Chance nodded but didn’t speak for a long second. “Wow.”
“Yeah.” Was there something else to say or were we going to just leave it with one word answers?
“Um, let me think for a second. Right. Ah, I don’t know why I would have said any of that. I know what my feelings for you are, and I am falling for you. I’m not going to lie to you. So, yeah there’s that. But the thing is? I’m really not sitting around thinking about getting married.” He squared his shoulders. “I don’t ever want to get married.”
My mouth fell open. “Ever?”
Chance sat down on the bed, and I followed suit. “Look at all of our families. I mean, does marriage seem like such a great idea? I know yours are still together, but are they happy?”
Happy? No, I wouldn’t associate my parents with happy. “Not particularly.”
“Mine were miserable and then my mother was dead.” Chance’s father used to beat them and that was why he was practically allergic to violence. I didn’t need to bring that up right then but it hung there in front of us, both of us knowing what the scars on his back meant. “Maven’s are still married. The lawyer and the convict, which would sound like a book if they weren’t still together because neither wants to file the papers to get divorced. Banyan’s never did get married because his father was already married to someone else when he was cheating with his mother.” He side-eyed me. “Great illustrations, all of them, on the great institution, aren’t they all?”
He was right. “So you’re not secretly wishing it was just you and me and wishing you could propose?”
“No. I like things as they are. That’s screwed up, isn’t it? Or maybe it isn’t. We’re all doing well. Sure, there can’t be a future but maybe not everything has to have one. Maybe there is right now. That’s all we count on. We’re happy. That’s good enough. Why does there have to be more? We know this will come to an end. Fine. Now is what we focus on.”
They were all graduating at the end of this semester. I would still be here next year. The ease of all of this would disappear for sure. Chance was going to work in a lab that would lead, he hoped, to medical school. Banyan was going to try to make it as an artist. And Maven had gotten into law school. They were going to go on with their lives.
So, yes, there was right now and there was happiness. “As long as you mean that. I mean, last night when you were drinking you seemed otherwise. What is that phrase? In vino veritas.”
He pushed me down beneath him, coming over me on the bed. My heart kicked up. Well, this had taken an unexpected turn. “That would imply wine. My stupid ramblings were called tequila mixed with beer. That’s just nonsense. Ineptias.”
Of course Chance had Latin at the tip of his tongue. I grinned up at him, and his mouth came down on mine. I closed my eyes but opened my lids again a second later when he didn’t follow the first kiss with a second. “I want to know that you feel as much for me as I do for you. Even if you feel it for them, too. As long as I’m not alone in it I can keep going like this and not want anything else. Do you understand?”
I nodded. “I do have strong feelings for you, Chance.” What was the phrase he’d used? “I’m falling for you, too.”
His smile was slow, adoring. “Can you be quiet?”
I didn’t understand. “In what sense?”
Chance lowered his head, breathing in my ear. I shuddered. Why was that so hot? Or maybe it was just Chance. He was so… all-encompassing right now. “Can you be quiet while I make love to your body?”
I sucked in my breath. “I can try.”
“Good girl.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck. “You never saw, but yesterday I wore the black underwear set.”
His body jolted against my own. I loved being able to move him like that with just the thought of me in underwear he’d picked out. He flared his nostrils. “Wear them again. Soon.”
“Maybe.” I loved teasing him.
His mouth crushed mine. It was a claiming, or maybe I wanted it to be. I didn’t want this to be over and if I could, for now, let him convince me it didn’t have to be, I was going to let him. I wasn’t foolish. He’d even said there was no forever. That was fine. If this was it, that’s all I wanted.
The sex had been fantastic between us in the beginning but with each occurrence it was even better. It wasn’t familiarity. It was knowing how to touch him that would make him lose his mind, it was the fact that he knew I loved it when he ran his tongue over my neck. I hadn’t even known I loved it until he’d started doing it a few weeks earlier.
He pulled my shirt over my head, exposing my breasts, and I tugged at his. I wanted skin-to-skin with him. He understood and did as I wanted. Chance held a finger to his mouth. That was right. We needed to be quiet.
I pointed to the bed. It squeaked. He nodded, understanding. I could, maybe, keep myself from moaning or yelling or whatever I was going to do, but I couldn’t make the bed not give us away.
Chance picked me up in his arms. I loved that he could do that. He pushed me against the wall and I wrapped my legs around him. This would work once we weren’t half dressed but the anticipation intensified everything. He was hard. So much so that I could feel him throb against me, and he still had his pants on.
I bit down on his neck, the spot right where it met his shoulder and he jerked, making a low sound in his throat. Could I be quiet? Could he?
I stroked him through his pants, and he closed his eyes. “Vonni, baby,” he whispered in my ear again, a pained look on his face. “I haven’t come in my pants since I was fourteen. You’re going to make me lose it. I want to get you there and come inside of you.”
“I love that you want me so much.”
His eyes opened. “Don’t take you from me.”
We had made a point of no forever but there it was in his eyes. He blinked and it was gone. Maybe I’d imagined it. He pulled on my pants and all thoughts outside of him inside of me fled. “Do you have a condom?”
He nodded. “I know where they are in here.”
That was convenient. The closest piece of furniture was Banyan’s bureau. That was apparently where they were. He reached inside and one-handed managed not to drop me while retrieving the condom.
Chance smirked at me, and I rolled my eyes. I whispered my response. “Should I be impressed?”
“Always.” He tugged my shorts off, and they fell down to the floor. I could hear the buzzing of the heater, old and banging, trying to keep up with the open window. A car drove by on the street, slushing through the snow.
We stared at each other, each moment we didn’t progress making my mouth dryer, my need for him more, and my heart beat louder. Finally, he touched me, slipping a finger inside. He raised his eyebrows slowly.
“You’re so wet. I love it.” He stroked my clit, fast and then faster. I moaned then pulled the sound back. “That’s right. Quiet.”
Easy for him to say. I closed my eyes, and he bit down on my lip. “No. Look at me. I’m going to be inside of you very soon. I want those eyes.”
Chance was being very demanding for him. I loved it. This was what it meant to know him intimately. We could both… try things. “You tell me what to do, Chance, and I’ll do it.”
That must have been the right thing to say. He pulled back just enough to sheath himself in the condom, and then he was back, pressing me into the wall again before pushing inside of me. I let my head fall back against the wall.
I held his gaze, and he nodded at me like that was what he wanted. We’d never been so quiet, but all I could hear was the sound of Chance breathing and the noises outside. Somehow it also made it more private, more for just the two of us, as though there was no possibility anyone else in the universe would ever know what happened here.
I drew his mouth to mine, kissing him, and he moaned quietly. I captured the sound, bringing it inside of me while his body worshiped mine. His hand dug into my hip where he held me up. He was close. But I wasn’t.
I
He understood because he pressed a finger inside of me while he thrust his cock continually deep inside of me. I bit down on my lip, suddenly having a hard time not crying out. Yes, that was the extra stimulation I needed.
It sent me over in one rush of pleasure. I didn’t know what to do. Not making a noise was so hard, so ridiculously, agonizingly difficult. I leaned forward and nibbled his shoulder. I didn’t even know I’d done it until I did. He jerked, spilling inside of me. The second I realized I marked him I let go. I hadn’t made him bleed, but utter horror at having hurt him charged through some of my pleasure.
“Sorry.” I didn’t whisper.
He shook his head, pressing our foreheads together. “Bite me anytime. I loved that.”
I closed my eyes. “Okay.”
Chance kissed my lips, once then twice. “We all right?”
I nodded. “I am if you are.”
“Vonni, I’m so much better than all right it doesn’t even factor. But, yes. I am. I won’t freak you out again like that. I promise.”
I believed him.
But even as I said that, I knew what the problems were. We’d acknowledged we were more than friends with benefits but also that there was no future. That meant one thing—there would be heartbreak, even if I acted like an adult and we took it one day at a time. There would be a moment when my heart would break.
I squeezed him tighter. It wasn’t now. Later would take care of itself.
Maven had sent the pledges from the house to go get breakfast for the Brothers which was helpful in getting me out of the door without feeling too much like a walk of shame. I kept my head down in my dorm and was glad that I knew so few people there. Maven insisted on walking me in, which sort of negated people not knowing.
Everyone knew him or stopped to stare at him while we walked by.
He smirked at me. “You are so red right now. Relax. You just look like you’re wearing a coat. No one has to know you have no clothes on underneath it.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “I have some clothes on. I’m not a flasher about to be totally nude the second I drop the coat.”
“True. Of course, now you’ve put that image in my head.”
My phone buzzed, and I looked down at it. I’d put off all thoughts of Molly, but I was going to have to talk to her about what happened with R.J.—which I wanted about as much as I wanted another migraine.
It wasn’t Molly. It was Felicia, texting to let me know she’d spoken to her old boss and they wanted to meet me tomorrow. That was great. Progress in making things better for myself was a very good thing.
Maven nudged my shoulder, and I opened the door to my dorm room, letting us both in. “What are you grinning about?”
I set my phone on my dresser. “I didn’t realize I was grinning.”
He slumped down on my bed. “That’s a non-answer.”
For a second I just watched him. His eyes were closed, but he wasn’t sleeping. Instead, he looked relaxed. He was going to make a wonderful lawyer. I would probably not know him then. Maybe I’d see him on television someday.
He opened his lids. “You really don’t want to tell me why you were grinning? Or maybe why you suddenly look sad?”
I shook my head, slipping down onto the bed next to him. “I was grinning because it looks like I may get a job. I need one. So that is great news. And I look sad because it was recently pointed out to me that this relationship has an expiration date. I kind of already knew that. But it’s jammed in there in my brain right now, so I can’t stop thinking about it. I had the stray thought that you’d be a wonderful lawyer but I wouldn’t know you then.”
He tugged me up against him. “None of us know what’s going to happen. I’ve only known you weeks, but it feels like longer. Hard for me to picture not knowing you.”
That was true. When things were as easy as they were with us, when the flow of a relationship smoothed out the way this one did, how did that just stop?
Down the hall, someone shouted before a loud thump occurred. Dorm life was never dull.
Chapter 4
The first day of classes didn’t inspire me with a lot of confidence about the semester. I’d finally had to bite the bullet and take some of the required classes I’d been putting off. Math and science were really not my forte, but the liberal arts versions were both required for graduation.
They were set up for non-majors, and they were still going to make me feel stupid the entire time I was in them. I’d balanced the two hellish courses with Shakespeare 302 and a survey of 19th Century British Literature. I was really excited to begin. Monday, however, meant science and math were both on tap. I’d only have to face one of them on Tuesdays, but Mondays meant both.
By the end of Science for non-Science majors, or at least that’s how I was thinking of it, my head hurt again. It was clearly time for my period to start and when I got back to my dorm I was aware of two things. I needed to buy more pads, and I still hadn’t heard from Molly. She hadn’t returned to the dorm. We could wait each other out, or I could go ahead and breach the gap between us.
I sent a text. Hey, the other night was really bad. Can we talk?
She answered quickly. I was hoping you’d text. The other night was nuts! But you know boys and booze. Tempers, right? All is well.
All was well? I stared at her response. What was she talking about? All was not well. Sometimes I didn’t understand people at all. While I was in a texting zone, I went ahead and shot one to Maven through our group text.
Can you guys tell me more about R.J.? I’m just not sure what to make of our friend.
Banyan responded right away. Asshole…
I grinned. Maybe more than that.
I put back on my coat and headed outside. It wasn’t too cold. I’d swing past the small outdoor shopping center, where the clothing store I hoped to get a job was, on my way to get supplies. The weather wasn’t too bad, but the cold bit at my nose. I pulled my coat tighter around me. Maybe I’d have to invest in a scarf.
It took ten minutes to walk from campus to the store. I stood outside for a second, glancing up at the sign. What Once Was. It was a designer used clothing store. I’d never cared about clothing in any particular way before New York City, and it wasn’t like now I wanted to be some kind of designer. I really didn’t. But I’d come to notice, distantly, that the way people coifed themselves in Manhattan spoke a lot about who they were.
I opened the door and walked inside. There was nothing I hated more than this kind of interaction. Job interviews where I couldn’t simply stop speaking when I’d had enough were exhausting. I’d done this once before. I’d spent a summer working at a day camp in Boston. The job had required an interview.
Other than that, I had no experience with this. I suddenly realized I should probably have worn something better than my jeans. Internally, I sighed. Oh well, I might have already blown this.
I’d expected the shop to look like the clothing shops I’d visited before, but this one looked more like a costume boutique. It wasn’t just new designers, but knick knacks that looked like they should be in a museum were also displayed against the walls. I had pictures of my grandmother in similar creations, with their plunging necklines made for women with hourglass figures. Silk. From Paris. My mother had them on her walls in Boston.
“Are you Giovanna?” A woman suddenly appeared from between the racks of clothes. Her emphasis on the last syllable of my name made it sound more dramatic than it was. The woman speaking was beautiful. She wore a dress that looked like it should be on the wall with the others. Her hair was silver, not gray. Her eyes were a striking green, and that was when I realized she was in a number of the pictures displayed wearing the dresses for sale.
“Yes, ma’am.” I walked a bit forward. “Felicia said I should stop by today.”
She smiled at me with perfect, white teeth. I had the impression of a Cheshire cat. “We’re so happy you did. Felicia came when she needed to and things got better. Now, it’s your turn. For whatever you need.”
This woman didn’t speak with any noticeable accent. Yet I felt a bit like I was communicating with a non-native English speaker. She had a different turn of phrase. I blinked. This was rude. I hadn’t spoken, and I needed to say something soon.
“I… I’m looking for a job.” Okay, that much had to be obvious. “You’re looking for help?”
“We are,” a loud response came from the back room. Another woman stormed toward the front of the store. “And Felicia vouched for you. Giovanna Amsel, I’m Connie Francisco, and this is my sister Kay.”
The second woman couldn’t have been more different. With long, gray hair in braids she was dressed in overalls and a plaid men’s work shirt underneath. She carried a box in her hands that she promptly dropped onto the floor with a thud. “Can you work weekends?”
I nodded. “Sure.”
“A lot of college students say that and then they don’t or won’t.”
Kay sighed and walked behind the register. “We do most of our sales on weekends.”
“I don’t have any reason I can’t work on weekends.”
Kay pointed at me. “That is only half true.” Her eyes twinkled. “But okay, for now. She has to be here, Connie.”
Connie groaned. “You’re hired.”
I wasn’t sure what had happened, but I had a job.
I spent the afternoon unloading boxes in the back of the store. Everything had a place. For all of the oddness surrounding my hiring, my job turned out to be exactly what I expected. The store didn’t just sell clothing from an era long gone but also recently acquired high end pieces that seemed to sell as quickly as they were put out.
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