by Lisa Edward
Cole gripped my hand as tears streamed down my face, and I tried to steady my breathing so that the doctor could do her job and examine me properly. Feeling Cole’s lips repeatedly kiss my hand, I tore my eyes away from the screen to look at his face. His eyes, red and puffy from crying, were fixed firmly on the image before us as Dr Vincent searched for any sign that Sprout was in danger.
“It’ll be okay,” I croaked, squeezing Cole’s hand.
His eyes shifted to me, his breath hitched in his throat and then a flood of tears streamed over his lashes. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry,” he sobbed.
“Shh, just give me a minute,” Dr Vincent said, her head cocked to one side as she listened intently.
We both held our breaths trying not to make a sound.
Finally, we heard the heartbeat. It was weak and slower than last time. But it was there.
Cole slumped beside me, his head resting on my shoulder. I ran my fingers through his hair as tears of relief washed over me.
“The baby is fine,” Dr Vincent said. “The heartbeat is a little weaker than I would like and we will need to close your cervix. But with plenty of rest everything should be all right.”
After spending a harrowing two nights in the hospital, my own bed had never looked so inviting. Cole doted on me, but I drew the line at having him carry me from the car to the apartment.
Dr Vincent had worked her miracle and Sprout was safely in place, but that didn’t stop Cole from apologising for the one-hundredth time as he pulled back the quilt for me to climb into bed. He blamed himself, and his way of dealing with it was to beat himself up constantly. Never mind that it was my body that had failed to hold Sprout in place without intervention; in Cole’s mind, it was his desire for sex that had almost cost us our baby.
“Can I get you anything?” he asked, his face sullen.
“Yep, I’d like a hug please.”
“You know we can’t, babe. We have to be super careful, even with the stitch in place.”
I sighed. “No, we can’t have sex, there was no mention of not being allowed to hug.” I held my arms out to him. “Please.”
We hugged, but it was half-hearted and when I tried to pull Cole closer, he moved away.
“I’ll get you something to eat, then you need to rest.”
So this was going to be my life for the next sixteen weeks, or maybe a little less. Dr Vincent had said that she could monitor Sprout’s growth and if he was big enough, she could induce me a few weeks early. So thirteen weeks, I could manage that. Lots of bed rest, a little bit of singing maybe, if eagle-eyed Cole would let me out of bed, and no physical contact whatsoever with the love of my life, because he was riddled with guilt.
Awesome.
Placing my hand over my increasing bump, I gave it a gentle press. Sprout moved, pushing back against my hand.
“Hey, little fella. Looks like we’re going to be laying down quite a bit for the next couple of months.”
He moved again, making my stomach flutter.
“I’ll get some books. I can read to you, and maybe sing to you. Your dad is an amazing singer, and he plays guitar. I bet you’d love to hear a few songs.”
I looked up at the door. Cole was standing there, holding a tray with my lunch on it, listening to me talking to my stomach.
I smiled. “He’s really active at the moment. We’re just working out what to do to fill our time over the next little while.”
Cole put the tray down and rested his head against my stomach. “Hi, Sprout, this is your dad.”
I ran my hand through his hair. He loved this little baby so much. I don’t know what he would have done if we’d lost him.
“I’m going to let your mum eat and rest for a while, and then I’ll bring the guitar in and play you a few songs.” He looked at me, eyebrows raised.
“Sounds like a plan.”
“You’ve got mail,” Cole announced, handing me a handwritten envelope.
“Thanks, ah, it’s from Riley.” I watched his face for any sign of jealousy or anger, but he just nodded. “I wrote to him about Patrick, and to tell him about Sprout.”
“So he knows?” He sounded surprised.
“Yes. I figured he’d hear from Kell or Jay eventually, so thought it best to tell him myself.” Turning the letter over in my hand, I decided to read it later, and placed it on the bedside table.
“Well, good.” He leaned over, kissing me on the forehead. “The sooner he knows, the sooner he can fuck off …”
I frowned disapprovingly at him.
“I mean, he can go away, and find someone else to fantasise about.” He sat on the edge of the bed, resting one hand on the other side of my body so he was leaning over me. “He needs to get over you, because we’re together now, Tara. You’re mine. Sprout’s mine.” The look of sheer determination on his face made me think he almost believed it. “And there is no room in our life for another person.” He held my hand, fiddling with my engagement ring.
“He’s not in our life, babe. He’s a friend, just like Jason, Jay, and Marcus are my friends. Nothing can come between you and me.”
“And little Sprout,” Cole added, patting my tummy.
Cole lay down beside me, gently wrapping an arm over my chest. It was the closest he was willing to get to me, and every time I tried to snuggle in tighter, he’d make an excuse and either pull away, or get up and leave the room. It frustrated and upset me that he was still punishing himself for nearly losing Sprout, but he wouldn’t discuss it.
Night after night, I would wake to find the bed empty beside me, with Cole sitting by the window gazing down at the ocean, deep in thought. He would never talk to me though, and it made me anxious. I wanted to know what he was thinking. I needed him to understand that none of this was his fault, but as the days ticked by and I had more and more time to think, I started worrying that he was doing the maths over and over in his head, determining when I’d actually fallen pregnant.
Nicole had asked me if I wanted to know for sure who the father was, and I’d said no. Sprout had to be Cole’s baby, because the alternative would destroy the family unit we had spent so long building. But the truth was, I did want to know. I wanted solid proof that he was Cole’s so it would ease everyone’s mind.
Problem was, what if he was Riley’s?
There was only one solution I could think of, but it was sneaky and underhanded. Cole’s DNA was on record now, so I would get Sprout’s DNA checked once he was born to determine who the father was.
“I’m coming to Songbirds tonight,” I decided, checking the clock to see how long I had to get organised.
Cole lifted his weary head from my shoulder. “Are you sure, babe? Doc said you had to rest.”
“She said rest for a few days. It’s been more than a week, and I’m going stir crazy just laying here.”
I needed to run my idea past someone for a sanity check, and as Nicole was the only one who knew the paternity was in question, it had to be her.
“Did you want to play tonight, or are you coming to check up on the fill-in?” he asked, grinning.
Laughing, I pulled back the covers and gently sat on the edge of the bed. “I hear the fill-in’s pretty good. Thought I’d check him out.”
It felt so good to be out of the apartment. Being a Tuesday, the bar was crowded, but not to full capacity. Nicole and Marcus greeted me with careful hugs and Nicole ushered me to a table. Taking a look around, I noticed the usual Tuesday patronage had changed. There seemed to be more tables with just girls and less couples.
“How’s everything going?” she asked, biting her lip. “Are you and bubs okay?”
I smiled. “It was touch and go, but we’re both good.” I looked over at Cole as he was setting up his music by the piano. “Wish I could say the same for Cole. I think he blames himself for what happened. He won’t come near me.”
“Well, just as long as you’re still going near him. You have to keep him happy.” She grinned cheekily.
“That’s the problem. He won’t let me touch him either.” The more I thought about it, the more upset it made me. We still had a couple of months before Sprout was due, and I could feel the distance growing between us.
“Seriously? Cole doesn’t want any type of sex?” She looked at me as if I must have been joking.
“Not from me.” Bile suddenly rose in my throat. “He’s not interested in me.” I looked down at my huge stomach and puffy ankles as the realisation hit me. “He’s not interested in me,” I repeated softly. Tears stung my eyes, and I quickly tried to blink them away. “He’s not worried about Sprout, he just doesn’t want me touching him anymore.”
“Oh, Tars, that’s just your hormones talking. I’m sure that’s not …” Nicole’s focus strayed, stopping her mid-sentence.
Following her line of vision, I looked towards Cole. Two girls were standing by the piano smiling flirtatiously at him, while he grinned back up at them, laughing at some secret joke they were sharing.
So that was it; his fat, moody girlfriend or the pretty young girls who always gravitated towards him. Of course he would look at me and turn his nose up.
“You need to do something to get back on track,” Nicole said matter-of-factly.
I smiled sadly. “Yep, I’ll put on my best maternity E-cup bra and nana knickers, that’ll get him going.” I shook my head. “I’m going home.”
The letter from Riley was still on the bedside table. Resisting the urge to read it straight away, I got changed and ready for sleep. Lying back on the pillow, I reached for the envelope, hoping that Riley would have some good news.
Hi Fox,
I guess congratulations are in order that you worked everything out with Cole.
The big news for me though, is you’re having a baby, and I have to ask, is it mine? I’ve done the maths—twenty-one weeks at the time you wrote the letter puts you here with me. So I want to know, am I the baby’s dad? Because if I am, I’ll come home as soon as I can. Babe, you have no idea how happy I would be if you said yes. My God, to have a family with you—it’s what I’ve always wanted. Please keep me up to date. I want to be there for you and the baby, and I’ll look into scheduling some leave when the baby is due at the beginning of December.
As for Patrick, I’ve told everyone I can think of who can do anything about it. I hope they act on it and catch up with him, before he tries anything again. He must be desperate to still be in Melbourne, I was sure he would have gone back to Perth, or even overseas somewhere.
I really don’t know what to say. I keep thinking that in a couple of months I could be a dad, and it blows my mind. I know you’ll tell me that Cole is the father, but how can you be sure? We were together at that critical time, and you had been sick, which means your pill may not have been effective, so it’s possible. I’m going to hang onto that possibility until you tell me otherwise.
I’d better go. We’re heading out in the morning with a lead on Tech. Please give my best to everyone, and give Noah a hug from Uncle Irish.
Take care of yourself, Tara. I’ll be thinking of you.
Love always,
Your Irish xx
Oh, crap!
Of course he would work it out and want to know. Hell, I’d like to know too. I knew I would need to reply to Riley, but to be truthful, I didn’t know what to say. He was right; I had been sick with food poisoning so my pill wouldn’t have worked, it’s exactly what the doctor had said when she told me the results of the pregnancy test.
I slid between the sheets, but there was no way I was getting any sleep. Resting my hand on my tummy, I felt my throat close as a sob escaped me. What am I going to do? Rolling onto my side, I curled into a ball as the endless flood of tears soaked my pillow. For the sake of one night with Riley where we had both needed to feel the comfort of each other’s arms, my life with Cole could be over. I couldn’t lose him, not after everything we’d been through to get to this point.
“I’m sorry, Cole,” I sobbed into the darkness. “I’m so sorry.”
I needed to get myself under control. Taking deep breath after deep breath, I finally stopped crying and convinced myself everything would work out fine. After tossing and turning for nearly an hour, I got up and headed to the dining room to my beloved piano.
COLE CAME home right on time, and I breathed a sigh of relief. He quietly climbed into bed beside me, gently pulling the covers over.
I pretended to be asleep. After coming to the realisation that the reason he was staying away from me was me, I didn’t want to deal with the heartbreak of rejection. Just one night of not having excuses made, where I could tell myself he wasn’t nuzzling my hair because he thought I was asleep, and didn’t want to wake me.
But he did.
As I lay there, trying to stay still and calm my breathing, I felt him edge over. His hot breath fanned my shoulder as he inhaled deeply, then slowly exhaled, scorching my skin again. Soft lips brushed my skin and he sighed.
“I miss you,” he whispered into the darkness.
My eyes opened, but I didn’t move a muscle.
He inhaled deeply again, his face in my hair. “You always smell so good.” He edged forward a little more, and I felt him brush up against my back. “God I miss you.”
A stray tear ran from my eye onto the pillow and it took all my strength not to reach my hand behind me until it found Cole’s thigh.
He stayed for a while longer, breathing me in. His hot breath on my neck and shoulder igniting a longing for him in me, and then silently, he slid out from between the covers and tip-toed into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. The faucets were turned on and I waited, wondering why he’d suddenly decided to shower.
After a few seconds I stripped off and followed him in. I needed him to tell me how much he missed me, not when he thought I was asleep, but face to face. But he didn’t need to say anything; his actions said it all. With his back to me, one hand against the tiled wall, his other hand was pumping furiously.
Slowly, I entered the shower, the water burning hot as the spray hit me. I didn’t want to startle him, but I didn’t want him to make excuses either. As I reached where he was standing, I ran my hands down his back, around his sides, until they slipped over his.
“Let me,” I said softly, my lips brushing against the wings on his back.
His breath caught in his throat as he tried to pull away, but I wouldn’t let him.
“Please, baby. Let me do this for you.”
Slowly, he turned until he was facing me, the look of surrender tearing at my heart.
“I’m sorry, Tara. I tried.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, suddenly concerned.
“I thought if you couldn’t have sex, then I wouldn’t either, but I miss you so much.” He threw his hands to the side in defeat. “So this is what I’ve resorted to—jerking off in the shower.”
“I thought you didn’t want me anymore,” I told him sadly.
His hands ran through my wet hair, holding the sides of my head. “I want you every minute of every day.” His forehead touched mine. “But I’m so scared that if we start something, I won’t stop, that I’ll take it too far.”
Angling my head up, I kissed the side of Cole’s mouth. “You should come to me. My hands aren’t broken.” I kissed him more deeply. “My mouth still works.”
A small smile tipped the corner of his mouth as his eyes scanned my face. “I feel selfish.”
“It’s not selfish.” I kissed him again, this time parting my lips and biting gently on his lower one. I pulled away slightly and his head followed, catching my mouth with his and holding my head in place with his hand.
I could feel him growing again in my hand as he kissed me hungrily. His hand ran up my side to my breast, squeezing the fullness.
“Nothing below the waist, right?” His lips brushed against mine as he spoke.
“Right,” I breathed into his mouth.
“I’ll try.”
My hand slowly, purposefully, stroked him as he kissed me again.
“Use soap,” he murmured between kisses, and it took me a second to realise what he meant.
Soaping my hand, I went back to touching him, my fist sliding more easily with the makeshift lubricant. He moaned as my action got into rhythm, his hips moving in time as one hand ran down my back, coming to rest on my hip.
I pulled away from his needy mouth and went to lower myself to my knees, but he stopped me.
“I want your mouth up here,” he said, running his thumb along my bottom lip, “attached to mine.”
It had been so long since we’d kissed like this. Too long since we’d touched, and I ran one hand over Cole’s chest and down his tattooed arm while my other hand maintained the pace. I could tell he was getting close, Cole’s tell-tale moans coming thick and fast. I kissed him again, harder this time, and he returned the kiss just as hard.
His lips stopped mid-kiss as he exhaled sharply. Resting his head on my shoulder, I felt him pulsate in my hand as he pulled me tightly to him, our bodies coming together under the scorching water.
“Better?” I asked with a smirk after a moment.
“Babe, you have no idea.”
Holding me close to his chest, I felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders.
“Please don’t push me away again,” I mumbled into his smooth chest. “I need to feel like you still want me.”
He kissed my hair. “I’ll never want anyone else.”
“Oh my God, look at you!” Kelli exclaimed, laughing as I waddled into Songbirds. “You look ready to drop.”
“Oh, please, let that be true,” I groaned. “I am so over this.”
Kelli gave me a big belly laugh. “The last couple of weeks are the worst, aren’t they? You’re exhausted, and you can’t see your feet anymore.”
I chuckled as I lowered myself carefully into a chair. “I haven’t seen my feet in about two months. For all I know, I’m wearing shoes that don’t even match.”
“Well, seeing as you are so close, I think we’d better organise a baby shower.” Kelli was in planning mode before I had a chance to object. “So, I’ve spoken to everyone here and we’ve freed ourselves up for brunch this Sunday.” She looked at me with raised eyebrows. “Okay?”