by B. A. Wolfe
I nodded, her hand now back on my shoulder. She kept the other on my mask, but her warm reassuring touch gave me a comfort my body had missed. It wasn’t the person that I wanted, but it was at least someone.
Think of Cassie, Jase.
“Ninety-nine . . .” Her heart-shaped face, the soft curve of her jaw.
Inhale. My limbs seemed heavy.
“Ninety-eight . . .” The flush of her cheeks when she looks at me.
Inhale. My vision turned blurry.
“Ninety-seven . . .” Her blonde hair that’s always so soft as it passes through my fingers.
Inhale. My eyelids grew tired.
“Ninety-six . . .” Her lips as they brush up against mine.
I smiled and surrendered to the sleep that consumed me.
Three
“JASON . . .”
It’s black. Everything’s black.
Why?
“Jason . . .”
I heard my name again. Forcing my eyes to open, a sliver of light shined and I squeezed them shut again. I blinked several more times, each time adjusting more and more to the bright lights.
Where am I?
A soft touch landed on my shoulder, and this time when I lifted my lids, a blurry face popped up in front of me.
“You’re out of surgery.” The face smiled and I tried to process what she said but everything seemed fuzzy.
“Huh?” I moaned, cringing at the raw feeling in my throat.
“We’re moving you into your room. We had to keep you in recovery for a bit longer than normal.” I squinted, trying to understand what she was saying. “Your blood pressure dropped a few times during surgery, and again after but you’ve been stable for a while now. We’re going to continue to monitor it closely—” at my confused gaze, she laughed and laid a reassuring hand on my arm—”and I promise to relay all of this information to your family. So for now we’re done and you’re leaving the recovery area.”
Done.
I’m done.
One last flick of my lids and the world shined bright. The nurse met my confused stare with a comforting smile.
“You’re probably going to be a little groggy for a while as the medicine continues to wear off, but that’s normal.”
I glanced down at the white sheet covering me and the bed rails to my sides. I was really out. My throat constricted at the thought. Everything went as planned?
“How do you feel?” she asked, peering at me.
I swallowed, still trying to take in the fact that it was over, that I was done... “Ok-ay,” I croaked around my dry throat. Physically, I was exhausted, my brain hazy, foggy, my body out of it, but my heart, my mind, felt like I just won the biggest trophy in the world and a smile tugged at the corner of my mouth. I made it. Every worry I had vanished and the rays that were cast away by the clouds returned and as my lips curled up higher, the entire sun splayed above me.
“Well, you’re about to see your family so that should make things even better.”
Family. Mom, Dad, Dan, Moose: my family. And the girl that helped me more than she’d ever know, Cassie. She was my family, too. For always. I pinched my eyes shut, her sweet face stealing my vision with a smile. I couldn’t wait. I knew it couldn’t have been the end. Life wasn’t okay yet. But it would be soon, especially after I got to hear my pretty girl’s voice.
***
“So what’d you dream about?” Moose asked, sitting in the chair next to my bed. My mom stood to my side, brushing my hair back, watching the monitors like a hawk.
As much as I tried to remember, I couldn’t. I only hoped it was of my hazel-eyed beauty.
“I see you smilin’ over there.” Moose chuckled and I shook my head. “I’m gonna go grab somethin’ to drink. I’ll be back.”
“Sounds good.” I glanced over at my mom. “Mom?”
She walked over to the chair and relaxed. “Yeah, sweetie?”
I popped a brow. She knew what I needed was Cassie. To talk to her, see her, feel her. To start living. My throat was still scratchy and my body felt weak, almost numb, but the thought of talking to Cassie had my heart racing.
“Okay. I know. But we have to make it quick. You need to rest.”
My smile stretched. “Thank you,” I murmured.
Mom grabbed my phone from her purse and clicked a few buttons before holding it to her ear.
Was it normal for my heart to be pounding this hard? My skin flushed, head to toe. Waves of excitement flooded my veins as my mom spoke to Cassie. Even though she wasn’t in the room, I felt her. I pictured her hair sweeping her shoulders as she tilted her head in that cute way she always did, her eyes twinkling, her cheeks rosy red, her warm hands clutching mine. It was all so real. So tangible. And it was about to get even more real as Mom handed me my phone.
Blood whooshed through my ears, my excitement almost too much to contain.
Holding the cold device, I grinned. Exhaustion took a back seat to my happiness as I put the receiver to my ear. I heard her soft breaths on the other end, making my skin tingle. It was taking every bit of willpower I had not to jump out of the bed and walk to her. I wanted her touch . . .
“Sweetheart, it’s me.”
“Oh my God,” she gasped, causing my heart to flood with so much love I thought I would drown. Quiet sobs echoed through the line and for once, I welcomed the happy tears. In fact, I wiped a few of my own away. With my hand pressed to my heart, I sent up a silent prayer for everything good that was happening to me. “It’s so good to hear your voice.”
She had no idea. None. The only thing that would make this better was if she were standing right here. So, I closed my eyes and pretended she was.
“How’s your dad?” An ache settled in my chest, making it difficult to breathe, but I pushed past it, refusing to let anything get in my way.
Please say he’s okay. “He’s fine. I only care how you’re doing though. How do you feel?” I imagined she’d have a smile.
The world may have still been foggy, but it wasn’t every day a person got another shot at life. My mouth bowed. “Better than new.”
That was a lie. I didn’t feel better than new yet. Honestly, I felt like I’d been hit by a train but I just had a kidney replaced, it was to be expected. But despite everything physically, emotionally, and mentally, I was whole. Maybe it was hearing her voice. Maybe it was the way I got to see my future now. I never planned for one because I couldn’t. And now the opportunity was mine for the taking. The places we’d go, the things we’d get to do. I clutched at the empty space next to me on the bed, wishing her hand was there to grab.
“I miss you,” I whispered.
“I bet I miss you more.” Her voice was a mixture of sorrow and hope.
My eyelids grew heavy, slipping shut several times as I fought hard to keep them open. “Hurry up so I can see you, pretty girl.” She was all I could think about, all I wanted to see, hold, and feel.
“I will. I’ll be there before you know it. I can’t wait to see you, Jase.”
This was the best day of my life. I knew I’d never forget a single moment. “I’m smiling just thinking about it. Green light, sweetheart.”
She sighed, the sweetest sound I’d ever heard. “Green light.”
My heart was full; the happiest it had ever been. My eyes drifted shut and I allowed myself to be sucked into a strange black hole that seemed to be tugging at me. I flipped the phone closed and set it next to me. God, the world was so beautiful. Everything was okay. In fact, it was more than okay, it was perfect. I was ready for the next chapter.
***
I woke up and searched the room. A frown pulled at my mouth when I noticed that Cassie and Dan still weren’t here. I had no idea how long I was out. The doctors and my mom had told me to rest, said that I’d feel better, but truth was, I didn’t.
Everything was hurting. My chest ached and when I tried to take a deep breath, a sharp pain pierced through my shoulder causing me to flinch. What was wrong
with me? I didn’t remember feeling like this the first time.
Nervous energy coursed through me as I waited for Cassie and Dan. The television was on, but I couldn’t pay attention to it. Every five seconds, I kept glancing to my left, toward the open door hoping to see her rushing in and jumping into bed with me, because I knew that she would make everything better.
“Hey, Mom?” I asked, my voice weak and small. And it wasn’t just my voice, my whole body felt weak. My limbs were heavy and when I tried to move my legs, they tingled.
“Yeah, sweetie?” She lifted her head up from her lap where a magazine rested.
“What time . . .” I paused, squeezing my eyes shut when swirls of black stole my vision. I shook my head gently, and rubbed at my eyes until I could see my mom clearly again.
“Are you okay?” she asked, darting from the chair and sprinting to my side.
I’m not sure. “Y-yeah.” My tongue felt weird as I stumbled over the word. I stroked absently at my mouth, wondering if I just needed a drink.
“Jason . . .” Her voice grew panicked, as did my chest, and I knew right then that something wasn’t right.
Stay calm.
Don’t be afraid, just tell her. But what if it was nothing? They said I was fine earlier.
A heavy hand blanketed my forehead and then my cheeks. My eyelids grew heavy and I hated that it was a struggle to keep them open.
Did they give me more pain medicine? Is that why I’m feeling like this?
The light in the room faded in and out along with my vision. A tense band constricted around my heart and my throat tightened, making it almost impossible to take a deep breath.
A shrill noise sounded somewhere around me and I watched with blurry vision as my mom glanced from monitor to monitor.
What is happening to me? Please. Please let me be okay.
“Mom”—I sucked in a shallow breath—”I’m not . . .” I reached out for her and my arm gave, dropping to the bed.
“Jason?” Mom’s voice muffled as my world started to go black. I tried to lift my head but instead it just lolled to the side. “Jason! Come back to me!”
Several nurses charged into my room right before everything went pitch black. Hands grabbed frantically at my body, tugging it from side to side. There was yelling and crying, stuff that I couldn’t make out and suddenly, I was ice cold. Fear rushed through my veins and each breath became shallow as my world continued to darken.
Where were my rays of sun? Where was the light? What was happening?
I tried to struggle, tried to thrash my body, but nothing was happening.
No! Nononono.
I opened my mouth to cry for my mom, but the only sound I heard was a gurgling noise. That sound where everything went from bad . . . to worse.
Help me. This wasn’t happening. I had so much to live for, so much to do, so much to say . . .
Suddenly, an undeniable panic washed over me. With every last ounce of determination I had, I begged my arm to move, forced it to touch something . . . someone. Warmness grazed my hand and I cried at the familiar touch—Mom. Don’t let me go. Digging down even deeper, I forced myself to grab onto reality one last time. My mouth opened and I cried, “Casssssie—” and that time I heard it. A sharp pain pierced through the side of my head as all the muffled noises cleared.
“BP’s dropping. Get the family out of here now!” I pried my lids open one last time. An older face stared down at me, his eyes wide and filled with regret. “Ninety over fifty and dropping fast.” A loud beeping noise seemed to be getting stronger, and seemed to be multiplying.
My heart sank deep into my chest as my world was replaced with a terrifying darkness once again.
“Pulse ox is seventy four …”
“Jason!” Mom’s voice shrilled. “Please, Jason, NO!”
“Get her out of here!”
Chest. Pinching. Tight.
Beeeeeeep. Beeeeeeep. Beeeeeeep.
“I won’t leave him . . . “ I’m so sorry, Mom. “Please, please . . . my son.”
“Get her out of here. NOW! Get me the crash cart.”
“Jason! You have to save my baby!” My mom’s sobs wrapped around my heart, gripping it so tightly it shredded at her pleas.
I’m gonna fight, Mom. I’ll fight. Wait for me, please.
Praying for anything, anyone above to help, I fought like hell to look out once more. A fuzzy, unclear vision of heads and hands blurred as they ripped my gown off and then, my lids too heavy, my body too weak, I was once again sucked back into the darkness. And this time I couldn’t fight it. It wrapped around my body, each breath was a struggle. Each strong beat of my heart slowed to a dull thud.
“Not today, Jason. Come back. Come on!”
I couldn’t. This was it. I knew it, I could feel it in my bones. Living shouldn’t be this hard. My limbs were useless, my lungs burned with an excruciating pain. I didn’t want to feel this. I wanted Cassie’s touch. I needed her. Succumbing to the inevitable, I fought to relax and allowed myself to be engulfed by the memories.
Beautiful eyes peered up at me while she snuggled into the crook of my arm. I’d never get to see those eyes again.
The band around my heart popped and the pain I had been feeling was suddenly gone.
Holding her close as we danced in the street to my favorite song. Her hand gliding up my back as we stood in the wheat field, her fingers tangling in my hair as she tugged my mouth to hers. I’d never get to feel those sweet lips against mine again.
Everything around me suddenly went silent . . .
Her gorgeous smile lighting up my life as I rubbed a hand over her stomach.
She couldn’t be alone. I couldn’t leave her. Would she be afraid? Scared, like I was? My heart broke into a million pieces. I couldn’t handle the thought.
I gasped for air, even just an ounce. There was nothing.
It was an indescribable feeling, my body weightless as though I was floating. Nerve endings that felt alive moments ago were non-existent, and even though a deep peace settled in around me, I couldn’t help but think that this wasn’t how it was supposed to be . . .
My life unexpectedly flashed before my eyes. A lifetime spent in Keaton, my family, Cassie crashing into my life...loving her. It was all slipping away, but I clutched on for dear life, not letting it get too far. I wasn’t ready yet . . . I needed more time.
“Thanks for the rescue, Jason.”
“I’m not used to having someone take care of me or worry about me.”
“I don’t even know your full name.”
“I called you Jase. Is that okay?”
“Well, maybe you could come to Boulder and teach me how to cook sometime.”
“Do I want to know why that smile is plastered on your face and you aren’t driving even though we have a green light?”
“You know your cheeks look good in blush.”
“And where will I find this guy? I seem to be looking in all the wrong places.”
“I really like the hat, Jase.”
“I think about that too. That maybe, getting lost was all part of this master plan for my life and I got lost for a reason.”
“I would love for you to wrap your arms around me and kiss me.”
“Tell me you feel it, Jase. You feel feel your heart on fire every time we get close.”
“I’m in, Jase. I was already in.”
“I am more sure of this than I am about anything else in my life.”
“You have no idea how grateful I am for crashing my car. It led me to you.”
“I’m not leaving. Like I told you, you have me. I’m in this with you.”
“You’re the strongest person I know.”
“I want to play a game with you.”
“What’s the best memory you have?”
“Green light, Jase.”
The memories flooded, each one sweeter than the last, pulling me under until I was drowning in them. I couldn’t leave this life . . . I had to fight,
I had to get back. She needed me. I needed her. But somehow I knew in my aching soul that I wasn’t going to get back.
It was all slipping away . . . I grasped on, not letting it get too far.
Stay . . .
The pain that had faded came crashing back at full force as something jolted my body. Crushing pain spread through my chest, stealing more of my heart, more of my lungs, more of my life. This shouldn’t hurt . . .
This part was the hardest, the part that I knew was inevitable. Further and further my life drifted away, headed into an unreachable dark cloud.
Hopes and dreams and forevers that would never see the light of day. A future I had finally planned that I’d never get to experience. All slid through my fingers.
Panic. . . the end . . . I knew it was near.
As the darkness surrounded me once again, taking me from the outside in, I did what I told Cassie I would. I forced away the black and clung onto the most beautiful image: her golden blonde hair, those bright hazel eyes, and a pair of turquoise cowboy boots.
My body warmed and I smiled. Green light, forever, sweetheart.
“Because in the end, everything will be okay. It has to be.”
Cassie smiled back at me and I knew that it was all okay.
Letting go, I released my final breath, knowing it would be the last one I’d ever get to take. My lungs no longer begging for oxygen, my body no longer stabbing with pain, and my heart no longer beating.
“He’s gone.” The voice was loud this time, my hearing better than it had ever been. “Time of death three twenty-two p.m.”
And the light suddenly shined bright again.
***
I stared at my lifeless body lying on the bed, the crisp white sheet tucked neatly under my arms.
So this is what is was like? That was actually me. I was really gone.
My eyes were closed like I was merely sleeping, but the heart monitor was off because there was nothing beating inside my chest. My heart had stopped. My lungs had ceased.