by Ashley Beale
My phone starts to ring before I even have the keys in the ignition and I look down to see Avery's name. I'm scared to pick up the phone but I do anyways. "Yeah?" My voice comes out rough.
"Wait."
"For what?"
"Me. I'm coming outside, wait for me." I start to tell him I don't have time- which is a complete lie- when he pleads in a soft voice. "Please, angel?"
I sigh and shake my head. "You have three minutes and I'm leaving." I hang up the phone and drop it into the cup holder, my heart pounding in my chest. Why does he want to go with me to my mothers, to tell her I'm pregnant! Ugh!
He opens the door the exact second the clock shows its been three minutes, so I start the car and he hurries to close the door. "Perfect timing," he says with a giant grin on his face.
"Where are you going?" I ask as I back up.
When he doesn't answer me even after I've starting driving towards my mom's, I take a glimpse over at him. He didn't even bother brushing his hair or teeth, that much is certain of, he just smells somewhere between a bar and the sexy masculine scent he normally has. At least he changed his shirt. I lift a brow before looking out the front window again, wondering why he won't answer me.
Finally he speaks but I'm not sure if I care for the answer. "With you. I don't have to be there when you actually tell your mom, but I want to go there with you anyways."
"Why?" I ask him. I really want to know this answer, even though I shouldn't care at the moment.
"Because you basically admitted that you want to be with me and not Pierce. Because I know now, deep down, you want me to be the father. Because I want to be the father. Because I want to spend forever with you, even if I'm not."
My car swerves but I hurry to straighten the wheel as my cheeks warm up at what Avery just said. I can't help my voice from coming out hoarse when I speak next. "What are you saying, Avery?"
"Do I need to spell it out for you? I fucking love you, Cassie. I'm sorry. I really am sorry for being such a jackass, and I know I say that to you a lot. This shit over the last, what? Almost two years, now? Yeah, it needs to come to an end. It was fucked up, everything’s been fucked up, but all it has done has made me see that you and I, Cassie. You and I are meant to be together. It’s you and me forever, if you'll have me. I don't care if Pierce is the father, hell I don't care if it’s someone else's. I. Just. Want. You."
"I don't know what to say right now, Avery." God, I feel like the world's worse bitch, per usual. I want to tell him he's mine. I want to tell him I want him forever. I want to tell him how amazing I think he is, and how I love him more than I love myself. I just can't... yet. Not until I talk with my parents, talk with Pierce, and then really sit down and talk to Avery about it all. I need him to finally, for once, prove to me that it's me... and just me. That he means what he says. He has said a lot of the world's sweetest things, but he has said some of the nastiest things, too.
Not that I haven't.
He is right. This shit over the last couple years is beyond ridiculous. I'm ready to throw in the towel as well.
He doesn't respond, and I don't say more. We just continue the short trip to my mom's with the music on low. I hear Avery hum out a few songs, and he seems in a decent mood, so I decide we're in a decent place for now.
My mom rains my face in kisses when she opens the door. The past few weeks, she has been in the honey moon stage of her relationship, and all her time seems to be consumed completely by Jerry. I don't mind because I'm happy for them! It just sucks how alone I've felt. Well, to a point. I've had Pierce up until this week, so its this week I've felt alone. Amy is spending most of the summer in South Carolina with her aunt and cousin, Aubrey has Mason and Dakota and are trying to make a life with one another. My mom has Jerry, Avery's been fighting, and I don't like to see my dad much. Oh, and as for Carson and Shey, they have been back and forth with their families and one another. So yeah, its nice to spend time with my mom finally, even if Avery is tagging along.
She pulls aside to allow me to enter, says hello to Avery, then we walk out back to her little oasis of a sandy back yard. Jerry is there, laying on the chase lounger and reading on an e-reader. I almost have to laugh seeing him in old man glasses and knowing he is reading a book. I snicker at the thought of him reading something like the Fifty Shades trilogy.
He looks up and says a quick greeting to us all before getting lost in his literature of choice. I sit on the larger chair, sliding my sandals off to enjoy the sand under my feet, and I'm not sure if to be surprised or not when Avery sits next to me and places his hand on my knee. I see my mom giving me a questioning look, knowing I'm with Pierce, but she doesn't say anything. I'm sure she assumes Pierce and I broke up, even though we haven't... yet.
God, I can't think about that right now. I have another situation to attend to.
We all chat with one another, catching up. Jerry even puts his e-reader down to join the conversation. My mom asks Avery a lot about his fighting, in which he tells us he did officially drop out of, but he was high in the rankings and was making pretty great money. My inside flutters at the thought of it being strictly for me, but I'm still not positive if that is it. I know I'm part of the reason though, and although I hate that he'd ruin his future for me the way he did, it was a sweet gesture.
My mom tells us that she and Jerry will be going on a cruise in two weeks and I won't see them for four weeks. It makes me sad, because my mom is one of my best friends, but I've been longer without seeing her so I know I can make do. I am incredibly happy for the two of them. She is happier now than I ever saw her with my father, and I see now that all the pain and embarrassment my mom endured with my dad's affair, in the end, it was worth it to see her smile and laugh the way she does now.
Finally the conversation turns to me, and its almost time to eat, so I know I need to say it now. I just need to get it out there, even if I feel sweaty and my heart is racing out of control. Avery squeezes my leg and looks to me, as if he is asking if he should stay or leave. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. My mom has never been one to judge me, well at least not much, so I'm not sure why I'm so nervous and embarrassed to tell her, but I am. I guess I just don't want her disappointed in me.
"Mom," I say, opening my eyes. I look to Avery, then to Jerry, then finally I lock eyes with my worried mom. "I'm pregnant."
Her eyes widen and she gasps audibly before standing up and rushing towards. She pulls me up into a hug and I can hear her sniffle. When she pulls back, she looks at me with the greatest smile. "Oh, I'm so happy for you Cassie. I'm going to be a grandma!" She turns to look at Jerry with excitement, then to Avery. "And you must be so excited!"
"Uh, mom, there is more. And... wait... why would you assume its Avery's if I'm with Pierce?"
She cocks her head and takes a step back, dropping her hands from around my shoulders. "Well, Avery is the one here with you, not Pierce. So it just kind of makes sense. And what more? What is going on Cassie?" She looks to Avery once more, before her eyes start to glass and she looks at me.
"I may as well just say it. I'm not sure if the father is Pierce's or Avery's." I look down at where I'm digging my toes into the sand.
Her hand reaches out and grabs mine. "Sweetie, its okay. It happens."
"It shouldn't have happened to me," I say with tears coming out, completely ashamed. I look back up and her free hand wipes at the tears. "I'm sorry I disappointed you."
She pulls me into another hug and rubs my back with one of her hands, not saying anything. After a few minutes, she finally speaks in her soft motherly tone, that tone that is comforting, no one could replace. "Honey, you're young and confused. We all know that. Those boys are both crazy about you. I know you said Pierce was going for a job thing, and I don't know what’s going on with the two of you, but I saw Avery's face. I saw the pride radiating off him when you said you were pregnant. I saw the looks he has been giving you since the two of you showed up. Plus, he showed up- which is huge. He c
ame here with you, he is sticking by you. I'm not telling you what to do, but I want you to know, that boy has loved you since you were little. If only I could remember half the things you two did together growing up. I think he was born to love you."
Mom pulls back from me and cups my cheeks in her hands, wiping the flowing tears away with the pads of her thumbs. "I will never tell you who to pick, or why. I can't imagine how much more confused you are. But I'm not disappointed in you, and never could be. At least you know who could be there father. You're not going to the bars and bringing home random guys every weekend. You're in school, you're going to get a great career, you're loved and you know how to love. You don't excessively drink, you're not into drugs, and you have a head on your shoulders. You may be confused but who wouldn't be. They're both wonderful in their own ways."
I look around, a little embarrassed to be having my mom say these kinds of things in front of Avery and Jerry, but when I look, they're gone. They must have went back inside. I look to my mom again, and am not really sure what to say, because she certainly makes me sound like a better person than I am. I guess that is what mothers are supposed to do though. "You're a good mom, and I hope you know how much I love and respect you."
"You're a perfect daughter and I'm proud of you, even if I don't tell you that enough. I can't wait for you to know the feeling of being a mother. It’s the most blissful, unexplainable, yet terrifying feeling in the world. I know though, you're going to make a terrific mom, Cassandra."
"Thanks to you." I rest my head on her shoulder and we remain this way for a few moments. I am so glad she is this accepting of me. I'm blessed in more ways than I realized I was. She is right that I could be in a much worse situation, I could be a bad person, I could be into drugs and other things. I may be dumb in the name of love, but I'm smart when it comes to other things in my life. Those are the lessons I can teach my child as they grow.
She wipes under her eyes and smiles at me. "Let's go get lunch made."
We make it back into the house just to see the guys had made us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with some fresh fruit piled on the side of the plate. Hey, its the thought that counts.
After Avery and I get back into my car, I tell him how my dad and his mom wanted us both there for dinner tonight. He grabs ahold of my hand and says with pride he'll come with me, and he'll stick by my side if I need him to while I tell my father as well. I am more grateful for Avery right now then I think I've ever been. He doesn't let go of my hand, and I'm okay with that, all the way back to my apartment.
Just as I'm getting out of my car, with the world's greatest smile on my face, it disappears in an instant when I see Pierce leaning against his pickup with crossed arms and a solemn expression on his face. He wasn't supposed to be home until tomorrow. Just freaking wonderful.
I hate myself. I fucking hate myself. God dammit all to fucking hell.
After I left Miah's place, I walked back to the hotel. Thankfully it wasn't more than three blocks. I checked my phone once I charged it, just to see nothing from Cassie. Of course not, what did I expect? I was going to call her but then again, after what I just did, I couldn't.
Me. I know I'm an asshole. Everyone knows I'm an asshole. But this is me. I do not cheat. I hate cheating! I may have been on the tail end of the spectrum before, but I've never actually cheated. I'm an idiot. And I can't lie. I can't look Cassie in the eyes and pretend nothing happened. I have to tell her.
Even after getting a night's rest, I wake up feeling like shit. After a shower and getting dressed, I pack up my stuff and check out of the hotel. A driver from the company is waiting for me, and brings me to the building. Miah is in the office with her boss, and we finish up the paperwork in the most awkward of situations. She is coming back down in two days to get some work done on my end, that I don't have as much control over, and knowing that almost makes this even more awkward.
I shake both their hands regardless, as well as my brother who shows up late, then we leave together to head home. On the ride back, Miah texts me and tells me she hopes we can keep this relationship strictly professional and asks if we can look past last night. Since they're mirroring my thoughts, I text her back and tell her yes, of course we can.
The first thing I do when I get back to my places is toss my bags into the apartment, then I hop into my pickup truck and drive to Cassie's. Its just after noon, so I'm hoping she is home. When I don't see her car there, I drive by Aubrey's and don't see her vehicle there either. I decide to just drive back to Cassie's and wait around for her. I don't care how long I have to wait, we need to have this conversation now. The guilt is eating at me.
God, I love Cassie, I love her so fucking much it hurts to think about. Its just not us. We're not meant to be together, and I understand that. Just thinking about not being with her though, its leaving a hole inside my chest I almost can't handle. Its the strangest feeling. I didn't even feel like this when Georgina and I split, and we were together for six years.
I knew, I fucking knew, the second Avery came back things would change. I just wasn't expecting... this. And although its not because he came back, it was just the timing of everything that fucked things up, I just didn't prepare myself to feel this disconnection from Cassie. Its as if I already know that the child isn't mine and that we will never be together again. That we're done for.
I think I can accept it, in time, but right now it hurts. I almost debate with myself that Cassie and I can work out, that we can be together forever, that all this is worth it. Then I remember all the back and forth over the last year and a half, I remember the cheating, the lying, the secrets. I remember her pregnancy being about the three of us, and not the two of us. I think about what just happened last night between Miah and me. The fact she has been alone with Avery, doing God knows what.
All of that allows me to know for certain, that sometimes I have to love myself more. I have to respect myself. I need to let her go.
God it hurts.
Its really not nearly as long as I'm expecting when I see Cassie pull into the parking lot. She doesn't see me, I can tell, and although I'm here to discuss the serious matters and to quite possibly let her go for good, it still hurts seeing her smiling and laughing with Avery. They both climb out of the car and Avery sees me, smirks a little but doesn't say anything, and walks towards his bike. Smart move, that much is for sure. He may be up to date on his fighting, but I'd fucking ruin him right now if he opened his mouth.
As he starts the bike and leaves, Cassie makes her way towards me, slowly and cautiously. She tries to smile, I see it, but she fails at it. I open my arms to her, even after my decision, and she welcomes the embrace. We both stand here several minutes, holding one another. When she backs away from me, she is finally able to smile softly. "What to come inside? I think we have a lot to talk about."
"Yeah, I think that is a great idea, actually."
I feel like a fucking pussy right now with the feelings I have inside of me. I'm a grown ass man that practically runs my own company, and I'm nervous about breaking up with my girlfriend. Well, it could have to do with the fact I already know there will be a lot of crying, possibly some yelling, the fact I love her, and of course the fact she is pregnant. I'm losing her, quite possibly for life, and it fucking hurts.
We get into her apartment and she grabs us both a soda while I sit on one of the bar stools. She slides my soda in front of me before taking her seat. "How did everything go in Seattle?" she asks me innocently enough.
I'm not sure I should allow her into the small talk, but if that means an extra few minutes with Cassie, I'll take it. "Good. Crossed the t's, dotted the i's and all that. It'll be a long process, but its started and things are already looking good." You know, except the fact I'll be working with Miah and I fucked shit up with her already.
"That is awesome Pierce. I'm so proud of you. I really hope you know just how proud of you I am."
Her hand comes out and holds onto mine and I let h
er. I smile at her beautiful face and see her adoring me. I adore her too. We had something unexplainable that I'll never be able to get with anyone again, but I know damn well I'm doing the right thing. "Thank you. I'm sorry I hung up on you the other night."
"I wasn't hurt you hung up so much that you never called me back. But I don't blame you."
"I fucked up Cassie. A lot."
She shrugs her shoulders. "We both have."
"No Cass, I really fucked up." I pull my hand from herd and play with my soda can, keeping my hands busy so I don't just pick her up and fuck her against the damn wall. "I, uh... I cheated on you Cassie."
As much as I want to look away, I don't. The look on her face, the one that says how disappointed in me she is, that look will be engraved into the back of my mind forever. "I'm so sorry," I whisper and grab for her hand once again but she doesn't let me know hold it.
"I deserve that," she finally says. I start to argue but she shakes her head. "No, Pierce, I really do. I know I've messed things up before, but the feeling I have right now, I can't believe I've made you, Avery and Carson all feel like this one time or another. It hurts, Pierce." Her voice breaks and I pull her into me, not letting her fight away from me. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't apologize."
"I have to. I've hurt you all so much. I'm so selfish."
I rub my hand up and down her back and let her cry, and its good her face is buried into my chest because then she'd be able to see the tears drop from my face as well. We both hold onto one another like this for several minutes. In fact, its probably close to ten minutes when she moves her head to look up to my face. I look down to hers as well, and move some of her hair that stuck to her lip, tucking it behind her ear.
"If this baby is mine, Cassie, please know I'll be an amazing father. I couldn't think of a better gift. A child that is part mine and part yours. I'll always have a piece of you, as you will me. I'll be there for everything I can be. I want to be involved. But if this child isn't mine." I rest my hand on her stomach and look her in the eyes. "If it isn't mine, Cassie, I think its best we say goodbye to each other."