Collin let go of my waist as he reached for Lacey’s stroller. “Sounds like a plan to me.”
“Eileen, are you sure you want to sit and wait? Collin and I can always come back another day.”
“You guys are going. There’s no reason not to.”
It didn’t take long to get over to Tomorrowland. Collin and I left Eileen with the strollers and walked toward the entrance for Space Mountain. We passed by a huge polished concrete ball, or maybe it was some type of stone. It was huge, probably close to five feet in diameter. It was nestled in a well of water with water pouring over it. Kids were running around it laughing as they pushed it. The massive sphere would spin in all directions almost as though it were weightless. I knew Riley and Lacey would get a kick out of playing with it.
Entering the line for Space Mountain, I remembered being terrified of the ride as a child, crying all the way through the line, begging my parents not to make me go on it. Most times I would get worked up into such hysteria that, by the time we got to the loading area, one of them would walk me through and wait for everyone else to ride. To this day, I don’t know why it frightened me so badly. Maybe it was the dark. I always had to have a night light on in my room when I was little. I pushed those memories aside. I didn’t want to think about my family or the past. I wanted to focus on today, now, this time with Collin.
As we weaved through the chains that outlined our path, working our way through the line, Collin stole kisses here and there. Standing on the bridge area, we looked down, watching as the shuttles were taking off. Collin had his arms around me, his chin nestled on the top of my head. I pulled out my camera and snapped a picture of us. Flipping the camera around, I checked the image on the back to make sure I didn’t cut our heads off in the picture as I so often did. It was perfect. The shot captured the smiles on both of our faces; the blue lights of the ride as our backdrop made the intensity of Collin’s eyes stand out even more vividly than usual. It was a keeper and would go into my scrapbook that I was beginning to put together.
We crept down the stairs until it was finally our turn to enter into the rocket ships and blast off into the darkness of the ride. The blackness was broken only by tiny sparkles of light as the ride sped along the track—up, down, side to side, the cold air breezing past my face. Way too quickly it was over, and we came to a screeching halt.
We exited the ride, and as we approached Eileen, I realized both Riley and Lacey were running around the large ball of stone, pushing it as it slid on its water base.
Lacey caught sight of Collin first. “Collin! Watch, I can move it all by myself!”
Proud of herself, Lacey pushed on the sphere, and it rolled to the right.
“Wow, Lacey, that’s pretty cool.”
“I can do it too!” Riley interjected as he pushed it to the left and the sphere shifted direction.
Eileen walked up. “Your timing is perfect. They’ve only been up for about ten minutes and have been completely entertained by this thing. Are you guys ready to eat?”
“Yes!” Riley and Lacey answered in unison.
“How about some pizza?”
“Yes!” they both agreed. Who wouldn’t? You could never go wrong with pizza.
* * *
After dinner, we rode Autopia, the Finding Nemo Submarine, and Buzz Lightyear. Dusk had fallen, and the wind had started to pick up. Both Riley and Lacey seemed completely worn out. We decided it was time to call it a day and started walking back to the cars. As we moved through the park toward Main Street, we made one last stop at the castle to take some pictures. The lights had come on, and it was completely lit up. I felt like I was indeed a princess with my Prince Charming, in front of our castle, wishing that the magical day would never come to an end.
We returned Lacey’s stroller and exited the park. Reaching the World of Disney store, we went inside for some souvenirs to add to our Mickey ears. By the time we walked out of the store, each kid had a bag full. Both of them ended up with a package of Mickey Mouse lollipops, Lacey had selected a Tinkerbell T-shirt and a Nemo stuffed animal, while Riley’s choices were a Lightning McQueen T-shirt and a Buzz Lightyear spinning toy. I had found a white sleep shirt that had Mickey and Minnie on it kissing, the background a grid of interlinked gray hearts. It made me smile when I first saw it, and it would forever remind me of this trip with Collin.
Before we left the Disney experience altogether, we made one last stop at the ice cream shop, each of us getting an ice cream cone. After the creamy treats were finished, it was time to get on the tram. The tram ride back to the parking structure was unlike our trip in; everyone was silent. Lacey was leaning against Collin, and Riley was curled up in my lap, resting his head against my shoulder. Eileen maneuvered the stroller off the tram and unfolded it as Riley climbed back in.
“Eileen, we’ll walk you guys up to your car. What level are you on?” Collin asked.
“Mickey Mouse. Riley was quite pleased with that.”
“We ended up on Daisy.”
Catching the elevator just before it shut, we all climbed in and rode it up to Mickey Mouse level. Eileen had gotten lucky so we had parked pretty close to the elevator. There were times I remember being here when I was younger and we’d ended up on the absolute farthest corner away from the escalators. Those were the days when the walk felt like it was miles, made worse when your feet were already aching from being on them all day.
Riley climbed into his car seat, and I figured he would be out before Eileen even got out of the parking structure. The stroller got loaded into the trunk, and I turned to say my goodbyes to Collin and Lacey.
“Bailey, if you want to drive home with Collin, go. I’m good with Riley.”
“It’s okay, Eileen, you don’t need to drive home by yourself.”
“No, really, go.”
“Are you sure? My car is at your house. I can help you get everything inside when I pick it up.”
“That would be great. Now go. Thanks for coming with me, all of you. It would have been really hard for me to bring Riley by himself, and this was way more fun for him.”
Lacey quietly walked over to Eileen, and before anyone knew what she was doing, she threw her arms around Eileen’s legs in a big hug. “Thanks, Mrs. Howard.”
I could see the tears forming in Eileen’s eyes. “You bet, Lacey. You can call me Eileen okay? And we’ll have you come over soon to play with Riley, alright?”
“Okay.” Lacey returned to Collin and grabbed his hand.
Giving Eileen a big smile, I thanked her and leaned in to kiss Riley goodbye. “’Night, buddy, I’ll see you later. Okay?”
“Okay,” Riley murmured sleepily.
I walked with Collin and Lacey back to the escalators to the Daisy level. Collin had not been as lucky as Eileen, and though he was not parked quite at the farthest corner possible, it was close. Lacey was riding piggyback on Collin, and I did not blame her one bit, poor thing. Her little feet had traversed a lot of area today.
When we finally reached Collin’s car, I tossed our bags in the back while he helped Lacey get buckled in. As I’d expected. Lacey was asleep before we even got on the freeway. Collin pulled my hand in his, and they both rested over the console. We drove home with the music playing in the background, mostly quiet, with smoldering glances toward each other. Collin would occasionally squeeze my hand and then bring it up to his lips to kiss it softly. It could not have been a more perfect day.
CHAPTER SIX
It was late, and I had just gotten home from spending the evening with Collin. Since our day at Disneyland, we’d spent some part of every day together. Like the previous nights, we had ended up at the lookout, sitting under the stars, talking and enjoying just being with each other. I was now curled up on my bed in my Disneyland sleep shirt. My window was open, and the breeze was slightly stirring the curtains.
I reached down to grab the book I’d been reading when my fingertips brushed along the edges of my journal. I slowly pulled it out.
It had been so long since I had written anything in it. At one point, it had been a nightly ritual, something I loved to do. Writing had given me a freedom to just be myself, because it didn’t matter what I wrote. I could be as serious or silly as I wanted. I flipped the pages until I reached the last entry.
February 4, 2007
I’m at my aunt and uncle’s house now. It still feels like a nightmare. How could this have happened to me?? What did I do to deserve this? Why did I survive?? Mom, Dad, how could you leave me alone like this? It’s not fair... Brandon and Brooke, I miss you so so much. I can’t do this, I don’t know if I can get through this.
Closing my eyes to stop the pain that washed over me, my eyes filled with tears. This was why I hadn’t picked up the journal for so long. Amazingly, though, the crushing grief that I had felt for the past two years now felt almost bearable. I guess it was true that time did help heal, but I was pretty sure that it had a lot to do with Collin. Maybe it was time to pick up the pen again.
March 27, 2009
It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to write in here. The best thing possible has happened: I’ve met the most amazing guy. He makes me feel alive again. It’s like everything around me seems to stop when he’s there. He makes me feel special, and for the first time I’m actually glad that I did survive. Maybe there was a reason I made it. For so long, I’ve lived with the guilt of being the survivor. I know deep down Mom and Dad would want me to be happy and to move on with my life, and I know Mom especially would love Collin.
I try not to let the fear of something bad looming on the horizon affect me and wish I could just shove it where it would never come out again. But for me, I know life and reality can be harsh. Maybe, though, I’ve paid my dues and it’s time for me to be happy again? That can’t be too much to ask, can it? For now I just want to enjoy the giddy feeling and the excitement that I’m experiencing.
So I’m starting anew, and for now, I’m writing about the good times. Maybe it will all end up being a silly crush, but for now it feels real, and it’s fun.
It’s like he completely understands me. When we’re apart, I long for the time to fly by so that we can be together again.
The first time he kissed me, I could feel the jolt all the way down to my toes, as his gentle lips touched mine. It was better than I’d ever imagined, my first kiss. It felt so right, like we were made for each other. It feels weird. Part of me thinks there is no way it can last, that nothing can be this perfect, not in my world, but I can still hope that maybe...just maybe...my luck might be changing.
I won’t wait so long to write again. It feels good. For now I guess it’s time for bed. It’s late, and in the morning I’ll have little Riley to entertain.
Sliding the pen back into the journal, I set it aside. It was crazy how just writing a few words on paper made me feel so much better, like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. I wondered again how a few short weeks could totally turn my life upside down in a good way. I flipped off the light and slipped under my sheets. I was just starting to doze when my phone buzzed.
Goodnight sweetheart
Smiling, I typed back:
night Collin :) sweet dreams
~ Collin ~
Driving through the streets, images of Bailey were running through my head. Her gray-blue eyes were sometimes so intense they were a deep green. There were times when she looked at me, and it was almost like she could peer into my soul. I wondered if she realized what effect she had on me. The perfume she always wore lingered in my car; often the intoxicating sweet vanilla smell even lingered on my clothes, as if her presence was still there when she was gone.
In some ways, it troubled me that a girl could get so under my skin. I was always in control of my emotions, in control of any situation. With Bailey, however, I felt like I was totally spinning with no way to stop. My dad was so unpredictable, and I knew that at any time he could decide to move again. Usually just that possibility alone caused me to keep my distance with girls, having fun but never getting attached. With Bailey it was so different: I was pulled to her like a magnet. It didn’t matter that each day I told myself that our relationship was moving too fast. I seemed to do just the opposite of what my head was telling me to do. It was as if a force stronger than my will was guiding the next move. It was not a comfortable feeling for me.
There was something so fragile and broken about her that made me just want to “fix” her, help her heal. I wished I could erase the pain she had been living with. I tried to focus on Lacey, knowing that she should be my priority, but Bailey was constantly creeping into my heart, so fast I felt sometimes like the life was being sucked out of me when I had to leave her. I knew that somehow I had to try and keep some distance between us before I was totally under her spell. What I didn’t know was how I would be able to actually follow through with it.
Parking in front of my house, I cut the engine. Grabbing the keys and my cell phone, I climbed out of the Camaro and walked up the sidewalk to the house, texting Bailey as I walked. Her response, as always, brought a smile to my face. Reaching the front door, I unlocked it and went in. It was late, and I was surprised to find my dad still up in the living room.
“Hey, Dad, you’re up late.”
“We’re having company on Friday for a week. I was trying to get things ready.”
“Who’s coming?”
“The Porters.”
“We haven’t seen them in a couple of years. Why did they decide to come visit now?”
“Timing, mostly. since they are closer to us now and the kids are on spring break, they thought it would be nice to come for a visit and a small vacation.”
“Guess I’m losing my room for the week?”
“Yeah, sorry. Shane and Lynette will stay in your room, Savannah and Ashley can stay with Lacey.”
“That’s alright; I’ll survive on the couch.”
“Lynette says that Savannah is very excited to see you, although I’m not supposed to pass that information on.”
“Ah, nice. Savannah is just a friend, Dad. Nothing more than that. I mean, we grew up together; she’s like another little sister.”
“Okay, whatever you say, but you guys were always hanging out together. You went to some dances together.”
“Who was I supposed to hang out with? Our families were always together, and Ashley is a lot younger. We went to the dances as friends, that’s it.”
“I’m just saying it never looked like you didn’t like hanging out together.”
“Dad, I’m kinda seeing someone else right now, okay. Don’t push it.”
“Oh. Well, this is the first time I’m hearing anything about that. Who is she?”
“Her name is Bailey Walsh. She’s the one Lacey and I went to Disneyland with the other day. You really don’t pay much attention to anything I tell you, do you?”
“You didn’t mention you were ‘kinda seeing’ her.”
“Yeah, well, I am, okay?” I went upstairs stopping at Lacey’s door, I peeked inside to check on her. Her pink princess comforter had slipped down so I walked over to pull it back up over her shoulders. In her arms she clutched her new Nemo stuffed animal, a tendril of black hair curled over her face. Carefully, I pushed it aside and leaned over to kiss her forehead. Turning, I left her room silently, leaving the door cracked.
Reaching my room, I tossed my jacket over the chair. Most things in my room were organized and in their proper spot, but a few lingering articles of clothing were tossed carelessly on the floor. I kicked aside the sweatshirt I had worn yesterday as I pulled off my shoes.
“Well, this should be an interesting week,” I mumbled to myself.
Savannah and I had always had gotten along really well. She was just a year younger than me, and I did look forward to seeing her again. In fact, I had missed her laughter over the past couple of years. We sent text messages to each other every once in a while, and a few e-mails, but nothing more than just friends stuff. I wondered if t
hings would be weird after not seeing each other for two years. For most of our lives, we had lived just a block apart. Our dads had been roommates in college and our moms had become best friends. Our families had always hung out together and several times took vacations together. It had been like that until my mom had abruptly left.
Savannah’s mom, Lynette, had been a godsend those first weeks, helping to take care of Lacey. Dad had remained in a state of shock, thinking that she would be back. Eventually he couldn’t take it anymore. The daily reminders of all the good times ended up being too much for him, and he had packed Lacey and I up and moved. Dad and Shane had kept in contact over the past couple of years, talking almost every week, but things had changed, and they would probably never be as close as they had once been. Shortly after our family had moved the first time, Lynette had been offered a great job in Las Vegas, and they had relocated as well.
I finished getting ready for bed and fell into a troubled sleep. Tossing and turning most of the night, my dreams were uncertain, and none of them made any sense. Pink was spilling across the sky before I was able to finally slip into an undisturbed sleep.
~ Savannah ~
Friday morning dawned warm and sunny in Las Vegas. I was up early and anxious to get on the road. I had carefully laid out my clothes for the day and had spent hours packing just the right outfits for our trip to Southern California to visit the McKennas. My heart beat faster just thinking about seeing Collin again. It had been too long since I had seen him. Ever since the McKenna family had moved to Southern California, just a few hours’ drive away from us, I had been trying to convince my parents to go for a visit. Something had always come up, but now that the time was here, it seemed so unreal. I wondered how I would be able to survive the drive.
My crush on Collin started years ago. I knew that one day, when the time was right, we would officially be boyfriend and girlfriend. My dreams had almost come true during our freshman year of high school. Collin and I had gone to a couple of school dances and we had even kissed several times. Just when things were going good, all of my plans had gone up in smoke when Collin’s mom took off and his dad abruptly moved the family away.
A Healing Heart Page 7