by Ashley Beale
ForgiveMe
A novel by Ashley Beale
Forgive Me © Ashley Beale, 2014.
This publication is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws, and all rights are reserved, including resale rights. You are not permitted to give or sell this book to anyone else. Any trademarks, product names, service marks, or named features are assumed to be the property of their respective owners, and are used only for reference. All rights are reserved.
This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, any place, events or occurrences, is purely coincidental. The characters and story lines are created from the author's imagination or are used fictitiously.
Published by: Ashley Beale
Edited by: Amanda King
Beta Reader: Felicia Ward
Cover image © 2014 – depositphotos.com
ISBN-13: 978-1494744038
ISBN-10: 1494744031
Forgive Me is dedicated to my amazingly wonderful and supportive street team.
Honestly, I don’t even like calling it a street team- it has become so much more!
Kia Sanders, Amanda King, Patricia Jenkins, Stephanie Christensen, Jennifer Marr,
Chelsea Dowe, Sandi Laubhan, Diane Dininno, Amber Phillips, Nicole Huffman,
Julie Kitzmiller, Jen Joe, Amy Stephens, Becky Manis, Christina Concus, Felicia Ward.
You all are amazing. You’ve become my friends & my family wrapped into one! Its been great talking to you all and getting to know you- and I hope that one day I get to meet each and every one of you!
Thank you for getting my name and my books out there. Thank you for your encouragement, your support, your love, your kind words… thank you for being there for me in general.
I owe you so much and more! But I’ll start here.
The one thing that can cut you deeper than a blade,
Is the same thing that can save you.
Love.
-Ashley M. Beale
I can still remember the first time I fell in love. I was thirteen years old.
Young you say? Probably. It was real just the same.
Zander Fields and I went to school together our whole lives. What made me fall in love with him at thirteen? Well, it was nearly impossible not to.
We lived on the same road, his family on one end, my family on the other.
My family consists of two brothers and two sisters. I had a mom who was so stressed she was constantly drugged on muscle relaxers and anti-depressants. My father worked two jobs and was never around. My brothers were older and frequently getting in trouble, both my sisters were younger and way too babied. Me, well, I was the middle child that didn't get much attention.
Most mornings I went to school without food. I hadn't bathed in days, and had to wear the same clothes twice before they became washed. My mom wasn't a horrible mom, she just didn't have time for me. My father obviously didn't have time for any of us, he hardly had time for himself. My mom’s energy was mostly used on my younger siblings, and my older siblings cared more about themselves or females.
So here I was, taking care of myself. I didn't complain. In fact, I hardly talked.
I was in eighth grade, which meant I finally got the back of the bus. I liked that fact for different reasons than other students. They liked the back seat because they could be sneaky and do things the bus driver would cringe over. I liked it because it meant there were less people around me. I didn't have to communicate with anyone.
My only friend I pretty much ever had was my next door neighbor, Bray. She was a grade ahead of me, so that was the year I was left completely alone.
The back seat opposite to mine was Zander's.
The third day of school that year he handed me a granola bar. He didn't say anything, just smiled at me as he handed it off. I silently thanked him and devoured the bar. Every day after that, something was handed to me. I never went to school starving again.
We didn't talk much, but each morning I felt feelings for him I had never felt before. It was strange, but I ignored them. There was no use in over thinking things that would never happen.
Then it happened.
He asked me out on a date. It was half way through the school year, a little after New Years. I wasn't sure why, but instead of questioning things, I simply said yes. His mom picked me up at my home that night. Zander and I sat in the backseat the whole way to the theaters, and his mom watched a different film than the two of us. While in the theater, he put his arm around my shoulders. I felt things in my stomach I never knew I could feel. And I liked it. A lot.
When I looked over at Zander, he laid his lips on mine. He stole my heart with that kiss. But still, I wasn't in love... yet.
We became boyfriend and girlfriend that night. I never told my family, because, well, they wouldn't care either way. They hadn't even noticed I had left that evening, they thought I was in my room doing homework. I liked it. I liked them not noticing.
After that night, I was gone a lot. I spent a lot of time with Zander at his house since it wasn't more than a mile to get there. We spent a lot of time in his tree house, or playing Nintendo, or riding our bikes.
By the time summer came around, I knew I was in love. I knew no one could replace that feeling I had. When I wasn't with Zander, I was thinking about him. When I was with him, I was day dreaming about the next time I got to see him again. I was actually excited about waking up in the mornings, just because I knew I'd see him later. We still hadn't said it to one another, but I knew. And I knew how he felt. We just were perfect together.
During the summer, things really started to grow between us. Feelings and curiosity got the best of us. We explored one another in every way possible without making that step. I was scared to take that step, even with Zander. To have my innocence completely taken away.
I was at home one night, a night I was to stay home and watch my younger siblings, Rease and Torin. It was a week before high school started. I had been asking Bray about sex, since I knew absolutely nothing about it. She swore to me that it was the best thing in the world, I'd be begging for more, and that if I truly loved Zander, I'd take that step with him. Since she was the only person I had in my life to ask those questions to, I trusted her advice. So that night when I was home with my younger sisters, I put them to bed and Zander made his way over.
We hadn't planned it together, and there was never any pressure. He was sweet to me. Sweeter to me than any person has ever been in my life. I knew I loved him, there was no doubt. There still isn't to this day. Regardless to if we planned it or not together or not, I planned it.
I wanted romance. I read a lot. I had it envisioned for years, ever since I first dipped into my mom's romance novels. I lit candles around my bedroom, spritzed floral scented spray around my room, even got fake rose petals and placed them on my bed. Corny, I know! But I was fourteen at that time, and it was all I knew.
When Zander came over, we started watching a movie in the living room, which led us to making out. I told him I had a surprise. He followed me up the stairs and into my bedroom. He was indeed surprised, but happy to make my wishes come true. He must have asked me thirty times if I was sure, and I reassured him the best I could each and every time that I was.
So we took that step together. It was both our first times.
He was sweet, romantic, and went easy on me. It still hurt like hell. I couldn't believe Bray ever wanted to do this a second time. After we finished making sweet, passionate love, the two of us laid together in bed and ended up falling asleep together. My father woke us the next morning.
My father.
We were naked.
It was horrifying!
Let's just say,
I was grounded from Zander. We weren't allowed to be boyfriend and girlfriend, we weren't allowed to communicate, nothing. Of course, once school started back up we still held hands, kissed, and wrote each other notes. But that was it. It wrecked something beautiful. My parents didn't believe me that I was in love, and my mom took on a new prescription of anxiety pills, claiming she couldn't handle me.
My brothers were both screwing whoever they wanted. But since I was a female, my daddy's little girl, it was uncalled for. Whatever.
Three months later, when my period still hadn't come and my stomach started to harden as well as my breasts, I knew I forgot to plan one simple thing that night. I didn't tell anyone, way too afraid of what may happen.
Then the day came that my mom walked in on me tossing everything into the toilet. I only had on a sports bra and a pair of shorts, since I was getting into the shower when the vomit had risen. She knew, there was no covering it up. I wasn't allowed to go to school that day, I wasn't allowed to call anyone. I was to pack up everything I could, get in the car, and was driven to the airport. That is where I was put on a plane and sent to my grandmothers.
It's where I've lived ever since.
And I never spoke to Zander again.
My mom told everyone that my grandmother was ill and that I was to take care of her, and I was told that if I wanted a place to live and money to be handed to me, then I was to go along with that story. And I did. I was too afraid not to.
That was almost ten years ago.
Currently, we're on our very first flight back to that dreadful place. And I'm terrified.
Why did it take me so long to go back home, you ask? Well, I hate my parents.
My mom has never even asked what I named my son, and my father hasn't spoken two words to me since I left. My two younger sisters are still spoiled rotten. One is a senior in high school, the other her first year in college- both with brand new cars, bank accounts, and the best of the best of everything else. My brothers are both married and have full time jobs. At least I communicate with the two of them in email, but that is about it.
My mom though, she is sick. Very sick. Less than a month to live, according to my grandmother. And although I shouldn't care, I do. I have a heart. Always have, always will. I'll never understand her sending me away the way she did, I'll never understand her not wanting to be part of her grandson's life, but she is my mom. So I'm heading home to pay her my last dues. I'll stay until the funeral. I've worked it out with my job to get the time off, and since it's summer, I don't have to worry about my son missing any school.
I could have used her help during my pregnancy and the first few years of raising my child. Heck, I was still a child myself. My grandmother did the best she could, but she worked full time and had a life. She got me through the basics and helped me with transportation until I could drive. I've done it all myself, and it hasn't been easy. Which probably explains why I'm nick named Satin at work. But I get things done, don't take crap from anyone, and am looking to become a partner at the office.
To prove my inability of being a mother at such a young age, here are a few facts you should know. I named my son Justin because of my obsession with N*Sync. He didn't get his first hair cut until right before his second birthday, because I couldn't afford a visit to the salon and was terrified of using clippers on him. He was potty trained by sixteen months because I couldn't afford diapers- which isn't always a bad thing. Except, he had horrid diaper rashes from sitting in them so long. His first doctor’s visit was at two weeks, his second was at his first birthday, missing five appointments in between.
Yeah, it was rough. More for him than me.
But I lived and learned and grew up. I've become one hell of a mom. He gets everything he needs, a lot that he wants, he is in all sports possible, passes every class in school, and hardly ever misses a day. He is healthy as a horse, happy as can be, has a great group of friends, and I'm someone he can come to about anything.
So although things were rough, and I had to pay for the mistake I made, I wouldn't change things. I love my son more than life itself, I love him more than anyone or anything.
He has asked about his dad. I told him the truth. I don't lie to my son. The biggest lies he ever heard from me were things about Santa and the Tooth fairy, or those other silly white lies, like a kiss will heal most bumps and bruises. He had wanted to meet his dad when he was younger, but he has grown accustomed to it being the two of us. Well, and Nan.
Nan is what we both call my grandmother. She has been a lifesaver with a lot, and we both use her as someone to lean on. She took us in when she didn't have any reason to do so, and for that, I'll always be grateful.
I was terrified to tell Zander, and as each year passes by, the more terrified I've become. I don't even use social networks, nervous he'll find me and find out about the truth. I don't want him to hate me more than he probably already does.
More than I hate myself.
I'm thankful Justin understands, and doesn't hound me to meet his father. Or hasn't I should say. Because now that we are on our way back to Arlington, Texas, he has asked me a million and five times if he can please finally meet his father.
And I finally said yes.
The plane lands and of course we're not greeted with anyone from my so-called family. No surprise there.
I flag down a cab outside the airport and together we make the trip to the home I spent the first half of my life. A place I could go the rest of my life never entering, yet here I am, on my way there now.
Arriving outside the two story brick home, with a white picket fence, I'm immediately filled with hatred. For many reasons. One being the fact this place looks like a family home, but we were no family at all. The fact there are five cars in the driveway but no one could come pick me up. Another being, I'm already sick of being back in Texas, it's too hot. I'm used to Ohio now. Those are just a few things.
I glance over to where Bray used to live. No cars are in the driveway. I'd like to see her again, see how she has been, what she has been up to. Knowing her and the way she was, she is probably married to some rich oil tycoon with two kids, a dog, and servants at her beck and call. She seemed the type.
With a huff and a puff, I drag my feet along, Justin in tow. Our bags and belongings piled in our arms or over our shoulders. I arrive at the door and use my foot to knock, since I'm unable to use my hands currently. The door opens to a man that looks like a much older version of my dad.
Instead of a greeting, he pulls a bag out of my arms, opens the door wider, and gestures for us to enter. He looks down at Justin and gives him a tight smile, nothing more.
I walk directly into the kitchen where both my brothers, a sister-in-law I've never met, and my sister, Torin, all are. I smile and place my bags down.
Clay, my oldest brother comes over and wraps me in his arms. "You look like such a lady! It's good to see you again!" He squeezes me tight and actually makes me feel welcomed. It's a wonderful feeling.
Next is Gunner to hug me. "Good seeing you baby sis, it's been too long." And my heart swells just a bit more.
Torin doesn't even look up from her cell phone, so I say, "hey Tor." She looks up and smiles before continuing typing away. No hello, nothing.
My sister-in-law, who I assume is Faith, smiles at me. When she talks, it's with the cutest southern accent. I guess I need to get used to everyone’s accents again, mine has nearly disappeared. "Hi, it's nice to finally put a face to the name and emails." She looks down at Justin, who is nearly my height now. "And who might you be?" She glances back at me with a questioning look.
It surprises me she doesn't know.
"Hi, I'm Justin" he says with a giant grin. He is a bit shy and very anxious.
My dad finally walks in and stares at my son like he is an alien. Everyone goes quiet. I'm not sure who this situation makes feel the most awkward, but the tension is so thick in this room, you could probably taste it. He turns and leaves without another word. I l
ook at Clay and shrug. "Guess I'll be spending my time here in a hotel."
"Don't be ridiculous, we have guest rooms," he claims. I smile.
Gunner clears his throat and I realize everyone is glancing at Justin. I don't understand why everyone feels so awkward about him, but I go ahead and introduce him, hoping it'll somehow ease the unnecessary tension. "Hey everyone, this is my son Justin." I put my arms around his shoulders. "Justin, this is your Uncle Gunner, Uncle Clay, Aunt Torin, and Aunt... Faith?"
She simply nods her head.
The silence is deafening. Everyone just thinks of what to say. It's Clay who breaks the ice when he walks over and wraps Justin in a tight hug. "Nice to meet you Justin."
Faith is next, then Gunner. Torin looks at him and smirks before looking back down. Yup, still the selfish brat.
We all chat a little, sans Torin, and my brothers ask Justin all about school. What sports he plays, how he likes school, if he has a girlfriend, and so on. The basics. The things that an uncle should know. I'm asked about work and Nan, and I ask about their jobs and lives. It's basic but it's nice. I'm happy. It's more than I could have expected.
Dinner time gets closer and Clay asks if we want to head to their house. I agree.
I don't bother saying bye to my dad.
Clay and Faith's home is very nice. It's a ranch home with a small barn in the back, a fence covering most of their land. A few horses are roaming the fields, looking gorgeous in the setting sun. I nearly itch myself, having horseback riding withdrawals. It's been so long.
Faith is kind enough to show Justin and I the spare rooms. I'm surprised the two of them don't have any kids, their house looks ready to have a few growing children running around. I take the room on the right of the hall, Justin on the left. I have a futon to sleep on, where he has a full bed, dresser, and television. I have a computer, that is all. But its all I need.
During dinner, Faith asks Justin a few more questions, pretty basic. I like her, she is sweet. She has changed my brother from a raging man-whore, to a well respective man. It's a nice change, one that I enjoy. It already seems like we can be siblings finally, and I like that, a lot.