave, not paying any attention to the gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be, and most of all not giving a shit that I was ready to pass out.
“Cassandra!” I screamed, my voice bouncing off the walls. Twenty feet in front of me, there she was. My blonde sweetheart kneeling on the floor surrounded by a mess of vomit, anger, and heartache. My stomach squeezed itself the closer I got, my knees wanting to buckle, ready to drop to the floor with her.
She glanced up, tears flooding her face, chest heaving.
Destroyed.
The girl who trusted me enough to make love to her, to tell me the reason she was running away, and I didn’t even have one ounce of courage to tell her the secret I kept hidden from her. I wasn’t even sure there was a word strong enough for the horrible person that I’d become.
Cassie bolted up from the floor and I raced after her, unable to reach her before she locked herself in the nearest bathroom.
Don’t run from me.
I sprinted toward the door, palming the wood as if she would somehow feel me on the other side. “Please, sweetheart, we need to talk,” I begged, holding back my own cries.
There wasn’t a response. She hated me . . . Fuck, I hated me.
I rested my forehead against the door, hearing her bawling on the other side. My insides were caving, crumbling into nothing as each sob escaped her. I jiggled the handle, needing to get to her, but there was no give in return.
This. Wasn’t. Happening.
“Please,” I whispered, my throat closing in on the word so it barely escaped my mouth.
A firm hand landed on my arm. “Jason, just give her some time. I’ll give her my keys. She’ll come home when she’s ready,” my mom said, trying to comfort me. But nothing would right now. Couldn’t she see that? I had to comfort someone else and that’s all that mattered.
“I’m not leaving, I’m staying until she comes out!” My anger won, turning my tone harsh. I had never raised my voice toward my mom. But right now I was in my own personal hell, raging a war against myself . . . and I wasn’t winning. Nobody was.
Mom tugged on my shoulder and I shrugged her off, pressing my other hand onto the wood, trying to get closer to the only thing keeping me from Cassie. This damn object was my only lifeline, the only thing to hold onto.
“Sweetheart,” I mouthed, my voicebox hugging my cries that I so desperately tried to fight off. Mistakes happen. People make mistakes. But the ache suffocating me told me this might have been the kind that would haunt me forever. One neither of us would recover from.
But it’s not over. It can’t be. It’s not the end until everything is okay, and nothing about this is okay. Please, Cassie come out.
“She needs time, Jason. Go home, wait for her there.”
She wanted me to leave?
I gulped, my heart racing. If I waited here, Cassie might never come out. She might despise me so much she’d rather sit in that bathroom for days. If I gave her some time, maybe Mom could coax her out and I could find a way to talk to her, to explain everything later.
Man, I really fucked up.
To leave and go away or stand here and stay? This wasn’t like choosing between chocolate or vanilla, stopping at a green light or going. This was like choosing between breathing and suffocating. I couldn’t breathe without her. But if she didn’t want me, I knew I’d give up every last ounce of oxygen I had, just to make her happy.
Unable to speak, I slammed my hand against the wall, knowing this was the right thing to do, but hating every second of it as I walked away. Away from the one person that I wanted anything to do but leave alone cr
ying. You could have stabbed me a thousand times and it wouldn’t have been nearly as painful as putting one foot in front of the other to leave that hallway. The worst part? I never thought I was capable of causing someone so much pain. I never pictured myself as that guy. The one who would have a girl crying, locking herself in a bathroom just to escape him.
With the back of my hand, I wiped the tears that had rolled down my cheeks, and pushed through the hospital doors, ignoring the nurses who had come to see what had caused all of the commotion. I just royally fucked up. I wasn’t sure if I could save what we built together. I didn’t know if she would ever forgive me for keeping this from her. And honestly, I didn’t know if I could ever forgive myself.
I had planned so hard to do this the right way, to protect her, and in the end, she was the one guarding herself from me.
Piece by piece, what small fraction that was left of my heart slowly chipped away as I thought about every moment I spent with her, only to be replaced by the horror on her face when she saw me in that chair. I choked back a sob and sat in my truck, strangling the steering wheel as I stared at the street in front of me.
“Goddamn it!” Anger, hurt, regret, poured down my cheeks and for once I let it. “I’m so sorry, Cassie.” I knew she couldn’t hear me, but in some weird way I hoped maybe she could. That maybe we were so connected she’d always be able to hear my voice no matter how far away I was from her. I cried, hard, wishing more than anything I could go back and redo things. “I am so sorry, sweetheart. I’d go back and do it differently if I could.”
But that’s just it, life doesn’t give do-overs. You only get this once chance and I blew it. I waited for the right time, and I should’ve listened to my own advice. It’ll always be too late . . .
Forcing the tears from my face, I glanced back at the hospital, frantically searching for her, but she wasn’t there. I wanted to stay in the parking lot and wait for her. I couldn’t handle knowing she would be driving home by herself, but I knew she would fight me if I tried to take her home. Would she even talk to me there?
Starting my truck, I screamed a few choice phrases that felt foreign in my mouth. I hadn’t been this upset since I was younger. I thought walking out of the hospital was hard, I had no clue then how unbearable it would be to drive away from it.
My jaw clenched tightly as I drove. Needing to talk to someone, I took a hand off the wheel and pulled my phone out of my pocket, dialing my brother’s number. It rang three times and went to voicemail. Damn it. I so desperately needed to talk to him. I stuffed the phone back into my pocket and parked in our driveway, killing the ignition and slamming my door shut as I walked to the front of the house.
***
This room smelled like Cassie, flowery and fresh. I inhaled her scent as I sat on her bed and waited. I didn’t know for how long, and I didn’t care. When I headed into the house, my empty chest led me here and I wasn’t leaving this spot until I saw her. She didn’t want to see me at the hospital, I didn’t like it but, I let her have that time. But I wasn’t giving her any more than that. I had to talk to her. So what if I was being selfish? For the first time in my life, I didn’t fucking care. Releasing a painful breath, I scrubbed a hand down my face, wiping away the last few tears that had silently trickled down.
My phone vibrated against my thigh. Hurriedly, I reached into my pocket, and yanked it out. “Hello?” I answered the call without hesitation, praying it was Cassie.
“She’s on her way home.” My mom’s somber tone didn’t go unnoticed.
Resting my elbows on my knees, I dropped my gaze to the carpet. “How is she?”
“Sweetie . . .”
I huffed. “I was going to tell her tonight. Another eight hours, Mom. That’s it. Eight hours! I had everything planned, and then this. . .” I stopped. “What was she doing there anyway?” I couldn’t help but think that something horrible was wrong and I had just stressed her out even worse.
“She was coming to see me. To talk.”
“So, she’s okay? Her and the baby are still doing all right?”
“She’s just fine.” It was like I could see my mom nodding in front of me. “Listen, I’m sorry I told her. I know you heard me and I’m sorry, Jason.”
I didn’t even know what to say so I clenched my jaw in an effort to not say anything stupid. I wasn’t mad at my mom, but I wished she hadn’t said anything. That she would’ve let me tell her.
Probably sensing my hesitation, Mom added, “She had to get some sort of explanation after what she saw, sweetie.”
What was done, was done. “She hates me, doesn’t she?” Cassie ran away from me. She ran away . . . from me. I still couldn’t handle that. At all.
Mom sighed. “Cassandra’s scared, you know what that’s like. She needs to process what happened. Be brave, it’s going to be okay. I’ll be home soon.”
We said goodbye and I pushed up from my knees, shoving my phone back into my jeans. Cradling my head in my hands, I stared at the floor.
Be brave.
Two words.
One helluva request.
The door to the room creaked open and the air around me thickened. If my heart were in tact, I’m sure it would be racing. The skin on my arms raised. My body always knew when she was around. I lifted my head and prayed for her normal golden pools, the one that reminded me of the sun. Instead, I stared at wide, puffy, red eyes, pulling the knot in my stomach tighter.
She was so scared. But, God, I was too. Petrified I’d just lost her.
Be brave.
I wished I had the balls to march over, scoop her up into my arms, and hold her until the darkness went away. But it wasn’t possible. Because if she pushed me further away, I’d lose it. I had to tread lightly.
“We need to talk.” My words were laced with a softness I hoped she felt.
Her hair swished side-to-side as she stood there shaking her head. God, she was only a few feet away, but it might as well have been miles.
Leftover tears glistened on her lips as she parted them, my empty chest growing wider at the sight. You caused that.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why would you fucking keep this a secret from me?” Her tone was harsh, each word like a brutal slap across my face. I deserved nothing less. So I took each one.
My fingers itched to reach out for her. If only she’d hear me out. Eight hours, that was it! “I was going to tell you tonight, that’s why I wanted to take you out. I knew I needed to tell you.”
Her lips curled in disgust. “You could have told me sooner. You had every opportunity under the sun to say, ‘Hey, Cassandra, by the way, I have kidney failure.’ You don’t just keep something like that from me.”
Every time she asked me what was wrong, I should have spoken up, but she also had no clue what I talked myself in and out of every day. I had reasons, and as right or wrong as they were, they were mine. “You really want to know why I kept it from you so long?”
Her brows furrowed and her eyes skirted away. “Yes. I think I’ve made that very clear.” She looked like she was stabbed in the gut and hated the person that did it to her: me.
She couldn’t hate me. I couldn’t have this. I stood and the minute I did, she crossed her arms over her chest. Protecting herself, covering her heart so I couldn’t get close to it again. I clenched my jaw, trying to keep the grief back.
“I didn’t want you treating me like I was sick and ill, like everyone else in this fucking town. I loved the way you looked at me like I was your hero. For once, someone treated me like Jason. Not the guy who was sick, had to be treated three days a week, and like I was going to shatter into pieces every time I took a step on the sidewalk. You make me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt before, Cassie. I should have told you, but I didn’t want to because I loved the way you made me feel.”
I got to be the man I always wanted to be when I was around her. Like someone who could take care of his woman, instead of the other way around.
Her head shook
, her face pinched with pain. “I’m sorry but I don’t even know what to say right now. I need to be alone. Please get out, Jason.”
A crater took out the rest of my chest as she hissed the name Jason. This wasn’t going anywhere. I couldn’t do it anymore.
“It’s Jase.” I slammed the door behind me as hard as I could and stormed out.
Running my hands through my hair, I marched downstairs, headed to my room, and dropped to my bed facedown. Finding out that I had kidney failure was like someone took a stick to me; it broke my family and me. And now that same stick was breaking her. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her and tell her that I was here and I wasn’t going anywhere. Yet, here I was, alone on my bed, tears covering my cheeks.
Curling my arms under my pillow, I sank my face into it, hoping that one day she’d forgive me. Or at the very least, let me explain.
***
Hours later, the handle on my door jiggled and my throat tightened. I lay on my bed, scrubbing a hand down my face as Cassie slipped through the doorway. Her cheeks were splotchy as she approached me but in a split second, I knew her coming down here was the best sign in the world.
“I need to know everything,” she cried, her shoulders shaking with each sob.
Good sign or not, those tears were destroying me, again. “Come here, sweetheart.” I opened my blanket and patted the spot next to me. “I want you right here. In my bed with me. If I’m going to tell you what’s going on, I need you right next to me so I can hold onto you.”
She snuggled in right beside me, in the place she fit like the perfect puzzle piece, and I knew I could do this. She gave me the strength I needed. I’d tell her everything. About every day that I was living with the disease, up to the point that I was loving her. It was the story I should’ve told her from the beginning, but sometimes telling your own side of the story is a little bit harder. Because it’s like you’re reliving it all over again. The good, the bad, the scary.
I glanced down at the beautiful woman with a heart of gold that had broke because of me, and I knew I’d find a way to mend it back together, because I owed it to her. Especially for the way she put me back together.