“That is no statue, Sir Ichabod. That is a man that has been turned to stone by cruel and evil magic. Behold, good Knight, we stand before the castle of the sinister sorceress,
Morgana Le Meerrin!”
Chapter 10
Mistress Morgana Le Meerrin
“Oh my Goodness, what a scary castle! I never saw actual black stone like that before. Is it just me, or does the arch of the entry gate remind you of a frowny mouth? Especially with the teeth-motif portcullis. The crenelations of the battlements and highlights of strategically placed, flickering torches convey the eerie impression of a disapproving skull surveying us.”
“Forsooth thine observations are true m’lord. Bumps, as one may see upon the freshly plucked skin of a goose rise on my arms as the hollow orbs seemeth watch our trepid approach.”
~gulp~ “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Stephanie, Ma’am. Why are we even here? You said this was the castle of an evil sorceress! We’re questing ogres, remember?”
“Aye, but t’is on the way.”
“Can’t we just go around?”
“Nay t’is naughtte proper noble Knight fashion, m’lord.”
“But she does real magic! She can turn men to stone!”
“You too are a great wizard, Ichabod. Remember, thou art the man.”
“But,...”
“It is the way, Sir Ichabod. Now go and make challenge.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug
~Toot! Toot!~
“Hello? Anybody home? Well I reckon not. We tried Miss...”
“Arr, who be this, friend or foe? Arr.”
“Howdy, mister! We ain’t foes, we’re friends! We’re real friendly. We were in the neighbourhood and thought we’d stop in and pay our respects to the resident evil, oops, I mean, kind sorceress, Morgana Le Meerrin, but if she don’t want to be disturbed, that’s okay, we’ll just...”
“Stand by, he who claims friendship with the Mistress of Castle HamSpanx, we are lowering the drawbridge to allow your strange carriage entrance.”
~errr-r-r-r-r, kunck! kuh, kuh, kuh-~
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“Stop there. This page boy will escort you to our Mistress.”
“Thank you, sir. Hunh? I don’t believe it! It’s our buddy Spyke! What are you doing down here in Castle HamSpanx?”
“Wot, who, me? My name’s naughtte Spyke, it’s Slyck. You must have me confused with my cousin wot works up in Camelot, what’s name be Spyke.”
“Dang, y’all favour something fierce, buddy.”
“Everybody says so, if naughtte in those words, m’lord. Cometh with me, please. Hmmm, I’ve worked here for several years now, but I still get lost in this gloomy maze once in a nonce. Let’s see, methinks we want this long, spooky passage down here. Ah, yes, here we are, I’m sure these huge double doors, braced by heavy timber, generously adorned with metal studs and stoutly bound by iron hardware that could just as well hinge a door thirty times this size lead to the room where her majesty awaits.”
“Should we knock, Slyck?”
“I don’t know, as I am suddenly filled with a nameless sense of dread that clutches my heart in an icy grip of unspeakable fear.”
“Um, yeah, me too, pard.”
“I sayeth, please excuse me gentlemen and allow me to open the door.”
~eeeerrrrrk~
“Maybe she’s already gone to bed, Spyke.”
“Yeah, Icky, maybe we should all just leave.”
“I proclaimeth, a Knight of King Arthur’s Round Table calls upon the Mistress of this Dark Castle! Show yourself, Sorceress!”
“Shh! Quiet, Miss Stephanie, she’ll hear you! Oops! I mean, we don’t want to come off as pushy. Besides, it looks like there ain’t nobody around, no how.”
“Eh hem, Sir Ichabod, thou must now walk forward into the chamber.”
~gulp~ “Yes, Ma’am, if I gotta.”
clank. klinckety-clankclankclank, kink!
“Eek! Run, y’all! It’s a giant! It’s gonna gobble us up!”
“Nay, Sir Ichabod, t’is baughtte a great stone monument carved into the grinning image of a human skull. The twenty foot granite bit of tackiness rests on a high pedestal. Methinks it most theatric the way the looming skull glows with the fiery intensity of a huge, roaring fire on the opposite side.”
“It’s got big ram horns!”
“I did mention I thought the thing tacky.”
“Oh, it sure is quiet in this spooky place, Ma’am.”
“T’is quiet, aye, too quiet, methinks.”
Castle HamSpanx has visitors,
claiming both friendship and nobility!
As I am the Grand Inquisitor,
I would look upon such a novelty.
“That was a sure ‘nough scary sounding woman’s voice coming from the other side of this big scary rock statue and echoing around this massive room. Uh, oh, Miss Stephanie, this here horny skull monument is turning!”
“I sayeth, thou art correct m’lord, for as the turnstyle now presents the opposite side of yon spinning stone, lo, it reveals itself to be a carved throne! Halfway up, a seat is quarried that this castle’s Queen may sit.”
“I prefer ‘Mistress’, to ‘Queen’, girl.”
“Howdy Miss Mistress Morgana Le Meerrin, Ma’am. My Goodness, you sure do look regal, as you sit there, back straight, chin high and eyes a-glare.”
“The product of proper breeding.”
“Yes, Ma’am. My name is...”
“It matters naughtte what your name is! It is plainly written upon your appearances what you are! Obviously, you are a questing Knight, and this girl, his quest-maiden. Strange, I sense that unlike so many of the wenches that accompany the Knights that fall into my clutches, eh, come to visit, this girl is of noble rank. The lineage of this paltry Knight though is of extreme question. The runt is plainly as plain as dirt from the plains. My supernatural senses are never wrong and I can easily tell that this one is uncommonly common. Nevertheless, this creature is clearly, legitimately, Knighted. Speak, boy, art thou truly of King Arthur’s Court?”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Mistress Morgana Le Meerrin, Ma’am.”
“Alas, the King’s standards are slipping. This is a sign that it is time to set the coup in motion.”
“Do you mean ‘coo’, like a pigeon?”
“No, I mean coup as in coup d’etat, which means, oh never mind, it doesn’t concern you anyway. Come, you intrigue me, my low-born Knight. Pickings have been slim lately. Perhaps I’ll go slumming, just this once. You may accompany me to dinner.”
“Gee whiz, thanks, Ma’am, I’m always hungry!”
“Come, my errant Knight.”
“Golly Miss Mistress Morgana le Meerrin, Ma’am, that sure ‘nough is a form fitting gown you’re a wearing! I didn’t know dresses could fit that tight! I reckon there ain’t nothing inappropriate to it since it covers every inch of your body from the cuffs of your sleeves to the oval of space surrounding your bemused facial features, but at the same time the clingy, shiny black fabric clearly shows off your fearsome form with every gliding, sensual step you take as you descend your monster rock throne.”
“Yes, it does. You are so observant to notice, my pet. I invite you to follow me to the dining hall.”
“Yes, Ma’am!”
“Eh hem, I sayeth, m’lord, but thou art keenly aware of the swaying of this keep’s Mistress’s hips, art thou naughtte, for merry, you have been, and remain, as transfixed upon the gentle rolling swells of our hostess’ generous, shapely bum as she leads us through dank corridor and up stony stair what so that made your observational captivity oh so much easier, eh hem, lo the past three minutes!”
“Hunh?”
“Here we are, my little Knight. Oh, you, the quest-wench. I didn’t notice that you were tagging along. You are free to leave, little bird.”
“Hunh? Hey! Miss Stephanie is staying right here with us!”
“Thanks, Miss Mistress Morgana Le Meerrin, Ma’am. Um, we’ve been having some nice weather lately, ain’t we, hunh?”
“I am naughtte one that is concerned with the weather. I want wine! Slyck, where dost thou hide? Bring me my wine!”
“Eek! Yes, my Mistress! Here I am! Now then, here’s glasses all around. And now I shall carefully pull the cork from the bottle.” ~courck!~ “and now I shall carefully pour a glass for our visiting Knight...”
~SMASH!~ “You imbecile! I am the Mistress of this castle! I am always seen to first!”
“Hey, easy there. There ain’t no need to go swiping that there bottle out of this boy’s hands to smash on the floor like that! It was a simple error in judgment!”
“SILENCE! I shall dispatch this worthless knave and send for a replacement.”
“Now, there ain’t no need to fire this young man.”
“When I said ‘dispatch’, I did not intend dismissing him from his place of employment.”
“Oh, you meant you were going to kill him. Oh! You meant you were going to kill him!”
“It is actually a fortunate occasion. I have a brand new poison-injecting finger-cap thimble needle that I have been eager to try out. The finely crafted silver piece...”
“Looks like pewter to me, Ma’am.”
“Shut your filthy mouth; it’s silver! Anyway, it fits over my middle finger like this. I now insert the needle into this handy poison reservoir that lies within a secret compartment on a ring upon the finger of my opposite hand to load up the killing device.”
“Oh my Goodness, Miss Stephanie, Mistress Morgana Le Meerrin is gonna slay poor little ol’ Spyke, I mean, Slyck! What are we gonna do?”
“Ah, the needle is loaded and all that remains is for me to plunge the poison filled needle of painful death into the offending parties neck thusly...”
“Freeze, right where you are, Morgana Le Meerrin! If you move one more inch, ruin and damnation shall pour down out of the Heavens in such a reign of righteous punishment that you will be pummeled right down to the deepest bowels of this Earth to burn for all eternity! Do you naughtte know what terrible being you have allowed into your keep? Foolish woman! This is the great magician that blotted out the Sun, even while he burned alive! The Sun burns only by his tender mercy and only by same does it yet shine. This is the great sorcerer that accepted a challenge from none other than the Great Merlin! The skies poured out a torrent of lightning such as has never been seen! This man took all the terrible magics that wizard could summon and laughed! Then he sent Merlin’s keep to melt into the Earth and will be there waiting for you in Hades when you arrive! This is the undefeated champion wizard of Camelot! He rides a chariot that is blown along its path by the fiery breath of the dragon itself! This be the man that art the man! Bow down and beg for mercy! Tremble with fear in your final folly! This be Ichabod!”
“Eek!”
“On your knees, cursed she-beast! If thou even thinkest of harming this page, the Great Ichabod will turn you into a toad, foul sorceress! You will spend your days living in the moat, a bloated, croaking, amphibian Queen!”
“Eek! Mercy, Ichabod!”
“Hunh? Oh, I mean, yeah, all that kind of terrible stuff is going to happen you if don’t quit acting like you’re going to kill Slyck! You need to quit playing around and start behaving yourself, Ma’am!”
“Eek! Oh, I am so sorry, oh mighty Ichabod who art the man! Forgive me, I mean, er, I was just kidding, right? Ha, ha, we kid around like that all the time around here, don’t we Slyck?”
“Uhhh.”
“See? No harm done, oh great wizard. I’ll just give him an affectionate pat on the head and a playful swat on the rump to send him off to bed, yes?”
“Well, I reckon everything is all right now.”
“This is good, my honoured guest. Please be at ease, m’lord. I bid that thee now spend the night, in Castle HamSpanx, oh Ichabod who art the man. It is my wish to make your stay as comfortable as possible.”
- - -
“Hear my voice, Ichabod.”
“Smell my scents, Ichabod.”
“Feel my touch, Ichabod.”
“Hunh?”
“Awaken, my little man, it is I, your Mistress Morgana. Awaken Ichabod, that I may lie close with thee.”
“Hunh?! Oh my Goodness! Did I get your bed by mistake, Miss Morgana, Ma’am? I’m as sorry as I can be! I thought sure this here sumptuous boudoir was indicated for me to use, but if I got it wrong...”
“Silence! Oops, I mean, quiet my young boy. Be soothed, my pet. Lie easy, my Ichabod.”
“Gee, Miss Morgana...”
“Mistress!”
“Oops! Yes, Ma’am, Miss Mistress Morgana, Ma’am! Um, gee, Miss Mistress Morgana, Ma’am, I never suspected that you were really a blond. The gown that you wore earlier hid your hair and your many other charms. Your long blond hair that is at first pulled back from your stern face with a small bit of black material then cascades around your bare shoulders like a yellow curtain of containment. Where the other dress was of a solid material, this here negligee is made of a sheer, black nothingness, except for where it covers the most sensitive areas. You know, I suspected you were a full figured gal, but from where I am, lying in bed with you straddling me, sitting back on your haunches, I can tell, you really do have an admirable figure, Ma’am.”
“Thou wouldst bet thy sweet bippy, oh Ichabod who art the man. I am desirable, am I naughtte, my Ichabod?”
“Um, yes, Ma’am.”
“Good, for there are things that I would do to you.”
“You’re not going to turn me to stone, are you?”
“I sense that I have already turned one appendage to wood.”
~gulp~
“Join with me, Ichabod! Together, we will rule the World!”
“But what about Miss Stephanie!”
“That bothersome wench! I have plans for her. There’s no need to let good food go to waste.”
“Hunh?”
“Oh, nothing, darling.” ~pounce!~ “I have you pinned, Ichabod. My remarkably strong grip holds your hands back high above your head. My luscious, voluptuous, body presses against you. You are powerless against my irresistible charms! My intoxicating fragrance melts your will. You know that you experience pleasure. Together, we shall be the World’s original power couple! We shall be unstoppable! Admit it, you desire me. We are meant to be together!”
~gulp!~
“You are for me, Ichabod!”
“Eh hem, I sayeth, I thinketh naughtte. No, rather, wherefore the future movements thou wouldst engage in Madam, will be exiting this young man’s room forthwith, post haste and immediately on penalty of forfeiture of one’s eyes, eh hem?”
“Hiss! The quest-wench! How didst thou enter this room? I locked the door! This be witchcraft! Eek!”
“Verily, thou hadst better runneth, lest I rippeth every strand of hair from thine scalp, sorcer-skank!”
“Eek!”
“Gee, that Miss Mistress Morgana Le Meerrin took off out the door and down the hall like a pack of angry opossum were nippin’ at her heels.”
“Verily, I have no doubt she divined by mine voice that I was in complete earnest as to my promised actions.”
“I reckon that was good thinking on your part, Miss Stephanie, Ma’am. You were right, that Miss Morgana sure ‘nough did try to pull a fast one. She was really trying to vamp me, I tell you what! You slipped out from under the bed where you was hiding in the nick of time! Do you think she’ll be back?”
“Naughtte bloody likely.”
Chapter 11
The Great Mischa
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“Gosh, Miss Stephanie, this here questing is more fraughtte with peril than I had at first imagined. I didn’t figure on getting roasted in my armour, blinded by salt, eaten alive by hungry
insects, nor heavy vamping by sexified sourceresses. I thought all I had to do was defeat a big ol’ ogre and be done with it.”
“T’is a road with many an unexpected turn, m’lord.”
“Are we getting any closer to that there magic ogre’s castle, Ma’am? This questing business will flat wear you to a frizzle frazzle and that’s the Jack-Rabbit dog-gone nut of it, I tell you what. If I ain’t shooting straighter than a factory fresh Colt ‘78, then I’m swimming in Davy Jones’ locker eating a ‘nanner sammich.”
“Truly thy words are beyond my ken, m’lord.”
“Hunh? Don’t you know no good English when it’s getting talked at ya?”
“Eh hem, I see, it seemeth m’lord ist displeased with mine own common tongue and pines for more sophisticated company with which to share such pleasing ideas on high. Verily, I be deepest ashamed for thou art from a distant future where education is a common thing and even women may learn to read and write. Alas, this poor soul lacks thy tender graces. Thou hast such a clever way of speech whereas I am the bearer of a simple mind that blooms naughtte in great and wondrous thought as thy brilliant and shining brain as is evidenced by thy golden speech. The bicameral hemispheres of my gray matter are but fecal matter next a mind such as thine. Oh, pity me that I am but a simple minded female that can no more ken the meaning of thy lofty phrases than I can grasp a bird in the sky, the early morning mists, nor moonbeams on a summer night. Nay, I must beg of thee to grant mercy and patience for my incomprehension and lackard’s wit. A humbling thing it is to be caught within the brilliant luminescence of thine infinite intelligence, m’lord, and I pray that I am able to cause thee the least consternation as may it be allowed of mine empty mind.”
“Uhb, gee, um, I reckon I owe you an apology, Miss Stephanie, Ma’am.”
“We are in agreement to this reckoning, m’lord, and I graciously accept thy due apologies.”
“You know, there are folks in my time that are not against a woman getting an education. Heck, I’m all for it myself. I’ve seen where many women have risen through the ranks of medicine and industry. Some people think that one day, women will be able to vote! Maybe even hold public office!”
The Title of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 8) Page 8