by Emma Davies
Flora bit her tongue. ‘Yes, of course,’ she said instead. ‘Sorry, I’m just concerned that Fraser will overdo things, that’s all. We all are, I know.’ She trailed off. There wasn’t much else left to say.
‘I might have that cup of tea now after all,’ she added. ‘Would anybody else like one?’
Ned groaned. ‘Not for me, thanks, I’m sick of the sight of the stuff.’
‘No, thank you, dear,’ added Hannah.
Flora didn’t really want one either – what she wanted to do was draw. With her new-found resolution still fresh in her head, she wanted to lose herself for several hours with just her pencils and a pad of paper for company. She looked around the kitchen but there wasn’t a single other thing she could think of doing, and she really couldn’t bring herself to sit at the table for hours and stare at the other two while making what felt uncomfortably like small talk.
On an impulse, she pulled her phone from her pocket to look properly at the photos she had taken the other day in Grace’s garden and, although she had taken several of the flowers and foliage, it was the bees she was particularly keen to see. She clicked on the first of the pictures, a shot from a little distance away, and scrolled through them until she came to the ones she had taken close up. They were perfect. She was still smiling as she left the room.
When she returned a few minutes later, art materials in hand, Hannah had gone. Ned had also moved from the table and was now slumped on the sofa against the wall, the evening paper in his hands, but Flora could tell from the angle of his head and the steady rise and fall of his chest that he would be asleep in moments. She sat down and opened her sketchbook.
Totally engrossed in her drawing, it wasn’t until a shadow fell over her that Flora realised Caroline had come back into the room, and was now standing right in front of her, peering at what she was doing.
She reached down and picked up Flora’s phone, squinting at the image on the screen.
‘The weird woman next door keeps bees,’ she said idly.
Flora felt her shoulders hunch.
‘Oh, do you mean my friend Grace?’ she said. ‘Yes, these are hers.’ She carried on drawing, adding in another line of detail. ‘They are truly amazing creatures,’ she added, ‘so I’m not surprised to find they’ve made a home with her. I only hope I can paint them well enough to do them justice.’
Caroline peered closer. ‘Well, I can see you’ve a way to go yet, but that looks okay. Rather you than me though, I can’t stand bugs…’
‘Well, I rather love my flowers, so I’m happy to have the bugs as well,’ she answered. ‘It seems a small price to pay.’
She was aware of Ned putting the paper down. ‘Thanks for coming over, Caroline,’ he said. ‘I’ll see you to the door.’
Flora was grateful for Ned’s interruption, but if Caroline was put out by his tone she didn’t show it. ‘I’ll just go and give Hannah a hug,’ she said. ‘I’m sure she could use one after the day she must have had. What are you going to do?’
‘About what, Caroline?’ Ned challenged.
Flora didn’t dare look at Ned, but stilled her pencil.
‘Well, Fraser of course,’ Caroline whispered back. She glanced towards the door in case Ned’s raised voice had summoned anyone. ‘Goodness, Ned, I know you warned me that seeing Fraser might be a little scary, but seeing him like that… ugh, it’s awful. The poor man.’ She paused for a moment. ‘I’m worried about you, Ned, darling. How on earth are you going to manage? I can’t see Fraser ever being able to get back to doing what he was.’
‘We’ll manage,’ he said through gritted teeth.
For a moment his words hung in the air between them and then Caroline gave a soft sigh. ‘Of course you will,’ she replied in a soothing tone. ‘Of course you will. It was a figure of speech. I didn’t mean that you wouldn’t be able to manage, of course not, but I can see that Fraser is going to need a lot more than just a couple of weeks off.’
Flora placed her pencil down gently before she broke the nib.
‘Caroline, the man has just had his chest carved open, of course he’s going to need more than a couple of weeks off, nobody here thought otherwise. But we’ll all muck in and we’ll get through it. Together.’
‘Yes, yes, of course. Well, I’ll just get off now, don’t worry about coming to the door, Ned, I can see myself out.’
It gave Flora little satisfaction to hear Caroline flustered, but her own heart was beating fast with indignation. She might be an old friend of the family, but who the hell did she think she was?
She turned back to her drawing as Caroline left the kitchen, trying to pick up from where she left off, but if her head had been full of worries before, now it was overflowing. She just hoped to goodness that Fraser hadn’t heard any of their exchange.
When she had waited long enough for Caroline to be out of earshot, Flora looked back up to speak to Ned but was surprised to find that he had silently left the room. A trickle of unease pooled in her stomach. Had he gone to see his dad? She quickly rose from the table and went through to Fraser’s room to check.
Ned was not there, however, and nor was Hannah. There was just Fraser, hunched in his chair, his face lowered towards his lap. At first she thought he was sleeping, but then she realised that his eyes were open.
‘Fraser?’
He didn’t even move.
‘Fraser… are you okay?’ There was a sudden flutter in her own chest.
She stood there, almost not wanting to move, until she saw a tiny nod of his head. She let out the breath she’d been holding, and moved forward to sit on the edge of the bed. The room was softly lit and, as she approached, he looked up slightly and the glow from the fire lit up his cheek and an expression full of sorrow.
‘Oh, Fraser…’ She took his hand, and knelt beside him on the floor. ‘I’m so sorry…’
His shoulders heaved.
‘They stopped my heart, Flora. Ripped me open like a chicken caught by a fox…’ His words caught in his throat. ‘And I’m thinking maybe they should have left me dead.’
He looked up then, and she could see his eyes, dark with pain. Her own eyes began to fill with tears.
‘I’m so sorry, Flora,’ he mumbled. ‘So sorry…’ He pulled his hand from Flora’s grasp.
‘What are you talking about, Fraser? You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, nothing at all…’
But Fraser shook his head, refusing to be comforted. ‘I’ve ruined everything… And now this.’
‘Listen to me, Fraser,’ she said softly. ‘You haven’t ruined anything at all. You’ve been really poorly, that’s all, but now you’ve come back to us.’
‘Aye and no use to anyone.’
‘Nonsense, try telling that to Hannah, or to Ned…’ She ran her thumb over the back of his hand. ‘And don’t you dare believe anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. We both know that in many ways what comes next is going to be the hardest part. There may well be bloody awful days up ahead, but we’ll tackle them one at a time until a day arrives that might not be quite so awful… then we might have a few which settle for being merely mediocre, and then before you know it, there might be a tiny glimmer of good, and I sincerely hope after that, completely and utterly wonderful. We will get through it, Fraser. I promise you.’
He squeezed her hand. ‘That’s a nice thought,’ he said.
‘That’s life, Fraser. Whatever it throws at you, throw it back if you don’t like it and wait for the good stuff. It will come, if you plant the seeds… and now you get to choose which ones to plant, just like the flowers in the garden… You might decide that some bits of your life need a good old prune, and other bits need more nurturing, but one thing is for sure, you’re going to have plenty of time to figure out which. And that’s okay, it really is.’ She leaned forward to kiss his cheek. ‘You take all the time you need. Just concentrate on getting better, and don’t worry about anything else. Just know that every day brings you a step closer to where you w
ant to be.’
‘You’re a good lass,’ he replied, his voice gruff. ‘I don’t normally talk much about my feelings, but… I am grateful to you, for all you’ve been doing for us. And I’m pleased to see Ned so happy.’
She looked at him for a moment. His face was lined and drawn, but it was the face of a good man nonetheless and he didn’t deserve to be made to feel like this. She could bloody murder Caroline. Old friend of the family or not, she should know better.
‘You get some sleep,’ she said after a moment. ‘You’ve got a lot of catching up to do.’
She gently withdrew her hand. ‘Is there anything else you need?’ she asked, checking that the fire was still burning brightly.
‘No, I reckon I’m all set.’ His gaze drifted to the table beside him, which was laden with drinks and tempting treats, newspapers, books… She caught the ghost of his smile.
‘You’re a lucky man having Hannah to look after you,’ she said.
‘Aye, that I am, lass, that I am.’
She dropped a kiss on his forehead. ‘Then I’ll say goodnight, Fraser.’ She rose and walked to door. ‘Sweet dreams,’ she added, but Fraser’s head was already bent.
It wasn’t until Flora was halfway down the hallway on her way back to the kitchen that Fraser’s words suddenly came back to her. I’ve ruined everything, he had said. And now this. Two sentences. Two separate admissions.
Oh, Fraser, she thought. Guilt over his heart attack she could understand. But what else have you done?
Hearing voices coming from the living room, she doubled back to speak to Ned. Coming closer, she realised that the voices were low and urgent and she took a couple more paces, wondering whether it was a bad time to interrupt. Hearing Ned’s grumbling tone, she hoped that he was already chewing Hannah’s ear about Caroline, but his voice became clearer as she neared the door.
‘We can’t keep pretending this isn’t happening, Mum. Sooner or later we’re going to have to do something about it, and the worse it gets the harder it’s going to be to keep it a secret. And Caroline isn’t going to keep her mouth shut forever, she’s made that very clear. Once that happens, we won’t just be losing our livelihood but our good name as well. We’ll be laughing stocks of the whole community, and I’m sorry, I don’t think this is going to pass. Think how Dad will feel if that happens. What he’s been through already is bad enough, but this? This could bloody well kill him!’
Chapter Seventeen
Flora knew she wouldn’t get a wink of sleep. She had crept away after hearing Ned’s words last night, tiptoeing back down the hallway with her heart thumping in her chest. She had retaken her seat at the table and pretended to draw for a while until Ned came back into the kitchen acting as if nothing had happened. Shortly afterwards, he had announced that he was heading up to bed. She followed him after a few minutes, lying awake beside him, everything she wanted to say locked tight inside her as the clock ticked through the hours until morning.
When Ned woke to milk the cows, she’d taken the coward’s way out and feigned sleep until he’d left the room. What would she have said to him? He was keeping something important from her and surely if he trusted her she would have been part of the conversation last night? Instead, she was one of the people from whom they were keeping the secret and that was what hurt most of all. They were supposed to be a couple, a team supporting one another through the good times and the bad, but last night she had felt excluded. After everything that she had done to help with Fraser, she had never felt less like a part of the family. It made her silently question whether Ned really loved her at all.
And then there was Caroline, the perfect blue-eyed blonde who Flora had never taken to and had chastised herself for feeling jealous of. But after last night she finally realised how much Caroline had insinuated herself into their lives. How she was always around, laying tiny barbs with her words, faking friendship and pretending to be caring when, in fact, she was anything but. Flora had no idea what hold Caroline had over Ned and his family, but something certainly wasn’t right. She gave a shiver when she thought how calculating Caroline’s behaviour had been last night.
Flora swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat up. She had two choices: she could either confront Ned and demand to know what was going on, or she could pretend that nothing was happening. Except, it wasn’t really a choice; from what Ned had said, time was not a luxury they had.
It was, however, still early and she doubted whether Hannah would be up yet, preferring to stay by Fraser’s side, which meant that she would have a little time on her own to gather her thoughts. Probably not much time, but it was better than nothing. She pulled on some clothes and went quietly downstairs and into the kitchen.
‘I’ll take you out in a minute, boy,’ she whispered, running a hand along the soft fur of Brodie’s back as she passed him on her way to grab a glass of water. The study was the obvious place to start looking, but first there was somewhere else she wanted to check, and she kicked herself for not having followed her instinct before. She crept past the door to the dining room, which was still closed, and went into the living room.
The mugs from the night before were still on the blanket box and she put them on the floor before lifting the lid to peer at all the things she had moved there a few days ago – more specifically, the thing which had been hidden inside a roll of tablecloth. Just what was it that someone had wanted to conceal?
She lifted out the piles of fabric and dumped them unceremoniously on the floor, pulling them apart until she found what she was looking for. She pulled the folder onto her lap, turning it around until it was the right way up and she could inspect the contents.
The first page was a bill, over-stamped with a banner of red ink which declared it to be a final warning. Flora blanched when she saw the amount. It was dated a month ago, just a few days before she had come to the farm, in fact. The second piece of paper was also a bill, as was the third. The fourth was a solicitor’s letter and the fifth… Flora let the papers fall to her lap, her stomach churning with anxiety. There must have been twenty-odd invoices in the file and between them they spelled out the fact that the farm was in debt to the tune of something approaching forty thousand pounds.
She had to force herself to look through the rest of the papers, not because she wanted to, but because now that she knew the farm was in so much debt, she needed to know why. There must be some clue that would explain what had happened. The farm accounts were kept on the computer in the study and yet these invoices had been separated from the others. Why was that?
She checked the dates again and realised that they spanned a period of a few months from before Christmas last year. It was now February. What was evident though was that these were bills for routine items, run-of-the-mill things that the farm would need on a regular basis; they had not been incurred through some huge unforeseen calamity that necessitated the purchase of new and expensive equipment, for example. In a way this was far worse, because it meant that the farm was simply not holding its head above water.
She glanced up towards the living room door and then back down at the folder in her hands. It had been hidden among a pile of tablecloths, in the dining room… Somehow this didn’t strike her as something that Ned would do; the dining room was Hannah’s domain, and if she had hidden the invoices then she must know the full extent of the problem. But who else knew? Did Ned? Or Fraser? Had the stress of being in so much debt been a contributing factor in his heart attack? She thought back to the conversation she had overheard the night before, trying to recall the actual words spoken.
After a few more moments she gathered together the invoices and placed them back in the folder but, instead of putting them back in the blanket box, she simply piled everything else back in and got to her feet. Pausing at the living room door, she stole another glance down the hallway and walked calmly in the other direction, slipping into the study where she put the folder down on the large desk and pulled the door behind her a
s she left. Almost closed, but not quite.
Five minutes later she was back again, carrying a box of her art supplies and, after nudging the door open with her hip, plonked it on the desk. This time when she left, she made sure the door was firmly closed behind her. Then she went back through to the kitchen, opened the back door so that Brodie could go out for a wee and stood with the reassuring solidness of the wood behind her, gasping in lungful after lungful of the sweet morning air.
Her head was spinning. Half an hour ago she had woken up wanting answers. Now that she had them, or some of them at least, she wasn’t so sure she wanted them at all. Nor was she sure if she was brave enough to find out all the rest of the pieces of the jigsaw, and what they would mean. A few weeks ago, she had come to the farm in love, excited, and hopeful for a new future. Now, though, it felt like the rug was being pulled out from under her, and the dreams she had were slipping further and further away. The tentative grasp she’d thought she’d had on life at the farm had proved itself to be nothing more than an illusion, and as for her relationships, perhaps they were the biggest illusion of them all. The trouble was, you couldn’t demand honesty from people when you weren’t being entirely honest yourself…
She gave a wan smile as Brodie came back into view, his tail waving gently as he spotted her. It looked set to be another beautiful day, but this early, still a little cool. Given a choice she would happily go back to bed and sleep for the rest of the day, but if she was to have a future at all, if any of them were, she needed to get to the bottom of this mystery, and soon.
With her head so distracted, Flora really hadn’t thought she would be able to draw at all but, surprisingly, after about ten minutes of thinking she would have to give up, she suddenly found the flow and the calm that came with it. So it was not until a good couple of hours later that she became aware of voices in the hallway, and footsteps getting closer.
It was Ned who appeared, his head bobbing around the door, not really expecting to see her, and almost doing a double take when he did. The look of surprise on his face was quickly replaced by a grin.