by B. A. Wolfe
“It was only fitting, Moose,” I told him, feeling the constriction around my chest. He would never know how grateful I was for his help. “You helped me more than you’ll ever know.”
Moose’s jaw clenched tight as he tried like hell to smile but couldn’t; instead, tears rained down his face. He walked away and stood in front of the window, letting his joy out the only way he knew how.
Happiness spilled down my cheeks onto Jase’s blanket. I peered up at Mel, her expression clear as day. She was in love with a new man. “Even though Melanie is a great name, I couldn’t think of one more fitting for this little boy.”
I sniffled, feeling so happy, so angry, so confused, so full of sweet sorrowful joy. “He said he’d be here, and I have to believe that somewhere in this room, he is. Even if it’s only in my memory.”
How unfair life was for taking such a beautiful soul from me, from the world too quickly. The only things that would get me through were my memories and the wonderful boy snuggled in my arms.
“He’s here, Cass. He’d never let you be here alone,” Moose promised, now standing back at my side. “Are you coming back to Keaton?”
I shook my head, tracing the edge of Jase’s blanket with my index finger. “I can’t, Moose. I don’t even know how to live in my own body let alone live in a city where he no longer exists. Right now, I have to put everything I am into protecting and caring for my baby. He deserves that. I can’t fix me yet.”
Moose touched the side of Jase’s blanket, palming his little side, and smiled. “One day, Cass, you’ll find the perfect reason to come back and stay.”
“Maybe one day.”
“You’re going to be one hell of a mom, Cassie,” Mel said, beaming.
I was sure going to try.
I held onto Jase, snuggling him close. Hours ago, my heart was broken, and here it was ready to explode with love. How could I love someone so much without ever having met him? I never thought it was possible, until now. I pressed my lips to Jase and kissed his soft, warm head.
“I’m never letting go.”
The End.
Stay
One
One Year Ago
Dan
MY HAND SHOT LEFT and landed on the alarm clock, silencing its incessant beeping. There was no point even setting it. I’d been awake for hours, anyway. Inside my nerves were having a heyday. Heartbeats pounded against my chest as I sucked in deep breaths, trying to calm myself.
“Fuck it,” I muttered, kicking my heavy comforter off.
I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and ran a hand through my messy morning hair. My eyes traveled to the phone on my nightstand. I picked it up, sent a quick message to my brother, then tossed it beside me on the bed before making my way to the kitchen in nothing but my boxers. After dumping coffee grinds into the maker and setting the machine to brew, I braced my arms against the white countertop and stared down mindlessly while I waited. Your brain knew when something was important. It wouldn’t let you think of anything else. It was all-consuming. Today, it might just be the death of me.
I filled my lucky Denver Broncos’ mug and paced my way through the house. Wearing a path in the floor was the only thing slowing my thoughts. I downed a few sips and stopped in front of a tall bookshelf. A covered box containing all my letters from Jase was nestled there.
It had started as a joke, but then neither of us could stop writing. Once I told him I had a mailbox at college, each week I had a letter waiting for me. And every week, I’d write him back. I saved them all. His latest had me smiling hard. He was happy. Really happy—thanks to her. I needed to meet that girl. My eyes caught a glimpse of the clock. It was nearly time.
I took a shower and slipped on a pair of worn jeans, a plain tee, and my Nikes. Expelling a heavy breath, I grabbed my keys and left, bracing myself for the day ahead.
I was only an hour into my drive when the red engine light caught my eye. This happened every once in a while, so I pushed it to the back of my mind and pressed my foot a little harder on the gas pedal. As the needle on the speedometer crept higher, a new light on the dashboard lit up. And then—my car shut down. “Fuck.” I banged my fist on the wheel as the car slowed. But no amount of banging or cursing helped. I dodged car after car, veering to the shoulder of the highway, where the piece of crap stopped dead.
“No, no, no. Don’t do this to me now.” I pounded the steering wheel again, ready to beat it to death. “Not today. Damn it!” I reached for my phone in the cup holder, dialed the number for Triple A, and within minutes the rep said a tow truck would be on its way. Estimated time of forty-five minutes. Great.
Today was too important to start out like this. I only prayed things turned around.
Two
Dan
I SHOULD’VE BEEN WITH my brother hours ago. I was supposed to be there before he went into surgery and right next to him as he woke up, but no, all hell broke loose instead. Four hours and a rental car later, I was finally on my way to see him. But hell apparently wasn’t done with me. It didn’t just want my car; it wanted my heart, mind, and sanity as well.
Moose: Get here now. It’s not good.
The text message displayed six simple words. They echoed in my head over and over as each second passed. I slammed the gas pedal to the floor and zipped through cars on the highway. I couldn’t text Moose back. I had to get there. Fast.
What ate at me more was that I’d just talked to my mom an hour ago and assured them I’d be on my way soon. I even talked to Jase. His surgery went fine. He sounded groggy, but still like the brother I knew.
“Hey, mom.”
“He’s out. He’s alert and talking.” Her voice was very matter-of-fact.
“Thank God. I’ll be there as soon as I can. The dealership is setting me up with a rental. They have no idea what’s wrong with my car, but I should be on my way soon.”
“Okay,” she said. “He wants to talk to you.”
I smiled. I was hoping he would. “Put him on the phone. I want to talk to him too.”
“Dan?” Jase’s voice sounded tired.
“Hey. How you feeling?”
“Good as new, but I think that’s the drugs talking.”
Hearing him joke around lifted a weight off my shoulders. “I’m glad to hear it. I’m sorry I wasn’t there, man. My damn car broke down, but I’ll be there soon. I promise.”
“Mom told me. It’s okay. I wrote you a letter while I waited for you.”
I loved his letters, too much. “I can’t wait to read it.”
“You won’t get it today. I mailed it.”
“Why’d you mail it? I told you I’d be there today.”
“You’ll understand when you get it. I didn’t want you to read it here. Just trust me.”
“I trust you. Listen, they’re handing me the keys to the rental car. Get some rest. I’ll be there soon, Jase.”
“Okay, hurry up. I’m excited for you to meet Cassie.”
A smile spread across my face. “I can’t wait to meet her.”
My hands gripped the wheel tighter as I continued speeding down the highway. Thirty minutes later, I was finally running into the hospital, where I should’ve already been.
My feet seemed to weigh a thousand pounds as I dragged them to the elevator. It was one of those experiences you have when you’re dreaming—trying to run but you can’t.
I stepped inside the crowded elevator car, pressed the button marked six, and started preparing myself. For what? Hell, I didn’t know. Each floor that passed was a second longer that I held my breath. I unclenched my fisted hands as the elevator dinged and the doors opened. And just like that, my fight kicked in. I had to get to him.
As I rushed off the elevator, two girls slid past me and got on. Before I could register their sobbing, the ping from the elevator sounded and the doors closed again. Don’t be for Jase. Please God, I beg of you. Don’t let them be crying for him.
My heart dropped as each step took me fu
rther and further down the busy hallway—one I’d been in before, when I gave my own kidney to my brother to save his life. More accurately, it was to save my life, to ensure I still had him. It was selfish. While I couldn’t bear to see him suffer anymore, I also couldn’t bear to not have him in my life. Both of my kidneys would’ve been his if he’d taken them. Hell, I’d have given him my heart.
I looked ahead and met Moose’s eyes: red, swollen, and empty. I gritted my teeth, fighting back tears. He stepped closer and in one simple yet powerful gesture, shook his head.
“No, man. Please tell me he’s in his room. Awake, fine, and breathing like he should be! Please, Moose, tell me,” I begged him.
I grabbed his shoulders and searched his distressed eyes. But his voice box was mute, and I knew.
“I’m sorry. He’s gone. I couldn’t even call you. I-I don’t even know what to say.”
“No, no, no. This can’t be happening.” My body began to collapse, until a pair of arms secured me. Moose was my brother’s best friend, but he was my friend too. I let my forehead drop to his shoulder. Tears streamed out, soaking his shirt as I wept. “How did this happen?”
He patted my back. “We don’t know. They tried to save him, but they couldn’t. They did everything they could, Dan.”
I lifted my head. “Where are my parents?”
He released my trembling shoulders and pointed down the hall. I held my stomach when I found my mother’s pale face wet with anguish. My father stood with his eyes closed, slouched next to her, gripping her so tight his hands had lost color.
We had our problems, my parents and I. But today, they all had to be set aside. Today, I wanted nothing more than to hug my parents and for them to tell me everything was going to be all right. The embrace would happen, but the words wouldn’t. This wasn’t okay. It had been my worst nightmare since the day we learned what was wrong with Jason. And now it was a fucked up reality.
As if on cue, my mom’s puffy eyes met mine. Not able to move fast enough, we met halfway and I circled my arms around her. She sobbed into my shoulder, and for once, I played the parent as I held her, letting her break apart in my arms. My mom, the one who gave birth to two bouncing baby boys, just lost one of them today. I lost a brother, and the world lost not just a ray of sunshine, but the whole fucking sun.
“M-my baby is gone. Jason’s gone. We lost him. Oh God,” she cried, falling deeper into my arms.
I clenched my teeth, trying to stand tall and hang onto her, but my heart was shattering with each word she spoke. I was here to comfort her and she would comfort my dad, but I had no one to hold me. There was no one for me to weep on while I bawled my eyes out for the loss of my brother. He was it. He was my comforter and I was his.
Since the day he was born, it was him and me against the world. Jase with his plastic revolver and me with my plastic sword, we were the Bradley duo for life. As long as we had one another, we could roam the world, saving one damsel in distress at a time. That was the plan, anyway. But now the Bradley duo just lost the battle—for real this time.
Memories wove through my brain like a maze the longer I held my sobbing mother. I had to let her go and make them stop. But part of me didn’t want them to. If they did, it meant he was really gone. And I didn’t want to believe it.
I withdrew from my mom, guiding her to my dad. My heart raced like it had just been struck with two hundred volts of electricity. I took small steps backward. “It’s just a dream. It’s just a dream,” I whispered over and over again. It wasn’t until I’d stumbled far enough that I ran straight into Moose’s stiff body.
“It’s . . . a dream. Tell me . . . I’m going to wake up . . . from this nightmare I’m in, b-b-but . . . I’ll wake up. It’s . . . It’s just a horrible nightmare, right?” My breaths were quick, my words broken. I tried to move my hands to his shoulders but they were dead by my sides.
Moose wiped his hand over his face and took a deep gulp of air.
“Tell me, goddamn it!” I screamed, needing a reaction out of him.
“He’s gone, D. He’s gone!” he shouted back. His hand covered his eyes as his body convulsed.
“No,” I gasped in disbelief. My eyes darted around the room, everyone was in hysterics.
Moose shook my shoulders. “Breathe, D. You gotta breathe, man.”
I bent in half and put my hands on my knees, catching my breath. The word no looped through my mind. No, this can’t be real. No, this isn’t a dream. No, this isn’t someone else’s life. No, your brother isn’t alive. No, your kidney didn’t save him. No, even the kidney he just received didn’t save him.
No.No.No.No.
Rage boiled inside of me. A tingling sensation trickled into my fingers as I flexed them outward. My chest rose and fell in a heavy pattern, each breath slower and deeper than the next. I fisted my hands and held them tight at my sides as the word blurred all rational thought. Pain was all that registered. An ache so deep, the only cure was to inflict more pain. The sensitive man in me wanted to fall to my knees and bury my face in my hands, but the caveman in me wanted nothing more than to pound a hole in the wall.
The caveman won.
Each slam into the textured drywall took away one more ounce of torment. I didn’t feel a thing as I punched my fist into it time and time again. A large hand captured my red, almost bloodied one, and without a glance at the face of the owner, I gave up.
“D, this won’t bring him back. You need to go say goodbye,” Moose muttered with my hand in his.
Moose was suddenly the rock of this broken family. His hand released mine as I turned around to face him. Goodbye? Is Moose out of his fucking mind? The lump in my throat grew larger, making it almost impossible to breathe normally. Say goodbye to my little brother? As in . . . never see him again? No. This isn’t it. It can’t be.
“I can’t say goodbye, man. I can’t do it. He can’t be gone.” I shook my head as I continued my denial, tears steadily dripping from my jaw to the floor.
“They won’t take him away until we’ve all said goodbye. You’ll regret it if you don’t. You need to, D. No one’s saying this is going to be easy. It’s going to be the most difficult thing in your life, but you have to.” His features slackened as he stared at me.
He was right. It was the hardest truth uttered since I arrived. I closed my eyes and nodded.
He brought a hand to my shoulder. “Do you want me to go with you?”
Yes. I didn’t want to have to do this alone. But I had to say goodbye to my brother by myself. I had to talk to Jase, just him and me for the last time.
“No. I need to do this alone.”
Moose nodded as he pulled his hand away.
My chest grew heavy as I took the few steps toward Jase’s room.
In and out. Breathe in and out.
If I didn’t remind myself to breathe, the lump in my throat would win. Part of me almost wished it would so I could escape this damn nightmare and black out. The darkness would be far better than what I was about to witness. How does someone prepare themselves to see a loved one lying in a bed, gone? You could watch it played out on TV all you wanted, but until it happened to you—seeing someone you loved completely lifeless—all of what you thought you’d feel goes out the window. All you’re left with is a gaping hole in your chest where your heart once lived.
And that’s exactly what I felt as I stood next to Jase—or next to a body that happened to look like my brother’s. A completely shattered chest.
I peered up at the blank monitors next to the bed. I hated seeing them shut off. I cringed and looked away. The blinds in his room were only partially open, giving little light. Everything seemed so white—the walls, the floor, and the blankets that covered his bed.
I wiped my palms on my jeans and finally looked at him. His hair was shoved back from his forehead and the waves that normally topped his head were flat. His whole body appeared relaxed; his face looked . . . youthful. There were no stress lines or wrinkles anywhere
to be seen. He was young—too young to be lying here this way. My jaw clenched so hard I was afraid it would lock shut.
I carefully slid my hand up the soft white sheet until I reached his body. I held it over the middle of his chest and closed my eyes.
Beat for me, Jase. Beat, brother. Come on.
It didn’t, though. I couldn’t will his heart to beat. His chest remained flat and silent. Nerves and heartache pulsed through my body as I opened my eyes and gazed down at my hand on his unmoving chest.
I took his hand in mine and interlaced our fingers. His hand didn’t grip onto mine like it would’ve had this been the reunion we were supposed to have. If it were, I’d have given him a hug that said I missed him like crazy. I’d have ruffled his wavy hair like I did when he was a kid and razzed him about his new girlfriend he so desperately wanted me to meet. And I definitely would’ve held his hand while I looked him in the eye and asked him how he felt. Making sure he was okay.
That was the reunion we were meant to have. Not this. Not me holding his cool, gripless hand as I stared at eyelids that would never open again.
“You gotta come back, Jase. P-please.” I sandwiched his palm between both of mine, all my strength vanishing.
“I should have run here. I should’ve ditched my car and sprinted to the hospital to be with you. I let myself believe you were going to be okay and come out of surgery brand new like last time. I swore up and down since the day you were born that I’d take care of you. I was your Batman, and you were my Robin. Like a goddamn superhero, I was supposed to look out for you. I messed up big time, Jase. I can’t ask you to forgive me because there’s no way in hell I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.” I let my head fall next to his side and grabbed for his hand. With my shoulders shaking and my tears dampening his bed, I bawled.
If this were the moment I expected we would have, his arm would be on my back, telling me he was fine and not to worry. My tears fell harder. I worried about him so much; not a day went by when I didn’t—from the moment he was born and I held him on the couch with my mom beside me until the day we found out he was sick, and all the times leading to now. Worry and hope for him were all I had in me.