by Kaitlin Ward
She glares. “He is. That’s why everyone has necklaces or bracelets, even up here.” She gestures to the dumb necklace she’s been wearing since the summer. “He keeps a cell phone for just in case, and a laptop, too.”
“Are you sure he’ll let me use his phone?”
“Of course! Why wouldn’t you think so?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think he likes me that much.”
“That’s ridiculous. Of course he likes you. You know how you read too much into things.”
The door screeches open and I jump. It’s Firehorse, no surprise. I give him my realest fake smile, but inside I’m quaking. I don’t feel jittery like this very often, and I store the feeling—and my reactions—away to write down later in my emotions journal.
“We were just talking about you,” Cara says. She’s completely at ease, not worried about angering Firehorse at all. I’ve never seen him actually act on feelings of anger, so I don’t know why I’m worried about it, either. Something about this ceremony just makes me feel so wrong inside, I regret coming. What else would I have done, though? Cara’s parents clearly think this place is fine or they’d be doing much more to keep her from visiting. Nonstop. And I don’t have any evidence otherwise, besides this soul-deep bad feeling.
“Were you? Only good things, I hope,” Firehorse teases with a chuckle that crawls up my spine.
There’s nothing wrong about the way he says it. He’s not sleazy, isn’t standing too close or acting differently than any other man his age should. Am I reading too much into this situation, like Cara said? Should I be giving him more credit? He’s not forcing Cara to be here. She’s made this crazy choice on her own, no question. It’s not against the law to run a commune—or a cult—as long as you’re not hurting anyone. I will myself to calm down. Until he gives me a reason not to, I need to give Firehorse the benefit of the doubt. For Cara. For getting her back home where she belongs.
“Yeah, I was just telling Cara that I didn’t realize I’d be gone the whole weekend. I need to tell my parents and I don’t have cell service. She told me I’d be able to use yours?”
My eyes flick to his wrist, and Cara wasn’t wrong. He’s wearing a bracelet. Presumably with the same nonsense technology that’s in her necklace.
“Yes, of course!” Firehorse pats me kindly on the shoulder. I’m not repulsed. Not repulsed. “Yes, once we get on our way. It gets better service a little deeper in the woods, funnily enough.”
That’s not suspicious at all. Totally logical.
“Okay. Thank you. Also … not to be high maintenance, but my car got stuck on the way here.”
Firehorse’s pleasant smile falters for a moment. “How far back?”
Far enough to see that concrete cell you’ve got out there. “I think I was walking for a little less than a half hour.”
“Ah, yes, the road does get quite muddy back there. Unfortunately, I won’t have time to pull you out before we go on our trek, but I certainly will when we get back. We aren’t supposed to get rain this weekend, so hopefully the mud will have dried up some by then, anyway. That’ll help.”
“Okay. That works.” Although, honestly, I’d rather just have my car back and get the heck out of here.
“I came to bring you this.” Firehorse holds up a necklace nearly identical to Cara’s. Oh great.
“I’m all set, thank you.”
He pushes the necklace toward me. “While you’re here, I’m going to ask that you wear it. After a couple days, I really think you’ll notice a difference in your energy and mental clarity.”
“Sure, okay.” It comes out a little sarcastic despite my best efforts. When I put on the necklace, nothing feels different. Big surprise.
“Listen.” Firehorse’s voice is serious now. “Mailee, Cara’s told me you’re not much of an outdoors person.”
“Yeah … that’s an understatement.”
He chuckles. “Well, don’t you worry. We’ll take care of you out there. Many of our members knew nothing about nature before they came here. There was once a time when even I knew only the easy pleasures of city life. But we all help each other and work together and the outdoors, the simpler life, none of it is so hard.”
“Will there be a lot of spiders during the hike?” I ask in my tiniest voice.
Neither laughs meanly, but they do both laugh. My face burns.
“There will most likely be some spiders,” Firehorse says. “But probably not big ones.”
That is not comforting.
“What about other animals? Like bears and stuff?”
“They’re around. But you’ll be perfectly safe with the group. Just don’t wander off.” He smiles broadly, like that’s an amusing and not at all threatening joke. “And since you haven’t done much hiking, we won’t make you wear a full-sized backpack,” he adds, and holds up a backpack not much larger—though quite a bit more stuffed—than my school backpack. “This will suffice. The rest of us will be happy to share our supplies with you.”
“Oh. Thank you.” His ostensibly kind gesture makes me feel like a giant burden, which irritates me since I wasn’t even warned that I would be going on a hike at all, let alone a multi-day hike.
“It’s getting dark soon,” Firehorse says, “So we’ll need to get on our way if we want to get in much hiking this evening. Mailee, do you believe in us?”
His abrupt question catches me off guard. What does he even mean? “Um … yes?”
He tilts his head to one side, the tightness of his eyes telling me that won’t cut it.
“Yes. Of course.”
A satisfied nod tells me I did okay this time.
Cara and I follow him out of the metal shack, letting the door fall closed behind us with a banshee-shriek of rusted metal on metal. Once we’re slightly away from him, mixed in with the group, I turn to her.
“So just to clarify, all we know about this is that there’s some kind of ceremony at a cave, and that we’re going to be gone three days?”
“We also know that we’ll probably get to the Cave midafternoon tomorrow.”
“Do we know anything about the cave?”
“Not really,” Cara says. “There’s a lot of stuff you just don’t get to know until you are an official commune member, which is understandable. But they all talk very seriously about the Cave, so I know it’s a big deal.”
“If there’s stuff you’re not supposed to know unless you’re official, what happens if I witness the whole ceremony and then I decide not to join?” Because I am definitely not joining.
“Firehorse said it wouldn’t be a problem.” But for the first time, I detect a hint of concern in her voice.
“Okay. But, Cara, doesn’t it bother you, not knowing anything about this? Being left totally in the dark? Usually, you’re organized down to the minute.”
“And where has that gotten me, huh?” Her voice darkens. “It’s gotten me nowhere. The Haven has been teaching me how to let things go. How to be part of something worth believing in. How to let someone else do the organizing and the planning, and just follow the schedule.”
“But you—”
“All right, everyone!” Firehorse’s cheerful voice cuts me off. “Time to go!”
I guess I’m doing this. I guess I’m going hiking and sleeping in a tent and praying to God a spider doesn’t build a web around me during the night. Or that I don’t get sprayed in the face by a skunk. Or eaten by a grizzly bear.
The path we’re taking is narrow and steep; it looks more like a dusty rut that a long-dried stream left in the hill than an actual path. I slip a lot on the way up, banging my hands and knees on sharp-edged rocks.
By the time we reach the top, sweat pours from me and I’m panting like I’ve just finished a two-hundred-meter sprint. I don’t want to say anything about how much I’m struggling because my backpack is, like, a quarter the size of everyone else’s, but wow does this not bode well for the rest of the trip.
I pull my cell phone out o
f my back pocket and after one last longing glance at its screen, I shut it off. No point in wasting the battery. I won’t even begin to have reception out here. I pull the backpack around to my front to stow the phone with my keys in the small pocket.
Except.
My keys aren’t there.
“Hey, um, Firehorse?” I start nervously. “I think my keys fell out on the way up the path. You didn’t happen to see them fall, did you?”
“Don’t you think I’d have let you know?”
Oh. I guess.
“Right. Sorry. Will I be able to catch up? I really need to go back and look for them.”
“I’m sure you just put them in the wrong pocket, Mailee. We’ve got to keep on, but I promise when you’re ready to leave, if you haven’t found the keys, we’ll all help.”
He still sounds so nice and so helpful, but my alarm bells are going off like crazy. He has my keys, I know it. There’s not a shred of doubt in my mind.
“Okay,” I say meekly. “Thank you.”
Firehorse has stolen my car keys. And even with my keys, my car is hopelessly stuck. Cara doesn’t know—and is clearly at least a touch worried—what will happen if I don’t join the commune after witnessing the event at the Cave. It’s too much. My remaining fraying threads of chill snap, and in a panic, I find Cara and pull her slightly off to the side. We’re probably still within earshot of others, but I’m desperate.
“Cara, please, I’m begging you. Can we not do this? I am so uncomfortable, and I think Firehorse has my keys, and we don’t know what’s going to happen at that cave and it’s just—”
“Mailee.” She cuts off my words, wielding my name like a fist that cracks me across the cheek. “For once, could you just support me at something? Everything is not about what you want. Can you just be here for me this one time?”
Every word is another fist; my emotions are seeping blood by the time she’s finished those three tiny sentences. Why can’t she see that this situation isn’t good? Why can’t she see that underneath the kindness and the cowboy boots, Firehorse is hiding something? My throat is thick with hurt, and before I can formulate a response, a shadow falls over me.
I know who it is without turning around.
“Mailee, it sounds like we need to have a little talk, just you and I,” Firehorse says.
Cara is smiling adoringly at him as he leads me away. I squeeze and unsqueeze my hands to try to hide the fact that I’m shaking like a fall leaf about to be severed from its tree by the wind.
Firehorse stands very close to me this time. His gaze pierces me.
“It is important to Cara that you be here.” His voice is even, but a quiver of anger runs beneath, and it tears at my resolve. “And because of that, you are necessary to this celebration, whether you join us or not. And this celebration, Cara’s joining, is necessary for our group. The most necessary. It completes us.”
Why, though? Every statement he just made needs more explanation. I am literally biting my tongue to stop myself from speaking.
“I thought that we had an understanding, Mailee, after our conversation during your last visit. I know it’s been a while, but I thought we were friends.”
“We are.” I can barely pry the words from my throat.
“Good.” He places a hand on my shoulder in what probably looks like a kind gesture from afar, but his fingers are squeezing and it hurts.
I say nothing.
“But if we are to be friends, Mailee, you need to trust me. And I need to trust you. And if you don’t think you can do that, we will have a very serious problem.”
My eyes flicker to the knife at his belt. He’s not touching it, his hands are nowhere near it, in fact. But I feel like somehow, he’s reminding me it’s there. For a moment, I consider running. He might not come after me if I barreled back down the hill and just fled. But where would I go? I have no keys, my car is stuck in the mud, and I would be running a long time before I could find reception and what if he did come after me? Then I’d be in real trouble.
No, the only way to get myself—and Cara—out of this is to play along.
For now.
I give him my movie-star smile one more time. “We won’t have a problem. I promise. I’m sorry, I know you didn’t take my keys, I just … I don’t really like camping and I got freaked out.”
“That is perfectly understandable. And I know I can trust that it will be the last time we hear such an outburst from you.” He returns my expression with a pretty stellar movie-star smile of his own. He gives my shoulder one last sharp squeeze, and then he lets me go, thumbs hooking on either side of his belt buckle as he turns away, back toward the group.
And that’s when I realize with a sharp jolt of discomfort what the belt buckle is actually made of. It’s a bone. A vertebra.
I don’t like this at all. But I’m here, and Cara’s here. We’re stuck.
For now.
Cara regrets inviting me now. My fit of panic basically ruined everything, and I’m scared I won’t be able to fix it. I’m doing everything I can, but she’s frozen harder than a shallow lake in the dead of winter.
As is everyone else in the group. I’m not a queen bee or anything at school, but I’m not a pariah, either, and I don’t know how to handle it. As dusk starts spreading shadows over the forest floor, Firehorse “remembers” that I need to use his range extender, but mysteriously, he just cannot manage to get service. He seems to think his faux surprised expression is really great, but it’s not fooling me for a second.
“I’m always able to get service out here,” he says with a tiny pout. “I’m so sorry, Mailee. We’ll try again in the morning, when we’re a bit farther in.”
I pull out my fake smile again. “Absolutely. Maybe it’s too cloudy. Tomorrow will be better.”
We both know it’s not too cloudy. And so does Cara, who stands nearby, looking like she can’t decide whether to involve herself.
“I like your positive attitude, Mailee,” is all Firehorse replies. Then he claps his hands together and turns to the group. “Time to set up camp, everyone! This is where we’ll stay for the night.”
Cara approaches me. “We’re sharing a tent,” she says in a detached voice. “You don’t have to help me set it up, though.”
“No, I want to help. Just tell me what to do.”
She arches an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Look, Cara, I’m here. I’m camping. If I’m going to be part of it, I want to be part of it. Camping is a good life experience, right? I’ll never be a real actress if I don’t have life experiences.”
A frown tugs briefly at the corners of her mouth, but she recovers quickly. “All right, then. Let’s get to work.”
It turns out, I’m actually awesome at putting up a tent. Yes, this was a two-person tent specifically styled to be easily put together, but that’s beside the point. I rocked it.
“Look at this!” I exclaim, crawling inside and flopping down on top of my sleeping bag. I poke at the edge of the tent. “We put together a tent and it doesn’t collapse when touched!”
Cara rolls out her sleeping bag beside mine. “Not collapsing to the touch is kind of the goal, you know.”
“I know, but we did it. Would you have thought?”
She smiles at my genuine enthusiasm. “I guess I wouldn’t have.”
I wait for her to say more—to turn the moment dark by making it about the commune. See? Look how the Haven has made us more awesome! But, to my relief, she doesn’t say a word.
I guess she didn’t have to.
“I know today didn’t get off to the best start,” I tell her, “but I’m really happy you asked me to come. I’ve missed you. A lot.”
She reaches for my hand and squeezes. “I’ve missed you, too.”
Pressure wells up behind my eyes, and I blink hard to stop the tears before they come. Cara doesn’t need to know right now how much it’s hurt not to have her around. She’s obviously been hurting, too. Worse. That’s why
it’s been like this. I need to be the strong one, I need to be her rock.
A face pokes into our tent and I nearly jump out of my skin. It’s Finn. “Hey, look who successfully put up a tent!” he says, not mean-spiritedly.
“That’s right, we did!” Cara says proudly. “And our tent is way better than your tent.”
“Well, there’s girls in it, so yeah, I’d say so.” He grins at her.
I get a pit in my stomach. They’re flirting again, or still, or whatever. That’s … not going to make this easier. Maybe if I can get him to flirt with me so she feels betrayed … no, I don’t want to do that to her. Not to mention that the plan hinges on Finn being a gross jerk and I haven’t had enough interactions with him to assume that’s the case. All I know is, he scowls a lot.
He reaches out a hand to Cara and pulls her up, out of the tent. “Fire’s started and everyone’s eating,” he says.
I crawl clumsily out of the tent, trailing behind them like a third wheel. No wonder Cara didn’t like hanging out with Gavin and me after her breakup. This is beyond awkward. Don’t worry guys! I didn’t need help up or anything! I’m pretty proud of myself for keeping my snarky little thoughts in my head.
Dinner is some kind of bean soup and asparagus. The asparagus is good, roasted over the fire, but we had to cook so much of it to feed everyone. It feels unsustainable. It also most definitely did not come from the small garden they’ve got planted by the commune.
Brigit sits beside me. I’m surprised. Last time we talked, I felt like, I don’t know. Like maybe I stressed her out. Or got her in trouble.
“Hi, Mailee,” she says. “It’s been a while.”
“It has, I know. I’ve been so busy with school, and drama club. I’m glad Cara invited me to this, though.” If I say it enough times in that enthusiastic voice, maybe I’ll start to believe it.
“I’m excited to finally see the Cave,” Brigit says.
“You’ve never seen it? I thought that was, like, where initiation ceremonies happened?”
“Oh, no. No, the rest of us were initiated right at the Haven. Cara’s special because we won’t be accepting more members after her. There’s only so many resources if you don’t want to eat meat, you know?”