by B. A. Wolfe
No more tears today. I had to make sure of it. Only smiles from here on out. With the pads of my thumbs, I brushed the wetness away and leaned down, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. She inhaled deeply and I smiled. The path for life was opening up for me and soon I’d get to have this girl, in my arms forever. Moments like this, a simple kiss, a small hug, would all be an everyday thing and I couldn’t wait.
My mom’s face lit up when I told her the news, and when I texted Dan he vowed to come to the hospital. I even told Moose. He and Kasey were going to meet us at Prairie Medical.
“Let’s go pack,” I told Cassie.
She glanced up through her lashes, excitement twinkling in her glossy irises as she nodded.
When Cassie had finished putting a few things into a small bag, I told her I’d meet her upstairs. Once I heard the door shut at the top of the stairs, I glanced over at my dresser. I had packed all of my stuff, but there was just one thing left to do. With a smile, I walked over, grabbed the journal with the letter I’d written her in it, and closed the drawer.
Cassie probably wouldn’t stay at the hospital with me the whole time I recovered so I needed to make sure she got her special gift from me, in case I was there longer than I was supposed to be. Anything could happen and I knew that.
Standing in front of her suitcase, I pressed my lips to the black, velvety journal and grinned. I hoped she’d smile as much as I was when she saw it. And I prayed I was doing the right thing by giving this to her now. Hoping it would give her some sort of relief when she stayed in my room while I recovered. Maybe it would come at a time when she’d need it the most.
Palming the cover, I glanced at the ribbon and note I’d attached to the front and my chest swelled. Write away, sweetheart. With a full heart, I placed the journal on top of her suitcase so she’d see it. I wouldn’t be able to watch her open it, but knowing she’d have something to hold on to while I was in the hospital was more important.
I fisted the handle of my overnight bag and headed toward the door. Sighing, I glanced around one last time before I walked out for who knew how long.
I stared at the red comforter that was still rumpled from where Cassie and I had been tangled just this morning. I was gonna miss that bed, but more so the girl that kept it warm. This wasn’t forever, but the ache in my chest that wouldn’t go away, sure made it feel like it.
Keep it together, Jase.
Sniffling, I forced my attention on to my hats. How could I forget? Walking over to the side of my bed, I snatched up my favorite black one and tilted my head forward as I put it on. I had to take something from home. I wouldn’t be back for a while.
One last glance around my room and I headed upstairs, my heart racing.
Two
THE WALLS WERE WHITE.
The bed, small.
The blinds were cracked open just enough for a few rays of light to shine through the sterile hospital room. I took a deep breath, the smell of antiseptic so thick I almost choked on it. But I had to get used to it, since it was where I’d be for a bit. I had been hooked up to an IV, and Cassie, Mom, Dad, and Moose were all here. My brother was on his way. It wouldn’t be long now. And by this afternoon, I’d have a kidney.
But the worst was that Dan wasn’t next to me this time, reassuring me we were Batman and Robin, and that we were in this together. I didn’t have him telling me that everything was going to be okay. Instead, it was a room all to myself. The surrealism hadn’t lifted yet, my chest still pounding with intensity. I was afraid of going through this alone. But then, I wanted to smile through the fear. This was really happening.
I’d have my life back.
I’d have a future with my beautiful girl.
I wanted to question why me, why now, and how’d I get so lucky? But I thought better of it. I was a good guy. I was the town’s knight in shining armor for crying out loud. Didn’t I deserve good things without having to question them?
Maybe someday I’d get the answers, but today I wasn’t going to let them bring me down. Nerves were already making me restless as I lay in the hospital bed. Anxiety coursed through me and ate at me as I thought about the surgery and hoped that it went as planned. And I couldn’t deny the curiosity that loomed over my head, questioning how long the new organ would last me this time. Because the truth was, it needed to last me forever.
That may have been an impossible request, but it was my only one. To not have to worry or go through this again, to be able to live out my life with my girl by my side like any other normal couple. One wish, that was all I asked for.
I smiled, picturing a future with Cassie. A sense of calmness spread over my anxiety at the thought. This would work. I felt it. In my bones. Cassie was my good luck charm, and the one thing that calmed my thundering chest. The best part? She was right outside that door with all my loved ones. Cassie’s friend Melanie even made the trip. To know they loved me so much they’d sit around and wait all day with me, my smile widened.
Everything is going to be perfect.
Releasing a heavy, overdue breath, I glanced at the window and palmed my chest as it fluttered. It was all going to be okay. It was the end to a chapter that felt like the longest one yet, but the way my cheeks stretched as I grinned, I knew what was coming next was going to be worth the wait.
Footsteps sounded by the door, and I twisted my neck to see Cassie inching toward my bed, her hazel pools glassy with sadness.
“Cassie? Sweetheart, what is it?” I covered her cold, trembling hands with mine. My chest ached, my heart slowly picking up speed as I started to panic. Is she okay? Is the baby okay?
“My father had a heart attack”—a sob slipped from her mouth—”I have to go see him.” Her voice was meek and I could tell that she couldn’t decide what to do. Her face dropped as she eyed me. This was her reality. Two men, one choice. My heart sank into a dark hole as she struggled. “I don’t want to go, though.” She shook her head vehemently, her jaw clenched tight, and I gripped her hand firmly in mine.
She had to go. This was her father. I knew they had a rocky, rough relationship, but it would make me feel horrible to know she stayed here with me when her family needed her more. I offered her a smile, but got nothing in return, and I knew how much this was weighing on her.
“If it’s me you’re worried about, don’t. I’ll be fine. You need to go see him.”
I’d get her forever. But her parents needed her right now. She couldn’t deny them that. As selfish as I wanted to be, I couldn’t tell her to stay.
Her head shook violently back and forth.
It was the right thing to do, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t crushed inside. How could Cassie have this much weight on her shoulders? Me, and then her dad? It wasn’t fair. I’d be okay. I just wanted to know she would be too.
Thinking of the only thing I could, I blurted out, “Take my hat.” Her eyes locked onto mine in a way that had my lungs pumping hard. “Hang onto it while you’re gone. That way you’ll have a piece of me with you today.” Damn, I was glad I brought that thing.
“Really?” Her nose scrunched, but I could tell by the way she sighed that I’d just offered her a lifeline.
“Yes really!” The way her face lit up had me ready to jump out of bed and put it on her. I released her small hands. She took the hat between her shaking fingers and eyed it like it was me staring back at her. “Now get over here. I really need a kiss.”
She took a few short steps and got as close to my bed as she could before she hesitated. “Goodbye?”
No way in hell was this goodbye. I couldn’t handle that. There was no way that this would be the last time I’d see her loving smile, or tangle my hands through her golden hair. I refused to believe that. We had a whole life ahead of us for that. But maybe this was better. I wasn’t sure I could look at those big beautiful hazel eyes filled with sadness as they took me away from her and carted me back to surgery. This non-goodbye was slowly sucking all the air from my lungs, but I had
to be strong, for Cassie. Drawing in a heavy breath, I forced my worries aside and focused on one thing . . . my love for her.
“No,” I whispered. “Because I just want a kiss.” Grinning like a fool in love, I met her lips as she dipped her head down. Outside, I wanted her to see me as strong, as the man she saw as her hero. Inside, my heart was barely beating. I wanted to glue our mouths together so she’d be forced to stay. Stay with me. But I had to make her believe that everything would turn out okay, that I’d be fine. Even if that meant she was going away.
Without another word, a forced smile on her pale face, she hugged the hat to her chest and with one foot in front of the other, left my room, taking all of the air with her.
Exhaling a painful breath, I stared blankly at the door. Having to fight myself on what was right, and what was selfish of me.
“It’s okay, she’s got my hat,” I muttered to myself. But what did I have of hers? I needed something of Cassie’s to hold on to.
It wouldn’t be long. She’d be back. So why did I have to keep reminding myself? Why did I have to tell myself not to beg for her to come running back into my room? I wasn’t sure I’d be able to let go if she did. I’d hold onto her until she pleaded with me to stop, and even then I wasn’t sure I’d be able to release her.
Be brave.
Strangling my fingers, I blinked a few times and was grateful that each time I did, Cassie’s silhouette appeared in my vision. It was my most prized possession. I’d have that to hold on to.
But was it enough? Would that hold me over?
It had to be.
My brain was so fixated on Cassandra that I could’ve sworn I saw blonde hair wisp through my door. Man, I was seeing her everywhere. That was until I snapped my gaze to the right. A pinched expression, tears welling, and a heaving chest, she stood at my bed, staring at me with all she had. It wasn’t just a figment, it was her.
“Cassie?”
“I just wanted more time.” Her quiet voice cracked, filling my crushed heart with an unbearable pain.
I hated that I was going to miss her more than I missed anything in my life, but she had to go. I had to prove to her that I was going to be fine. “You need to go see your dad. I’m going to be fine, sweetheart.” Tugging on her limp hand, I pulled her toward me, and kissed the top of her knuckles. Truth was, I needed more time too. I despised saying goodbye, but if we were going to do this, we had to do it right. Sliding over, I patted the spot next to me on my bed. I wanted her right next to me as we did this, as we got one last memory of each other for the day. Because, in all honesty, who knew when I’d get to see her again: with her dad, my recovery . . . there was no guarantee.
She didn’t waste a single second as she climbed onto the single person mattress that had never felt more perfect than right now. Especially as she snuggled as close as possible to me, leaving no room between us.
Coiling our fingers together, I asked her, “What are you thinking about?”
“That I want to play a game with you.” She smiled and I took a mental picture of her, right here, right now. This image. I’d hold onto this one. It reminded me of the sun, bright and happy.
“Oh yeah?” My face split into a grin. I’d never get tired of hearing that come from her beautiful mouth. It was one of my favorite memories. “But we aren’t at the diner.” As much as I wanted this kidney, this next chance at life, a small part of me wished we were side by side, staring at each other in my favorite booth instead.
I glanced at her flushed cheeks as the heat from her body began to warm mine. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to let her leave. I clenched my jaw, not wanting our moment turn into that . . . crying.
“I want to play twenty questions.” Her voice sounded like a mix between forced happiness and pure love.
“Oh, that game, huh?” I’d play a million games with her if that’s what she wanted.
Sorrow danced across her golden gaze as it drifted down to our interlocked hands and then back up to me. “But we only have until Melanie comes to get me.”
I knew and she knew, it wasn’t going to be very long. But no matter how soon we’d get to see each other, our time together wasn’t enough.
“Okay, you go first.” Not wanting to forget a single thing, I scooted her closer, if that were even possible, and inhaled her scent. Always sweet, like flowers, and as silly as it sounded, she smelled like home: familiar and welcoming.
Her soft hair tickled my chin as she moved her head and rested it on my shoulder. “What’s the best memory you have?”
Rubbing my thumb over the top of her hand, I sighed. “You picked a tough one.” It was a hard question, I had tons of memories, but there was one that made me smile more than anything.
Behind her frantic expression, she was beautiful. Breathtaking. Her golden hair fell over her heart-shaped face. And I think I knew then that there was something special about to happen between us. I knew because my heart came alive that day.
“But I’d have to say I finally have one that I’m sure can never be replaced. Meeting you and seeing your pretty face in that car when I came to your rescue.” It was the place that started it all. Where the town people had carved into the tree for years for love, and yet, it was where our story began.
Her body trembled next to mine as if she were trying to hold back her tears, only causing me to grip her hand tighter. I’m right here, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere.
She tilted her head and whispered, “I like that answer.”
I peered down at my arms that were now being blanketed in tiny goosebumps. She was it for me. That much I knew for sure. I loved her. More than the grass loved the rain, more than the flowers loved the sun, more than another human being could ever love another person.
“It’s my only answer,” I admitted. I rubbed her arm with my free hand. The way she pinched her eyes shut and pressed her lips together spoke the words she couldn’t.
This was becoming even tougher. This wasn’t just goodbye, it was a moment neither of us were ready for. The tears, the memories, it was starting to feel too final. I just wanted to skip all of this, fast forward to waking up after the surgery and seeing her smiling face, not having to worry about a goodbye at all.
No. I can’t let myself think that. This is the start of forever.
I had to be brave for the both of us. Begging for a smile to form on my face, I plastered one on and when her lids finally fluttered open, it was the first thing she saw. Her lips curved as if she were trying too and a tiny sliver began to crack open my heart.
Don’t cry, Cassie. It’s going to be okay, is what I wanted to tell her, but the words held captive on my tongue and instead this came out, “What’s your next question, sweetheart?”
The air around us thickened as she drew a long breath. “Are you scared?” she asked, blinking several times, her fingers tangling with mine.
My lungs fought to suck in air.
Fuck.
I couldn’t do this.
Tears welled inside her downcast eyes as I processed her question. I was scared, but it wasn’t for the surgery anymore. Nope. It wasn’t for how long this kidney would last me, because at the end of the day as long as my heart was still beating and Cassie was still in my arms, I was the luckiest guy in the world. Brushing my thumbs over her hands, I wondered how I could tell her that without her love I was nothing. That the only reason death scared me right now was knowing that I’d never get to touch her smooth face again, or kiss her soft lips. How everything we shared that was so real would only be a memory, and how unfair life would be to take it all away from me when I only just got it. But that the other half of me finally got to know what real true, can’t breathe, can’t sleep love felt like, and that I’d die a happy man because no one could take that away from me.
How do you tell someone the thoughts that run rampant through your mind before you go into transplant surgery?
The only way you know how. You let your heart do it for you.
Sl
iding down the bed so our tearful gazes were level, I brought my face just inches from hers and placed my free hand on her cheek—the one that I’d be able to describe from memory. Her cheekbone, exactly where her jawline starts on my hand, and how it heats underneath my palm whenever I hold it.
The second her tears trickled out, my heart squeezed like a vise. “I’m only scared of losing you,” I responded, my throat tightening as I brought our foreheads together. I fought like hell to not cry today, to make this happy, but this was a battle I wasn’t going to win. Heartache streamed down, and I had no choice but to let it. She reached around and clutched tightly to my waist and there we lay, sobbing in my bed for fear of losing the one and only thing in our lives that made sense: each other. I wasn’t going to though. I’d fight and get my happy ending. “But I won’t lose you,” I choked out. “I’ll be okay. And when I’m feeling scared, sweetheart, I’ll just picture your pretty face, and it will get me through it.” She sniffled and I released another sob. “I promise to call you as soon as I’m done.” I’d focus on that, the moment her voice would ring through my ears when all was said and done. I pressed my lips to hers, tasting the mixture of our salty tears floating through our kiss.
I wanted to stay like this forever, but instead be sitting under the tree, in the grass, the sun shining. And not just rays of it, but the entire sun bellowing down on us. But like always, our time was cut short as Mel knocked on the door, letting us know it was time. Game over.
“It’s time, Cass. We really have to go,” she said, her voice apologetic.
Pulling away from her lips was quite possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I wiped the tears from Cassie’s face, and then my own, and smiled at my girl. Her cheeks were red, splotchy with a few wet spots, but my God she was beautiful. I tucked her hair that I loved so much behind her ears and then cupped her face once more, our gazes locking as if we’d known each other our whole lives.
With a twinkle in her glassy eyes, she whispered, “Green light, Jase.”