by B. A. Wolfe
But the thought of Jase’s little face stole my sight. Parker was his father. What if he wanted to apologize or meet his son? Shouldn’t I give Jase the chance to know him?
Enough. I called a halt to the mental torrent and answered with a text.
Me: We can meet at noon. But this is the last time.
I cringed as I watched the bar on my phone show the text’s progress. In less than three seconds, it was sent. Done. His response was immediate. My hand covered the stabbing pain in my stomach.
Parker: See you Monday.
I tossed my phone back onto the counter and sank into a chair. What did I just do?
Thirty-Four
Dan
THE PAST WEEK HAD surpassed my normal, ordinary routine by tenfold. I’d leave work and go straight to Cassie’s apartment to see her and Jase. We fell into a comfortable rhythm and I loved every minute of it.
Moose also had his weekly visit, which went better than expected. Thanks to his previous interrogation at my apartment, he already knew about me and Cassie. This only shocked Cassie when she went to tell him and he didn’t appear surprised by her confession. Moose kicked me out after we all had dinner, and I played the role of being upset; but really, I was glad she had a guy like him to protect her when I wasn’t there.
I glanced down at the clock. I was only an hour out from Keaton. Traffic was moving along nicely for a Friday afternoon. My peripherals wouldn’t stop glaring at the empty passenger seat, though. I’d wanted to drive Cassie and Jase to Keaton this weekend, but she had to finish something for work and then she planned to leave early for a meeting on Monday.
School was closed that day so I was staying through, which gave me a chance to make some progress with my dad. I also wanted to come clean to my mom about me and Cassie before she arrived. My nerves consumed me as I drove toward my hometown. It wasn’t me I worried about—they already hated me. It was Cassie. If they so much as glanced at her wrong, I’d come unglued.
Less than an hour later, I pulled up to my parents’ house. Using my key, I unlocked the door and twisted the handle. My mom stood glaring at me with a confused set of eyes. She’d clearly expected Cassie in the doorway instead. I lowered my shoulder and let my bag fall off of it.
“I didn’t know you were coming this weekend.” Her voice was anything but welcoming.
I took her tone as a sign that being here early might have been a bad idea. “I’ve been here every weekend, Mom. You just don’t want me here.”
Her eyes searched the floor. “That’s not true.”
“It’s true and you know it.” I didn’t wait for her to respond. Grabbing my bag, I stalked off to my bedroom and slammed the door behind me. Damn, I hated this. I hated that she wouldn’t just admit she was angry with me. A tiny voice echoed in the silence and told me to go back out there and get this over with once and for all.
I opened my door, marched down the hall, and found her standing in the same place. Her eyes darted to me as I approached. Like a bullet releasing from a gun, I pulled the trigger to my mouth and let the words barrel out. “I can’t bring him back, Mom.”
Her brown eyes blinked several times. “What are you talking about?”
She knew exactly what I was talking about. “Jason, Mom. I’m talking about Jason.” I shook my head. My chest tightened as I said his name. “You don’t think I wish it were me instead? You don’t see how all of this affected me, do you? I lost my brother, Mom. I lost the only sibling I had. I’m alone. I know you lost a son, but I’m here too, damn it.”
My hands hung lifeless at my sides. “At some point you have to forgive yourself. Jason hid his illness from everyone, not just you. You’re not even wearing the damn necklace I got you.” I bought her that necklace for Mother’s Day a long time ago.
She palmed her bare neckline. “You really want to talk about this now?”
No. Yes. I ran my fingers through my hair and nodded.
“You left, Dan. You left us all.”
She’d never understand. I shook my head at her words.
She nodded in disagreement. “In our greatest time of need, you left us. That hurt. Jason needed you. We all needed you. I’m done talking about this.” She marched into the kitchen.
I followed. “You don’t even know what Jase wanted, Mom.”
She whipped her head around with a deathly glare. “And you did?” A lone tear escaped the corner of her eye and it hit me hard as it slid down her cheek. She was just being protective of her son. I’d never told them why I left, because I was being protective of my brother.
“You were protecting him, but so was I.”
“No. You left. You weren’t here to protect him at all.”
I approached her cautiously and put my hand on her back, gesturing toward the family room. “Sit down. We need to talk.” What I originally wanted to talk about was Cassie, not this. But it needed to be done. It was now or never. And the words that had been trapped on my lips for years were ready to be spoken.
“What it is, Dan?” She took a seat on the far side of the couch.
“I need to tell you why I left. Why I did what I did.” Her eyes softened and a soft breath expelled from her pursed lips.
After too many months of holding it in, I finally explained my agreement with Jase. “It was what he wanted, Mom. As much as it broke me to leave my baby brother, he needed me to do it, to give him hope. He said he needed to feel like we weren’t all sitting around waiting for him to die.” She cried into her hands as I spoke.
“You should’ve stayed for us, Dan. I needed you.”
My heart crushed into bite size pieces. I should’ve thought about my mom and dad more. But I wanted to do right by Jase, and that was all that mattered at the time. “I had to protect him the only way I knew, Mom.”
“I wish you would’ve told me.” Her voice was barely audible as she stared ahead, a distant look in her eyes.
“I couldn’t. You’d have taken it out on Jase. He didn’t need that. I didn’t want him to think he was going to die, Mom. I had to leave.”
“I don’t like it, Dan. Not one bit.”
“He was my brother. I’d do anything for him. I miss him so damn much, but I’m tired of you guys hating me and treating me this way.”
“We don’t hate you.” Her voice sounded unconvincing.
I huffed. “You sure as shit aren’t nice.”
“Enough with the language.” Her motherly eyes squinted and then a small heartbroken smile appeared on her face. “We were so proud, Dan. You had such a future ahead of you. We thought we’d get you into college and then Jason was next. We wanted you boys to have what we didn’t. And then we ignored Jason and all the signs that he was ill. And I’m a nurse, Dan. A nurse! I should’ve caught it.” Her voice grew soft, almost absent as she wept.
I closed the distance between us. It felt like miles, even though it was only the width of one couch cushion. She flinched for a moment as my arm splayed across her slouched shoulders. “Stop blaming yourself, Mom. Stop feeling guilty. Just stop.”
Tears soaked her face. “Parents aren’t supposed to bury their children, Dan.”
A little piece of my soul shattered with her words. It went against nature for a parent to watch their child die.
“I know, but siblings aren’t supposed to have to say goodbye to each other so young either.” I turned and took my crying mother in both of my arms.
“I never hated you. I didn’t. It was just easier to blame you than myself, and then you left and I was so angry.”
I spoke softly, trying to use my words to soothe her, but truth be told I was just as hurt. “I know, Mom. I know. I wanted to do right by Jase. I was only thinking of him.” My heart broke into even smaller pieces as she cried in my arms. In her eyes, I was an ass for leaving, and in mine, I was a guy just trying to do what his sick brother wanted. “I’m trying, Mom. I really am. I just wish Dad would let me help him. I tried to go to the farm. He told me no.”
“H
e hasn’t been to the farm in months.”
My embrace loosened as I peered at her. “He hasn’t?”
She sniffled and shook her head. “He must’ve been going to the shop.”
“I could have sworn he said farm. Huh?! Why hasn’t he been going?” Weird.
“He’s getting older, Dan. It’s harder for him to do manual labor.” It made sense.
I released her from my arms. “You can talk to me; I’m here. You always find some reason to leave the house, but I’m here, Mom.”
“I know you’re here. I do.”
I rubbed my sweating palms down my jeans, preparing myself to talk to her about what I originally wanted to. “There’s something else we need to talk about.”
Her soft brown eyes grew wide. “What is it? Are you okay?” Damn it. I didn’t mean to scare her like that.
I rubbed her back. “Mom, I’m okay. It’s not anything like that. It’s something else. Something I don’t even know how to explain or say, but I have to.” I took a deep breath and let it all out, spilling everything from our meeting at the coffee shop, to the bar, to finally falling in love with Cassie.
“Oh, Dan,” my mom’s voice whispered.
I stared ahead at the empty fireplace and nodded. “I know.”
Several minutes passed and her hand startled me as it covered my knee that bounced with nervous energy. “Does Cassandra feel the same way?”
“I think so. I hope so.” I shrugged with a shameless smile. “Mom, the way she stares at me and the way she holds me makes me believe with every fiber in my body that she does.”
“So, you’re the one.” She spoke softly as her lips curved up.
“The one?” What in the hell was she talking about?
“Nothing.” She shook her head. “Cassandra and I had a talk the other day and it makes more sense now why she was having such a hard time. You were watching over her for Jason, weren’t you?”
How did she know this shit?
I nodded, still unsure how the one person I barely spoke with knew all of this. “Mom, I didn’t plan this. You have to know that. I feel so guilty. The only reason we met was because of Jase.”
Her warm hand wrapped around mine. “I know, Dan. The weekend that Cassandra crashed and Jason found her, you were supposed to be here.”
I looked at her with a questioning glance. I vaguely remembered I wanted to go visit Jase. It had been weeks. I’d made plans and then got called into work. I just couldn’t remember if that was the same weekend.
“Jason called and said you weren’t coming for the weekend like you originally planned and that he was on his way to the hospital. I’ll never forget that phone call. I thought it was him that was coming in so I panicked. And then he arrived with Cassandra.”
I shook my head in disbelief. She couldn’t possibly remember that.
“Your paths would’ve crossed then,” she whispered. “Don’t disregard meeting her because of Jason. Everything happens for a reason, Dan. I have to believe it does.” She hung onto those last words as if they were her only hope in life.
“At first I said I was just doing what Jason asked, but now I couldn’t stay away even if I tried. I can’t let her go.”
“I have something for you.” Her hand released mine and she took off down the hallway. After several minutes, the pitter-patter of her feet rounded the corner. She carried a white letter-sized envelope in her hand. “I wasn’t sure when to give you this, but it seems now is the right time.”
I took the envelope from her outstretched hand and slit the top open, pulling out the folded paper inside. I glanced up at my mom once more as I read who the letter was addressed to. She nodded and returned a glance that told me to just keep reading.
Dan & Cassie,
I told Mom to give you this letter when the time was right. If you’re reading this, that means my push worked and you’ve found your way to each other.
This is both sweet and sorrowful to write, but I have to. If you’re reading this, it means I’m gone. But don’t think the idea of you together never crossed my mind many times before. It did. This isn’t to hurt either of you, but to make sure you understand what I did. You can help each other heal and push one another to be better. It’s in your natures. And that’s what I love most about you both.
Cassie, you’ll never know how much you meant to me. You were everything I ever needed and more. I’m not sure I was your forever, but I’d like to think I was. I look back and watch how tightly I held onto you when we met. Thank you for playing a silly board game with me, going on picnics, and just being there to talk to. Keep enjoying your moments, but make sure you enjoy them with someone you love.
Dan, I can’t tell you how much I miss you. But I know you’re off doing great things and for that I can sit here with a smile on my face and be the proud brother you know I am. I’ve kept all our letters, and that right there makes up for you not being in Keaton. Sometimes I reread them and pretend like you’re just upstairs and not miles away. I’m sorry I let you down and never got the chance to come visit you. Life had other plans, I guess.
I’d tell you to take care of Cassie’s baby, but I know you already will. You always took care of me, Dan. I have no doubt you’ll do the same for her son. Don’t tell her, but I think it’s a boy. Another Robin for you to protect! Continue to be the superhero I know you were born to be and remember you’ll always be my Batman.
It’s time for me to go. I have to head into surgery soon, but I have one last thing to say. Dan and Cassie, be the love that you both need. Take care of each other and take this as my blessing. I love you both, but who you both need right now is each other.
Love always,
Jase
Mom’s thumb wiped a few tears from my cheeks as I stared at the words I just read.
“I read this letter just after he wrote it. I didn’t understand it then; in fact, I completely disagreed with it, but he continued to insist I take it. Now that I see you like this and her like that—I know what Jase meant. You both need each other. You’ve both always needed one another. Maybe your paths didn’t cross sooner, but they’ve crossed now. We don’t all get second chances, Dan.”
I lifted my eyes from the letter to see her tender features watching me. “What do I do?” I never asked my mom for advice, but I was at a loss.
“You need to show her the letter.” Her words sounded so sure.
“I can’t.” My mind went back to the letter as I shook my head. “She doesn’t even know that Jase asked me to look out for her.”
“She deserves to know.” Her comforting hand rubbed my back. “You know that. You’ll do what’s right. You always seem to, even if it takes me awhile to see it.”
“Thanks, Mom.” And it was true. I couldn’t thank her enough for this.
“I’m really sorry. I can’t speak for your father, but please know that I needed this with you. I’ve missed my son.”
I didn’t realize the hurt and longing I had buried deep inside of me until my mom’s shorter arms wrapped around my much larger frame. My chest tightened and I fought like hell to keep the tears inside. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, Dan.”
We rose from the couch and I handed the letter back to her. “You keep it for now.”
“Are you sure?” Her voice was laced with confusion.
“I’m sure. You’ll keep it safe. I need your help with something else, though.”
“Anything,” she said with a smile. A smile I’d missed seeing on her aging face.
Thirty-Five
Dan
Cassie: Be there in five. Right around the corner.
I SLIPPED MY PHONE INTO MY POCKET. My heart raced as though I was waiting for my date to arrive. Which wasn’t far from the truth. I only hoped she liked what I had planned.
The door unlocked and my heart thudded with intensity. I stood only a few feet away as she entered, soaking her in as if I hadn’t seen her in months. There was nothing more beautiful
than a woman smiling as she came through the door carrying her baby. Her hair was down and in loose curls. You’re so beautiful, Cassie. She didn’t have a clue what she did to me.
Closing the small gap between us, I cupped the side of her cheek and grazed my lips along her ear. “I’ve missed you, beautiful.” A stifled moan rumbled in her throat as I dipped my head to my little Robin. I pressed a gentle kiss to his soft head as he battled sleep.
Cassie sighed. “He’s tired. He cried the first hour of the ride, and then he fought sleep the second hour. He finally passed out right as we got here. He’s ready for bed.” Cassie sounded a little exhausted herself, but she could sleep later. I had plans for us.
I took her bag and set it down. “You ready?”
She shifted Jase in her arms as her eyes questioned me. “For what?”
My face split into a grin. “I have a reservation for two.”
***
Cassandra
“Uh,” I started to say as I looked down at Jase in my arms.
“Mom’s watching him tonight.” Right as Aidan finished his sentence, Trish was all smiles as she reached for Jase. What was going on?
“That’s right. Nana Trish is watching the sweet little guy tonight, aren’t I,” she said in a baby voice as I handed him to her, giving Jase a kiss on the forehead before she took him. “Mommy loves you,” I whispered to him.
I cocked my head. “What’s going on here?”
Trish appeared guilty and all but ran into the other room. Aidan and I stood facing one another. I couldn’t help but drink him in. He wore a white button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up a few inches and his faded jeans had visible wear on them. My eyes traveled further down and that’s when my stomach did a triple jump off the high-dive. Cowboy boots peeked out from his slightly tighter than normal jeans. My eyes lit up. A small sigh of satisfaction escaped me as I enjoyed my view while waiting for his response.
He flashed a smug smile. He knew I noticed his choice of attire for the evening. “I already told you. We have a reservation.”
“The diner doesn’t do reservations.” I knew as well as he did that no place around here took reservations.