A Healing Heart

  We sat there in silence; I had no words for her. The panic that I’d been trying to push away was rapidly overwhelming me. I knew if I succumbed to it, I would be no help to anyone. Lacey and especially Collin needed me right now. A shadow fell across my legs, and I realized that Jared had come back and was standing with his hand outstretched in front of me.

  “If you want to sit with him awhile, I’ll take you in.”

  I nodded in silence.

  “They’re keeping the visiting down to short intervals for now.”

  “Okay.”

  I followed him through the double doors and down a corridor. We stopped at a room, and he stepped aside while I fought the anxiety inside me. Taking those final steps into the room where Collin was laying was one of the most difficult things I’d ever done.

  “The nurse will come get you when it’s time to leave and bring you back to the waiting room.”

  “Okay. Thanks, Mr. McKenna.”

  “Call me Jared, please, you don’t need to be so formal.”

  Jared turned and walked back in the direction we had come from. I nodded and took a few more steps into the room. Memories of Brooke flashed through my mind, and I remembered hoping that I would never see another ICU again. Light flooded in from the window. The curtain around the bed was only partially shut. I took a deep breath; the smell of antiseptic assailed my nostrils. The beeping from the monitors was constant, the fluorescent lights were dimmed. An IV drip was set up at the head of the bed with its tube connected to Collin’s arm. I finally gathered enough courage to look at him lying so still in the bed.

  His face was pale, his beautiful blue eyes closed, a bandage wrapped around his head; there were cuts on his cheek. He had a pretty big gash above his left eye where I noticed they had stitched it closed. His left leg was bound in a cast. I could see his chest was wrapped, the rest of his shoulders and arms bare where the sheet didn’t cover. I could feel the tears streaming down my face as I tried to stifle the sobs that threatened to burst from me.

  I found my way over to the bedside, standing on his right side. I carefully leaned over and kissed his warm forehead. Sitting down on the chair next to the bed, I linked my fingers through his and sat there silently crying, wishing this was all just one of my horrible nightmares and that I would wake up soon.

  “Collin, you can’t do this to me, I can’t go through this again. Please wake up,” I pleaded with him.

  Lifting his hand to my lips, I kissed it gently, then held it against my cheek, silently willing his fingers to move, his eyes to flicker open. I closed my eyes as the tears continued to slip down my cheeks.

  “You’re going to be okay, but you’ve got to open your eyes. Please. I love you.”

  I sat there with my head leaned over his hand that I held tightly in mine. The light touch on my shoulder startled me.

  “Miss, he needs his rest. You’ll need to step out for a while.”

  “Okay, sorry.”

  I swiped the tears from my eyes and reluctantly let go of Collin’s hand. I stood up and leaned over, kissing him lightly on the lips and whispering to him how much I loved him.

  The nurse standing there waiting for me was younger than I had first thought, small and pretty, her hair clipped back from her face. There was compassion in her deep brown eyes. “There’s no reason why he isn’t going to make a full recovery. He just needs to rest. I’ll let you know when you can come back in and sit with him again.”

  “Thank you.” I turned to leave the room, looking back at Collin as I got to the door. The view of him in the white bed made every bone in my body ache. Turning away, I left the room, my footsteps silent on the shiny floor as I walked back to the waiting room.

  ~ Collin ~

  My body felt heavy, everything felt sore, and I couldn’t get my brain to function right. I wasn’t even sure where I was. The last thing I remembered was being on my way to work and thinking about Bailey. My throat felt like it was full of cotton balls; a strange murkiness seemed to engulf me. I could hear people talking, but their words were mumbled and quiet and I couldn’t make any sense of them. I was so confused. I tried to open my eyes, but they wouldn’t open. It was like my body wouldn’t listen to my brain.

  It was quiet, but I felt an electrical charge race through my body. Something touched my forehead, just slightly, tenderly. I knew instantly it was Bailey. I knew she was here with me, and I needed to tell her I was okay, that I loved her, but the words wouldn’t come out. I could hear her talking, pleading for me to wake up.

  My hand was warm as she held it. I tried to squeeze her fingers, but nothing happened. I silently cursed my body for not responding. The effort to make my body move drained what little energy I had. I was so tired, and I slipped back into the darkness.

  ~ Bailey ~

  My aunt was waiting for me when I got back to the waiting room. She immediately got up from her chair and walked over to me, folding me into her warm embrace. I stood there within her comforting arms and quietly cried. I needed to pull myself together. It would not help Lacey if she saw me so completely out of control. When I finally got hold of myself the best I could, I backed away, breaking the embrace, but my aunt did not let go of me. Her arm was still tightly around my shoulders as she guided me to a chair. I noticed that Jared was talking with what must be Collin’s doctor. He was nodding, and I saw him shake hands with the doctor and then return to sit beside Lacey and quietly talk to her.

  “I can’t leave, Aunt Rachelle. I have to stay here for now.”

  “I know; it’s okay. I’ll take Riley to our house until Eileen gets off. I already called Mia and Natasha. They’re both on their way over here to be with you.”

  My aunt stood up and walked over to where Riley and Lacey sat. Jared got up from his chair and the two of them talked for a minute. He nodded and then my aunt crouched down in front of Lacey.

  “Hey, Lacey, I’m Bailey’s aunt. I’m going to take Riley to my house for a while. Would you like to come over and play with him?”

  Lacey’s eyes darted to her dad’s and he nodded his head in assurance that it was okay. Lacey simply nodded yes. Her hand still clutched Riley’s. The two little kids hopped off their chairs. Riley hurried over to me and flung his arms around my neck. I held him tightly, soaking up his unconditional love. I set him back down on his feet, and Lacey was in my arms next.

  “It’s going to be okay, Lacey. I’ll stay here with Collin, okay?”

  Nodding, her face filled with pain and worry, she grabbed Riley’s hand, holding it like her life depended on the connection between the two of them. I sat back down on the chair and watched my aunt leave with the two little ones. Jared came over to sit next to me, awkwardly patting my shoulder.

  Uncertain how long we sat there in silence, my mind drifted through so many memories, both good ones and those that were pure agony. I was so absorbed in my memories that I didn’t even notice when Mia and Natasha walked in until they were right in front of me. I looked up at both of them, and a new flood of tears came pouring out. They both held me tightly, reassuring me that everything was going to be okay. Jared had gotten up and was pacing the waiting area. It was then that I noticed that Quinn had come with them; he was talking with Jared across the room from us. The young nurse that had ushered me out of Collin’s room entered the waiting room and stopped to speak with Jared. I watched the interchange intently. After a few minutes, Jared gestured to me, and the nurse walked in my direction.

  “Bailey?” she asked.

  “Yes.”

  “You can come back again if you wish.”

  “Thank you.”

  Mia grabbed my hand, “It’s going to be okay, Bailey. We’ll go get you some coffee and be right back.”

  Nodding gratefully to them, I turned and followed the nurse. Walking down the hall toward Collin’s room, the need to be with him was overpowering, but at the same time, an unsettling apprehensiveness settled over me. Reaching his room, the nurse stepped aside as I entered. I
sat back down in the same chair I had occupied just a short time earlier.

  Grasping Collin’s right hand in mine, I sat there watching his unmoving body. His eyes were still closed; his beautiful features almost frozen in time. He looked so peaceful. The constant beeping of the machines around him seemed to fade. The only thing I could focus on was this boy, who had come to mean more to me than anything else. I had to be positive, to really believe deep down inside me that he was going to be okay. But I had been down that path before, and the pragmatic side of me warned that things don’t always turn out the way I may want.

  “Hey, Collin, I’m back. I’m here, waiting for you. I know you can wake up. You’ve got graduation in just two weeks, and you can’t miss that. Just squeeze my hand, let me know if you can hear me.”

  I waited intently, watching every breath he took, waiting for any muscle to move, but there was no movement.

  “I love you so much, my heart hurts.”

  Still nothing. I wasn’t going to give up. I sat there until the nurse came in and said it was time to go.

  I leaned over and kissed him, telling him that I would be back soon. Back in the waiting area, Mia and Natasha were waiting for me with coffee as they had promised. I sat down next to Mia as she handed over the cup.

  “Thanks.”

  Jared had taken a seat across the room. He was leaned over with his head in his hands, my heart went out to him.

  I took a drink of the coffee in my hands. It was hot; I didn’t even notice the flavor much, I just knew that it warmed the inside of me.

  The day crept by, with no change in Collin’s condition. He was stable, and that was a good thing, we were told over and over. Through the day, Jared and I took turns sitting with Collin. Quinn went back once; when he returned to the waiting room, his face was stark white. I knew seeing his friend in that condition in the bed had been difficult. The next time he was asked if he wanted to see Collin, he said he would just stay in the waiting room as support.

  Mia and Natasha had dragged me down to the cafeteria for some food, but I couldn’t taste any of it. I mostly pushed it around on my plate and just needed to get back up to Collin. I was afraid that something would change and that I wouldn’t be there.

  When we came back up to the waiting room from the cafeteria, my aunt was there with Lacey, who was sitting in Jared’s lap with her face buried in his shoulder. My aunt got up from her seat and walked toward us.

  “He’s going to be fine, Bailey, he just needs to rest. His body went through a lot today.”

  “I know, I keep telling myself the same thing.”

  Jared, with Lacey in his arms, came over to us then.

  “I need to get Lacey home and ready for bed. They’re going to call me if there’s any change. I’ll be back here first thing in the morning. I’ll call you, Bailey, if I hear anything.”

  “Thanks, but I want to stay here.”

  “Bailey, you need to get home and get some rest too. You aren’t going to be doing Collin any favors if you get yourself sick,” Jared replied.

  “I can’t leave, I just can’t. I won’t be able to sleep even if I do leave.”

  “Bailey, please, you do need to rest. I’ll take you home,” my aunt insisted, siding with Jared.

  With the decision being out of my hands, I was forced to leave the hospital with my aunt. She dropped me off at Eileen’s to pick up my car, and it took all my self-control not to immediately drive back to the hospital. As it was, I knew that I’d be up first thing in the morning and back with Collin.

  * * *

  I tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep. When the early morning light began streaming in my window, I threw back the tangled sheets and dashed through getting ready so that I could get back to the hospital.

  In the kitchen, I grabbed a granola bar out of the pantry and tossed it into my purse in case I might need it later. Leaving a note on the kitchen table since both my aunt and uncle were still sleeping, I quietly left the house.

  The hospital parking lot was virtually empty this early in the morning. I found a space quickly and proceeded into the building with dread. I hadn’t heard anything last night from Jared, so I assumed that there had been no change through the night. I crossed the quiet and almost-empty lobby, the cleaning staff moving efficiently through the area preparing for the day, and I followed the maze of hallways to the ICU.

  The ICU waiting room had a cluster of people in one corner, anxiously hugging and talking among themselves. Though I was preoccupied, I mustered a brief positive thought for them. I hoped they would have good news soon. Walking past them, I found the nurses’ station and asked about Collin’s condition. The nurse in charge of Collin’s care was a different one from the day before, and she politely but firmly informed me that if I wasn’t immediate family, she couldn’t give me any information. Frustrated, I turned and went back to the waiting room to wait until Jared arrived.

  A TV hanging from the ceiling in a corner of the room had an old rerun on it. Strangely, I hadn’t even noticed it was there yesterday. I’d brought the book I was reading with me today and flipped to where I had left off, but I couldn’t focus on the story. After rereading the same page for at least the third time, I tossed it back into my purse.

  Slowly the minutes ticked by. The show that had been on the TV was over and a new one was starting. My eyes sought out the clock mounted on the wall; it was now seven a.m. Where was Jared? I hoped he would get here soon so that I could find out what was going on.

  The room was a bit chilly this morning, and I wrapped my sweatshirt tighter around me. I wished now that I’d taken the time to drive through Starbucks and get a coffee; the stuff here in the hospital wasn’t very good.

  With nothing to do now but wait, I began watching the group of people in the corner. A young lady, in maybe her mid-thirties, was sitting in a chair. I could tell she was in the late stages of pregnancy. Her blond hair was in a ponytail, and her face was frighteningly pale. An older lady with graying hair at her temples was sitting next to her—their features were so similar that they had to be related—the younger woman’s hands in her own. The other three, all men, were standing clustered together speaking quietly.

  The door to the waiting room opened, and a doctor approached the group. He spoke to them for a while, put his hand on the pregnant lady’s shoulder, smiled and nodded. From across the room, I could see apparent relief in her face and the tension release from her shoulders. The group’s mood immediately improved as the doctor turned and slipped out of the room. It appeared that their news was good, and I was happy for them. So many times, the news in hospitals was only bad; at least this once it was nice to see the opposite. Now, if only Collin would wake up. It wasn’t long after that Jared appeared at my side.

  “Hi, Bailey. You’re here bright and early.”

  “I know; I couldn’t sleep. They wouldn’t tell me anything when I got here, though, since I’m not immediate family.”

  “Okay, let me go get an update. When I called in last night, there had been no changes.”

  Jared left my side and vanished through the double doors to the nurses’ station just down the hall. He wasn’t gone long. When he returned, I couldn’t read the expression on his face. Was it good news or bad? I couldn’t tell.

  “Everything’s the same. I did ask them to allow you to go in and visit. They said you could go back for a short time.”

  “No, you go first. You’re his dad; it’s only right that you see him.”

  “I see now why my son seems to be so drawn to you. You have a good heart.”

  With that, he turned and left the room. I’m not sure what I expected him to say, but it wasn’t anything along those lines. I knew it must be very difficult for him to see his son in the hospital and feel totally unable to do anything. It was a feeling that I had known all too well. Jared wasn’t gone long, and I was surprised when, after only a few minutes, he was back in the waiting room.

  “I didn’t want to u
se up all his visiting time. I know you’ve been here for a while, so go back and spend the rest of the time with him.”

  “Thank you!”

  I grabbed my purse and hurried down the corridor that would lead me to Collin. His room was still fairly dark; a small light glowed just over his bed. With his window not facing east, it was still in shadow this early in the morning. He looked the same as yesterday, except I noticed his face now had dark stubble over it, giving him a more rugged appearance. I approached his bed after setting my purse on the counter and took his right hand again in my own. I leaned over, gently brushing my lips against his warm forehead. He felt a bit flushed, like he might be running a slight temperature.

  I sat in silence, watching his rhythmic breathing and the dripping of the IV as it flowed to his arm, hearing the constant beeping of the machines, and begged him to open his eyes, to come back to me. Too soon, the nurse came in and ushered me out, promising to let me return. Giving Collin one last longing look, I picked up my purse where I had left it and returned to the waiting room. This waiting, the unknown—it was driving me to madness.

  Arriving back at the waiting room, I was greeted by both Mia and Natasha. They were the best friends anyone could ever hope for. Natasha held a cup of Starbucks coffee for me, which just increased my appreciation for them tenfold.

  “You guys really didn’t need to come this morning.”

  “Yeah, right. We’re not leaving you here alone,” Mia replied.

  “Here, we picked this up for you, knowing you probably wouldn’t do it yourself and that you’d need it.”

  “Thanks! I can’t tell you how bad I was craving that earlier.” I accepted the warm cup from Natasha and drank my favorite blend.

  “Any change?” Mia asked

  “No, not yet. Still the same.”

  “Well, that’s not bad news.”

  “I know, it’s just I’m impatient. I want him to wake up. This waiting around is driving me crazy.”

  “And if I know Collin, I’m sure it’s driving him crazy too. You know, they say that even though a person is unconscious they can still hear people talking to them.”