by Ava Catori
“I appreciate it, but I prefer not to talk about it too much. I’ve said a few things to Scott and had a psych evaluation after my last tour, but I keep most of it inside.” I could tell it was hard for him to talk about it. I didn’t want to push for more details, but wanted him to know I was here for him if he needed to talk.
“I don’t know what to tell you. I’d think getting it out would help, but I’ve never been through what you’ve been through. I hope time heals some of it for you,” I said, wondering if I’d have to give birth at home if I got pregnant. Would he come to the hospital then, or would it still be too much? He had a good reason to react to hospitals, though I wondered how long something like that lasts.
I felt selfish even randomly thinking of other things like that. I didn’t know how not to sometimes. I couldn’t even fathom having to see things he saw, and be forced to remember them. It explained the nightmares though. I almost didn’t want to know what else he saw.
Driving home, it was late, and with the adrenaline rush coming down I was ready for sleep. Curling up in bed, I drifted off quickly. Morning came way too fast. Stretching, I rolled over and saw Austin still fast asleep. I could still get a run in, but decided to blow it off. Most of the heavy rain had dissipated, and it was now only a mist.
Watching him sleep for a moment, I realized how lucky I was that he not only forgave me after my massive mistake of letting go, but took the time to come back. Most men would have sulked and walked away, so that he was even back was an incredible thing. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. It was going to crush me when he went away, but I had faith he’d come home to me.
My stomach twitched, realizing the months were slipping by so quickly. We still had time, but I knew it would go by fast. I cherished every moment we had left together, but soon it would run out and he’d have to leave. My stomach knotted thinking about it.
I’d been tossing around the idea of introducing him to my folks, but with the uncertainty of our future, I held off earlier. I was pretty sure we were going to stick together, and knew it was long overdue. My parents kept bugging me to bring him around, and I’d make excuses as to why we couldn’t make it. I guess it was now or never.
I lived a couple of hours from them, which was close enough for emergencies, but far enough that they couldn’t just drop by and dabble too much in my life. When I first moved farther away, it was for a job I took, but I liked the area and stayed. I missed having them so close at first, and then started to realize I liked having some distance between us.
I guess I should warn him about my mom’s nosy nature. I all ready dreaded the visit, but realized I’d put it off long enough. Maybe I’d bring up the topic, and I guess he’ll probably want to do the same, introduce me to his folks before he goes away. Am I getting ahead of myself? He never mentioned introducing me, but on the other hand, I hadn’t either.
I groaned and knew what our conversation would entail. I knew my folks would be thrilled to meet the guy that’s stolen my heart, but I still felt like a little girl. Since I’d moved, I hadn’t brought anyone home, and they let me know. Boy, did they let me know…You never bring anyone around; we want to be involved, blah, blah, blah. Maybe I should wait.
Mom would ask way too many embarrassing questions, and Dad would be all suspicious wondering what his intentions were. Ugh, maybe I’ll put it off a little longer. I kept going back and forth, trying to decide. It’s not that I didn’t think it would go over well, I think I was more embarrassed at what might get said. Mom would probably dig out my old photo albums, she loved to do that. It’s horrific seeing all my pictures from my awkward phases, and they’d sit and laugh together. It blew up bigger and bigger in my mind, until I convinced myself it wasn’t time yet.
I wondered if he hadn’t asked me to meet his parents due to the same things. Would they embarrass him, share stories that would leave him blushing, or scrutinize my every move, like if I was using the right piece of silverware. Okay, I’m officially nuts and over analyze things way too much!
I obviously need to run. There was no faster way to turn off my brain when it went into hyper mode like this. I stretched and threw on an outfit and my running shoes. I grabbed my water bottle and tucked a key into the elastic pouch around it. I figured two or three miles should do the job and headed out the door.
Climbing into the shower, I knew Austin should be waking soon. I wanted to get a call into Heather and Scott and see how she was doing. Hopefully she’d be on her way home this afternoon, and be back in the comfort of her own bed. I made a mental note to send her flowers and check on her later.
The run was a smart move, and my thoughts were clear. Standing in the water, washing off the sweat, I revisited our relationship in my mind. In a short time we’d all ready been through so much. What I learned more than anything is that my life was better with Austin in it. There was no denying the fact; I was madly in love with the guy.
Drying off, I peeked around the corner and watched my lover sleeping. A soft smile spread across my face, and it took everything inside not to pounce on him. Looking so content and handsome, all I could think about was climbing on him and feeling him inside of me. I toyed with the idea of waking him up sensually, but decided to let him sleep. There would be time to play later.
Chapter 17
When Austin got the news that his deployment was pushed up, he almost didn’t want to tell me. They were sending the unit in sooner than anticipated. I was heartbroken. I thought I still had time with him, but that time was sliced up into little bits and pieces. I was blindsided, realizing I’d have to work through my feelings faster than I wanted.
I wasn’t ready – not yet. This meant good-bye, and I wasn’t prepared for that. We were in a really good place, and just like that it changed. Our lives would be disrupted for an entire year. I was angry, but knew more than anything I’d grieve the loss of him being in my life here in the states.
How am I going to convince him I’m okay, and keep a calm and supportive face when I’m dying inside? It’s not fair, I’m not ready for him to go, but the last thing he needs is to worry about me. I was stunned that they could pull another fast one on him. First pulling him back into deployment, and now this? How does this even happen?
He told me that things can shift by days, weeks, and months, it was just the way it was. Nothing was certain. You either had to hurry up and wait, or move now without warning. He seemed detached explaining it, but I guess he had to deal with his own feelings about leaving again. I wondered if he’d shut down on me or get more emotional. I didn’t have a clue how I’d keep my feelings in check.
It wasn’t if he would leave, but when. Not knowing only left me on edge, knowing the date may shift again. I prayed if it did, it shifted back, not forwards.
My feelings were mixed up beyond belief. I didn’t know if I was more depressed over the impeding loneliness or angry that he was being ripped out of my life. I went back and forth and could never settle on one feeling. It was tiresome, and felt like some damn rollercoaster ride. In one moment I made peace with it, and the next I would question everything, trying to find a way to outsmart the system. It was pointless, he was going, and I’d have to deal with that.
At most I’d get a letter or some video chat time with him for a few minutes here and there, and that would have to be enough, for an entire flipping year. What is that?
Maybe something will change, I mean, he got pulled in at the last minute. Maybe they’ll find somebody else to fill the gap in the roster. I mean, he was just over there; this has to be a mistake. If he calls, asks, explains… I stopped myself. I was looking for that loophole that just wasn’t there.
Maybe there will be some R&R in there, and then I’ll see him again. At least I’ll get to hold him, feeling him against me. Shit, I can’t do this. I can’t do this…it’s not fair. I desperately wanted my brain to turn off – but it taunted me daily, dangling between anger and depression.
I tried to keep a positive
outlook when he was around; he had bigger things to worry about, like his life. He’d need focus, not some weepy girlfriend. He was putting himself out there, risking it all, and I needed to suck it up and present a strong front.
The weirdest part of it all was that my life would continue on exactly the same. Time wasn’t standing still. I’d go to work, have a birthday (alone), run, eat dinner; only he wouldn’t be doing it with me. Distraction was going to be crucial if I was going to get through this.
I beat the topic to death in my mind and wished I’d stop obsessing over the details. But it was hovering a good deal of the time.
Heather, Scott, and Austin helped me with the questions I had. As the days closed in on us, Austin would be scheduled to leave his home base and head out. It was excruciating, realizing he wouldn’t be here with me.
Every minute was precious, and I dragged him to bed every chance I got. My insides were a mess, and just as we thought he had to leave, his orders were pushed back for a couple of days, and we went through our feelings all over again.
Heather’s pregnancy was moving along, and thankfully other than some bruising after the accident, both her and the baby got a clean bill of health. The airbag saved them from more severe injuries. I realized Austin would be gone for the birth of their child. It made me sad, but realized military life means you can’t guarantee you’ll be there. I was grateful Heather would have Scott by her side, and prayed he wouldn’t get called back to active duty overseas.
Chapter 18
The time was here. The moment had arrived and I couldn’t deny it any longer. Soon Austin would be walking out the door. I refused to believe anything would happen to him, and knew he’d come home to me. He was laying his life on the line, but I kept faith he’d be back in my arms one day.
I took off from work the two days before he left to spend every second with him.
I wanted everything to be perfect, romantic, and special. I wanted to give him memories to hold onto. I needed him to know I’d be waiting when he returned. I also needed him to know how much I love him, and that I wanted nothing more than the two of us to remain a strong and bonded couple not only before his tour, but after as well. He could count on me, and at least I could give him that tiny peace of mind.
When Austin came by, there were so many unspoken words between us. I walked around lighting the small candles I’d set up all over. “I want to spend the next two days in bed,” I whispered. “We’ll call out for pizza, whatever, but I need to absorb every single detail about you that I can.”
Austin reached up, stroking my cheek, “Thank you for making this special. I’ve got so many mixed feelings right now. I’ll be honest, after knowing what happened during my first tour, I was almost glad to be single for my second. And here I am about to go back over, hoping a woman won’t betray me. Don’t get me wrong, I trust you, but it’s bringing up a lot of old feelings again.”
He apologized for going there, discussing this when I was ready to get romantic. It was important though, he had to get it out, talk about his feelings. He’d clammed up about it the last bit of time, so for him to finally open up again, I knew it was the right thing for him.
“I’ve worked through my feelings. I’m going to be okay. I’m not going anywhere, Austin. You’re worth it, and I want nothing but a future where you and I are together.”
“I know, I just can’t help but think back to when you said you couldn’t. I can’t go over wondering if you’re going to decide after three months, four, or even six months that you’ve changed your mind. I need to know you’re in it for the entire year, not just for the first few weeks.”
I looked at the floor, embarrassed how easily I let go last time. I mean, it was far from easy, but I was quick to turn away from possible pain. How could he trust my words now – what had changed? I understood his concern, and knew I couldn’t promise anything above my word.
It was odd how quickly our emotions were bouncing around. In one instance I went from feeling sexy to serious.
“Austin, I don’t know what words you need to hear to make it better, but my actions over this next year will hopefully be enough. I can’t change your past, I can’t make you trust that things won’t change, but I can tell you I’m fully committed to a future together, and I’ll be waiting here when you come home.”
He nodded, not saying much.
“If something happens…” I stopped, choked up, trying again. “If something happens, your folks will let me know?”
He looked down, not saying anything. Finally he spoke, “They don’t know about you.”
My insides went reeling. “What? What do you mean they don’t know about me? Like at all? How is that even possible?” I was stunned, how could they not even know about me? Really? Seriously? Not at all? I was shocked.
“I avoid the topic of relationships with my parents,” he started. “My mom thinks nobody is good enough for me, and my dad, well, he’s just an ass at times, never took much interest in my life. Sure he’s proud of me now that I’m a soldier, but as a kid he was too busy working to care. I stopped taking an interest as I got older.”
I was stunned, “They really don’t know about me?” I stood staring at him like he had two heads. This was a joke, right? I didn’t want to start a fight, not now, he was leaving, and yet… wow. “I don’t know what to say,” I kept as calm as I could. Stay rational, stay rational, now is not the time…deep breath.
He didn’t want to look me in the eye. Austin more than sensed what I was feeling in the moment.
“Were you eventually going to tell them? I mean, it’s not like we’ve only been dating a few weeks. Are you embarrassed or ashamed of me?” I bit my cheek, trying not to be too confrontational, but I was truly shocked he never even mentioned me – not even once.
“Of course I’m not ashamed of you. I guess after our short split, I just wanted to be sure,” he stopped. “I almost said something before we split, but I didn’t. Then I just didn’t want to when we got back together. Not yet, not until I know you’re still here when I get home.”
“What do you mean if I’m still here? Nice, of course I’ll be here. I said I would, didn’t I?” My feelings were hurt, but I guess he had a right to make that comment after our break up. I deserved it, even though it stung.
“How will I know if something happens to you?” I was horrified realizing I might never know. I wasn’t his wife, how could I possibly be on his contact list. It was a confirmed fact, his parents were, and I was not.
“Scott would know. My parents know to contact Scott and Jake in the event of an emergency – so that they can contact other people, my friends.” He didn’t know what to say or how to react. It wasn’t to be hurtful, it was simply an oversight, and now it was growing out of proportion.
“Your friends,” I said flatly. I was numb. Scott and Jake were on his list of people to contact, and I was not. In fact, his parents didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. I didn’t exist in their world. I’m sitting here promising to wait an entire year, but they don’t even know I’m a part of their son’s life.
I felt empty in that moment. It hurt. I mean, I get that he… no, I’m not going to make excuses for him, it hurt.
I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. I turned and sat down on the sofa, walking away from Austin. He followed me, not even trying to apologize, not saying he’d call them and tell them now, he simply said, “This doesn’t change my feelings for you.”
I stared at him. How could he not know it would sting, hearing something like this? I was torn; I’d wanted this to be a romantic encounter, a time to remember, but instead, I sat here stunned, realizing I was a ghost in his world. I simply didn’t exist to his parents. Wow.
Sitting beside me, he reached over and pushed my hair over one of my shoulders. “Kate, you mean the world to me, I just… I don’t have a great relationship with them. It would be more hassle to say something than not. Sometimes I keep things to myself.”
�
�I feel so irrelevant,” I said quietly.
“You’re not. You’re the furthest thing from that. I can’t breathe without you. You have to believe me, this is not about you, it’s about my relationship with my parents.” His eyes said it all; he hadn’t intended to hurt me.
“You’re a grown man, and you’re acting like a child,” I said, fighting the cause. I should have let it go – why couldn’t I? I never let things go soon enough. I hated that about myself.
“I’ve learned to choose my battles, and women are not something I enjoy discussing with my folks. After my divorce, well my mom just became bitter towards them. Nobody is good enough, it doesn’t matter if you’re a saint, a perfect specimen, she’ll still find a way to rip you apart, and you don’t deserve that. I don’t want to hear it, and I don’t want to give her the opportunity to do it.” He took a deep breath, pacing his words carefully, “I love you too much to put you through that.”
“So I have no say in this?” I sat, having to accept his words. Why should it matter? He loves me, isn’t that enough? Why do they need to know if he isn’t ready? But, if he didn’t tell his parents I existed, what was that truly saying? He didn’t believe in our relationship? He didn’t think we would last? Did he think I’d walk away again? Was this about me or him?
“Not now. What, do you want me to call and tell them? What does that solve? For a second you’ll be glad, but when you realize all the garbage and negativity that goes with it, it’s not worth it. Let it be, baby. I’m here with you right now; that has got to be worth something. I only have a couple of days left, and I chose to be here with you. Isn’t that enough?”