Feelin' the Vibe

by Candice Dow

  “Um, because she wasn’t in love with you.”

  I held the side of my head and propped my elbow up on the pillow. I’d questioned how she knew it was true that I cheated on Taylor, but she answered a different question. Nicole had fresh eyes and a lot of wisdom. I wanted to lie to her and explain that I was no cheater, but clearly she knew for sure I’d cheated. Surely, she’d probably researched it on the Internet. So I talked to her like the little lady she was. “You think she wasn’t in love with me?”

  “I don’t know. It was just something about her that… I don’t know.”

  I didn’t press her for more, because she’d said enough. In her own way, she tried to tell me this before I married Taylor. Of course, I didn’t listen, because what could a nine-year-old know about relationships? Obviously, she knew more than I imagined. One thing for sure, I didn’t regret having my little girl in my life.

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to explain.”

  Nicole sighed. “Daddy, I hope you find somebody like Mommy again.”

  “I hope so, too. For now, I’ll just be happy with you.”

  “That sounds good.”

  Finally, I was able to rest my eyes. It seemed like only minutes passed before the clock buzzed, letting me know it was seven o’clock. I shook Nicole and she squirmed irritably. Then I decided I would leave her there until I got out of the shower. I walked through the house waking everyone who planned to accompany me to the polls.

  By the time the car arrived, Taylor was there. My parents, Taylor, Nicole, and I piled into the car and headed to the voting polls. When I stepped out of the car, photographers snapped pictures and asked me questions. Nicole held one hand and Taylor held the other. When we left, we attended a breakfast hosted by some volunteers. Jennifer and Aaron met us there.

  After we left breakfast, I stopped at several voting stations to show my face and let the voters know I was down for them. Later, we headed to the facility we’d rented out for all of our supporters. Amazingly, by five-thirty the place was packed. They passed hors d’oeuvres and wine. Music played, but we were on pins and needles. The race was very close. The later and later it got, the closer it got. An hour after the polls closed, we were dancing around and celebrating, praying for a victory. Before the scandal, I had my opponent by a much larger margin, but that situation really hurt me. Finally, I got the call from my opponent around ten-thirty, congratulating me. I won! It was almost unbelievable. I had begun to believe it was over. I’d thought I would just try again in four years. I stood there stunned as the balloons and confetti fell from the ceiling. Tears came to my eyes and as much as I wanted to resist, I let them fall as I rushed to the stage to make my victory speech.

  Just before I spoke, Curtis announced that Barack Obama was the president-elect and that right after my speech we’d turn the big screens to Grant Park. The crowd cheered and shouted with joy. I wiped my face, but I couldn’t stop the stream of tears from rolling. I needed to compose myself, but I couldn’t. As I stood at the podium and looked into the hopeful eyes of people who for the first time felt they had really made a difference, I was humbled.

  “DP, DP, DP, DP!” the crowd chanted. And I got filled up more. I tried to calm them with hand gestures and they continued: “DP, DP, DP!”

  “Thank you! Thank you!” I waited a few more minutes and finally they gave their attention to me. “This race was never about me. It was always about us, our people. And I’m glad that we were able to stand up and rebuke those vicious attacks. No path to success comes without roadblocks, but perseverance always prevails. My people, our people, we are determined to overcome. We are determined to have our voices heard. Thank you for entrusting me to speak on your behalf.”

  They cheered more, and it was obvious they weren’t going to allow me to finish my speech. I said, “I would like to thank all of you! For your support and prayers on those rough days.” I gripped Taylor’s hand and looked at her. “And to my wife, words can’t express what I feel for you. You are an amazing woman.”

  The crowd clapped loudly. I sniffed to hold back the tears. I’d done enough damn crying in public. “You are a queen and I am a better person because of you.”

  Everyone clapped and chanted my name. When it came out we weren’t together, people would think this was all an act, but I meant every word. Taylor’s cooperation made the difference in the race. Her ability to be completely honest about her feelings made me want to be a better man. She hugged me and we kissed onstage. Cameras flashed rapidly. This was the best night of my life.

  Finally, I said, “Now, let’s get this party started!”

  The music came on and Taylor and I danced together onstage. I leaned in and said, “Stay with me tonight.”

  I couldn’t imagine sleeping alone after this victory. I wanted to hold somebody. She obviously had a few glasses of wine. “No, Devin. If I go home with you, we may end up back together.”

  “Would that be so bad?” She shrugged. Our foreheads were together and I asked again, “Is that the worst thing in the world?”

  “It’s not the worst thing, but it’s not the smartest thing.” She huffed. “To hell with it. How can I let your fine ass go home and sleep alone? You’re still mine until the ink is dry.”

  I laughed and we kissed again. I wasn’t sure what we were doing or if it even made sense. All I knew was that I needed her and I wanted her that night. We’d hash out the particulars in the morning.

  48

  CLARK

  Almost a month after the trial, Mia’s number popped up on my caller ID. My heart dropped, because I didn’t know if she was calling to fight or if she was ready to forgive me. I picked up quickly. She sniffed a little. “Hey, Ma.”

  “Mia-Mia?”

  “Yes. I just wanted to tell you I was sorry. I didn’t want to believe that Daddy could do something like that, but you just never know.”

  “You’re right, Mia.”

  “I’m sorry he hurt you and that you hurt him. It’s just sad. I never thought things would be like they are. I don’t even know where to come home to. What am I supposed to do for Thanksgiving?”

  “Mia, this is your home and don’t you forget that. I can’t love and support a man who molested a child, but I will always love a child that I raised.”

  She sniffed again. “Thanks, Ma.”

  “Mia-Mia, I’ll always be there for you, okay? Don’t let anyone tell you that I’m not your mother. Okay?”

  After her phone call, I was at peace with everything. Well, almost everything. I wanted to talk to Raven. I contacted her social worker after the trial to see if we could have a supervised meeting, but she didn’t think it was a good idea, at least not so soon. So that was an open wound that I would have to let heal in time. And maybe one day I would get my opportunity to apologize to her.

  The group home had been foreclosed. Ms. Teeny and I were planning to reopen under a different name, but we would have to go through the entire proposal and certification process again, which could take upward of a year. In the meantime, I continued to work and make the best of my upside-down world. Maybe there was a message in all of this, but I had yet to figure it out.

  As the general election approached, I thought more and more about Devin. I wanted to call him, but I didn’t. I wanted to see him, but I didn’t. It wasn’t so much that we’d been exposed, but more because I was embarrassed. I wondered what Devin thought of me. How could I be stupid enough to think that Kenneth was innocent? Maybe a part of me wasn’t ready to fully take that next step with Devin. Maybe I would always think he’d hurt me like he did the first time. It was just easier to support Kenneth and run away from what I felt with Devin, but who could I run to now?

  Ever since the trial, I’d been coming straight home from work, curling up in my bed and watching movie after movie.

  On the night of the general election, Reggie invited me over so that we could have drinks and celebrate. We were certain that Barack Obama would win the election, but I p
referred to stay home. I wanted to see if Devin Patterson would win, too, and I didn’t want anyone reading too deeply into my emotions. I had a bottle of wine and my remote control to keep me company. I flipped back and forth between MSNBC and the DC and Baltimore local news channels. I needed to know if Devin won. Even if he couldn’t be mine, I wanted him to win and I wanted to see him. I wanted to see the expression on his face.

  When they announced that Barack Obama would be the next president of the United States, I leaped from my bed with excitement. My phone rang off the hook, but I turned up the television to hear the reporters. I would call Reggie and Teeny back shortly.

  When I switched back to the local news to hear what they had to say, I nearly fainted when the cameras went to Devin Patterson’s victory party. He’d done it. A part of me was proud, but then there was a part of me filled with rage. How did he manage to come out on top all the time? My heart sank when Devin finished speaking and turned to kiss his wife. He stroked her face like he was so in love. Why did I feel betrayed and jealous?

  My phone seemed to be ringing like crazy: text messages, phone calls. Everyone was excited—everyone except me. I covered my ears with a pillow and let tears run down my face. I didn’t bother to wipe them. Visions of Devin and his wife upset me to the point that I was shaking, wondering if he would have really left her and whether I’d be sitting here alone anyway. She was beautiful and elegant, and they looked perfect together.

  My body was numb. It just wasn’t fair. I wanted Devin. She didn’t deserve him. I did. I should have been there. I should have gone to meet Devin when he called me days before I married Kenneth. I was thirty-five years old, back on the singles scene, back working a nine-to-five and digging myself out of debt. I didn’t know how to pull all the pieces back together. I went downstairs and grabbed another bottle of wine. I didn’t bother to grab a glass. I planned on taking it straight to the head.

  49

  DEVIN

  I rolled over and looked at the clock: 6:07 a.m. I patted the other side of the bed, and Taylor wasn’t there. My head popped up and I got out of bed. I walked through the house. Jennifer and Aaron were packing their car to leave. When they saw me come down the stairs, they looked shocked. They’d told me they were leaving early so Nicole could make it to school in time. Obviously there was a baffled look on my face, because Jennifer said, “Taylor left a few minutes ago.”

  I was slightly embarrassed, because I didn’t realize anyone knew she’d stayed the night. “Oh, yeah, she fell asleep. She told me she was leaving early.”

  Nicole sat in the family room, bundled in her coat, pissed that she was up at the crack of dawn. I walked in and kissed her on the cheek. “Have a good day, Nikki.”

  She nodded and looked extremely agitated as I walked her to the door. When they left, I quickly called Taylor. When she answered, I said, “So is that how we do it now? You come get a piece and leave before sunrise?”

  “Look, Devin. We aren’t doing anything. I came to keep you company last night because you deserved it, but I don’t plan to just be getting a piece from you,” she said with conviction.

  “But I’ve offered you more.”

  “And I’ve declined.”

  Her words stung and would have offended anyone who had any feelings for her. I wondered when all this anger surfaced. It just didn’t make sense. I said, “Taylor, what’s wrong? Why are you acting like this?”

  “Your phone is in the bathroom. Check your text messages.” She hung up.

  I rushed upstairs and into the bathroom and looked at my text messages. C Winston had left four new messages through the night. The first one read: BRAVO DEVIN! The next one: DID YOU EVER REALLY LOVE ME? The next: I’M SICK WITHOUT YOU. AND FINALLY: IT’S JUST NOT FAIR THAT WE NEVER HAD OUR TIME.

  My heart sank. What the hell was she doing up all night sending these messages? I called her, and she didn’t answer. I called nearly ten times before my parents got up and began moving around the house. A part of me wondered if I was interrupting her home, but the other part didn’t care. She was hurt and missing me the same way I missed her. We’d bypassed each other enough on the road of life. An hour or so later, my parents’ car came to take them to the airport, and it wasn’t even eight o’clock yet. I didn’t have to be anywhere until ten. I needed to see Clark.

  When I called back again, she answered the phone groggily. “Hello?”

  “Clark.”

  Her voice perked up. “Devin?” She sounded surprised to hear from me.

  “Yes, Clark. It’s me. Yes, I’ve always loved you and I’m more sick without you and whatever time you want to be our time, let’s make it happen.”

  She sucked her teeth and I could hear her moving around in her bed. “What?”

  “I’m responding to all the messages you sent me last night.”

  She coughed and laughed. “Devin, I was so drunk.”

  “A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. But I’m sober as shit right now. My words and my thoughts are the same. I’ve spent almost ten years missing you, regretting every relationship because of you. I can’t do it anymore. Our lives have grown together; despite all the time we spent apart. Let’s stop fooling ourselves.”

  “Devin, how can you just make that decision today and you were telling the world how much you loved your wife last night?”

  “Clark, my wife and I are separated and we plan to legalize it next week.”

  She sniffed, and I continued pouring my heart out. “You deserve me. You deserve a good man that loves you.” She started crying, and I kept going. “And I deserve you. We are supposed to be together, and I don’t care what anyone thinks about it.”

  “Devin, I’m getting a divorce. My husband really did have a relationship with that girl.”

  For some strange reason, I never doubted that he was guilty. Clark deserved a better life and I wanted to give it to her. I felt as if God had given me another chance, and I promised not to mess it up this time.

  50

  CLARK

  I met Devin at his condo in DC the day after the election. When I walked in the door, he said, “Would you move into a house that I lived in with an ex-wife?”

  “I was your first wife, Devin, and from the looks of things, your only wife. Why wouldn’t I?”

  “I hoped you’d say yes. I want you with me.”

  We haven’t left each other since that day. Devin gave me an astronomical budget to redecorate his home and make it my own. We stayed in his DC condo until the renovations were done. Then we moved to our home in Mitchellville. It was all I ever dreamed my house to be.

  I sold it all, everything. This was a fresh start and the promise of the life I always wanted. The house sold for way below market value, and I barely broke even because of the second mortgage on the house. Devin settled all of my outstanding debt. That was the least I could do for Kenneth. When he got out of jail, at least he’d be starting with a clean slate. I wasn’t sure what he planned to do, but that was no longer my problem. I took on Mia’s tuition, because she was still my child. Our relationship was outside of Kenneth.

  Devin and I opted to be life partners and not taint our bond with marriage. We were committed to each other, and we wanted to wake up every day and reaffirm that commitment. We didn’t need any legal papers to force us to be together. Our union was totally at will. I didn’t fear him leaving and he didn’t fear me leaving. We’d been married spiritually for a long time, and we had nothing to prove to anyone.

  My new job as director of programs for Love My People has been adventurous and rewarding. My purpose would spread around the globe, helping black girls and women everywhere. It was my responsibility to organize high-society charity events to raise funds for our programs. That was probably what I loved most. Ms. Teeny is my well-paid assistant director, and she loves getting the opportunity to travel and look at all the fine black men this world has to offer.

  She wouldn’t be accompanying Devin and I when we heade
d back to Nicaragua to pick up our baby, Devin. Amina had passed away about a month before, and Señora Gonzales contacted Devin to ask if he and his wife were still interested in adopting the baby. We never thought twice. Instead, we began handling things and making sure the paperwork was processed correctly.

  When we got on that little plane from Managua to the Corn Islands, I held his hand tightly, still the bumpy ride I recalled, but this time I wasn’t afraid. I was excited about life. Our life together and the life of our new baby.

  When we arrived at the outreach center, Señora Gonzales was glad to see us. We hugged and she told us how Baby Devin was doing. He’d tested negative before he turned nine months.

  Señora Gonzales wanted to have a small going-away party for him. He was such a happy baby and even sweeter than I recalled. We stayed the night and took Baby Devin to the hotel with us. I had expected him to take a moment to adjust, but he fell right asleep in the Pack ’n Play we’d rented from the hotel.

  Before we left the next day, we said our good-byes to Señora Gonzales. We promised her that we’d be sure Baby Devin knew his heritage and we’d bring him back as often as possible when we were doing our outreach work. We decided to tack Patterson on the end of his name, and not change his last name in case he ever wanted to know more about his biological family. Señora Gonzales looked at me as we were about to leave. “You have something to tell me, no?”

  “Huh?”

  “I can look at you and see something.”

  Devin smiled and said, “Yes, we’re expecting a baby, too.”

  “No!” she said dramatically. She yanked me and hugged me. “God bless you.”

  My eyes shot at Devin. We’d agreed to keep it under wraps until my second trimester. I guess we were merely a week away. So it was no harm. Yep, on our first try, the IVF worked. Devin and I were biologically created for each other. When we told people that we were adopting a baby, those who knew we were trying to conceive thought we were crazy. We were just making up for lost time, and I’d never been more happy and fulfilled in my entire adult life.