by Ashley Beale
I walk back towards the same trash can, toss them in, and turn back around. Zander is still standing next to his truck but he isn't watching me. He is running his hand through his hair, his hat placed in his other hand. I don't know which Zander I like better, the normal one or the cowboy one.
As he slides back on his hat, he looks up to the sky, avoiding me. I'm not sure if I should walk towards him or walk back to the honkey tonk. I don't want Faith or Magnolia worried about me, but I'm not ready to leave his side yet. I would like to pretend for just a few more minutes that everything is fine, that everything isn't going to blow up in this upcoming week.
I opt for walking towards Zander. He hears me approaching and his attention is back on, a smile on his face. "Feeling better?" he asks.
I almost forgot I had thrown up. "Yeah," I tell him.
His smile grows a little more. "Good. You wanna head back in?" His eyes look in the direction to where the music and lights are. The reflection of everything going on illuminates his face, making him look even more beautiful than before. Yes, I called him beautiful and he is a guy. It's a wonderful description for him in this moment though.
When he looks back at me with a questioning stare, I realize I didn't answer his question. "Oh right, uh, I guess." No, no I don't want to! Stay and talk with me! Of course I don't really beg him as much as I want to, I just shrug my shoulders but remain in place.
He chuckles softly. "You don't really want to then." It wasn't a question.
"No, not yet," I tell him with a small smile.
"Come here." I take the extra steps until I'm directly in front of him. I'm not sure what he wants me to do and I'm completely taken by surprise when he holds onto my hips. I'm not sure if should moan in happiness, push him away since he is engaged, cry with guilt, or what. Then he lifts me and places me in the bed of his own pick up. I mentally laugh at myself. You idiot, of course he wasn't trying something! Get over him, and get yourself!
He jumps up, surprising me that he can even jump that high. A normal truck is hard enough to jump into, let alone a lifted one. I guess it just goes to show he has some serious muscle.
Which reminds me. "Gunner says you may be taking over for 'Ol Man Jones when the time comes."
His grin turns devilish and I'm curious as to why. "So you've been keeping tabs on me I see."
Oh, that’s why.
I'm so thankful it's dark so he can't see me blush. Tears and blushing, two things I don't think I've done in years. I'm not sure if it's my family, Texas, or Zander, but for some reason, I'm fourteen again, not twenty four.
"No, well, yeah, I mean, no. He um, he mentioned it today." Okay, scratch that, it doesn't matter that it's dark anymore, he just made me stutter like crazy. I clear my throat then face my head towards the left, wanting a hole to open up and take me right now.
How embarrassing!
When nothing is said and no noise is made, I slowly and reluctantly turn back to face him. He is wearing a shit-eating grin the size of... Texas. The smallest little indent to the left of his grin reminds me of when I first discovered he had a dimple, it was in the movie theater when he first kissed me. And cue the butterflies, they just erupted at the thought. Plus, when he is staring at me like that, it's hard not to feel like a tangled mess inside.
Thinking he is going to say something to embarrass me further, or make assumptions that I keep tabs, he surprises me when he finally does speak. "Do you remember that game we made up in the tree house?"
Well there were two. One was where we told each other three secrets about ourselves, sometimes they were silly like 'I secretly like the smell of my own fart' and yeah, I was disturbed when he said that one to me. Sometimes they were more serious, like 'I hate my family and I want to leave this country,' which was no shock to Zander, but took me off guard admitting it out loud for the first time.
Yeah, it was a fun game that opened me up a lot to him, it made it so we had no secrets, and it kept us occupied. Then when we had less and less to share with one another, came game number two. We had two dice and a list of what the numbers meant. Such as you rolled two dice, one landed one three, one landed on six. Three would be lick, or suck, or kiss, something like that, and the six would be a body part. They were never inappropriate body parts, but towards the last three or four months of our relationship, things would progress between us. Yeah, that game was amazing.
Him asking that question makes me nervous though, because it probably means he is going to want to play one of those games. And although the dice game sounds nice, he is engaged. Plus, I'm highly certain he doesn't have dice in his pocket. Which means, he wants to play the truth game. Three truths, from me. I could do maybe three rounds of that, meaning nine total secrets, then things may get messy or hard. I have a decade of lies at the forefront of my mind, one may just slip out if we play this reckless game.
Instead of mentally contemplating it anymore, I just nod my head and force a smile. "Yeah, I remember them."
"Them?" He stares for a second until his eyes light up. "Oh, right, them." His smile widens and he is now thinking of the dice game too.
I roll my eyes and softly laugh. "What about the games?"
"We have some catching up to do. Let’s share a few secrets, two rounds worth, then we can head back in before Emerson or Faith send out a search party."
Two rounds, okay, I can do this.
"You go first," I tell him.
"Fair enough." He pauses while he thinks of a few things. "Okay, one, I wish my truck were red." We both sort of chuckle. "Two, I'm a little scared to get married next month." Gulp. "And three, I feel like I'm still dreaming having you back home." The game gets a little too serious, too fast. I'm the one not sure if I'm dreaming or not. I'm also not sure what to say- to any of that. Well, minus the truck being red verses black.
Instead of answering him, because I'm sure I'll ask the wrong questions, I take my turn. "I like my job," I say holding up one finger. Holding up a second and third I finish. "I actually felt welcomed by most everyone when I came back, and you're half the reason I left." Shit, did I say that out loud?
He looks like I physically slapped him across the face. My words actually cause him to wince and I immediately want to take them back. I didn't mean it to sound like I disliked him, or that he forced me away, or anything like that. He was my reason for waking up each morning. But how do I explain what I mean without giving him the exact reason? I don't think I can, and I also don't think this is the time or place.
"Sorry," he mutters.
"No, Zander, I'm sorry."
"Look," he interrupts. "I shouldn't have come chasing after you, and I shouldn't have just said all that. I'm getting married in two weeks, you've been gone ten years. I guess you showing up unannounced took me off guard, especially when I thought you were... well... dead." He shivers his body, erasing those thoughts.
I can feel tears welling in my eyes again. I can't say anything to him. I can't stop his self-loathing or questioning ways. I can't explain anything. Even if I wanted to right now, I can't. My body won't move, my mind is going crazy, my mouth is glued shut. I don't know what is wrong with me, and I'm not sure how to fix it.
He sniffs before swallowing hard. Not in an emotional way, just out of habit. He looks at me and I don't see any signs of happiness or playfulness, I see a man who just grew up before my eyes. Not the Zander Fields I knew, but the Zander Fields I made. I can't even help the guilt swarming through me, and I keep yelling at myself inside my head, asking why the heck I didn't tell him years ago! Even five years ago, when reality hit me hard like a ton of brick. I should have told him, and I didn't, and now it's ruining everything before I have a chance to fix it.
And I'm confusing myself!
I need to turn off my overactive brain for the night, go home and sleep. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll fix things later. Later as in when Zander shows up to Clay and Faith's and sees Justin. He'll know. I know he will. How can you not know your own child wh
en you're staring at him?
"Lexi?" He gets eye level with me, bringing me back to reality. I still don't feel like I can talk, but I can make sense of what is going on around me. I blink a few times and bring my head back, looking at his softening features.
"I lost you there for a sec. Come on, we should probably head back."
I nod my head then stand after he does. He helps me down from his monstrous truck, then he jumps out. We walk back in next to each other but a few inches apart and without any words.
Spotting Faith, I walk directly towards her. She gives me a pouty lip. "I was wondering what happened to you." Her eyes look over to Zander than back to me. "You okay?"
"Yeah, fine." My voice is weak and tired.
She gets the hint. "Let's go find your brother."
The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you.
You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.
-Bob Marley
Rease texted me and said they were running a little behind. They apparently stayed up until after
three this morning and slept in. I'm surprised with myself for not being upset. I used to love to stay up late at night with Bray, so I can understand why they would.
Bray. Ugh, I have to see her today. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely thrilled, but scared. Terrified. It’s another obstacle I have to deal with while I'm back. I'm sure there will be yelling, crying, hugging, and whatever else. If she shows up that is. And Tanner. He probably hates me. I just ran off yesterday even though he didn't do anything wrong. He made me face reality and I shouldn't have held that against him, even for a minute. I hope he shows so I can apologize.
I help prepare a few foods with Faith while we listen to some music. She dances around the kitchen, singing along to the radio, knowing every single song that comes on. A few times she raises her voice during the chorus and looks at me with laughter in her eyes. She is such a precious woman and I'm so happy for my brother.
In all honesty, I think she is singing and dancing to lighten up my mood. She seems to sense I'm a little on edge about everything. It works too. By the time we're finished with everything we had to prepare I catch myself gliding across the kitchen with a dance in my step and I sing out a few verses of some songs I know. She laughs when she places the last of the pressed hamburg in the fridge for when the guys grill burgers later. "Please don't ever try out for The Voice." She winks her eye at me.
I flip her off when I walk back down the hall towards the room I'm occupying. "Screw you!" Of course I laugh when I say it. I already know I'm tone deaf. She bursts out in laughter and it fades as I get closer to my room.
My heart skips several beats when I spot that pickup truck pull into the drive. I'm standing in the guest room, digging through all my clothes. Most of my wardrobe consists of nice dress clothes though, since I’m usually doing something work related. Its either those, or pajamas. I decide to skip over into Faith’s room. She had a ton of clothes in a pile yesterday that she said I could borrow whenever need be. This is a need be for me.
I slide into a pair of cut off shorts that go a little further up my thigh than I’d like, but its so much hotter than I’m used to in Texas, I decide they’re fine for today. I layer on a white tank top first then a navy blue one. Looking at the belt slipped over the side of the chair, I slide it throw the loops of my shorts and clasp the large buckle in front. I feel adorable, like a true southern lady. Its been far too long.
After getting dressed, I head back down to my temporary room. In front of the full length mirror I brush out my hair and braid it down off to one side quickly, purposely letting it look a little mused. I add a little makeup and line my lips in a juicy gloss.
Its useless at this point to pretend I’m looking good for nobody in general. All I could think about before falling asleep was Zander. All I could dream about was Zander. I woke up thinking about Zander, nearly sensing he is next to me. Yet, he wasn’t. He can’t be. He is going to be getting married soon. This is all ridiculous. Yet, here I am, sliding my feet into wedged sandals and spritzing some floral perfume on my skin. Heck, I even adjust my tank top to make it look as though I have some cleavage. That’s a first.
I grab some of the platters on the countertop on my way outdoors, then I bring it over to where Faith is laying everything else out. She smiles at me, but I can see the hidden meaning behind it. Zander is here, with his fiancé. Our son is on his way. My heart still belongs to him.
Oh, and here comes Tanner, with Bray.
Yeah, this is going to be a fan-fuckin-tastic day!
Tanner smiles warmly when our eyes meet. I walk his way and give him a small hug. “Sorry for taking off last night,” I whisper.
“Sorry for upsetting you.” He pulls back and smiles a little wider for just a quick second before it completely fades away. I can feel the hair stand on end with the ragged breath on my neck. I have no doubt its Bray, about to attack.
I slowly turn with a sad smile and she looks at me with a stone cold stare. I admit, it hurts. Her lips press together as her eyes look me up and down, her head shaking back and forth so slowly. The silence surrounding us is deafening, and I’m pretty sure all eyes are on us. It’s a showdown, one that I do not want to have.
Finally, I break the silence. “Bray,” I say with a hint of a smile.
She scuffs.
She has to be somewhat okay with me being here or else she wouldn’t have shown. Somewhere deep down, she has got to be happy to have me around. To be back, in her life. To be safe. “You’re actually here?” She raises a perfectly plucked eyebrow. Actually, now that I look at her, everything is perfect. Just as I imaged she would be. Beautiful is the biggest understatement I can think of when I look at Bray.
I look down at my feet, feeling beat down just by her scrutiny alone. I nod my head a little, unable to find my voice all of a sudden. A new set of feet join in seconds later and I immediately recognize Faith’s brown strapped sandals.
“Ladies,” she says in a sweet, yet threating tone. Warning us to take this somewhere else, or settle it a different time. I’d rather get it over and done with, but not with all these people around.
I look up to Faith and give her an apologetic smile. “No problem,” I tell her.
With a huff of breath, Bray turns on her heels and walks away from us. From me. The only best friend I’ve ever had in my life- besides my grandmother and my child. Pathetic to say the least. Either way, she just walked away from me, as I walked away from her all those years ago. My heart cracks, bleeding out a little more than it already has. I’m pretty sure I was born with a heart three times a normal size, because it keeps cracking, yet it hasn’t quite shattered.
Then again, if my heart were bigger than a normal one, I wouldn’t have hurt all these people.
Therefore, my heart must be made of solid steel, and it’s bending and breaking. All the destruction I leave behind me has to be against the laws of science.
With a clearing of my throat, I keep my chin up, my back straight, and I walk to the cooler in a calm and collective manner. Then I grab one of the beers that I apparently have no choice but to get used to, I open it, and guzzle it down much faster than should be humanly possible. Yeah, that part was no so smooth, but very much needed.
Within twenty minutes, everyone Faith invited has arrived except for Justin and Rease. This includes my dad and Torin, who both have ignored me even more so than Bray and Zander. It’s fine, because my taste buds have made no choice in the fact of getting used to the beer, and I’m now guzzling down my fourth one.
Just as everyone is starting a buffet line, I head indoors to use the bathroom. The second I get inside, I start mumbling to myself about how much bullshit this all is. This is ridiculous. I could have made this right a near decade ago, and I didn’t. I was scared of my mom, scared of what people would think, scared of being cut off from the little support I did have. I was scared of so much. All that fear I had has nothing on what I feel now.
I�
�m not only scared of everything, but I’m heartbroken. I’m weak. I’m embarrassed. I’m sad. I’m lonely. And even with all that, I’m a horrible person still.
Mid-stream while peeing, the door opens and I try my best to cover up to no avail. The door slams and I look over to the most pissed off looking bull I’ve ever seen. “Do you mind?” I yell.
“No, not at fucking all.” I watch as he works his jaw back and forth.
Using my finger, I make a twirl in the air, asking him to turn around. He reluctantly listens to me, steam blowing out of his ears, and I quickly wipe. The second my shorts are back in place, I tell him its fine to turn around, making sure I give a little attitude for interrupting my privacy like that.
He doesn’t just turn to face me, but he storms towards. I may as well be waving a red flag, begging for him to charge directly at me. That is how I feel. No, I actually feel more like a rodeo clown, playing around with the bull. Pissing him off more. Wanting to get him caged, but knowing its no use.
“Za-za,” I clear my throat and start over. “Zander.” There, that’s better. “You couldn’t wait three minutes, or knock, or something?”
“Do you think I’m some kind of idiot?” His heated glaze stares me dead in my own eyes and I feel two inches tall. I can see all the muscles in his gorgeous body tense and move, as his flared nostrils inhale and exhale short, curt breaths.
I don’t want to go and assume anything- you know what they say about assuming- so I play it dumb. Yeah, either way, I guess I’m making an ass out of me. Out of us. Great, just great. “Of course not.” I honestly don’t know what more to say.
His hand flies out into the direction of the closed door. “Your son arrived.”
I swallow the lump of panic forming in my throat and try to think of a million and one ways to get the hell out of this situation, but I can’t. I just nod my head, and give a simple remark. “Thanks for letting me know. I should go say hi.”