by Casey, Jane
‘Chris told me.’
‘Well, then. She’s just being a hypocrite.’
‘She told me she’d made all the mistakes already. She didn’t try to pretend she hadn’t done the same. She just wanted me to be aware that it hadn’t worked out very well.’
‘She couldn’t pretend she hadn’t done it herself because everyone knows. And everyone knows you can’t ignore how you feel about another person just because you work with them.’ He looked at me, his eyes full of longing. ‘You’ve been on my mind, Maeve. A lot. I’ve been keeping my distance but I can’t do it any more. And from the way you kissed me back, I’m guessing you feel the same way.’
‘I’ve never been able to resist a good kisser,’ I said, grinning.
‘You think I’m a good kisser? That’s a good start. Come here.’
‘No.’ I put my hand up to stop him. ‘Not sitting in the patrol car on duty. That’s just asking for trouble.’
The sky was fading from pure black to inky blue, and the dawn chorus was tuning up. The city was about to begin its day and even though it was early, there would be people up and about – people who would like nothing better than to see two Met police officers doing something they shouldn’t. Gary knew that better than I did and he didn’t argue.
‘Okay. I won’t touch you.’ His eyes were all over me, though. ‘If we could find somewhere to be alone, though …’
The possibility was dizzying. I shook my head. ‘I don’t think it’s a good idea.’
‘Just to talk.’
‘Talk?’ I raised my eyebrows. ‘We can talk now.’
‘All right. Not just to talk.’ He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. ‘Where do you live?’
‘Sydenham. What about you?’
‘Isleworth. Your place is closer.’
‘I have a flatmate.’
‘Is she out during the day?’
‘Yeah, but—’
‘Would she mind you bringing a strange man back with you?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said weakly. ‘I’ve never done it.’
‘Well, if she’s not there, I don’t think she can mind too much. I promise not to raid the fridge. I’m house-trained and everything.’ He started the car again and drove carefully out on to Oakley Road, where the traffic was already starting to build. ‘So that’s sorted, then.’
I wondered how we had gone from a first kiss to going back to my place in the space of two minutes. ‘Um. Today?’
‘No time like the present.’ He glanced across and grinned at the expression on my face. ‘I meant it, Maeve. We can just talk. And sleep. I could do with a decent kip. My next-door neighbour is having a job done on his loft. It’s like trying to sleep in a foundry.’
‘That sounds terrible. But I’m not sure, Gary.’
He patted my knee. ‘That’s all right. I am.’
‘Gary … I’m not saying yes. Yet,’ I added hastily when I saw his expression darken. He took a moment and I thought I’d wrecked the whole thing before it even got started. Then he smiled at me and I felt myself start to melt.
‘Just promise me you’ll think about it.’
‘I’ll think about it.’
He turned his face away from me as he watched the traffic, waiting to pull out onto the main road, but I still heard what he said under his breath. ‘I’ll be thinking about it too.’
* * *
I got all the way to the end of the shift without any more strange or disturbing experiences to report, and was almost disappointed. I was definitely disappointed when Gary disappeared from the nick without saying goodbye. I felt like a dog that had heard its lead being rattled and then got left behind. It wasn’t that I’d decided to take him home, I thought, wandering forlornly around echoing corridors, not finding him. It was just that I’d thought he would ask again. He’d seemed so keen in the car. Maybe he’d reconsidered during the last couple of hours when we’d caught up on paperwork and shared the details of the Karen and Steve show with everyone who was interested, which was everyone in the nick. Even Inspector Saunders came in to hear about it, laughing in her raspy voice.
‘Poor old Steve. I bet he got a right earful.’
‘She was not my idea of a submissive, I promise you.’ Gary shuddered. ‘Big lass, and loud with it. No wonder he had to cuff her to the bed.’
‘Was she pretty?’ Ray asked.
‘Was she fuck. Face down, remember? She was lucky she didn’t have a bag over her head.’
I couldn’t quite smile. I wasn’t all that impressed by the way Gary was talking. I knew I was working in a laddish environment and anything sex-related was fair game for humour, but he’d been nice to Steve and Karen. Now he was trashing them – and Karen in particular – because he had an audience.
It was just possible, I thought later, getting my bag and preparing to leave the nick for the day, that Gary had noticed I was annoyed. It was possible he’d decided to save himself a lecture from me on respecting women. Maybe he was hurt I hadn’t jumped at the chance of being alone with him. Maybe he’d just realised that it was an all round bad idea. I was half inclined to think it was a good thing that he’d changed his mind. It saved me from making any decisions. I had wanted to say yes – a lot – but the idea was terrifying too. I told myself not to be disappointed and it almost worked.
I hadn’t been able to get parked in the police station car park so I had a walk to get to my car – about five minutes – but it was hard to motivate myself when it was the end of the day and my back ached from sitting in the patrol vehicle for hours. I heaved my patrol bag on to my shoulder and started walking, staring at the pavement. There was still no news on Sally-Ann. There was still no sign of her attacker. I felt unbearably tired and strung out. What I wanted most was to go home. Not to the flat, but to Mum and Dad’s house, where I would be looked after and scolded and fed and loved.
But I couldn’t let them see me when I was white with fatigue. The one thing I’d promised myself was that they’d never know how hard the job was. I would never complain. It opened the door to their advice – why don’t you do something else? You’d be a fantastic lawyer. A barrister, even. You’d still be locking up criminals … And when I said no, my mother’s mouth turning down at the corners, and her voice flat as she inevitably got the last word. Well, you’re well able to argue. If you ever change your mind about the law you’ll be all set.
I was deep in thought about them so when I turned into the residential road where I’d parked it took me a second to recognise the man leaning against the side of my car. Gary had changed into a tight T-shirt, tracksuit bottoms and a baseball cap that was pulled well down over his eyes.
‘I thought you were never coming,’ he said.
‘I thought you’d left without me.’ It sounded so pathetic when I said it out loud but he didn’t tease me about it. He shook his head.
‘Never.’
I unlocked the car and he opened the boot without asking, to put our bags in side by side. I got into the driver’s seat. There was something unreal about this situation. I couldn’t begin to guess how I’d found myself here.
‘Okay?’ Gary sat into the passenger seat without waiting for an answer, and pulled his cap down a quarter-inch further before he put on his seatbelt. ‘I’m looking forward to you driving me for a change.’
I was a good driver and didn’t fluster easily but it was weird, having him on the other side of the car. It was very weird to think about where we were going. It was beyond weird to imagine what would happen when we got there. I didn’t move.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Just – are we really doing this?’
‘Not if you don’t want to. Do you want me to leave you alone? We can pretend none of this happened if you like. No kissing.’ His voice softened. ‘No confession that I fancy you rotten. I can just go.’
‘No.’ I said it without thinking. ‘Don’t go.’
‘So.’ He pointed at the road ahead. ‘Drive.’
It was pretty difficult to make small talk on the way to the flat and I drove in silence, for the most part. I found a parking space without any trouble, for once, not far away.
‘We can leave the bags in the boot,’ Gary said, taking off his cap and throwing it into the back seat. He ran a hand over his hair and smiled at me, and I was lost.
‘Okay.’
I got out and locked the car, then started walking towards the flat. Gary took hold of my arm, his grip firm. It pulled me out of my trance, because I couldn’t help thinking it was ironic that he seemed to think I needed to be guided when he didn’t actually know where I lived.
‘I feel as if I’m being arrested,’ I said, making a joke of it as I freed myself.
He laughed, but I knew he wasn’t all that pleased. I thought he probably needed to feel as if he was in charge, since he was on my territory. I let him hold the door open for me when I let us into the building, despising myself just a little for going along with it.
When I opened the front door of the flat, we were both reflected in the mirror just inside the door. I stopped for a second, unsettled to see the two of us side by side. He really was a lot shorter than me.
And it was shallow and pathetic of me to mind.
‘Do you want a cup of tea? Or some breakfast?’
‘No thanks.’ I’d expected him to look around, or at least sit down and talk for a bit, but he was completely focused on me. ‘Which is your room?’
‘That one.’
‘Show me,’ he said, his eyes locked on mine. Two words and I forgot all my reservations about him. I felt a slow twist in the base of my stomach that was lust, pure and simple.
I led the way to my room, which was a miracle of tidiness after my cleaning spree the previous day, not that he seemed to notice or care. He put his phone down on the bedside table.
‘Come here.’
I went.
He took hold of me and kissed me again. This time he was very much in control and I went along with it. He tangled one hand in my hair to pull my head back, so I gasped a little, and his mouth curled into a smile.
‘You like that.’
Before I could answer, he had pushed me back so I was leaning against the wall. He kissed me again, then started to unbutton my shirt, working fast, sliding it off my shoulders before I’d really realised what he was doing. Things were going too fast. I felt as if I’d gone on a nice safe carousel in an amusement park and ended up on a roller coaster. I’d never been with anyone like Gary before. All of my other boyfriends had been too nervous or respectful or ironic to be dominant, but it seemed to come naturally to him. Once again I had the uneasy feeling that I should call a halt before things went too far, but I couldn’t find the words, and I didn’t want to, and desire was driving out the logic from my brain. He pressed his leg in between mine, grinding against me and I felt faint with longing.
And then Gary’s mobile rang.
‘Fuck.’ He dropped me and turned to pick it up, his face grim as he checked the screen. ‘I have to take it.’
‘What is it?’
‘Shh.’ He turned and held one finger up as he answered it. ‘Hi.’
I crossed my arms and waited, trying not to look as if I was listening. He was silent, his expression unchanged.
‘Yeah. I know. I know. Look, I’ll be back soon.’
The person on the other end talked, and talked, and talked. Gary mouthed sorry at me and I shrugged.
‘Okay. So you said. I know. About half an hour.’ He checked his watch. ‘Maybe a bit longer, but not much. See you then.’ He hung up, staring at the screen for a second or two afterwards.
Playing for time, I thought. Then he looked at me, his eyebrows knotted with worry.
‘Would you hate me if I left now?’
‘Of course not.’ I watched him check himself out in the mirror. ‘But why do you have to go?’
‘I need to get back to my house. Builder trouble from next door. They’ve damaged our roof.’
‘Our roof?’ I repeated.
‘Yeah. I’ve got housemates. That was one of them on the phone. She’s all right. A bit griefy now and then. She’d moan your ear off.’
‘Oh. Okay.’
‘She wants me to go back and sort them out.’ He shrugged. ‘What can I do? The landlord will kill us if we don’t pull them up on it. I don’t want them to naff off before I get the chance to have a word.’
‘Don’t worry. I understand. I’ll come down so you can get your stuff out of the car.’ I pulled my keys out of my pocket.
‘Actually,’ he said slowly, ‘I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind driving me a bit of the way to Isleworth. If you don’t mind. It’s just that it’ll be a pain to get there on public transport and I don’t want to take too long.’
‘Oh, sure. Fine.’
‘Thanks, Maeve.’ He crossed the room and held me for a moment, nuzzling my neck. ‘This is just going to make it even better, you know. The anticipation, I mean.’
‘Yeah, I know.’
He pulled a face. ‘I’m going to have to get going, though.’
‘Ready when you are,’ I said sweetly, as if it had been my life’s ambition to act as his chauffeur. As if I didn’t mind at all.
6
I was late getting to work the next night, this time because I’d slept in. Driving across London and back again at Gary’s bidding, on an intensely hot day, had left me as weak as a newborn kitten and just as sleepy. I ate half a piece of toast, showered and fell into bed, only to wake in the dark, completely disoriented. The whole day, gone. I missed it. Shift work was breaking my spirit.
When I hurried into the briefing room I was aware straightaway that something was off. I sat down beside Sam Walters, who gave me a smirk I couldn’t interpret. There was a rumble of conversation too low for me to hear, and I told myself that it was pure arrogance, not to mention paranoia, to assume it was about me. Gary was in the back row, laughing at something one of the other officers had said. He gave me a wave when he noticed me looking at him, and I blushed. Everyone seemed to be watching us and although Gary didn’t look too bothered, I wasn’t pleased to be the centre of attention.
It didn’t last long. Inspector Saunders hurried in. She seemed to be suppressing her excitement about something, and she hurried through the crewings at top speed. Chris was back at work and the two of us were crewed together. I should have been disappointed not to have a whole night ahead of me with Gary, alone, but I was relieved. Gary made it hard to concentrate on the job.
The inspector had reached the end of her admin. ‘Just a quick update first. The victim in the sexual assault on Tuesday night is awake and talking, which is obviously a help. She’s given us a description of the attacker that matches the e-fit we’ve been circulating, luckily. She’s going to do one for us when she’s well enough but Mr Godley is proceeding on the basis that it’s the same guy. She’s told us about what she was wearing and carrying on the night she was attacked, so keep your eyes peeled for the following: one black bra. She said he cut it off her, so you’re looking for scraps of material, basically. Black lace knickers, size ten. An Omega watch with a gold face and a brown leather wristband. The victim was also wearing a small red enamel heart on a gold chain and we haven’t found it, or her phone, which was a pink Motorola Razr. The detectives have checked to see if it’s active on the network but as far as we can tell it’s powered off. He might have discarded all of these things or he might have kept them, or our victim might be mistaken. But be aware that if you come across any of these items you should contact the control room immediately.’
‘Are they any closer to finding him?’ I asked.
‘They’ve got a couple of leads. Nothing all that useful at the moment, I’m afraid. Mr Godley thinks he lives in Croydon and works near here or lives near here and works in Croydon. His team have been going back through the records to find anything that could be related and everything they can connect with him seems to be somewh
ere between here and there.’
‘That’s a pretty sizeable area,’ Chris commented. ‘Narrows it down to about a million people.’
‘I did say it wasn’t that useful,’ the inspector said mildly. ‘But if I know Charles Godley, he’ll get him in the end.’
I listened to the rest of the briefing, making notes, pretty much on autopilot. I couldn’t stop thinking about Sally-Ann. Afterwards I was slow to get up, writing a last couple of notes about stolen cars. As a result, I was one of the last out of the room, getting stuck behind two officers who were having an argument about which daytime television presenter they would shag if they could only shag one. I headed out of the briefing room with nothing on my mind except where I could find Chris and whether Gary would be there too.
‘Can I have a word?’ Andy Styles was right beside me, his face too close to mine. His skin was pale, his freckles standing out like flecks of copper. He’d been waiting beside the door for me to come out.
I wanted to say no, but I nodded. He looked up and down the corridor, then opened the nearest door, which led to an empty office.
‘In here.’
‘Can’t we talk here?’
‘It won’t take long.’
I went in, cursing my inability to be rude. For that, I had to wait until I was actually annoyed with him, which shouldn’t take long. Whatever he had to say, I knew I wasn’t going to like it. And I didn’t. But I hadn’t anticipated it in the least.
‘Don’t sleep with Gary.’ The words burst out of him, as if he’d been holding them back for too long.
‘What? What are you talking about?’
‘He’s got a bet on with a few of the others. He says he’ll have shagged you by the end of the month. He said he nearly managed it today.’
Andy paused, presumably waiting for me to deny it. I stared at him dumbly.
‘He waited until Chris was off because he knew Chris would stop him if he tried it on when he was around. Chris has been looking out for you, but Gary’s not bothered. He likes the challenge, he says.’
‘That’s just talk,’ I said firmly. ‘You know what it’s like. He’s not going to tell you lot how he really feels because you’d rip the piss out of him.’