by Candice Dow
I knocked on the door of the executive offices and, surprisingly, Pastor Jabowski answered. My heart dropped. I half-smiled at the wide, dark-skinned man standing stoically in front of me before reaching out to shake his hand. He gripped my hand tighter than usual, like he wanted to crush my fingers. “Devin,” he greeted me.
“Bishop.”
He turned to walk toward his office and I followed. He said, “I was wondering if you’d come talk to me.”
“Yeah, I didn’t know where else to turn.”
He held the door to his office open and I walked in to sit down. After he sat in his office chair, he removed his glasses and wiped the invisible sweat from his wide nose. His expression lacked compassion, but could I really blame him? I’d hurt his daughter. Still, he was a man and I had to appeal to his manhood. He stroked his mixed-gray goatee impatiently.
“How many times did I ask you were you ready to marry my daughter?”
“A lot.”
“Why do you think I asked you so many times?”
“You just wanted to be sure.”
He chuckled. “Is that what you really think?”
“I don’t know. I guess.”
“Actually, this marriage never sat right with my spirit. My wife swore you were the one she prayed for, but I didn’t think so. God has never lied to me, because I know His voice. You know, women can guide you in the wrong direction, in a different direction than you heard your Father tell you to go.”
“Bishop, listen. I made a mistake, and you know for yourself Taylor and I got counseling after that affair. I knew that cheating wasn’t the answer and I wanted to make it right. I’m still human.”
“That’s a cop-out, Devin. I don’t entertain folly. Being human means you have a conscience and you have reason. You know when you’re doing wrong. There is no logical excuse to go lay up with another woman. You seek counseling before you resort to that, and men of the world resort to that alternative. Weak men seek that alternative. Men who don’t have the words to express their needs and desires to their wives resort to that. Which man are you?”
I smirked, because I didn’t identify with any of the above.
“Tell me. Which one are you? Weak, worldly, or wordless?”
Man, this appeared to be going nowhere. I readjusted in my seat and mumbled, “I guess worldly.”
He nodded, as if he agreed. “So what do you want from me, worldly man? Are you seeking religious counsel, or do you just want me to tell you, ‘I understand, people make mistakes’?”
“Actually I was hoping that you and Mrs. Jabowski would talk to Taylor about working it out.”
“And why would I tell my daughter a silly thing like that?” He laughed.
“Because I am her husband.”
He rested back in his large executive chair, and springs that had been pushed to the limit screeched. “Really?” he said sarcastically. “Well, Devin, nothing in the Bible is new. And the answers are all in here. Women are instructed to stay with their husbands no matter what.”
“I know, and I—”
He interjected, “But the one thing she is allowed to divorce for is adultery. Don’t you think what you did was adultery?”
“Yes, sir.”
“And ironically, I don’t think you’re a worldly man. I think you’re a wordless man. You speak so eloquently on the political scene. You even have me convinced. You can communicate on concrete topics, but emotions are too intangible for you. You can’t measure, divide, or define them, and you struggle with that. Until you get that right, you’ll be skipping from one marriage to another.”
I hated to think that I was that person. I’d always been able to express myself. This was about regret and less about communication. But how could I tell him how much I loved this other woman?
“Bishop, I’m telling you, I love Taylor and we were having problems and I took the wrong approach. And no, I didn’t get counseling beforehand and I should have. Unfortunately, I didn’t. I know better now, and since we had counseling our marriage was better until this came up. You know?”
“Look, I advised Taylor not to marry you. Number one, you didn’t come through me first. Number two, like I told you, I didn’t feel it. Still don’t, but Taylor has always done it her way. Since I never blessed the marriage from the beginning, I don’t think it’s my place to get it right. It’s yours. I’m sure you know where to find her over in North East.”
I appreciated his little bit of help. He was trying to let me know she was with Courtney, though I already knew that. When I stood up to shake his hand, he stood, too.
“Thanks for your help, Bishop Jabowski.”
“I’ll pray about this and see how God leads my spirit.” He walked around the desk and opened the door. “I let my Father tell me what I should and shouldn’t do. So you never know, He may tell me I’m trippin’.”
I nodded irritably, because I wasn’t going to get anxious about the possibility only to be disappointed. He patted my back. “All right, Mr. Congressman.”
With a smile, I said, “Yeah, thanks a lot.”
When I left the church, I considered heading to Courtney’s house. Instead, I headed home. Taylor would call when she was ready. I decided I should stop harassing her. It wasn’t getting me anywhere. I was out of get-her-back tricks. This shit was for the birds. One thing I did agree with Bishop Jabowski about was that cheating was for weak men. Damn if I have the energy to convince a woman to take me back.
Seven hours later, I sat in the family room, letting the television entertain me, eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, flipping through my iPod, blasting all the old-school songs that reminded me of Clark through the speakers. Sisqó’s song, “Incomplete.” His voice elevated, and I felt emotional as he yelled, “Without ya, girl. Without ya, girl.”
When the song ended, I heard Taylor’s footsteps. “Devin, you’re pitiful.”
I looked up to see her standing poised and unemotional in the kitchen. She didn’t look like she had lost any sleep. In fact, she appeared relieved. God was on my side and had advised Bishop Jabowski to talk to her.
I stood up and walked toward her. “Thank you for coming here, Taylor.”
“I don’t know why you’re thanking me. I came to get the rest of my stuff.”
I reached out for her arm and she pulled away. As she backed up, I took several steps toward her. “Taylor, listen. You didn’t have to move all of your things out of this house. You can stay here. I’ll move.”
“Why would I want to stay here? Why? I don’t need this big house just for me. This is your house. I don’t want any part of it, any part of the lie.”
“I never lied to you.”
She smirked. “You’re absolutely right. You never lied. I lied to myself. You told me what you were, who you loved, and I told myself that being with me would help you get over her.”
“So what are we going to do?”
“‘We’ are no longer an item. I want out.”
We now stood on opposing sides of the kitchen island, debating our cases. “Are you sure?” I asked.
“I’m positive.”
“So after one mistake, it’s just over.”
“Baby, it’s not one mistake. You don’t get it, do you? You have a problem with me. You’re always complaining that I don’t show you enough attention. I don’t help you. I don’t rub your back when you get home. And I’m trying my best and still you cheat. Maybe I’m not what you need. Maybe she is.”
“Taylor—”
“And maybe you’re not what I need. I’m tired of thinking. I’m tired of trying. You’ve cheated on me, all of this, in the first year of marriage. I will not sit around for years and let you destroy my self-esteem to the point I just accept this kind of shit.”
My shoulders sagged, and she continued, “I won’t do it. I just won’t do it. If I’m not what you need, let me get back on the market while I’m still young enough to snag something else or before you get me knocked up.”
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br /> “It’s that easy for you?”
“Wasn’t it easy for you to be all up in Clark’s face? It’s just that easy for me to walk out.”
“Taylor, I need you.”
She shifted her weight and rolled her eyes. After taking several deep breaths, she said, “Do you need me because you love me, or do you need me for your campaign to front as if I care?”
I looked at her. I considered lying, but at the risk of being smacked, I said, “I love you, I do. But I’ll be very honest, I don’t know about the future of our marriage. We have a lot of structural problems. I mean, anytime you marry someone as fast as we got married, you’ll have those problems, and it takes a lot of hard work to make it right. I just don’t know, but right now a divorce would not look good. I’ll lose this race if you leave me.”
“You know, Courtney and I have gone back and forth about this. She actually told me I should support.”
“She did?”
“When I look at you, Devin, I see myself a few years ago. I know how it is, wanting someone that you hurt to forgive you. You just want one more chance with them to make it right. I know how strong that desire can be. You end up abandoning all your morals just to correct one mistake. It hurts to be the girl on the other side of the game, and I hate—I mean, I despise the way you made me feel. But at the same time, I understand everything you’re feeling. And that’s why I can’t take you back. I know where your heart is, and I know that I’m worth more than second place.”
My mouth hung open. She smiled, “Fix your face, because I plan to support you and I don’t know why. I just feel it’s the right thing to do.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, I’m serious. Courtney and I talked all night and we both concluded you’re a good person in a bad situation. If I hadn’t been through this before myself, it probably would be harder for me to understand.”
“Thank you.”
“You better thank Courtney. This is what she told me I should say.”
I smiled. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah, if it wasn’t for Courtney, I would have probably burned the house down.”
“Tell Courtney that I really appreciate her.”
“She really believes you can win this election, and she didn’t want this to ruin your political future. I told her I’d only do it if you were honest with me and if you could look me in the eye and tell me that you needed me to win.” She clapped. “So, Congressman Patterson, you passed the test. Any woman can respect the truth.”
I wanted to run to Courtney’s house and shower her with gifts. She continued, “And not to mention, I can support you now that I don’t have to be the doting, humble wife.”
“That’s busted.”
“Devin, let’s be real. You sprung everything on me so fast. One day we were dating, the next day we were married, the day after that we were a public power couple. I mean, I was just overwhelmed.”
“So you feel like I pressured you.”
“No, you shocked me. I didn’t expect you to ask me so soon, but I’d been on the market too long to say no, and I loved you, but I thought it was fast.”
“So we were set for failure.”
“Not necessarily. I mean, when we got married, there were no problems. You had no demands. You were partially in New York, but when this became every day, all day, your needs took precedence, and I found myself feeling pressured and overwhelmed and forced to be something that I didn’t want to be.”
“A wife?”
“No, Devin. A wife in the limelight.”
“I told you I wanted to be a politician.”
“I thought you’d change you mind.”
I laughed. “So you got bamboozled?”
“Basically. And I didn’t have the heart to just walk out because of that. I tried to do better. I really did. And it’s crazy because a part of me wanted you to win, because I care about you. But the selfish side of me hoped you wouldn’t so we wouldn’t have to live under a microscope.”
“I feel you.”
She walked around the island and sat on one of the bar stools. “And ever since you put in your application to run, I’ve been complaining about living under the damn microscope. What the hell would make you think you could get away with cheating?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t know.”
“Devin, that wasn’t smart at all. Actually, it was quite dumb.”
“Who you telling?”
“Well, I got your back. I’ll be by your side until we get you into the House of Representatives.”
“Can I get a hug?”
She stood and reached out her arms. “Of course you can.”
We held each other tightly and rocked side to side. “Taylor J, you’re one in a million.”
She pulled away. “I know.”
“You’re a trip.”
“No. I’m just confident.”
“And you should be.”
If nothing else, I knew I wasn’t too wrong about Taylor. She just wasn’t really interested in being a politician’s wife. After this big scandal, I wasn’t sure I blamed her. Unfortunately, my desire to be a politician hadn’t changed, so maybe I’d see TJ next lifetime.
I poured us each a glass of wine, and we ended up knocking out a bottle and a half before nine o’clock. She told me she was leaving because she didn’t want us to get into a compromising situation, but I couldn’t let her drive like that. So we lay together fully clothed in the bedroom. She told me that I should go get Clark and I told her that would never happen. And, surprisingly, she slurred, “And you need to call Jason.”
It was weird that she mentioned him, because this week’s events had me thinking a lot about that expression on his face when I slammed the door. It was a look of hate, almost as if he damned my existence. Maybe his wish came true.
44
CLARK
One split second can change your entire life. Finally, after about a month, the phone calls about Devin stopped. Each time the phone rang, I was reminded of Devin and how happy I had been with him. My heart would flutter the same way it did when I was with him. So I often just took the phone off the hook. I didn’t need those feelings corrupting me. I just wanted to forget they ever existed.
The trial was approaching and I had to focus on clearing Kenneth’s name. I was working every day, and the tension in my home had increased, because I would come home groggy and tired. I wasn’t cooking dinner and he wasn’t used to it. He was stressed that this little girl had destroyed our lives. He promised never to work with troubled kids again. So he’d flip back and forth on whether we could really adopt. What I knew for sure was that I had no money or plans to try fertility again.
When I got the job, I didn’t expect to despise it so much. I hadn’t worked in the corporate world in so long, and I immediately understood why. I missed my connection with people. I missed making a difference in someone’s life. Nothing mattered to me here. All the systems could have crashed and I wouldn’t have cared. I should have showed a little more interest, but I just couldn’t. It was like there was so much more to do. I couldn’t wait until the trial was over and I could get my group home back.
I sat at work, bored, so I decided to surf the Internet. For some strange reason, I looked for articles on the scandal with Devin and me. I gazed at the pictures on my screen; Devin and I looked so happy. I shook my head, wishing things could be different. Then I found recent pictures of him and his wife. They were working things out. Trying to get the bitterness off my chest, I closed the browser window. Then I decided to sync my BlackBerry calendar onto my work computer. The progress status bar popped up for each component. For some strange reason, maybe just for entertainment, I started looking at my scheduled task. I reminisced on having meaningful things to do with my day instead of sitting in a damn cubicle all day and going home.
Suddenly, a date from nearly eight months ago stood out. Kenneth came in at 3 a.m. My heart sank. Could that have been the same date that R
aven claimed they went to Atlantic City? I shook my head. Why was I tripping? How had I let these allegations start making me doubt him? I called Kenneth’s attorney, but he didn’t have any exact dates. Raven had just rattled off a bunch of fictitious or fantasized events. My stomach began to ball in knots and I had to pee. Maybe the boredom had gotten the best of me. I couldn’t allow myself to believe this bullshit.
I scanned my calendar day by day, searching for any inconsistencies, scratching my brain, wondering where all this uncertainty stemmed from. It had been months since she had made the claims, but I never once questioned him. Why today? Why was I feeling a pit in my belly? I rushed to the bathroom. Quickly covering the seat, I plopped down and tears rolled from my eyes. Was this conflict stemming from the picture I saw of Devin and his wife? Did I inadvertently want Kenneth to be guilty so I could run off with Devin? I just wasn’t sure. Devin and his wife looked in love to me. My head was pounding, my heart was racing, and I couldn’t make sense of it. The trial began in seven days and I wasn’t sure I wanted to sit there and listen to all the evidence.
I cried out loud, because it hurt. Everything was just wrong. I wasn’t happy about my situation. I just wanted to run away and forget about everything. To hell with the house and everything. Just go. Just run. I sat on the toilet losing my mind when I heard someone come in. I wiped my tears and tried to get it together. If there is something to be known, Lord, please let me discover it before the trial. I couldn’t be publicly disgraced twice in less than a year.
I went home and Kenneth wasn’t there. He’d gone fishing on the Eastern Shore because he claimed he needed to free his mind. I walked into the house on a mission. I rummaged through his office drawers, looking at credit card bills and dates. Then I moved to the coat closet, searching all of his pockets and even checking his inner soles. I just felt like something was calling my name. I went upstairs and began pulling his suit jackets from the rack. I went through all his pockets. My heart broke into a million pieces and I couldn’t believe my eyes when I pulled a pair of pink lace panties from a pocket and the crotch was crusted with bodily fluids. “No!”