by Ashley Beale
I asked Justin what he wanted, he said he wanted to go, and that was that. I was glad Zander was bringing him somewhere, and I knew I wasn’t in the condition to be a mother. It worked out good, considering the circumstances.
“So, about this professor…”
Faith glares at me before grinning. “Professor Roderick,” she sighs, “this story is going to be good.”
Sitting at the computer desk, searching flights, knowing I’ve made enough of a mess of things here, I hear the roar of an engine. I lean back in the chair to look out the window and spot that lifted black truck. I’m happy to have Justin back home, but I’m too nervous to see Zander. Actually, who am I to think Zander would actually take the time out of his day to come in and see me anyways.
Instead of going out to meet Justin, I just sit correctly in my chair again, continuing to find cheaper tickets back home. If I were to leave Wednesday I could save almost fifty dollars a ticket, but I really wanted to stay until at least Thursday. Switching to a new discounted flight website, I find last minute tickets cheaper than anywhere else and click the link the purchase them.
Standing up to go grab my purse, needing my credit card number, I’m frozen in place when I see Zander leaning against my door frame. He points his thumb over his shoulder. “Justin wanted to take a shower. He is pretty exhausted, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he takes a nap after.”
“Okay, thanks,” I tell him.
Part of me wants to apologize to him, another part wants to run up and kiss his mouth, and the other part of me wants to slap him across the face. I can’t decide if I’m mad at him or not. What he did to me was not okay, but what I did to him was way worse, so I can’t hate him for it.
He just stares for a minute, and I know he has to be having a similar conversation with himself inside his head. His eyes travel down my body before he turns his head to the side. Clearing his throat, he says, “Yeah, so I guess I should probably go. If you need me to take him later for your mom’s services, its no problem, just give me call.”
As Zander starts to walk off, I yell out, “Wait.” I honestly don’t know what I’m going to say, all I know is I don’t want him to leave… yet.
He turns back to face me, placing his thumbs into his front pockets. “Yeah?”
Think, Lexi, think quick. Oh!
“Yeah, I’ll let Justin nap, then why don’t you take him. He doesn’t need to be around a bunch of blubbering relatives that he doesn’t know. It’s going to be awkward enough. Plus, we’re um… we’re leaving Thursday. I’m getting my tickets right now. So whenever you want to spend time with him before then, let me know.”
He steps in closer and cocks his head to the side. “You’re really leaving? You’re really taking him away from me so soon? You couldn’t wait another, what, week?”
I look down bashfully, but I still stand my ground. I get it all out at once. “First off, I really am sorry Zander. I should have never messed with your engagement or your wedding. I should have never let what happened yesterday happen, and I know I have years of apologizing to do.” I look back up at him again, giving him a stern look. “But what you did yesterday was not okay. I’ve been telling you that you’re it for me, that you’re the only one I love, and you used me, Zander. You used me. I never in a million years thought out of everyone in the world, you’d do such a thing to me.”
He avoids my eye contact, and just as he is about to open his mouth, we both hear the bathroom door creak over. Zander turns around and I see Justin come into view on the other side of Zander. “Hey, how was last night?” I ask him.
He smiles at me. “It was awesome! We got take out and had desert off the hotel menu, then we got to swim until ten o’clock last night. After we rented movies and talked sports. I had so much fun! Then this morning we hit up the gym before going to the diner for breakfast.”
I grin at his enthusiasm and happiness. I love that he had such a wonderful time, and with a male role model. Not just any role model, but his father. I swallow down the lump forming in my throat as emotion starts to take over and tell him, “That is awesome. I’m pretty jealous. Sounds like a fun time.”
“The best! Ever!”
“Well, you can tell me all about it in a moment, okay? I just need to speak to your father for a minute if that is okay?”
He nods his head before a yawn escapes him. “Can we talk after I wake up from a nap? I’m exhausted.”
“Of course, go lay down.” He gives his dad a fist bump and I can’t help but giggle, then he goes into his room, closing the door behind him.
Zander whips his body around to face me then immediately starts stalking towards me. The door closes behind him and before I know what is going on, he grabs the back of my head and pushes his lips onto mine. I take both my hands to his chest and push him away, almost surprising myself. “Don’t,” I tell him. “You don’t have the right to do that right now.” As much as I want it.
“I messed up. We messed up. I’m confused, Lexi, I’m so damn confused.”
“You think!”
He sighs, running his hands over his face in frustration. “Jesus, Lex.” He walks over to the futon and sits hastily. “I’m not sure if you know that I worked with Gunner for a while.” He looks over at me and I nod my head, taking a seat in the computer chair. “Well, when he first started working at the Plantation, I thought he looked familiar. I couldn’t figure it out at first, until someone said ‘Bennett, get your ass over here,’ and I knew it was your brother.
“I’d occasionally ask questions about your family, hoping I’d find something out about you, but he didn’t seem to know anything about you. And if he did, he never said much. Obviously I knew you guys weren’t close before you left, so it wasn’t all that surprising, but I still expected more. Then one day he talked about how you guys started emailing back and forth.”
He looks straight at me and there is a hurt in his expression I don’t think I can explain. I let him continue though, wanting to know what he has to say for himself. “He mentioned you lived just outside of Toledo, and that you were working hard and doing well. I asked if you were going to college, or married, or anything, trying to sound nonchalant about it. When he said he didn’t think you’d ever get married, you were too career driven, I took a vacation the next week.”
“What do you mean?”
“I took a week off from work, got a plane ticket, and flew out to Ohio to see you.”
I’m not even sure if I’m hearing him correctly. “You came to see me? How come… why didn’t you-“
“Stop, listen.” I nod my head and lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees while giving him my full attention. “I found your address and stopped by on a Tuesday afternoon. Your grandmother answered the door and when I asked if you were around, she said you were out with Justin, and you weren’t expected home anytime soon. Of course I didn’t know at the time Justin was your son. Well, our son. So I immediately assumed he was something more. My plane wasn’t scheduled to return for three days, so I went back to the hotel. The next day I showed up at your work, and you were laughing with some guy who placed his arm around your shoulder. I didn’t try to find you again.”
“I wasn’t with anyone. I haven’t been with anyone, Zander. I- I wish I would’ve known.”
He continues without missing a beat. “It hurt so much, Lexi. So much. I went out to the bar, got drunk, and pretty much stayed in that state of mind until I left Ohio. When I got home, I saw Gunner at the store when I was buying a twelve pack, and he invited me to go out with his friends. I went along, and that is when I met Emerson. Clay had brought Faith, who brought Emerson. She was meant to be a booty call, but the more I got to know her, the more I fell for her, until all was forgotten and she become the one I loved. I always had love for you Lexi, but I moved on, knowing I didn’t have a choice.”
“But you always had a choice,” I tell him.
“So didn’t you. You did what you truly thought was best, I did what I
truly thought was the best. Then when I saw you in front of me at the store… shit, Lexi, fuck.” He looks down, cover his face with his hands again.
I don’t know what to say to any of that, so I sit and stare at him, almost wanting to cry but knowing there is no use. Finally I say the only thing that I can think of. “Do you think we could ever be together?”
He lifts his head from his hands and looks at me with doubt. “Honestly? I have no idea.”
“Okay,” I tell him. I want to fight him on it, to show him that we could be perfect together, but I know there really isn’t much use in it right now.
He stands up and walks towards me, giving me his hand. I accept it and stand with his pull. Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, he looks down at me with tenderness. This Zander standing before me, is the Zander I fell in love with, for so many reasons. Open, honest, sweet, loving. He is perfection.
“I love you, Lexi. I do. I probably will for the rest of my life. But that doesn’t mean we can just happen. There is a lot we need to work on before we can even think about dating one another, and not only that, I’m not leaving Arlington. Not ever. So you need to decide, are you staying or going?”
Say something, I'm giving up on you,
I'll be the one, if you want me to,
Anywhere I would've followed you,
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
-A Great Big World
Hiding under my blankets with my flashlight, I try to finish up one last chapter. The door creeks open, and I know I’m going to be in trouble for staying up late. I click the light off and peek out from under the covers. Mom has the light on and is walking over to the bed. She sits on the edge, pulling the book from my hands.
“What are you reading?” She turns the book to look at the cover.
“It’s for school. I didn’t finish this last chapter.”
She looks up at me and I’m surprised she doesn’t punish me. “Scoot over.”
I move over a little bit and mom occupies the space next to me. She lays her head against the pillow and starts reading where I left off. I rest my head on the pillow next to her and curl the blankets up under my chin.
The sound of my mom’s voice when she is reading, concentrating on the words of the pages, there is something about it I can’t explain. Its comforting. I cherish this moment, every single second of it, because it never happens. I feel like I have a real mom, one that loves me and knows I exist.
I don’t even hear any of the words, but instead I watch her mouth move along with the story. Her voice sounds charismatic, and it gives me this odd yearning to be closer to her. So I scoot myself closer to her. Resting my head against her shoulder I start to drift off to sleep, completely forgetting about the book that needs to be finished before class tomorrow.
Mom reaches over and plays with my hair, whispering, “Sweet dreams, Lexi. I love you.”
I fall into a deep slumber and have the best sleep I’ve ever had.
It’s funny how a memory can just come to mind at any given time. A memory you’ve wanted to cherish forever, but completely forgot about. Its no wonder I would think of that while laying on my old childhood bed, less than an hour after laying my mom to rest.
I look around the room that was mine for fourteen years. Close to half my life. I almost don’t recognize it. I took all the important things with me, and it looks as though nothing has been touched since I left. I’ve been up here since we got to my dad’s house, and I would rather stay here until everyone clears the place out.
I sat down with Justin this morning and told him the story my mom told me in the hospital. His eyes watered and he pulled me into a tight hug, telling me he was sorry. I pulled him away from the hug and firmly told him, “I’m not any better of a person than my mom was.”
He had looked back at me and said, “No, because you’ve been honest with me from the start. You’re the best mom in the world.”
We held onto one another for a long time. I asked him if he wanted to attend the funeral but he said he’d rather not. He’s never been to one, and claims he never wants to attend one, not even his own. For a nine year old, he sure is smart. I called his dad, and Zander came to pick him up.
Zander claimed he was calling out of work tomorrow, wanting to give me a break considering what today was, and that he’d drop Justin off around dinner time tomorrow night. I hate that I haven’t gotten to see much of Justin the last two and half weeks, but I’m so glad he has spent this much time with his dad, uncles and aunts.
I climb from the bed and walk over to my dresser. I smile at the engraved heart I made in eighth grade. It has LB + ZF inscribed inside it. I bet my dad would have whipped my bum for this if he had seen it. It was one of my mini-rebellious acts as an adolescent.
I open the drawers, one by one, to see the things I left behind. A half of heart to Bray and I’s BFF necklace, which I slide around my neck, a few shirts and some shorts, a pair of sunglasses, a skittles box from the first date with Zander, some old pairs of socks, and a photo album. I’m surprised with myself to see that in there.
Pulling it out, I walk back over the bed and sit down, opening up to the first page. It starts out with me being maybe three years old, holding Rease in my arms with the biggest grin on my face. I had such chipmunk cheeks that it makes me giggle out loud. The next few pictures are of my siblings and me during different occasions, usually none of us are even paying attention to the camera, except maybe twice.
Then we get into the stages of me being nine or ten, and I’m hanging out with Bray a lot. One we’re in a bikini each, throwing water balloons at one another. I remember that day, I ended up with a black eye because Bray started chasing me around the house and I tripped over a stick, smacking my head into the grill my dad had.
Flipping to the next page, I almost want to cry. I’m wrapped in my mom’s arms, crying, and I see my dad trying desperately to comfort us both. The look on both their face’s, like they actually care, like they love me. The fact they notice me is… weird. I don’t even remember this happening. I don’t remember ever seeing this picture before. It breaks my heart and gives me comfort at the same time. They both did love me, even if they didn’t act like it most the time.
I turn to the next page and I’m not surprised to see it blank. I got to the age I didn’t care for my family anymore, as I felt they didn’t care for me. There was once upon a time, when I was young, I got along with my brothers a lot, but that changed when they starting noticing girls. Then my life pretty much sucked, except for when I was around Bray and Zander.
The next few pages are blank, and as I’m about to close the photo album, I notice a slip of paper peeking out from the back. I flip to the end and see a yellow post it note attached to the album and a picture placed into the last slot.
The picture is of Zander and I riding a bike together, both looking at each other with those puppy dogs eyes, obviously madly in love with one another. On the slip of paper, in my mom’s handwriting, it says, “Don't wait until its too late to tell someone how much you love, how much you care. Because when they're gone, no matter how loud you shout and cry, they won't hear you anymore.”
She said that to me once. I don’t even know who the quote is by, or if its something my mom made up herself, but I do remember her saying it. I had just come inside from riding my bike with Zander, and if I remember correctly, it was this day. She must have snapped the picture when we weren’t paying attention.
I had gotten into the fridge to get us each a sports drink. I remember looking over at my mom and she was staring at the kitchen window as if it held answers to some unknown question. I asked her, “Mom, is everything alright?”
She simply shook her head no, and said those same words to me. She didn’t say them in a beautiful way either, more of an indifferent way. I had stared at her for several minutes when she looked in my direction and said, “Supper will be ready at five. Make sure Zander is on his way home by then and you’re cleaned up.�
�
I didn’t question it then, because that was just my mom. The amount of anti-depressants she was on almost made her more depressed. I let it be and moved on. But now, now I finally get it. She was relating herself to me. Almost jealous even. I found someone, at such a young age, that I loved and loved me back- and she obviously could never get over the doctor she had an affair with.
Sliding the picture out of the slot, I place the sticky note on the back of it and place them on my bed. Putting the photo album pack in the drawer, I take another look around my old bedroom. I smile at the picture of N*Sync on my wall, and I roll my eyes at the teddy bear net placed in the high corner of my bedroom. I had a pretty snazzy bedroom considering my lifestyle, and I do have to be thankful for that. There isn’t anything here I’m sad I left behind, I don’t think, so I grab my picture, putting it in my back pocket, and I leave my bedroom behind me.
I knock on the door of where Rease’s room used to be. I know she is here but I’m not sure if she is in her room or not. I hear her tell me to come in, so I open the door and smile at her sitting on the bed. Torin is next to her, and the two of them are talking in what looks to be a serious conversation. “Oh, I don’t have to interrupt,” I tell them.
Rease tells me to come in and even though I almost feel intimidated by Torin, for some strange reason, I come in anyways. I sit on the bed with them and say, “Sorry, I was getting lonely in there by myself.”
“I know the feeling,” Rease says. “Justin didn’t want to come?”
I shake my head no. “No, he is at Zander’s. He is still so young, its not really appropriate for him to attend a funeral, especially of someone he only met once.”
Torin rolls her eyes. “Not his fault.”
I look over at her and pinch my brows together, getting really sick of her attitude already. “No, not his fault at all. But not mine either.”
“You could have come back before now,” she states.
“You’re right, I could have, but I didn’t feel welcomed when I lived here, so what makes you think I’d want to come back around?”