by Ashley Beale
Faith nods her and takes another sip of her beer. When she places it back down, she gives her a half smile. “She understands and said everything will be fine. I’m just missing rehearsal stuff, but since they’re not doing anything out of the ordinary, I should be fine tomorrow.”
I continue to sip on my apple flavored malt beverage. Its like a beer with a crisp apple taste, and I like it much more. It does the job as my body starts to feel warm all over and my head becomes lighter with each sip. With the mention of Zander and Emerson’s wedding, I become thankful for this nice little buzz I have going on.
“Oh, good,” Magnolia tells her. She is oblivious to the fact Zander is the love of my life. I think she may even be unaware to the fact that he is Justin’s father. “I still don’t see them as a couple. She is a sweetheart and all, but he has such an edge to him. Plus, he works hard and she doesn’t even have a job. They don’t even have kids. She should be putting in forty hours a week, or at least thirty.” She shakes her head, irritated by the idea as she continues sipping her margarita through a straw.
This all is news to me. I had no idea Emerson didn’t work. Doesn’t Zander know she is more than likely using him? Of course she may really love him, but she obviously doesn’t have respect for him.
Faith makes this weird snort noise. “Tell me about it. The second he proposed, she up and quits at the mini mart. God love her, but I don’t get it.”
I can feel that warmth inside of me turn into a heated mess. It shouldn’t be my business but it angers me greatly.
Magnolia waves to waitress, pausing their conversation to get a refill. I’m pretty sure she is already drunk, but I don’t say anything. I could use another at this point as well, so I tell the waitress to bring another round for us all.
When the waitress walks away, Magnolia looks back at Faith. “Didn’t you tell me she was quite the slut in college?”
Faith’s cheeks turn bright and her eyes enlarge. “Magnolia,” she hisses, “that wasn’t to be repeated.”
I can’t help the smirk that appears on my face, but I hide it behind the lip of my drink.
Magnolia plays it off with a shrug. “You know what they say, once a slut, always a slut.” The world slut coming from Magnolia shocks me, but not as much as what happens next. “Probably why she quit her job, so she could screw guys behind Zander’s back.”
Gunner hears her and shakes his head. “Baby, you’ve had enough. Time to give up the tequila.” She starts laughing hysterically and the conversation is nearly forgotten, that is, until she speaks again.
“By the look on your face, I’m going to say I’m correct.”
In an instant I turn to face Faith who is looking down at the table. Her hands rest around her beer bottle as she peels at the label subconsciously. Magnolia is right, from the way she looks, I’d immediately assume the assumption was correct.
I don’t even hesitate in asking. “Is it true, Faith? Does she?”
There is a long, almost awkward pause, as everyone at our table looks at Faith in disbelief. When she finally lifts her head to look up, she looks directly at me and says. “I’m supposed to be her best friend. I’m not supposed to let people know her secrets.”
Educating the mind
Without educating the heart
Is no education at all.
–Aristotle
I shouldn’t be doing this. I told myself it was not my business. Everyone else told me it was not my business. But it doesn’t seem to matter.
I lean against the street lamp and pull the cell phone out of my pocket.
His voice is groggy and thick, but he answers and that makes me a smile just a little.
“Hey,” he answers.
“Can you get out of the house?”
“I could,” he says it almost as a question.
I want to giggle but its not really the time for that. Instead I say, “I’m across the street, next to the street lamp. Come out here please.”
He groans and it sounds like he is moving around, but he doesn’t speak. Its when I hear a door close in the background he finally speaks again. My heart is racing, wondering if he went into the other room to get shoes on, or to scream at me for waking him up at two in the morning.
With a sigh, “What do you need, Lex?”
“I need to talk to you, please. I don’t want to talk to you before the wedding, so I have to now.”
“Its two thirty in the morning!” he whisper-shouts. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“I’m not. Zander… please,” I beg. I’m not opposed to getting on my knees and pleading. That may have something to do with the fact I drank an entire six pack, plus the Bloody Mary. I stopped drinking three hours ago, and I still feel disoriented from the booze.
I watch as his front door opens and he shakes his head. The phone goes silent in my ear but I don’t mind, because I have a vision of perfection walking in my direction. When he crosses the road to me, his arms cross over his chest as he looks down at me, exhausted and uncertainty. Did I mention the fact that Zander did not put a shirt? Oh hot damn. The way his plaid pants hang on those deliciously chiseled hips, it makes me want-
“Eyes up here Lexi.”
I look up, embarrassed that I’m caught ogling him, but also turned on by the fact his eyes are hooded while he watches me. I bite down on my lip, chewing on the dry skin, unable to remember why it is that I’m here.
Flashing back to when Faith broke that news, I’m reminded that I jumped out of the booth to run and tell Zander. Clay is actually the one to pull on my arm, making me sit again. They all four begged me not to tell Zander, saying I’m just going to sound jealous and in return, Zander will marry Emerson out of spite. A way to prove me wrong. A way to piss me off.
I tried to fight the idea that he’s going to marry her and not know, but they said he is going to marry her either way. I need to not fight it. So when I got back to Clay and Faith’s, I waited until I knew they were asleep- in other words, when it was safe enough to pull the pillow away from my damn ears- and I called a taxi. That is how I ended up here.
And now… now I’m not sure if I should listen to my heart or my head.
Zander’s hand comes up and rubs against my cheek. “Are you okay? I know you had a lot to deal with today.”
I nod my head. “Yeah, I’m okay right now.”
“Then what are you doing outside my house this early in the morning? Are you… drunk?”
My face burns. “No.”
His eyebrows lift before he cracks a smile. I’m saddened when his hand falls from my face but he quickly pulls me into a hug, making me smile. My face is pushed up against his warm, hard chest, and its better than any pillow I could ever purchase. I want my head to be placed here every night before bed. I want to be wrapped around him every night when I fall asleep, and still be that way when I wake up in the morning. I just simply want Zander.
“Let me bring you back to your brothers,” he says softly.
I shake my head before wrapping my arms around his waist.
“Not yet,” I plead. “Just one more minute.”
“Why are you really here, Lexi?”
I pull my head away, resting my chin on his chest, while I look up into those alluring
chocolate brown eyes. “Do you really have to get married tomorrow?”
His brows lift but he doesn’t say anything. Nothing. Complete silence.
Is he thinking about it? Has he second guessed it? Does he… does he still love me?
“I do,” he says point blank.
Did I just say my last question out loud? Is that the one he is answering? Or… or my first one? Now I’m a little confused, and so the hell with it, I’m telling me how I really feel before it’s too late.
“I always pictured us getting married, Zander. Us. I’ve been in love with you, and only you, since we were thirteen. There has been no one but you since. And you’re it for me forever. I know I screwed up, so, so bad, but please Zander. P
lease don’t marry her.”
He shakes his head and steps back from me, making my hands drop to my side.
Everything inside my chest is actually pained. I just exposed myself to him and he stepped away from me, looking at me like I’m some kind of curse. My breathing shortens into hasty intakes as my head becomes dizzy. This is really happening. He is marrying her and all this time, all this waiting, all this loved I’ve saved up, it was for nothing. Because Zander doesn’t want me.
And I don’t blame him one bit.
“You can’t say that to me, you don’t have the right to,” he claims.
It may be true, but it still hurts.
“But if I don’t tell you now, then I’ll never get the chance.”
The side of his mouth lifts into a very cock grin. “You can tell me in, oh, ten years from now.”
I come completely unfocused with that blow. But again, I deserve it. I close my eyes and take deep, set breaths. When I open my eyes again, Zander looks almost as hurt as I feel, but I don’t let it get to me. I throw my hands out to the side and yell out, “What the hell do you want me to do to make it up to you Zander? Huh? What am I supposed to do? I don’t have a damn rewind button!”
He takes a step closer to me and all of a sudden I start shaking in my boots. He looks pissed.
“You could just not show up at my house twelve hours before I’m supposed to be walking down the aisle. You could just leave things alone and get over it.”
By now his face is mere inches from mine. I stand my ground though, no matter how nervous he makes me. “I could never get over you, Zander Fields. Do you understand me? Never.”
“You’re about ten years too late for that one. Hell, even six years! But you’re not going to ride into this fucking town on your damn high horse after a decade and tell me not to get married.”
“But she doesn’t love you like I do!” I start to whine, I know this, but I want him to see how much he means to me. “No one will,” I whisper.
He laughs dryly and I watch as he works his teeth back and forth. “You’re kidding right? You care, huh? You haven’t even asked for my damn forgiveness after all this time!”
“I’m not asking for you to forgive me, I’m begging you to!” I take a step forward and drop to my knees. They immediately sting as they hit the gravel under me, but right now I don’t care. This is more important. “You see this Zander? I’m begging you! Please. Forgive me.”
“Get off the ground, you look ridiculous,” he states. He turns around completely, and I watch as he runs his hand over his head. I can tell he is trying to even his breaths out, so I don’t say anything, allowing him to work through this himself.
When he whips back around to face me, he takes a step forward and reaches his hand down for me. I reach up and he pulls me to my feet. “I’m bringing you home. This is ludicrous.”
“Which part?” I ask.
He looks down the street before crossing it back to his house, ignoring my question. I follow after him, and pause when he reaches his front door. He turns and looks over at me. “I’m just getting my keys.”
I walk over and climb up into Zander’s truck, wanting so desperately to be super loud, in hopes Emerson will wake up and throw a tantrum. But then I remember Justin is inside that house sleeping, and I’d feel awful waking him up. So I close the door quietly and sit here with my arms crossed, throwing a little hissy fit like a ten year old.
Zander shakes his head at me when he climbs in but doesn’t say anything. It’s almost a ten minute ride to Clay’s, so after a couple of minutes, I take this as an opportunity for one last try. I can play this one of two ways. I can either beg and plead and confess my love some more, as I did before, or I can play the manipulative card. Guilt him into second guessing.
The first part was a fail, and although I’m not the manipulative type, I’m desperate. Desperate times call for desperate measures. So its either this, or tell him the truth about Emerson, but with what everyone said to me before, I can’t find it in me… yet.
“Well I’m booking the plane tickets tomorrow. The funeral is set for Tuesday morning. I don’t have to worry about any other services, because they’re all beforehand, except her burial. So I’m thinking I’ll book our tickets for Thursday. I don’t know if you’re doing a honeymoon or anything, but if not, I’d probably try to see Justin as much as possible by then.”
“You’re kidding, right?” he asks expressionless.
“Why the hell would I kid about any of this?” I turn in my seat to face him.
He looks over at me. “Seatbelt.”
“What?”
“Seatbelt,” he orders.
I shake my head and grab at my seatbelt, hastily putting it on. “There, how’s that?” I ask sarcastically.
He peeks back over. “Good.” Its silent again, and I want to say something more, but what more can I really say right now? He starts in again right before we get to Clay’s. “Your game isn’t going to work on me, Lexi. I’ll fucking come after you, and I’ll bring Emerson with me. I’ll have my son in my life, for the rest of my life, and you’re not going to play games with me anymore.”
“I never played games with you.”
“You’re right, you didn’t. And you won’t.”
“I’m not trying to play games. We live in Ohio. Justin and I have a home there. I have a job, he has school. You knew I was back just for the funeral.”
“And you knew I was getting married. Didn’t stop you from trying to make changes.”
I sag down a little bit just as the truck comes to a stop. He looks over at me, I can feel it, but I don’t look in his direction. He leans in towards me and I can’t help the increasing of my heart rate. That is when he unclicks my seatbelt, and all the anticipation dwindles. I quickly grab at it and hook it back in, then I cover the red button with my hand, not allowing him to unbuckle me again.
“Seriously?” he asks, sitting straighter again.
I look in his direction, giving him a glare. “Yes, seriously.”
“This isn’t a damn game. Get out of my truck, go inside and get to sleep. I need my sleep. In case you didn’t know, I’m getting married tomorrow.”
“Why are you being such a jackass to me tonight?”
Tears start welling in my eyes and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for everything tonight. For everything in my life. I was conceived unwelcomingly, I was unwelcomed my whole life, I’ve screwed up everything from the start, and I’ve created a whirlwind of drama since I arrived two weeks ago. I can see exactly why Zander doesn’t want me, I wouldn’t want to be with me either.
Then I think about eighth grade when he brought me that granola bar, and every day after that he made an effort with me. He loved me at a time I didn’t even love myself, and he made me feel cherished. He turned my world around. He gave me a reason to wake in the morning, to dream at night. He loved me, even more so with my flaws. Without my flaws, we never would have been.
So why do I feel like I don’t deserve him? Why do I feel like the flaws I have now are too much for him? Is my lying for the last ten years worse than Emerson cheating on him now? Maybe. I really don’t know. All I do know for sure is, that Zander deserves better than the both of us.
I slowly unbuckle myself and slide closer to Zander. His body tense and it makes me sad that he feels so uncomfortable around me right now. I lean up and press my lips to his cheek. When I pull back, I whisper, “I do love you Zander, so I’m doing the right thing. I’m sorry.”
As I start to jump out of the truck, I close my eyes and say the last thing eating at me. “You’re going to hate me more for this, but Emerson is cheating on you.” I jump out and close the door behind me.
Something touching my face wakes me the next morning. I peek up and spot Bray looking down at me, a large smile on her face. “Today is the day!”
With a sharp glare, I grab my pillow and cover my face, groaning into it. I have a massive headache from the alcohol I consu
med yesterday and the little amount of sleep I got. I don’t have much choice though, I have to get up, as I have plans with Bray.
She decided that since it was the day of Zander’s wedding and she knew I’d be a wreck, we made plans for mani-pedi’s, lunch, then she was going to introduce me to her husband. By the time that is all finished up, the wedding will be done, I can collect Justin, and we can go fetch a movie or something.
Bray pulls the pillow away from my face and laughs until she sees my facial expression. “Hey, are you okay? I know yesterday was a pretty rough day for you all. If you want to reschedule, we can?”
I close my eyes again. “Thanks for the reminder. I wasn’t even thinking that. I got drunk last night and showed up at Zander’s after two a.m., pleading for him not marry Emerson.”
When I don’t get a reaction, I peek one of my eyes open to see Bray grinning from ear to ear. “Really? Really, really? You did that? That is- Um. So is there a wedding today or not?” She scratches her head as I remain silent, giving her the answer. “Oh,” she says, looking away. She stands from the bed and starts playing with things on the computer desk. “Well up, up, up. We got plans today. Take your mind off it all.”
“Want to go get me some Tylenol first?” I ask.
She laughs, walking towards the door. “Yes ma’am.”
I climb out of bed, pressing my fingers against both temples, rubbing light circles. I guess I better perk up and look forward to a day with my long lost best friend. Grabbing a pair dark blue jean shorts, a white tank, and my undergarments, I make my way into the hall the same time Bray is making her way towards me. I smile at the glass of water and the Tylenol in her hand.
Once I take the Tylenol, I thank her and tell her I’ll be quick. Looking back at my reflection in the mirror, I feel even worse. I look like hell. My eyes are puffy from crying myself to sleep, and my hair is completely greasy and matted to my head. With a sigh, I ignore myself and turn to start the shower.