“Or did he just feel like he didn’t belong? Like he wasn’t quite a part of your relationship?”
“Fuck.” He sat heavily. Then he ran his hand over his face. “Doesn’t excuse him running her off.”
“Maybe not. But then you don’t know the full truth, do you?”
“James’s truth.”
“All right, James’s truth. He struck me as pretty honest.”
“Appearances can be deceptive.”
All right, she figured they’d talked enough about James and Sarah. “Why did you come here today, Sloan?”
He looked at her in surprise for a moment. Then he glanced down at his hands. She waited patiently for him to speak. When he raised his face, she was shocked to see how upset he appeared. There was pain in his eyes. His forehead was puckered into a worried frown.
“I’m here because I fucked up.”
“Y-you did?”
“Yes.” The word was more of a growl.
“I thought I was the one who messed up.”
“You did. But I’m just as culpable for this distance between us.” He let out a deep breath. “Like I said, I haven’t wanted anyone properly since Sarah. Not an actual relationship. I thought it was better that there was some distance between us. I guess I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt again.”
“I get that.”
He stared over at her. “But it wasn’t fair to you. Fuck, I hate talking about this shit.”
“You’re doing a good job.”
He huffed out a laugh. “Am I? If I was any good at emotional crap we wouldn’t be in this mess, would we?”
“Is it a mess, or just a dip in the road?” She held her breath, hope blooming inside her.
“When you told me you’d been keeping stuff from me, it was like I felt justified in keeping my distance, you know? Like I knew all along we wouldn’t last, so I’d been right to guard myself. Only problem was, I didn’t realize I was already fucking in love with you.”
The words were a bit rough, and she still wasn’t sure what exactly he wanted.
“So, I moped around, congratulating myself for being right and trying to convince myself I wasn’t in love with you. Then someone pointed out I hadn’t been fully truthful with you, and that if I wanted a relationship with no lies, I had to be all in, not have a foot out the door. I wasn’t a good boyfriend. Wasn’t always a good Dom. But I want to be both. If you’ll give me another chance.”
Tears filled her eyes, and she threw herself against him.
He stiffened for a moment then pulled her close, holding her tightly against him.
“Does this mean you forgive me?” he asked.
“Does it mean you forgive me?” she countered.
He put his hand on her shoulders and pushed her back so he could look down into her eyes, sternly. “I do. But there are going to be some changes.”
A shiver ran down her spine at his words. “Yes?”
He looked around him. “You won’t be living here anymore.”
“But—”
He placed a finger over her lips. “Hush. There’s no argument over this. I chose not to look too closely at your living situation because then I would have been forced to take a bigger role than I had. But you aren’t staying here any longer. James is right, it’s a shit hole.”
“Some of us don’t have the money James does.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Most people don’t. I don’t. However, I have a house that is warm and dry. And has a bed that is softer than concrete.”
“You want me to move in with you?”
He was silent for a moment, and she instantly regretted the question.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
“Yes.”
“What?”
“The short answer is yes. I want you to move in with me. I want you totally under my protection, just not when we happen to spend some time together. I want to know you’ll be there when I get home at night. That you’re safe and warm and well and that you’re taking care of yourself, because if you don’t, I will.”
The last sentence was part-promise, part-threat. And the submissive part of her went all gooey. But the other part, the part that said she couldn’t rely on anyone else, prickled.
“I’m not some helpless damsel in distress or a charity case.”
“Didn’t say that,” he said easily. “And if you don’t want to move in with me, I get it. This is a new chapter, and we’re going to both be learning from each other. But I’m going to tell you this now, if you want to stay here, I’m staying with you. At least until I can get a security system installed and a better door, drapes, as well as some smoke detectors. I also need to get someone to discover where that damp smell is originating from. And, if we’re both staying here, number one on the list is a new bed.”
She looked at his stubborn face and tried to push aside her fear of leaning on someone else too much. He wasn’t the only one that had added to the distance between them.
She rubbed her stomach uneasily. He watched the gesture.
“Actually, number one is getting some food into you,” he said. “Didn’t James feed you while you stayed with him.” Was that jealousy in his voice?
“I nearly vomited all over James and then practically collapsed. He carried me up to his apartment because he was worried about me.”
“Worried about you?”
“He’s a good man, Sloan,” she said quietly. She loved Sloan but she still felt the need to defend James. “Maybe he wasn’t always, but can you say you’re the same person you were?”
He was silent, but he was listening at least.
“He took care of me and there aren’t many people who would do that for someone they barely know. He knew I didn’t have anyone else to call, so he bought a thermometer and quite possibly all the cold and flu medicine the pharmacy had on hand. He slept in an armchair in my room so he could keep an eye on me.”
Sloan looked shocked. “He stayed with you?”
“Yes. He had work to do, of course. But he did it from my room. He was good to me when I had no one else. Pretty pathetic on my part, huh?”
He clenched his jaw and looked away. “You should have been able to call me.”
“I didn’t tell you to make you feel guilty.” She just wanted him to see James as someone other than the bad guy.
She figured she’d made her point, though. She leaned back against the wall, she didn’t have a headboard.
“I suppose if you’re going to insist on all these changes—”
“I am,” he said firmly.
“We could go to your place while everything happens. But I’m going to pay you back. It just might take me a while.” She bit her lip.
He hesitated, looking like he was about to say something.
“What is it?” she asked. Now that they’d hashed things out, she felt exhausted. She just wanted to get to Sloan’s place, crawl into bed, and sleep.
“About these debts . . .”
She sighed. “I know I should have told you.” She pulled at a thread on her faded bedspread. She wasn’t certain if it had once been yellow or green, but she called the color it was now puke-brown. “But I was ashamed of how much of an idiot I’d been. It was my problem, not yours, and I needed to figure it out on my own.”
“But you’re not on our own now, are you?” He placed one hand over hers, stilling her nervous movements. He used his other hand to tilt up her chin. “How bad is it?”
“Bad,” she admitted. “Do we have to talk about it now?”
“No. So long as you realize we will be discussing it at some point soon.”
Yeah, she’d figured that.
“And that you won’t be dealing with them alone.”
“They’re not your problem,” she said hotly.
He raised one eyebrow. “They are when they affect you. Particularly when you have to take a second job and wear yourself to the bone until you get sick.”
“It’s not that bad,
“And about this other job . . .”
“I’m quitting,” she told him. “It was the perfect second job, but I just don’t think I should work there anymore.”
He stared down at her. “I have my own selfish reasons for not wanting you to work there, so I can’t give an unbiased opinion. However, my reasons aside, I also don’t want you working such long hours, or at night.”
“You know, I’m starting to wonder if maybe I underestimated how protective you could be.”
He just grinned.
She wasn’t reassured.
15
Before Sloan could knock on the door, it opened. James stared at him. For a moment, he thought about turning around and leaving. Even though he’d had a month since seeing James at Kinley’s apartment to figure out what to say, he still wasn’t prepared.
“Come in.”
Sloan followed him through a bland entryway to an elevator. They stood in awkward silence as the elevator made its way up to the top floor. He walked behind James into an equally bland apartment. It wasn’t quite what he’d expected. The house he’d lived in with James and Sarah had been huge, a mansion, complete with a grand staircase, marble in the bathrooms and kitchen, and a reception room large enough to host fifty people. This was modest by comparison.
“I sold the place in New York after you left,” James said suddenly. “Too much for one person.”
“It was too much for three,” Sloan countered. “Never felt like much of a home.”
“No,” James said sounding reflective. “I guess it didn’t, did it? Now I have apartments like this where all my main offices are.”
It sounded lonely. Sloan frowned, not wanting to feel sorry for the bastard.
“Drink?” James asked.
Sloan shook his head. “I’m taking Kinley to the club later.”
“So, you’re still part of the scene? Kinley’s your sub.”
It wasn’t a question, but he answered anyway. He could sense a longing in James when he spoke of Kinley. No one else would have noticed, but Sloan had known James a long time. “Yes, she is.”
James poured himself a large scotch then sat in a brown, leather armchair. Sloan forced himself to sit on the sofa opposite, resisting the urge to walk back out the door. He was no coward and, as Kinley had told him, he needed closure.
“She’s well?” There was a dullness to James’s voice, but Sloan could tell by the very lack of emotion how interested he was in the answer.
Yes, she was his, and she would stay his. Whatever James felt for Kinley would just remain a longing, an interest. Nothing more. That’s the way he wanted it. And if he wasn’t totally convinced of that, he chose to ignore the sliver of doubt.
“She is. I’ve made certain of that.”
James nodded. “When she quit, I guessed you’d worked things out between you.”
“She’s living with me now.”
She’d resisted at first, but there hadn’t seemed much point in keeping two places when she spent every night in his arms anyway. Not everything was that easy, of course. They’d had a number of arguments. They were coming to some sort of arrangement, though. He tried not to be too overprotective, and she promised not to go for his balls.
“Good. I’m glad you’re happy.” There was a funny look on James’s face. It made Sloan realize he couldn’t read the other man as easily as he once had. “You took longer to come than I thought you would.”
“Always was stubborn.”
James smiled. “That you were. Stubborn and funny. Loyal.”
“Yeah, followed you around like a dog, didn’t I? Let you lead me anywhere you wanted me to go.” He was aware of the bitterness in his voice but couldn’t help it.
“Really? You think I always led?” James looked thoughtful. “I suppose I did make a lot of decisions, but I don’t think I was necessarily the leader. When you wanted something, you went out and got it. Without consulting me.”
The air left his lungs in a whoosh. Had Kinley been right about James and Sarah?
“You’re talking about when I proposed to Sarah.”
Those dark eyes remained calm, but he knew he was right. “Did you ever love her?”
James tapped his finger against his glass. “No. I cared about her, at least in the beginning.”
“Then why?”
“Why did I agree to her moving in? Because I like to be needed, and she needed me. And because you loved her, and I loved you.”
Even though he was still angry at James, the past tense of that “loved” hurt him a little.
“So, you let her move in because you wanted me to be happy?”
“That was part of it. But, like I said, I liked how much she needed me. That I could provide for her. And the sex was amazing.”
“That’s not enough to build a relationship on.”
“I realize that now. Back then . . .” he sighed. “You forget who raised me. The old bastard would have cut off his hand before he gave me a kind word or a pat on the back. I was lucky if he remembered I was even alive. I liked that she brought a softness to our lives. That she gave us a focus. I also liked that it tied you to me.”
“What?”
“I didn’t work it out until later. I have this fear of people leaving me. No doubt a therapist would have a field day. You were the only person I ever loved who loved me back. I would have welcomed the devil into our home to keep you. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that’s exactly what I’d done until it was too late.”
“Sarah wasn’t the devil.”
“She was stealing from me.”
Sloan rocked back as though he’d been hit. “What do you mean, stealing? You set her up with her own account. She had plenty of funds, she didn’t need to steal.”
“She managed to get into the computer in my home office. She stole information on bids and gave them to one of my competitors. Took me a while to figure out it was her. My tech guy set a trap. I changed all my passwords but left the way open for the old ones to still be used, and when they were, it set off an alarm. Imagine my surprise when it was my home computer that pinged.”
“So, you knew it was one of us? It could have been the housekeeper or the gardener.”
“I knew it wasn’t you,” James said with conviction. “But you’re right, it didn’t mean Sarah was guilty. It wasn’t until I caught her red-handed that I was fully convinced. I told her about a big bid I was putting together. She didn’t realize it was all fake, or that I had cameras recording her accessing my computer and downloading the bid.”
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” Sloan asked.
“Because I wanted to be absolutely certain. I needed proof. This happened when you were away. I did that on purpose, so I could confront her while you weren’t there. That backfired on me.”
“You didn’t tell me after.”
James eyed him steadily. “You left and wouldn’t take my calls. I didn’t have any idea where you were.”
“Like you couldn’t have hired someone to find me.” He didn’t realize until he said the words he’d been hurt by the fact James hadn’t followed him.
How messed up was that? Sloan prided himself on being upfront, on not playing games, yet wasn’t that exactly what he’d done?
“I did. But by then I realized all I was going to do was blemish a dead woman’s reputation. And I’d come off looking like the bad guy no matter what.”
“So, you just stayed silent all these years?”
James took a sip of his drink. “Even though she was lying. Even though she used me, used both of us, she was still your wife. And it was still my fault she died. The two of you might have been happy on your own. You might have been better off starting again, without me holding you back.”
Sloan stilled. “What happened that night?”
“You sure you want to know?”
No. “Yes.”
James nodded. “I confronted her. Told her the game was up. That I knew what she was doing. I expected her to deny it. I thought she might cry and plead. I didn’t expect bitterness and anger.”
“Why? Why’d she do it?” He didn’t get it. Between the two of them they’d given her everything, or he thought they had.
“She did it because she hated me and because she was having an affair with Lyle Jacks.”
His heart froze then beat rapidly again. “An affair?”
“Yes.” James ran his hand over his face. “You think after all these years telling you would be easy, but it sucks as much as I thought it would. I never wanted to hurt you, Sloan. And that’s the other reason I kept quiet. Why I stayed away. You had happy memories of her, of your time together.”
“But you didn’t. Because you never loved her.”
“I think I could have come to love her if she’d ever felt the same towards me that she did you.”
“She cheated on me, she can’t have cared that much about me.”
“She told me she loved you. It was one of the last things she said before she packed a bag and stormed out. But that she couldn’t live in this farce of a relationship. Where I fucked her but didn’t care about her in any other way. She wasn’t entirely right, I did care about her I just didn’t love her. And there were times when I felt . . .” he trailed off.
“Like an outsider looking in.”
James looked startled. “You knew?”
“Then? No. I just thought you were being a selfish bastard. That you were putting your work before us, before her. So, I tried harder to be what I thought she needed. Turns out she didn’t want or need me at all, huh?”
He stood and paced, unable to stay still. “No, it was Kinley who pointed out that there was something wrong. I didn’t think you could take care of someone else, that you had it in you.”
“I’ve wondered the same thing.”
Sloan whirled. “But you took care of Kinley when she was ill.”
“I guess I’ve changed.”
“Yeah, you have. But I think on the inside you’re still the same man.”
-->