by B. A. Wolfe
I glanced at my watch. Parker was twenty minutes late. What a great way to start. I sent him a text asking where he was. He only had a few more minutes until I decided to bail. Moments later my phone vibrated. Parker was calling. Great.
“Where are you?” I asked, a little more than pissed.
Parker cleared his throat. “I’m at work. I’m not meeting you.”
I shook my head. “I figured as much.”
“It’s not just that. I don’t want to do this. I’ve contacted my lawyer and he’s getting papers ready so I can sign my rights over to you.”
What!? I held my breath and glanced down. The tears threatened to spill as I stared silently at Jase. I tried to replay his words, but my head couldn’t grasp them. He’s signing over his rights? He didn’t want this? What in God’s name was going on?
“Say something.”
“Why? Why, Parker? You asked to meet us. What in the hell is going on?” My throat grew tight and my body trembled as I tried to hold the phone steady to my ear.
He sighed heavily. “Listen, my mom’s the one who wanted this. She told me to meet you and the baby and talk, and said I needed to give this a chance. I did what she asked, but then today came and, well . . . screw my mom. I’m not interested. This isn’t me. I don’t want to be a dad. I don’t know what the hell to do with a kid. I talked to my dad and he contacted his lawyer. You’ll have the papers by Monday.”
Red. The whole park turned a deep shade of crimson. My poor eyes had seen this color too often over the course of a couple of weeks. I clenched my jaw so tight my neck muscles began to ache. The hell?! He wasn’t getting away with this. “He’s an innocent baby. Your baby! You don’t get to do this, Parker. Do you fucking hear me?”
He chuckled, making my skin crawl. “It’s already done, babe.”
I closed my eyes and screamed. My head was ready to explode and pop off my body with as much anger as I had brewed inside of me. “You are the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever met. I hope you know that. Don’t you contact me ever again!” Tears spilled, rolling down my cheeks. I couldn’t hold anything back. They fought their way out and I lost. They washed down my face as I sat on the bench rocking back and forth. “Why are you doing this?”
“I didn’t ask for any of this. I have big plans for my life and you and that baby aren’t part of it. You were just a one-night stand. I don’t want to be with you. And I definitely don’t want to be tied to you for the next eighteen fucking years.”
I swallowed back the bile that burned in my throat. “Go to hell, you fucking asshole!” Without a second thought, I ended the call. He wasn’t just not showing up, the bastard wasn’t going to be a dad at all. All I wanted was for Jase to know his father. To have someone to call Dad.
At that final thought, I lost it. My head dropped onto my lap as I cried, soaking my legs underneath me. I held my knees and tucked myself together. Why? It was the only word that echoed in my mind. Why? This week was testing my strength and I was proving how easy it was for me to break apart. Every ounce of strength I possessed vaporized as I bawled. I had nothing left to give. Nothing left to offer anyone. I didn’t even deserve my baby. He had a broken shell for a mother. I slowly lifted my head, grabbed my phone, and opened my text messages.
Me: I need you
Three simple words that were also the biggest request I could ask. If there was ever any moment I needed someone to hold me, to tell me it was going to be okay, it was now.
A light breeze whipped through my hair. I tucked Jase’s blankets around him. He was starting to doze off. My phone vibrated on my lap, causing my heart to accelerate. I needed this person, badly.
Mel: What’s going on? Where are you?
Me: I’m at Wash Park. Parker didn’t show. He said he’s signing his rights over. I can’t move.
Mel: WTF!!!! I’m at work, but let me figure this out. Stay put.
Me: Thank you
Mel: Just stay there. I love you
Me: I love you
My body was anchored to the bench. I physically couldn’t move. I didn’t know whom else to contact. I needed my best friend. I needed someone to fall apart on, to hold me because I couldn’t even lift myself.
Minutes passed and my phone vibrated again. It was Mel. I answered without hesitation.
“Hello?”
“Listen. I couldn’t leave work. But, I have someone coming.”
“Wh-who?”
“Don’t freak out, but he should be there any second.”
“He?” I asked. I was afraid to even know.
“Aidan,” she whispered.
My heart leaped into my throat as she said his name. I grew tense and jumped up from the bench. “Why, Mel?” I asked breathlessly. He was the last person I wanted to see. He was the last person I wanted to see me like this.
“Trust me, Cass,” she muttered. I let my shoulders slouch and my chin drop to my chest. Tears streamed rapidly, soaking my shirt.
Within seconds, footsteps sounded behind me. I tried to lift my heavy head, to look at him. I willed my mouth to open and tell him to leave me alone. I begged my arms to grab Jase and pleaded with my rooted legs to run away. My body was broken beyond repair. There was nothing I could do but remain in my current motionless state.
His scent awakened my nose. He was so close. My skin prickled and tingled and it was then I knew he was right behind me. The footsteps ceased and my phone was being slipped from my hand. “I’m here, Mel. Thanks for calling me. I’ll get her home . . . okay, bye.”
His strong hands gripped my numb shoulders, turning me toward him. Not a second later, he wrapped his arms around me, letting me weep hard onto his chest. “Just breathe, baby. I’ve got you.”
“He’s . . . signing . . . over . . . his . . . rights . . .” I told him in between hard cries.
“Shhh. Just let me hold you,” he whispered, hugging me tighter.
Tears rained down with force as my body sank into his hold. I craved these arms. They were calming and soothing, and everything I wanted to have wrapped around me at a time like this. Yet it was impossible for me enjoy them. They belonged to someone who lied, who made me some kind of way to pay his brother back. That very reason shredded me, but the truth was I was too weak to push his arms away. I needed them, I yearned for them. They belonged around my body like icing belonged around cake. It made the cake. It covered it and protected it, but also made it better and sweet. That’s exactly what Aidan did to me. He made me a better person. My poor heart and mind didn’t know what to think. She was being pulled back and forth, more confused than ever. I needed to go home.
“I’m so sorry, Cassie.”
I wasn’t sure what stung worse. The sound of his voice and what it did to my insides or the crap week I had. Between Parker, the lies, the hurt, the betrayal, I felt snowballed. Unfortunately, I knew bad things came in threes. A hard cry left my soaked lips as I imagined something else going wrong.
“Shhh. I’m here, Cassie. I’ve got you. You’re okay.”
I willed my lungs to expand, to let me catch my breath once again. They did as I asked and my body inhaled and exhaled, as if I were learning how to breathe all over again. “I want to go home,” I mumbled against his chest.
He didn’t say a word, he simply nodded and released his soothing cage from my body.
“Let me drive you home.”
I lifted my eyes. The sight of him stole my breath. Dark circles shadowed his eyes, his hair was a mess, and his normal, sexy grin wasn’t anywhere to be found. I shook my head. “I can drive. Th-Thank you for coming.” Those words were the hardest to get out yet.
My heart screamed at me to just let my anger go. To give in and let him take me home, but my brain yelled louder. He lied and hurt you. Was it even real? Deep down I believed it was. But my head still told me no.
“You aren’t in any condition to drive. I’d rather take you.”
“I’ll be okay. Please, just stop asking.”
“Okay.�
�� His voice sounded defeated. He lifted Jase’s car seat and led the way. “I have something for you. I’ll put it in your car.”
Aidan put Jase’s car seat in the back, buckled him in, and shut the door. I sank into the driver’s seat, wishing my ego and pride hadn’t gotten in the way and just let him drive me home instead. With a few final words he placed a huge moving box in the back seat. He came over to my side and knelt by the window. “I’m following you to make sure you make it back, okay?”
I nodded. Thank you, Aidan.
A depressed smile appeared on his face. He stood, drew in a heavy breath, and went to his car.
I released the air I’d been holding and drove. He was true to his word. He followed me all the way back to my apartment, then waited for me to park until he drove off.
Forty-Two
Cassandra
JASE AND I LAY HUDDLED on a blanket spread out on the living room floor. My poor baby had a lifeless mother. I tried to pull myself together the best I could.
The front door opened and a frantic Mel rushed in and tossed her bags to the side before she knelt beside Jase and me. “I’m so sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.”
“Why him?” I asked, lifting myself off the floor and sitting on my knees.
Her eyes drifted to the carpet and her hand to Jase’s back. “I believe him, Cass.”
I narrowed my gaze on her. “Why?”
She finally looked up. “I hate seeing you hurt. It’s my job as your best friend to kick someone’s ass. But in this case, his ass doesn’t need kicking anymore than he’s already done to himself. Cass,” she said, scooting closer to me. “He’s telling you the truth. What you both shared, it was all real.”
“I don’t want to hear this.” The tears trailed down my cheeks.
“You’re going to run out of tears at some point. Then what? What’s next, Cass? You’re just going to sit in a slump and live your life with a crippled heart and your eyes to the ground? You’re pushing everyone away who’s trying to make you happy because that’s what you deserve? You won’t let anyone get close to you.”
“You don’t understand. You’re not in my shoes.” She couldn’t feel the hurt and pain he’d caused because it didn’t happen to her. It was easy to give advice when you’re not the one whose world was flipped on its axis.
“That’s what allows me to see the things you don’t though, because I’m not in the position you are. He told me he was giving you something. What was it?”
I jerked my head up and met her stare. I’d forgotten all about it. “He put a box in my car.”
“I’ll go grab it,” she said, before leaving the apartment.
Five minutes later, Mel returned with a large cardboard box in her arms. “It’s not very heavy. I wonder what it is.” She set it down in front of me. I put Jase in his swing and knelt before the box. Mel sat on the couch with her hands folded in her lap. “Do you want me to leave? Give you some alone time?”
“No, stay. Please.” My gut pitted and I knew I needed someone here when I opened it. I sucked in a deep breath and pulled open the box flaps that were tucked in on top. My mouth widened at the words scribbled across the cardboard in black marker. Jason’s Dresser. My heart rate was at an all time high as my eyes glassed over.
“Go ahead, Cass,” Mel urged.
My hands trembled as I reached into the box. My fingers clasped a folded letter, pulling it out. My name was scribbled at the top in Jason’s handwriting.
Oh, God.
With an agonizing pain deep in my belly, I clenched my teeth and forced myself to read. I had to.
Cassie,
You’re probably wondering why I sent my brother to check on you. I had to know someone out there was watching you from the ground since you already have me watching you from above.
It took me years to get over the heartache from Anna and only a matter of minutes to erase all the hurt she caused me, because you came crashing into my life. You’ll never understand—hell, I have a hard time grasping how quickly I fell for you, but I did. In only a matter of a day, you had me. From the cute, shy smile on your face, to your little giggle and the way you always made sure I was okay. You had me in so many ways my head spun just from thinking about you.
You’re getting this letter because I’m not here anymore. I didn’t make it, but not because I didn’t want to be here. Life had bigger plans for you and me. The only thing I know is that I had the best last weeks of my life and it’s all thanks to you, sweetheart.
My brother is my best friend. He knows me better than anyone. I trust him with my life and that’s why I trust him to take care of the only other thing in my life that I care about . . . you.
He’s my savior and I know one day he’ll be yours, too, if you let him. I always saw a lot of Dan in you. The way you called me Jase, the way you always planned your life out, wanting to make something of yourself. You’re so much like Dan, and you don’t even know it. Don’t ever lose that. I admire that about you and him. Be sure to take in the moments and embrace them before they pass by, but don’t forget to live for your future too, Cassie. I didn’t because I didn’t think I had a future to live for, but you do.
I guess the biggest reason I wanted him to watch out for you was that I didn’t want you to be lonely or ever have that sad look in your eyes again. I wanted someone who I knew would take care of you just like I did, to be there when I obviously couldn’t. So let him. If I know Dan, he’s standing right next to you, pacing while you read this letter. If I know Dan like I think I do, his stomach is in knots because that’s how much he cares. He would always wait outside my hospital room and pace when the doctors were with me. He doesn’t like to see anyone in pain. He’s a giver, a helper, and a man with a big heart. I look up to him more than he’ll ever know.
I’ll never forget you and I’ll always be with you, Cassie. I’m in your heart, in your mind, but most importantly, I’m in your head trying to give you better directions. I’m in the trees as you pass them by. I’m in the green lights as you drive under them, wishing you’d stop and take a moment to dance in the street. Lastly, I’m in the boots you wear on your feet, guiding you in the right direction. I’ll always smile, knowing I bought your first pair.
Sweetheart, it’s time I say goodbye. I’m struggling to get through this last part because I don’t ever want to say goodbye to you. You’re my hero; my brave, sweet, smart, and beautiful hero. You never once made me feel like I was any less of a man because I was sick. I owe you everything. So please, let Dan give you everything you deserve. He’s not going to have a hard time doing it. I can assure you of that.
Green Light, sweetheart.
Jase
The letter slipped through my hands, falling to my lap. I covered my face and bawled. My stomach hung on for dear life as I rocked back and forth, crying my heart out. Many things ran through my mind as I wept. I finally understood why Dan did what his brother asked him to. This letter was heartbreaking and made me want to do anything I could for Jase. And it wasn’t just that. It was the fact Jase knew his brother so well he trusted him with me. Jase didn’t want me to be lonely. This letter held the words I never got to hear before he died.
I cried . . . hard. My heart slowly split into pieces, cutting me as the shards drifted away.
The last part of his letter killed me the most. The boots—my damn boots that I didn’t have any more. I couldn’t wear them for him or for myself. I’d left them to be buried with Jason because I couldn’t handle seeing them. Now all I wanted was to look at them, to hold and have them. “Damn it!” I shouted.
A hard sob escaped me as I lifted my head. Mel seemed unsure of what to say or do. With shaking hands, I held the letter out for her to take. She did and with a final ounce of strength, I continued through the box, pulling out a smaller piece of paper.
I picked these up when you left them. I knew someday you’d want them back. I was waiting to find the perfect time to give them to you. A time when you’d need
a smile the most. I can’t tell you how sorry I am, Cassie. I hope seeing these bring you some sort of happiness.
Aidan
What did Aidan pick up? My mind swirled with ideas. I became frantic. I rose to my knees and peeked in the box. Oh, my! Soft cries escaped me as I stared down at two gorgeous turquoise cowgirl boots. He’d saved them. He saved my boots. With the back of my hand I wiped away the tears, but it was useless. They continued to pour out quicker than I could keep up.
I pulled each boot out and sat them upright next to the box. I grazed my fingers down the leather shaft all the way to the pointed toe. “My boots,” I muttered.
My eyes found Mel’s. Her hand covered her gaping mouth. She nodded in approval. Her eyes went back to the letter in her hand.
I wasn’t sure my heart could take anymore, but the box wasn’t through with me yet. I reluctantly reached in and pulled out a huge stack of letters bound together with a rubber band. I slipped the band off and took the first one off the stack. Slowly, I peeled it open. My heart raced in anticipation. I swallowed back the lump as I read Jase’s name. It was a letter to Jase. My chest ached with a dull, gnawing pain. I read the first line and my head began to shake back and forth. Oh, God.
Jase,
Go get that city girl a pair of cowgirl boots. I think it’ll be good for the both of you. Take a little day trip to get your minds off everything.
What?! It was . . . there was no way! It was Aidan? Those boots, they were his idea? The tears streamed, heavily, uncontrollable. The boots I so madly fell in love with were his doing. When Jase and I took that trip to the mall, it was exactly what I needed. Aidan was right. We both needed that trip. I couldn’t read anymore. I couldn’t do it. I folded the letter and grabbed the next.
Jase,