by Candice Dow
I gave her a hug, and she quickly turned to Clark. “Oh my, is this your wife, ay?”
“Yes.”
“She is beautiful,” she said, hugging Clark.
“I smell coco bread, Señora Gonzales.”
She pushed me. “You know I made coco bread.”
She led us through the open house and briefly introduced us to the women staying there. “These are my ladies. They are about to have a class.”
She took the bread out and handed me a warm loaf. I began breaking pieces off and tearing it up. I pointed the loaf at Clark. Initially, she looked like she didn’t want to snatch a piece. After she tasted it, she was nearly tackling me for the bread. Then we started talking to the women.
Clark smiled and greeted them. She even had the courtesy to ask them if they wanted to eat some of our bread. Each of them refused, as they were trying to be hospitable. Clark asked their names and held the babies, while Señora Gonzales and I talked about the goals and necessities of the week.
Clark’s nose and forehead were moist with sweat, and her shirt was sticking to her, but she was so relaxed with the women. Although some of the ladies only spoke Spanish, Clark did her best to communicate with them. I loved it.
Señora Gonzales noticed my admiration. She nodded. “A good woman, ay. Take care of her, you know.”
“I will,” I said, as we headed to the front porch to talk.
“She beautiful. How do you say?” Her eyes rolled in her head, as she tried to remember the cliché. “From the inside out. I don’t know if you believe in spirits, but her spirit is pure.”
She spoke as if she knew I had conflicted feelings. I nodded. “Yeah, she is pure.”
“Good woman is hard to find.”
I laughed, but I never doubted that. It was just weird how passionate she seemed about my stand-in wife. She was definitely a deep lady with a lot of wisdom. Maybe she knew more about Clark and me than even we knew.
When the students finished their briefing, I introduced myself to them and spoke with the group leaders. They were being driven around by a van service, and I stressed how important it was for them to stay together. When they all piled into the house, Clark came out. Tears were in her eyes.
“What’s up?” I said, rubbing her shoulders.
“It’s just so sad. Some of their babies died, or others are waiting to be tested. I mean, it’s just so sad.”
She tried to hold back tears. When I held her, she let the tears fall and continued, “It takes experiences like this to realize how blessed you are. I was so angry with God because I couldn’t have a baby, and there are more problems in the world than the ones we complain about. Some of them have nowhere to go but here. This is the only place they can get health care.”
“That’s why we’re here.”
“Devin, I’m so proud of you.”
“I’m more proud of you.”
We stayed long enough to serve lunch and wash the sheets. Then we left the students to do the rest. Clark and I headed to the beach.
We lay a sheet out on the beach and Clark proceeded to take her shorts and top off, exposing her bikini. Her body looked like a perfectly shaped bottle of honey. She twisted her ponytail up and looped the rubber band around twice so her hair wouldn’t be on her neck. She bent over to grab the sunblock from the bag, and I instantly got hard. It’s a shame what this girl does to me, I thought. I took the lotion from her and put some into my hand and began to rub it on her. She returned the favor. It aroused me and I wanted to feel her that very minute. I told her to get on my back and we ran into the calm water.
There were no high waves, so we were able to walk far out. Once we were away from the shore, I put her in front of me and plunged my tongue in her ear. I reached my hand down her bikini bottom. Her hands held my face and she stared in my eyes. We kissed again. I dove in and pushed her up so that her legs were around my neck. The other people on the beach didn’t exist as I pushed my tongue inside of her. I swallowed saltwater along with her sweetness. Finally, I took my dick from my shorts and wrapped her legs around my waist. I tried to glide inside her, but the water interrupted our movement. Finally, once I fought my way inside, her vagina clamped on to me and lubricated enough for us to make it work.
She whispered promises in my ear, and I did the same. Ours lips were glued together and her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. The cool, still water floating around us made me want to stay inside her warm pussy forever. And I nearly did, as it felt like hours passed before I came. She came several times and, finally, we walked out of the water exhausted and fell asleep on the sand.
36
CLARK
By the third day in Nicaragua, I was tempted to build a little hut and run away from it all, just Devin and me. We could leave it all behind for the peace and tranquility of this small island. We’d been just going to the outreach center and to the beach every day. There were no “bright lights, big city” to distract us from each other. All we heard was each other, and most nights we didn’t even turn the television on. We loved each other in the rarest form.
As usual, we headed to the clinic after I had my morning coffee. Our driver pulled up at nine o’clock on the dot, and we hopped in the late ’90s model Toyota Corolla. The air conditioner blew warm air, and the back window handles were broken. Devin and I both were soaked by the time we arrived, but we giggled the whole ride for no reason.
When we got out of the car, we heard a piercing yell escaping the house. Devin and I looked at each other and instinctively rushed to the house. Some of the students were rushing around, looking for warm towels. My heart dropped. They’d been saying since the day we arrived that Amina was due any day. She was the sweetest, thinnest seventeen-year-old girl that you ever wanted to meet. She had very little education and could speak only a little English, but from the moment we met, she clung to me. I often forced it to the back of my mind that she was dying of AIDS. I wondered how she got it and who gave it to her and why no one was here to take care of her.
The midwife arrived seconds after Devin and I. She put a sheet over Amina and checked her out. She warned Señora Gonzales that the baby was coming. Several people gathered near Amina, and the midwife asked us to back away. Amina was screaming and pointing. I was in the corner praying that everything would work out when Señora Gonzales said, “She wants you over here.”
I was shocked. “Me?”
“Yes. Now come here, girl.”
I rushed over, and Amina’s thin fingers gripped mine tightly. I rubbed her hair to calm her down and began singing to her. Tears rolled from her eyes. After an eternity, the baby came out. She had given birth to a baby boy. The doctor handed him to me first. I cradled him in the thin little blanket he was wrapped in. He looked almost Asian, with a head full of straight, black hair. He was almost too adorable to be real. I stooped down beside Amina. “Your baby.”
She wailed like she was still in pain. The midwife told her to calm down while she stitched her back up. Señora Gonzales asked me to walk with her. She explained that after they give birth a lot of the mothers experience some sort of guilt, because they don’t know if the baby will be infected or will be able to grow out of it. Tears rolled from my eyes, because I didn’t want to imagine this baby could possibly be infected. It was unfair that some of these women didn’t have access to medications that would save their babies.
When everything settled, the midwife took a blood sample from the baby and said she would return with the results the next day. Amina lay in her little cot to recover. I pulled a small folding chair beside her bed and stroked her hair while she held the baby.
“His name?”
She smiled and pointed to Devin. “Como se llama?”
“Devin.”
She nodded anxiously. I pointed to the baby. “His name.”
“Si. Es Devin.”
I called Devin over to tell him what she wanted to do. He spoke to her in Spanish, trying to confirm that was definitely what she w
anted. Señora Gonzales said it was a great idea. Devin was the name, and Amina was happy.
Hours later, Devin and I were headed back to the hotel to get ready for the beach. I walked over to tell Amina that we were leaving. I rubbed her face and tears rolled from her eyes. “Quiero tu tienes mi hijo. Comprende?”
By the confused look on my face, she knew I didn’t understand. She repeated. Finally, I called Devin over and he said, “She wants you to have her baby.” He smiled at me. “She wants you to take her baby to the States.”
I was overwhelmed, but I wasn’t sure I could make that promise. Not at that very moment, at least. Devin said something else to her and she insisted. Señora Gonzales said something to her and then she turned to me. “Many of these mothers will not see their babies grow up. Amina says when she dies she wants you to take her baby. No need for pressure right now. Think about it. If you like, we will make sure that happens. If the baby is HIV negative.”
My eyes shifted from Señora Gonzales to Devin to Amina. I didn’t know what I should say. Clearly if Devin and I kept all of our promises, I would have loved to take little Devin home. But what if he stayed with Taylor and I stayed with Kenneth? I wouldn’t be able to. I was a stunned deer as everyone flashed their eyes on me. I felt pressured, so I nodded. Amina said, “Gracias! Gracias!”
I hugged her again before leaving. It hurt not to know if I could keep my promise, although I felt a strong connection to that baby when I held him. When we sat in the car, I held Devin’s hand and he wrapped his free arm around my shoulders.
He said, “We can come back and get Devin after the election. You know?”
“Devin, I’m not sure. What happens if he’s positive?”
“Some of the babies are positive for antibodies for a while and they eventually grow out of it. So, they’ll keep testing him. Why? Do you want to wait until the results are negative?”
I shrugged. A part of me wanted to take that baby home and love him one way or the other. Then, there was a part of me that felt like adding a baby into this already complicated mess would make things worse. But still another part of me knew I’d made a promise and somehow I had to honor it.
“Are we really going to be together, Devin?”
“Isn’t that what we said?”
Devin spoke as if divorce was as simple as one two three, but I had seen Reggie and Sheena’s divorce. They had fought over assets, custody, visitation, anything there was to fight over. It took a lot longer than either of them expected. Kenneth and I were so intertwined, and as much as Devin was sure he could do it, I wasn’t so sure. The thought of walking into the house and telling Kenneth it was over frightened me. I wasn’t sure he’d give in so easily. We always said divorce was not an option. What real grounds did I have to stand on?
Two days later, we got the results. Baby Devin was HIV positive and I found the courage to let Amina know that I wanted to wait until he got stronger before I adopted him. She understood. Señora Gonzales agreed that we should wait. She said you never can tell—either babies grow out of the disease or they die very fast, and she didn’t want us to get attached and then lose the baby. Still, the results didn’t prevent me from holding baby Devin all day long. He loved to be rocked to sleep and I loved doing so, after Amina fed him.
This was the first evening we didn’t watch the sun set on the beach. Instead we went back to our room, showered, and made love. Around nine, we left to sit in the Jacuzzi. On our way, we passed the business center. Devin realized he hadn’t checked his e-mail all day, and I’d completely forgotten about mine the entire week. We sat down at neighboring computers. When I opened mine, there were six messages from Teeny and five from Reggie. Each one had a subject heading that frightened me more:
Your Husband Is In Jail.
I will kill him.
Where are you?
Get Home Now.
I stopped breathing. I couldn’t move. My brain deadlocked as I read the headline of an article Teeny included in her message: DIRECTOR OF MENTAL HEALTH CENTER ACCUSED OF HAVING A YEARLONG AFFAIR WITH AN UNDERAGE PATIENT.
This wasn’t possible. My heart raced and I bit my nails as I scanned the article. Tears fell from my eyes. Kenneth was being falsely accused of having a relationship with a sixteen-year-old in my group home. All of the girls had been placed in other homes until the investigation was over. They couldn’t disclose the young lady’s name because she was a minor. And the article mentioned his wife being out of the country in an unknown location. I felt like I could faint—and apparently I did, because I awoke to Devin fanning me with a towel.
“Are you okay? What’s going on?”
“I need to leave in the morning. I need to change my flight. Oh, my God! My husband is in trouble. One of my girls lied on him, claiming they had a yearlong sexual relationship.” I screamed, “I know Kenneth would never do something like that! It’s not possible!”
I needed to get home to see who the little heifer was that lied on him. I had to get out of Nicaragua before they tracked me down. Here I was making plans to walk out on him, and he was sitting in jail for someone living in my group home.
I started hyperventilating. Devin rushed out and grabbed me a bottle of water. When a group home gets a record like this one, it’s usually over. I would have to reopen under a different name at a different location. God only knew if Kenneth could keep the center open, since we survived mainly on government contracts. Even if the allegations weren’t true, which I was positive they weren’t, they could still destroy everything we had built. As I expressed all this to Devin, he calmly said, “Let me know what I can do.”
“We don’t have a savings. We spent it all trying to have a baby. We’re broke and we can’t afford this. This is going to destroy everyone,” I wailed.
There was no doubt in my mind that one of the girls did this to hurt me. There were only two sixteen-year-olds in therapy, Raven and Shatina. I flipped back and forth between the two and decided it could only be Raven. I sat there in anguish, stressed; Devin kindly began searching for flights back for me. He got me on a noon flight out of Managua, and I would arrive in Baltimore around nine in the evening. My bowels were loose, and I had to vomit. Devin held my hand as we walked back to the room. He didn’t say much and I didn’t need him to. I had to get back home and get Kenneth out of jail.
Reggie’s messages stated that he refused to put his house up for a child molester. So, Kenneth had been sitting in jail for two days while Teeny tried to contact me. I felt like I’d betrayed him. I was cuddling in paradise while he was in a hard, cold jail cell. My guts spilled into the toilet. He definitely didn’t deserve this. Devin asked, “Is there anything I can do to help?”
I kept saying no, but then I wondered how we planned to pay an attorney. How long would it be before they returned the girls to the group home? I could lose funding. The mortgage on the group home had to be paid.
“I’m going to need some financial help to get through until they bring the girls back.”
“I’ll transfer money into your account tomorrow. Don’t worry. I got your back. Write your routing number and your account number down before you leave.”
We turned the lights off and we lay in spoon position silently for hours. I cried and Devin wiped my tears. He was so gentle and understanding. I didn’t know how to tell him that I wasn’t sure I could break up with Kenneth until this was over. I owed my husband that much. Although he had evolved into an asshole, he was there for me when Devin had shattered my self-esteem. I would be cursed if I walked out now.
In so many words, I told Devin that when we got to the airport. He told me he understood, but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. He kissed me and said, “What if he’s guilty?”
The plane was boarding and the attendant rushed me. My mouth hung open. I was appalled. Did he really think I could be married to a man capable of doing that? I pushed him away from me.
He said, “Go ahead, you got to get on the flight. It’s okay. You just ha
ve misdirected anger.”
I backed away from him. If I was angry with anyone, it was myself. I should have never been here, doing this. This was my punishment for disrespecting my vows. I climbed on the small plane and sobbed all the way to Managua. Somehow my life was always the one that got destroyed while Devin’s kept on rising.
37
CLARK
There was so much turbulence when we began our descent into Baltimore. My jittery nerves didn’t help. With every bump, I gripped the armrest and the couple next to me looked at me like I smelled bad. They had no clue what was going on with me. The second the plane landed, I called my mother.
She answered, “Teeny told me where you were.”
“I know.”
“So, what do you think?”
“I think that little fast girl is lying.”
“I don’t know,” she said suspiciously.
I expected something different from her. My mother was Kenneth’s biggest fan, but the uncertainty in her voice wasn’t comforting.
“Why didn’t Reggie get him out?”
“Number one, we didn’t know where you were or if you already knew something. We just wanted to stay out of it. Reggie went out there and got all of Morgan’s clothes. She’s going to stay with us when she comes home next week.”
My eyes watered again. It was a surprise that I still had tears, because I’d been crying nearly twenty-four hours.
“So you guys think he’s guilty.”
“Well…”
“Ma,” I snapped.
“Well…”
“You know he would never do that.”
“Well…”
People getting off the plane stared at me as I yelled into the phone. “Ma, you know Kenneth. He’s never touched Morgan. Why would he want to do something like that?”
“Well, Clark. If it looks like dog, barks like a dog, chances are it’s not a cat.”