by B. A. Wolfe
Me too. God, I couldn’t help myself, something inside just wanted him close.
“I really am sorry,” he added as I removed my hand from his.
I swept a stray hair out of my eye and nodded. He was right. I didn’t have to hate him, but I was right too. We couldn’t be anything more than friends.
***
Sleep was pointless. My legs rustled endlessly as I tossed and turned throughout the night, sliding from the spot I’d slept in when I was here last, and then rolling to his side. Fear of dreaming of Jason while sleeping in his bed kept me awake; there was nothing pretty about it. Not to mention, everything Jason was missing from his bed. His scent that I’d breathed in so many times was gone, nowhere to be found as I gripped his red comforter and brought it to my nose. I let go with frustration as my phone beeped.
Mel: Be there in ten. In town now.
I rubbed my eyes and sent a text back. Five minutes later she was clunking down the stairs. Mel and that lead foot . . . I should’ve known. Trish and Bart must have let her in. They were early risers.
Mel entered the room and quietly approached the bed. “I’m here,” she whispered.
“Ten minutes, huh?” I asked, sliding over for her to lie next to me.
She shrugged and sank beside me. “Go brush your teeth. You’re gross right now.”
I put my hand a few inches from my mouth. “Gee, thanks.”
“Only ‘cause I love you, babe. Jase still sleeping?”
“It was a long night for us both; I’m not surprised he’s so tired,” I said. “Not to mention, it’s only six in the morning. What time did you leave?”
“Early. I couldn’t sleep.”
Join the club. “Did you get your presentation done?”
“Ugh, let’s not even talk about it. I swear, my boss is going to be the death of me. Or rather, I might end up locked away. Better question . . . how are you? God, woman. How did this happen?” She turned and faced me, propping her head up with her hand.
I glanced at the popcorn ceiling for a moment. “Someone upstairs hates me, that’s how.” I chewed on my lip for a moment. “I talked to him.”
Her gaze dropped and she scrambled to her knees. “You what? Dude, you told me you were okay to wait until I got here. We needed to assess the problem first. Jesus, what did you say?”
I sat up, but my fidgeting self couldn’t sit still. I hopped off the bed and paced.
“Well, the usual. You know. I ran outside. Pathetically tried to catch up with him, accused him of knowing who I was. Badgered him about it. Told him the us we were before is no longer. Yelled at him some more. Got a cramp in my hamstring that took me out. He carried me the whole way back to the house while I inhaled his cologne. Oh yeah, and then I remembered why he seemed so damn familiar.”
At this point, my hands were sitting on my hips as I shot a death glare at Mel. It wasn’t directed toward her, but I couldn’t help the emotion that wavered over me.
“What? Why? I thought he was tea boy. We’ve established this.”
I shook my head. “Do you remember the guy that stopped me from going psycho girl on the casket at J-Jason’s funeral?” My voice hitched for a moment. She nodded, deliberately slow. Things were clicking for her. “Yeah. That was him,” I said, digging my palms into my eyes, forcing tears back.
“Shiiiit,” she drawled out. “That’s crazy. But Cass, does it really change the moments you both shared?”
I dropped my hands. “It changes everything. We had a moment where he stopped me from beating a dent in a casket. A moment where he got me to stop hyperventilating and breathe. That’s it. The Aidan from the coffee shop, bar, and the phone can’t exist to me anymore. He’s Jason’s brother. It’s . . .” I sucked in a breath. “Not okay.”
“That’s all just coincidence. You don’t think you owe him a chance? Even after all the run-ins?”
“I don’t owe him anything, Mel.” I didn’t. He lied, and even though he tried to tell me, it still didn’t make him an okay guy to have feelings for.
She sighed. “Okay, fine. I can take that. But do you owe it to yourself? You were so happy, Cass.”
“For what? For finding a guy who accepted my accidental bump and laughed it off, then had a drink with me, played a stupid game, all for me to call him to finish said game?” I sat on the bed and slouched against the headboard. “I don’t owe anyone anything. Myself included.”
“That’s your call. It’s your mind to make up, but if I can just add my five cents?”
“I believe the term is two cents.”
“No, ‘cause I have more than two cents’ worth to tell you.” Her lips curled to the side. “He’s got your back, babe. He was there for you when you didn’t even know him. You ran into one another. Denver’s huge, with plenty of coffee shops. Maybe fate is trying to tell you something. Call me a hopeless romantic, but what’re the odds?”
“You’re far from a hopeless romantic.”
“That’s all you got out of that? What am I gonna do with you, mama?”
“Your five cents has been deposited and duly noted.” I tipped my head down at her.
“Good. Just think about it,’kay?”
“I will.” If he were anyone but Jason’s brother, I’d have given him and myself the chance. No questions asked.
She waved her hand in front of her face. “Now, seriously. Go brush your teeth and get ready. I’ll feed Jase while you get dressed. Pretty sure he’s getting fussy over there all by his lonesome.”
I nudged her shoulder. “Thanks, love.”
“Oh, and don’t think we’re done discussing the whole running situation last night either. You mentioned his cologne and I’m gonna need major details. Especially what his chest felt like.” Her smile couldn’t have been any wider.
“We’ll see.” I winked.
She laughed as she strolled over to Jase’s crib.
***
I cranked the shower knob, forcing the water hotter, and grabbed the soap. Mel had valid points, but guilt festered inside me. How could I want something more with the brother of the love of my life? The one who left me, who left all of us, and with unfinished business? I didn’t know what would’ve been in store for us had Jason lived, and I wasn’t okay with being that kind of person.
I stood under the scorching water, rinsing off the soap, trying to get my thoughts to shut off. But I couldn’t brush Aidan out of my mind. He was there, sitting at the forefront, charming smile and all, whispering his damn sweet nothings while goose bumps prickled my skin.
I stepped out of the shower, grabbed a towel, and wrapped it around me. I wiped the fog from the mirror and stared ahead. I couldn’t even remember if I’d washed my hair. Shrugging, I untangled it with my fingers. Today was about Jason. I’d have enough on my plate to fret over. I mentally shoved all things Aidan to the back of my mind. Today, I would remember every single wonderful moment I’d shared with Jason.
And I wouldn’t cry.
Yeah right, Cassandra. You, not cry?
“I know,” I answered myself back.
A high-pitched scream took me out of my thoughts and into the land of the living. “Jase,” I sighed. It was mommy time. I finished getting ready and rushed upstairs.
Nine
Cassandra
“WHERE’S JASE? I HEARD him screaming from downstairs.” I stared blankly at Mel, who stood alongside Trish, prepping food in the kitchen with no shrieking baby in sight. With her lips pinched, Mel’s head gestured toward to the living room. I lifted my brow and followed her signal, leading me to a happy Moose and a cooing Jase.
“Fed, burped, changed and hanging with his Uncle Moose. Pretty sure I made this kid’s morning,” Moose said as I knelt to the floor. Jase’s cheeks squished as a little grin appeared.
I rubbed my palm over Jase’s belly. “Sounds like a fun morning. Auntie Mel and Uncle Moose taking care of Mommy’s little man.”
Mel stalked by us and crossed her arms over her chest as she sat on the couch.
“No, more like TJ stole a happy baby from me, which would’ve been the scream you heard.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. Those two were worse than an old married couple.
Moose shook his head. “That’s not how it went down and you know it. He was screaming because you were holding him and he saw me. He wanted his Uncle Moose. Not you.”
Mel remained silent with her arms over her chest, staring off to the side of the room.
Moose made baby faces as he said, “He’s smiling a lot more now.”
“Every day it’s something new.” I gently twirled the single curl that topped his otherwise hairless head. “Poor guy. Mommy doesn’t know where this curl came from, but it’s too darn cute,” I told him, my smile growing.
“Is it from you know who?” Mel asked, finally joining us and closing the gap around Jase.
“Parker?” I asked. She nodded as if to say, uh yeah, who else? “No, definitely wasn’t him. He didn’t have a single curl on his head.” I didn’t know where the curl came from, but part of me believed it was just a Jase thing.
While I was pregnant, I’d filled Moose in on the Parker situation. He was ready to jump in his truck, hunt him down, and beat him to a pulp. Once I told Moose it was my choice not to tell Parker we had a baby together, he released the imaginary hold on Parker’s collar and simmered down. It wasn’t seconds later that he became Daddy Moose and lectured me on at least five different reasons why Parker deserved to know.
I was afraid. Afraid Jase wouldn’t be wanted, or that he’d be ousted from Parker’s life like my parents ousted us out of theirs. Jase didn’t know the difference, but I did. I didn’t know if I was resilient enough to handle another unbearable disowning. This momma was sheltering her son from unwarranted pain.
“Earth to Cass. Helloooo.” Moose’s voice snapped me out of my hectic mind, both of them looking at me as if I were crazy. Maybe I was.
“Sorry.” I shrugged sheepishly.
“Girl, you gotta stop doing that. It freaks me out.” Mel nudged my arm. “Your mommy’s a little cray cray,” Mel sang as she tickled Jase.
“I’ve never seen such a happy baby,” Trish said, sneaking up behind us, readjusting her apron.
“I think I hit the jackpot,” I replied. “What can we help with? How many people are coming?”
Her lips formed a straight line as she wiped her hands on her apron. Her response was void as she took a few moments for herself. Courageous. That was Trish, trudging through this moment, hosting this gathering to honor her son. You could feel the break in her heart rupturing each second her eyes held yours. On the surface, she was curly-haired, honey-eyed Trish. Inside though, she wasn’t okay. How could she be?
“Hey, I got this. Go get some fresh air, Mom.” My eyes were so focused on Trish that I didn’t even witness Aidan’s arrival. He towered a good foot over her from behind with his hands resting on her shoulders, wearing a smile and a fitted navy tee with his running shorts.
She shrugged her shoulders as if willing his hands away from her. “Stop, Dan. Leave it be. You don’t need to try and help. Just go get dressed.” Trish’s voice was harsh—something I’d never heard before.
He closed his eyes for a brief moment, removed his hands from her shoulders, and began rubbing his temple. “Mom, I’m telling you I want to help.” He stepped a few feet to the side, closer to the mini circle the three of us awkwardly sat in.
Mel’s eyes darted around as if she were trying to find anything to focus on besides the dark cloud in the room.
Trish turned her gaze to the floor. “I don’t need it. I can handle doing this today. Just go away.” She adjusted her apron and scurried off to the kitchen.
Aidan ran a hand down his face and then back up into his dark hair, looking completely frustrated. Trish had just dismissed her only living son. I caught his eyes in passing and I could see it—he wore it all over his flustered expression. He could never do right. We had that in common. I knew how it felt to have a parent look at you like everything you did was wrong.
I offered him a sincere smile. I’m sorry, Aidan.
He returned my smile and tucked his hands in his pockets.
The tension around us thickened, filling the room like a foggy morning. Thankfully, Moose took it upon himself to break it. “Running this morning, Big D?”
Aidan teetered on his heels. “Yeah. Um, my run got cut short last night. Needed to get out. Clear my head.”
Right before Moose could ask why, I stood and jumped in to get some introductions out of the way.
“Dan, this is Melanie. Melanie, Dan—Jason’s brother.” I pointed between the two.
Mel met his hand with hers. “Nice to meet you . . . again,” Mel clipped.
“Huh?” Moose asked.
I discreetly jabbed my elbow into her side.
She coughed and scowled at me before the light bulb went on. “Big D, huh? So, what’s with the nickname?”
Moose grabbed Aidan’s shoulder and grinned. “He was our high school quarterback. Best one the school’s ever had. He’s the man, the big man, Big D.”
Mel tapped her finger to her chin. “Ah, well then. Should I call you Aidan, Dan, or Big D? You’ve got a lot of names, it seems.” Mel glared at him.
Her comment reminded me that I never got to the bottom of his ten million names last night.
I cleared my throat. “I’m pretty curious myself. Why so many names?” I bent down to pick up Jase. Wrapping my arms around him, I waited along with a pissed-off Mel for answers.
Moose let go of Aidan and retreated to the floor, sitting down beside the couch. “It’s a funny story actually, but I don’t know if you want to hear it. It involves Jason.”
Aidan took a seat on the couch and put his elbows on his knees, cradling his head in his hands. He looked mentally exhausted. I hadn’t even considered how this weekend would affect him.
I looked back at Mel. She was sucking in her cheek as she watched the same display of grief I was. This weekend was about Jason. If this story involved him, then it should be shared.
I smiled as I passed Moose and took a seat next to Aidan. I rested Jase against my chest, and said softly, “I want to hear it.”
Aidan’s head turned slowly. He wore a slight grin on his face. “You sure?” he asked, looking at me. I nodded, and his eyes blinked several times as they ventured downward, to Jase. A warm smile spread across his lips and then his eyes drifted to Moose and Mel, who both nodded. Aidan shifted and leaned back into the couch. He rubbed his palms down the length of his shorts and then stared ahead at the cold fireplace. I couldn’t stop watching him. Was I waiting for him to break apart? Would I?
Aidan seemed lost in thought before he shook his head and started. “When Jase was about a year and a half, he was learning words and names. He’d already gotten ma-ma and da-da out of the way, but as his big brother I was working on getting him to say my name.”
By this time, Aidan’s mouth had stretched and the corners of his lips were deep into his cheeks. I couldn’t help but replicate the expression as he continued.
“I was only five, but I swear I can still remember kneeling in front of him as he wore a diaper with his crazy curly hair, begging him to say my name. Ai-dan, Ai-dan. I pronounced it for him time after time. But the only thing he got out of that?”
Aidan’s eyes were trained on mine. I didn’t flinch as I waited for the answer.
“Dan. He would only say Dan. Apparently, pronouncing it for him caused him to focus on the last part instead of the whole word. He only got Dan out of my name. Everywhere we went; everything we did. Dan-Dan hold my hand, Dan-Dan read me story.” He expelled a breath and shook his head. “Cutest damn kid there was.”
My cheeks were sore from smiling so hard. I knew tears had shed though, as the wetness seeped down, landing on my arm that held Jase. “So you were forever called Dan then, I’m guessing?” I wiped the evidence of happy tears away.
“Damn straight. And we never stopped,�
� Moose answered. A chuckle escaped Mel, who tried to hide the nonchalant wipe under her eyes.
Aidan’s smile never relented. “It stuck for everyone, including my parents. I’ve been Dan ever since Jase dubbed me with that new name.”
I concentrated on the dark carpet. “You must hate when I call you Aidan, then?” I lifted my gaze, only to meet his.
He shook his head. “It’s still my name.”
My mouth curved into a slight smile. For some reason, I liked calling him something that fewer people did. It was as if it was my name for him. “Okay.”
“Well, that was a cute story. How about we finish getting this party ready, huh?” Mel stood and ushered us all like Mother Hubbard out of the living room.
We all filed out. Moose followed Mel, leaving me and Aidan as the caboose. I glanced behind me at Aidan. “I’m glad you shared the story.”
A small smile formed on his lips. “Me too.” He walked around and paused as he stood beside me. “But I wouldn’t hate anything you called me,” he whispered before sauntering down the hall.
A single, skin tingling shiver ran from the nape of my neck to the dip below my back. Damn. Friends weren’t supposed to say things like that.
Ten
Cassandra
TRISH HAD BEEN PREPARING all day, and it was finally time for her dinner to begin. She walked up to me with her arms outstretched. “Time to make the rounds; I’ll take Jase if you don’t mind. I have to show this little guy off for all of Keaton to see.” Trish ended her sentence in song as she took him from my arms.
“Well, let’s go.” I expelled a heavy breath of air, deflating my cheeks.
We stepped outside, and she wasn’t lying. It seemed as though the whole town was there. Tables lined the driveway, folding chairs filled the garage, and the gate to the backyard was open. People were scattered in every direction. Overwhelmed was an understatement. The stunned look in Mel’s eyes had me stifling a giggle. I knew a few of the guests arriving, but she didn’t have a clue who anyone was.
“Beer’s that way,” I told her, pointing to the garage.
“It’s like you read my mind,” she said, gesturing to her head as she peaced out. She’d make new friends in no time, knowing her.